“Kayla makes better music in her diapers.” – Ig SubWood
That quote pretty much sums up the opening act to the N.E.R.D. concert we attended the other night. The only reason I even went to said concert was because tickets were EXTRA cheap due to a glitch in the ticket system that sold them for $4.50 instead of the actual price of $45.00. I’m pretty sure they made up for the discrepancy by firing the person who made the mistake. One less income to pay = money saved.
Anyway, I got funky fresh, dressed to be comfortable, ready to listen (had on my red chucks and red newsbo y hat. The epitome of COOL). The opening act was WACKTASTIC! It was a rastafarian rock band named “Bad Brains” (yes, DubyaTeeEff???). How were they rasta? Because they all had locs (Natty, free-forming, cure for cancer-hiding, amazon rainforest type locs). It was some sort of heavy rock where you cannot hear singing, but you know someone is singing cuz there are mics, and mouths are moving. Their music sounded like babies got a hold of all the household pots and banged them together repeatedly (FOR AN HOUR!!). My ears bled, and music WEPT.
The music was beyond atrocious, and here are the things I’d rather do than to listen to that music EVER again:
- Slit my wrists (the ineffective way, so I could bleed w/o dying). TOO MUCH?? Nope. It was just that putrid.
- Gouge my own eyes out
- Bang my head against an unfinished wall repeatedly
- Wear a leather jacket that is lined in fur. In a Volkswagen beetle. With the windows rolled up. In 95 degree weather
- Watch “Gigli” on repeat. No… Slow motion, even
- Listening to Rihanna’s album. Yes, all of it. Without the synthesizer’s help.
- Wear white, patent leather chanclattas. To a black tie event. At the Prince of Monaco’s mansion
I musn’t forget that the lead “singer” (that word is clearly tossed around too loosely nowadays) had on a Darth Vader helmet and a plush white bathrobe (I KID YOU NOT! Would have taken pictures if I wasn’t afraid my new camera would be confiscated by the top flight security). Like in REAL life, that fool thought it was a good idea to wear a ROBE and a HELMET on stage. No sir, you don’t win the “You So Different” Award. You just look like you’ve been smoking the same thing as Amy Winehouse.
Oh yeah, N.E.R.D.? They were aight. I’m side-eyeing Pharrell for making that horrid band his opening act. Making us listen to Bad Brains for one hour is unforgiveable. Pharrell owes me. BIG.
Sidenote: Pharrell Williams is so adorable and little. I just wanna pinch his cheeks (not THOSE ones, you gutterbrains). He is what I’d like to refer to as a “Pocket Straight.” I just wanna put him in my pocket and take him places with me.
Converse sponsored the concert. Free chucks would appease me *raises eyebrows* HEH? HEH?? No?? Aight then.