So as always, I had to watch another awards show, just to once again be disappointed. Eh, I think that now, bad award shows are part of my annual routine. My year is not complete without seeing at least one badly produced, performed or attended show. On that token, you can say the VMAs completed my year. It was 3 hours of my life that I can’t get back. There are definitely better things I could have done in those 3 hours. These include:
- Ate a FULL 7-course meal that included a wine and a cheese course (If I was in France)
- Watched the Color Purple on DVD (me and this movie, us NEVA part!)
- Mastered the lost art of geometric proofs (by lost, I mean it leaked out my brain after high school)
- Solved 3 very difficult Sudoku puzzles
- Wrote a 15 page paper with complete annotated bibliography and works cited page. About Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing”.
- Watch grass grow
- Took the red line train from one side of the city to the other and back again (Howard to 95th back to Howard)
Either way, I watched. And of course I have questions.
**How old is John Norris?? Seriously, this dude has been a VJ for as long as I can remember. I can’t imagine he’d be qualified to do much else now. I’m sure his grandkids have to be mad that he is still on MTV. They probably get picked on everyday at recess ’bout how PopPop still has frosted tips, and his boss is some Black dude with locs named “Sway“.
**Was I entertained by Russell Brand‘s hair, accent, or him? I haven’t seen teased hair like that on anyone since Cyndi Lauper was a pop star. It was impressive. And his accent is so charming that no matter what he said, it sounded intelligent.
**Why have I stopped being embarrassed by T-Pain? Have I been desensitized by his pure buffoonery, or have I just lowered my standards so I expect nothing more of him? Maybe I have come to accept that he is, in fact, the Ghost of Coon Present.
**Why was Christina Aguilera‘s makeup so heavy? I woulda sworn she was of a different ethnicity. She looked like a human Bratz Doll.
**Why was Ciara‘s hair hat so cheap looking? CiCi, you make too much money for your wig to look like you took it off the mannequin at the “Beauty House”.
**Was Rihanna‘s set so elaborate to distract us from her subpar singing ability? Well it worked, because I could not tell you how she sounedd. I was too busy distracted by the 100 zombie dancers, the leather, and the overall lack of entertainment. No doubt about it. She is FIERCE but her voice is like a drowning cat.
**Why was Pete Wentz wearing a button up turtleneck? I promise, his collared shirt touched his chin. It looked like his shirt was slowly eating his head. Fashion icon he is not.
*Did The Jonas Brothers really just jank the Sesame Street set for their performance? I really thought Oscar the Grouch was gonna pop up next to them swaying to the music. Plus, when all those Tweens bum-rushed their stage, I je Street stairs makes not a performance. Gathering all tweens. Braces are chattering errwhere
**Pink is still mad huh? We get it; you’re a rebel. Your cause?? No one knows.
**When did it become okay for grown men to wear colored skinny jeans? Lil Wayne, your stylist (or you) needs more people. Fire whoever let you go onstage with that ensemble?
**Did Britney Spears make anyone else’s night? Supervision has been good to her, and she looked almost like the old self. Remember the pre-K-Fed, pre-shaved head Britney? Well we saw a glimpse of her today, and I was actually happy to see her. But…
***How did Britney win 3 VMA Awards, especially Video of the Year? This is where I call “Flag on the play! Penalty: MTV fire the producers!!” I realize we want to support Britney, but giving her a trio of sympathy awards is not it. I was so confused like “Did she release an album, and I missed it She had a video? What? What year is this??” Not that this would be impossible, since I’m not much of a fan. But still… 3 awards, huh MTV? *EXTREME SIDE-EYE*
**Where was the Black Star Power?? There was a gaping hole with the absense of Benoncay, Alicia Keys and Usher.
**Why didn’t Ne-Yo perform? He would have brought his FULL tang! He woulda came MAC lipglass PROPER. The producers were just jealous of his juicy tubes game.
With that being said, the MTV VMA Awards was a BORE! I yawned more times than I could count. I even had a long phone conversation and returned to it and realized that I hadn’t missed anything. WOMP.
Oh if you missed it, you only have 5,839,045 other chances to see it. *Sigh* The Awards aftermath will be painful as it is repeated every hour on the hour.