Fashion

Things Grown Women Should NOT Wear

Ok so I lied. I didn’t return on Friday. But I AM back now! (in my head, there is currently a crowd cheering my return). I’m glad I don’t have the telltale sign of a roadtrip. You know, the beetlejuice striped arms.

So to continue the series that started with “Things GROWN men should not wear”, I got ideas from my ignant chica Goodeness (thanks girl! Y’all should check her out).

Things GROWN women should not wear

**Side ponytails. Especially the ones that sit on top of the head. It’s terrible. Side ponytails only go with eating flaming hot cheetos and playing double dutch at recess. You’re grown. Get a new style (especially one that doesn’t make you look like a fruit with a stem)

**Tiny short shorts. If people see you and think you forgot to put on bottoms today, then your shorts are too small. The part of your booty that is lighter than the rest of your body (because of lack of sunlight) should never be exposed if you’re not 1. a stripper named Diamond or Cocoa Pleasure and 2. on the beach.

**Plastic clear heels. Once again, unless your name is Sapphire and your coworker’s name is Diamonique, these should not be in your closet. They are tacky, and they will make your feet sweat. Falling out your heels in the club because of sweaty feet makes not a sexy lady.

**Uggs. These things have the prefix “Ug” in them, yet they caught on as one of the biggest trends in the past couple of years. Groupthink is a b*tch. Unless you live in the arctic circle, find some other warm shoes to wear. What kills me even more are the people who wear Uggs with shorts. REALLY?? You’re just going to wear two conflicting seasons in ONE outfit? Find a mirror, sit down, and think about your life.

**Pants with words on the booty. There is no reason why someone who can drink should wear the pants that say “JUICY”, “SEXY” or “BOOTYLICIOUS” on it. Or MAYBE you got drunk, went to the mall and thought it was a good idea to proclaim your level of attractiveness to the world with a booty billboard. You are grown. Go get some slacks and dark denim.

**Finger waves. First, I have beef with the amount of gel it takes to even get this style to happen. 67% of all the ProStyl brown gel in the world is used to achieve this style, and it shows. Between the fake ripples it provides, and the sheer tackiness of this style, it is a shock to me that in ’08, some people still think it is a good idea to rock this. Plus, it is not the 1920s, you are NOT a flapper, and your name is not Mae West. I say no vehemently.

**Barrettes. Just as men are not allowed to rock beads, women should not be rocking those plastic barrettes that look adorable on 5 year olds. In fact, rocking a style that calls for barrettes makes you overgrown. But then again, people who want to wear barrettes will find an excuse to wear them either way. If the spirit moves you to do so, go get an exorcism.

**Hair hats. I’m not inherently against weaves and wigs. However, I am against weaves/wigs that look like hats that are made of hair. They are the ones that look like they were just placed there, and a strong gust of wind may render the wearer hairless. People, there are MANY good weaves and wigs. Find em. Wear them. Love them. (Hair hat is a phrase created by one of my BFFs KindredSmile).

What is sad is the fact that I felt the need to write this post. All of the above has been exhibited by an overgrown woman at one point. Ladies, we MUST do and wear better.

What say you folks? Did I miss anything??

29 Comments

  1. suga
    September 22, 2008 at 12:02 am — Reply

    Bwahahaha
    hilarious

    Somebody needs to print this out and have Habib and all of his cousins post it at the counter of every likka/corner store. That way, you’ll be changing lives.

    Please add, “multi colored” hair to the list. I dont think any female, grown or not, should be walking around with blue, green, orange or pink hair, but they do and it has got to stop.

  2. Ajay
    September 22, 2008 at 2:24 am — Reply

    LMBO….hilarious. I’m not a big fan of judging others but defintely some things need to be said. I don’t think I’ve seen any grown women with barrettes yet but I defintely don’t want to think they do. Dang girl…you are a mess. And the Uggs…I was just beginning to think that was cute j/k. :)

    So this a thing that was/is bothering me. Don’t know if it fits in the category but I still see and hear about women over 25 getting tattoos of their boyfriends name somewhere visible on the body, i.e. (neck, ankle, wrist, cleaveage). Why???? Especially if they’ve never had one and are deciding to get their first tattoo. Make them STOP!!!!!

  3. sleepyjane
    September 22, 2008 at 5:41 am — Reply

    This was classic! :) I had to pause at the “Uggs” one because I own a pair. Then again, I haven’t worn them at all this winter because I just can’t fit them with any outfit I wear.

  4. kindredsmile
    September 22, 2008 at 6:44 am — Reply

    EEEEE I’ve been LANKED! I have arrived, Lawd! And the pic of Mae West is all I needed to get through this dreary Monday lmao

  5. R. Joseph Donigian
    September 22, 2008 at 7:05 am — Reply

    for the most part, i agree… BUT i have seen far too few SHORT shorts this season, and I miss them. i think MORE women (who have the body for it) should be wearing short shorts.

  6. im_da_sweetest
    September 22, 2008 at 8:19 am — Reply

    hahahahaha…. loving your IG his morning!!!

    I agree, with everything except the side pony. Now granted….. if you have the hair of Homer Simpson and you wrestle,wrangle, fight and pant trying to coax those hairs into a pony, (I call it the chicken head ponytail) using prostyle, clips and bobbypins to get those hairs (All 3 of them)to stay…. you should stop!

    I also have issues with ladies that insist on shaving off all eyebrow hair because they think drawing them on looks "clean with more shape" direct quote from a chick on 79th)

    I also agree whole heartedly with SUGA> Unless you get paid by the tour and album sales, crayoned colored hair is not a good look. It is questionable on "celebs" but hell they get paid to entertain us….
    That is all….. I digress

  7. JunePearl
    September 22, 2008 at 8:27 am — Reply

    I was finding each post section hilarious (as usual), and then I came upon these words: “If the spirit moves you to do so, go get an exorcism.” I started laughing to the point of tears that my boss stops by my office to see what’s up; and then she starts cracking up laughing. It’s official, your blog is the new office fav.

    Side note: I want to vote AYE on the boyfriend tattoos, and make a motion to add white stockings with black heels. This barely makes sense on the young ones (I give them a pass for Easter, I know how church folk are), but no one over the age of 8 should being wearing this.

  8. Paula
    September 22, 2008 at 11:06 am — Reply

    Question: If I don’t CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A GROWN WOMAN (and don’t really look like one either), can I maybe get away with one or two of these things??? Please!!!

    You hate me now, don’t you? :(

  9. Eb the Celeb
    September 22, 2008 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    Awweee man… so you mean I can’t wear my sweatpants with Cowboys on the booty to the game anymore…

    I love pants with words on the booty… because I dont have one… they dont ever say juicy or anything like that… they either read cowboys… or pink from victoria secret

  10. [F]oxymoron
    September 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm — Reply

    Ladies, Uggs are atrocious!

  11. Matt
    September 22, 2008 at 4:24 pm — Reply

    I kind of like the short shorts though…

    can we keep those off the list?

    just until summers over?

    no?

  12. GOODENess
    September 22, 2008 at 5:32 pm — Reply

    some ninjas just don’t understand…I saw a GROWN ASS WOMAN in Club Walmart (yes I typed it, you need a babysitter and a wrist band up in this here particular Wally World…they be in major super duper HOLLA-mode) anyway…she had some Ay Bay Bay hair with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday barrettes on! I wanted to spondoo her ignit ass but she also had a grill, a hot pink quickweave and her baby daddy’s name tatted on her bicep..so for fear of a hoodstyle, youtube worthy beat down…I laughed hysterically pretending I was on the phone…and added barettes to my HELL NAH list of shit to never do in life!

  13. Lucky
    September 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm — Reply

    LOL very true except for one thing:

    I will not give up my Ugg Sundance boots. They have gotten me through some tough times (most of which being that it is COLD where I am from. Wearing Ugg’s isn’t a fashion statement for me, it’s SURVIVAL)!

  14. Shannon
    September 22, 2008 at 7:18 pm — Reply

    oh hilarious! What about crocs?

  15. NaturallyAlise
    September 22, 2008 at 8:42 pm — Reply

    Grown women should not be wearing more than one hairstyle at a time… case and point: there is no need to have an updo, fingerwave, bang, and blonde track all in one hairdo…. oh and the clear or light gloss with black eyeliner as lip liner has got to cease right at this moment, please I beg of you kind people….

  16. Subway Gal
    September 22, 2008 at 8:56 pm — Reply

    Good list, but you forgot scrunchies. And crocs. NO ONE should ever wear crocs.

  17. Tiff
    September 22, 2008 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    Agreed! I seriously hate, hate, hate the side pony.

  18. niaNaturally
    September 23, 2008 at 6:55 am — Reply

    LOL!! I missed it yesterday, but this is a great list. I wrote a post about the seemingly re-emergence of fingerwaves, especially in NC and SC. Great post!!

  19. Belle
    September 23, 2008 at 7:34 am — Reply

    I agree with that whole list, and the booty billboard thing came up just last night. I don’t know who thought wearing giant letters right across the ass was a good idea.

    And I agree with the Crocs mentioned above. Even though I did put a pair on once and felt dirty because I actually liked them. They were SO freakin’ comfortable. I didn’t buy though, I did stop there.

  20. Miss Tiff
    September 23, 2008 at 7:43 am — Reply

    I loved this post! I love it when you post what men or women shouldn’t wear. I agree I hate side ponytails and plastic clear heels. I absolutely hate pants with words on the booty.

  21. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    September 23, 2008 at 2:27 pm — Reply

    Suga – You a mess for that lol

    Ajay – The tats r ridiculous (and permanent, scary)

    Sleepyjane – Kudos on not putting those Uggs on

    Kindred – YES, you are indeed a Cool kid

    Donigian – Just NO

    Sweetest – There are VERY few times the side pony could work. By very few, I mean 1. If you are under age 16

    Junepearl – Glad I didnt get ya in trouble at work. Altho I DO aim to make folks cackle.

    Paula – I don’t hate you. I will just give you a mean side-eye

    Eb – I dig ya. So I may THINK of giving you a pass. Maybe.

    Foxy – Glad you’re with me

    Matt – See my comment to Donigian

    Goode – Walmart is great for people watching. There is no shortage of foolery in there.

    Lucky – I just hope you’re not wearing those uggs with sweatpants tucked in them.

    Shannon – Crocs are not allowed on ANY adults. The post is coming on those tomorrow.

    Alise – YES. Multiple styles on one head is unacceptable. Will follow up on this also tomorrow.

    Subway gal – How could I forget scrunchies???

    Tiff – I love people that agree. hehe

    Nia – I will def check you out

    Belle – Glad you exhibited self control

    Miss Tiff – Thanks@ Glad you dig my lists.

  22. Maxie
    September 23, 2008 at 4:02 pm — Reply

    I like to rock the side ponytail but only as a joke.

    one that should be outlawed– patterned shorts. I have a coworker that wears them all the time… like big flower prints.

  23. d.funkt
    September 23, 2008 at 6:52 pm — Reply

    hey! thanks again for adding me on twentysomething bloggers. i agree with just about everything except the fingerwaves. done tastefully for a night out fingerwaves can look incredible. i had them done for my prom, and i got tons of compliments. i almost died from all the hairspray [it was raining like hell] but it was worth it.

  24. The IT Girl
    September 24, 2008 at 3:20 pm — Reply

    Oh God. I think I am in love with you. You’re so right and so damn funny.

    Side ponytails – WTF? So wrong.

  25. Elle
    October 10, 2008 at 11:41 am — Reply

    I def. agree with the Uggs and pants with words on the bum! Another thing you need on your list is those awful Croc-shoes, as commented by Belle and Subway Gal. Yikes – they are awful!!

  26. Naturally Sarcastic
    December 30, 2008 at 12:50 pm — Reply

    The patterned and by patterned I mean the God awful picnic table cloth patterned shorts and pants,
    flip-flops year round (unless you live in CA, or FL or other tropical like areas…fyi-Raleigh, NC isn’t one of those places), French rolls(the hairstyle), black lip liner and ridiculously torn up jeans, or and hunting fatigues! Add all those to your list!

    My uggs never leave the house…unless i’m taking out the trash. They are my cold weather house shoes and comfy as all hell!

  27. Sophia
    January 1, 2009 at 1:45 pm — Reply

    So I guess what you’re saying is I should ixnay on the “Uggs in size 8 Chocolate” that I have going on right this very second? hmmmmm….

    And the locs in a side pony are my quintessential “gotta wash my hair” tonight hairdo. I’m wrong for that too?

    Now the words on the booty thing I agree with. (only because I have no booty and dare not wear anything that would call attention to that fact–yeah I know a curse from some ancestor way back@)

    And -ahem-,since the Croc thing was NOT on your list, I’m safe (and will continue to wear my pink crocs boldy to the Farmers Market)LOLOLOLOLOL

  28. Kata
    September 16, 2011 at 11:14 am — Reply

    I think grown women should not wear Abercrombie or Hollister. Unless you want to dress like you’re still in high school or early college years, please stop.

  29. Chantelle
    May 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm — Reply

    I hate UGGs as much as the next person, but I think you are under educated in their original purpose. They were created in Australia to be warn after being in the water. They are indeed meant to be warn with shorts, in fact, they were never meant to be for winter at all… But thats where the market is now… so… we North Americans kinda destroyed it =D

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