Ok so I lied. I didn’t return on Friday. But I AM back now! (in my head, there is currently a crowd cheering my return). I’m glad I don’t have the telltale sign of a roadtrip. You know, the beetlejuice striped arms.
So to continue the series that started with “Things GROWN men should not wear”, I got ideas from my ignant chica Goodeness (thanks girl! Y’all should check her out).
Things GROWN women should not wear
**Side ponytails. Especially the ones that sit on top of the head. It’s terrible. Side ponytails only go with eating flaming hot cheetos and playing double dutch at recess. You’re grown. Get a new style (especially one that doesn’t make you look like a fruit with a stem)
**Tiny short shorts. If people see you and think you forgot to put on bottoms today, then your shorts are too small. The part of your booty that is lighter than the rest of your body (because of lack of sunlight) should never be exposed if you’re not 1. a stripper named Diamond or Cocoa Pleasure and 2. on the beach.
**Plastic clear heels. Once again, unless your name is Sapphire and your coworker’s name is Diamonique, these should not be in your closet. They are tacky, and they will make your feet sweat. Falling out your heels in the club because of sweaty feet makes not a sexy lady.
**Uggs. These things have the prefix “Ug” in them, yet they caught on as one of the biggest trends in the past couple of years. Groupthink is a b*tch. Unless you live in the arctic circle, find some other warm shoes to wear. What kills me even more are the people who wear Uggs with shorts. REALLY?? You’re just going to wear two conflicting seasons in ONE outfit? Find a mirror, sit down, and think about your life.
**Pants with words on the booty. There is no reason why someone who can drink should wear the pants that say “JUICY”, “SEXY” or “BOOTYLICIOUS” on it. Or MAYBE you got drunk, went to the mall and thought it was a good idea to proclaim your level of attractiveness to the world with a booty billboard. You are grown. Go get some slacks and dark denim.
**Finger waves. First, I have beef with the amount of gel it takes to even get this style to happen. 67% of all the ProStyl brown gel in the world is used to achieve this style, and it shows. Between the fake ripples it provides, and the sheer tackiness of this style, it is a shock to me that in ’08, some people still think it is a good idea to rock this. Plus, it is not the 1920s, you are NOT a flapper, and your name is not Mae West. I say no vehemently.
**Barrettes. Just as men are not allowed to rock beads, women should not be rocking those plastic barrettes that look adorable on 5 year olds. In fact, rocking a style that calls for barrettes makes you overgrown. But then again, people who want to wear barrettes will find an excuse to wear them either way. If the spirit moves you to do so, go get an exorcism.
**Hair hats. I’m not inherently against weaves and wigs. However, I am against weaves/wigs that look like hats that are made of hair. They are the ones that look like they were just placed there, and a strong gust of wind may render the wearer hairless. People, there are MANY good weaves and wigs. Find em. Wear them. Love them. (Hair hat is a phrase created by one of my BFFs KindredSmile).
What is sad is the fact that I felt the need to write this post. All of the above has been exhibited by an overgrown woman at one point. Ladies, we MUST do and wear better.
What say you folks? Did I miss anything??