Chicago Sports Needs Bailout
I am not a huge sports fan, and will jump on the success bandwagon whenever a team I remotely care about is winning a lot (yes, I admit that I am a bandwagon fan. I keep one foot hanging off the wagon in case I see you losing, then I hop off quickly). However, even I have to comment on the suckiness that is the Chicago Cubs. How do you have one of the best records in your season and then get swept out of the playoffs in the first round?
Chicago sports teams are all so putrid. They are the:
- Middle finger in our fist of glory
- The obnoxious weed in our perfect green lawn
- The scuff on our blue suede shoes
- The errant mushroom in our stuffed deep dish Giordano’s pizza
How can a city so awesome as Chicago (have you SEEN our skyline??) be cursed with such wretched representations of our physical prowess and brawn? If Chicago sport teams were children, they would ALL be prodigal.
Chicago Cubs – The Cubs team is like that child who was chosen to give the Kindergarten graduation speech, and we all beamed with pride. Cubbie learned the ABCs first and could count the highest in class. That was Cubbie’s plateau though because since then, his academic career has been plagued by subparity, parent-teacher conferences, and detentions. But because of that kindergarten speech, everyone says “Well he’s been smart before. Maybe he can do it again!” Well this season, the Cubs won their division, but they got swept out the playoffs. Thats like they finally did what everyone knew they could and won Valedictorian of their high school class, but then got kicked out of college for smoking in their dorm room.
Chicago Sox – This is the child that has never really excelled in school so folks do not expect too much of him. But then he shocks everyone and graduates college magna cum laude. Now he has a middle management career in a cubicle. So, he is a mediocre adult, but clearly doing better than that Cubs kid.
Chicago Bulls – This is the child who was the star of the family for so many years! Was the star of the school plays, always graduated at the top of his class. Until one day, he joined a gang, dropped out of college and became a street pharmacist (aka pusher of ye old drugs). The family has not claimed him since 1998.
Chicago Bears – This is the child who everyone is glad when he actually GOES to school. To expect him to excel will really be setting everyone up for failure. We get excited whenever we get his report card and he has not received more than 4 Ds. We set the bar low, and he barely reaches it even then. But we love him because he’s so fun to be around and usually gets the good times rolling (even in subzero temps).
Chicago Blackhawks – The child everyone forgets, and often misses family functions, like dinner. “Are we missing somebody?? Hmmm… OH HAWK! Damn but all the food is already gone. He’ll eat leftover if he’s hungry.” Does he excel in school? We wouldn’t know because we often forget to go pick up his report card.
Chicago CLEARLY needs an Athletic Bailout!
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Category: Random
I think the bears will be alright… at least make the playoff anyway… and the NFC north is a week division so I see them making the top of the list there this season.
The Defense is solid… they just have to get a good offense rolling… the defense cant do everything… plus they’ve had 2 games this season that they should have won… blowing leads and all… they just have to learn to finish games.
Nice concept, but I’m not sure I agree with all the descriptions.
The one I take most exception to is the Bulls: the Bulls may have had a down year last year, but it was nothing as bad as the chunk of years following the championship years. They had turned things around in the previous few years and based on attendance figures and sports site chatter since they started their turnaround, I think it’s a little inaccurate to say “the family” hasn’t claimed the Bulls since ’98.
If nothing else, from the comments it looks like Chicago is defending their own. I’m not gonna talk about how I cracked up laughing at all of the *correct* descriptions.
I won’t even say that Chi-Bear is living at home with mom and trying to find a woman. But his girls keep leaving him for the Hawk, ’cause at least the Hawk got his own house. I just won’t say it. (Corresponding to the city spending so much money on new football staduim, and still losing).
Anyhow, I found this quote of ignance, and in the spirit of fall I decided to send it your way:
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its butt!’ What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.” – Demetri Martin
I found it here.
“Middle finger in our fist of glory”
I will have to use that line!
Wow, now I dont feel so bad for being from the Bay Area, where the once oh so great A’s, Giants, 49ers, and Raiders reside and cant help but suck (no matter how much they suck, i rep the Raider Nation til death) . lol Oh yeah, let me not forget about the Warriors who made it almost to the championship 2 yrs ago after not seeing the playoffs for over a decade. And I guess I should mention the Sharks, our hockey team who does good every now and then.
Dont worry about being a bandwagoner. I encourage all people to jump on the bandwagon when the playoffs come around. It’s embarrassing to not have any fans when it counts lol
After recently moving to Chicago, I made an attempt to jump on a Chi Sports team bandwagon, and after the watching all teams play…no thanx
I’m lovin’ the Chi and the skyline is good money, but once they’re done with that sex toy lookin’ Spire…I don’t know, that may ruin things.