Apu’s Hotline
“Aw man I’m calling my target card hotline and clearly they outsourced everything cause this dude got a DEEP accent. You can hear camels and shat in the background. Sandstorms and genies and shat lmao.” – Kindred
In all her IG, Kindred is so right and this it truly a gear grinder of mine. When I had my Compaq laptop in college, it was so shitty that calling technical support was a weekly thing. It is partly the reason why I became the computer geek I am today. I spoke with an Indian Tom or Arab Michael at least once a week for periods of at least 30 minutes at a time. Then came that fateful autumn day when I woke up to a black screen of death that said “Bish, I Quit!” I believe I cried (and remember, I’m a thug). That experience traumatized me. I still wake up in sweats from nightmares of my computer crashing. Hence why I have everything backed up on an external hard drive, a USB flash drive, and a memory card. Yes, it is just THAT serious.
I digress.
If I need support with anything, I try to find it online. I make it a point to avoid technical support phonecalls like:
- Lindsay Lohan avoids panties
- Johnny Gill & Ne-Yo avoid coming out
- Bums avoid rain (and water in general)
- People with halitosis avoid NOT being in your personal space (they are the first ones in your face saying things like “Hi HOW are you, HONEY???”)
- Atheists avoid holy water (“It burns!! It burns!!”)
- Richard Simmons avoids full pants
But today, I was forced to call my WaMu card hotline (let’s cue violins, oboes
, and flutes for my drowned bank. Shoot, we need a Barbershop Quartet to sing a sad opus). After about 5 prompt menus, I finally got a human. Clearly, nothing had changed much because dude’s accent was so thick that he sounded like a caricature of Apu from “The Simpsons”. I was tempted to start singing “Who Needs the QuickEMart?” But I did refrained.
First, I laughed when he went “Hello, my name is Steve. I am very glad to be of help to you today.”
Umm, dude, your name is not Steve. Stop the madness. You ain’t gotta lie to kick it.
Then he asks for my credit card number, and I gave it to him slowwwlllyyy. He let me finish saying all 16 numbers before telling me “Sorry m’am. I did not get that. Can you repeat?”
Me: *Gave numbers louder and slower*
Him: “I’m sorry again, but you are breaking up.“
Me: *Thinking, Umm, do you need to go find higher ground to get good reception?? WTF??* *Repeated anyway*
Him: *Chuckle* “I still didn’t understand you, m’am. Could you give me your social security number?”
Me: *Thinking “Hahaha hell!* “If you didn’t get my credit card number b/c it wasn’t clear, what about you getting my SS# will make your reception automatically crystal. You need more people, preferably the Verizon Network.”
Him: “Yeah you’re right. Give me your number again please.“
Me: “Forget it!” *Click*
I was done! Couldn’t even remember why I called to begin with. All I know is I got nothing done, got pissed off, and wasted precious phone battery (twas weekend so my minutes were free).
Can I at least speak with someone who is more than 50% proficient in the King’s English? Repeating myself 3 times before I can get an answer doubles my phone time and triples my annoyance level.
I realize outsourcing may be cheaper, but is it more productive when it comes to customer service?
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Category: Random
HIlarious. I died at *click*.
I don’t know why these companies be “curry-ing” on like that with their help, let them know you will “curry” your business elsewhere, LOL…. girl bye!
I have the same issue when I call Verizon. If I have to talk to Sanji or Paramatma one mo’ dayum time because my internet connection is acting a fool, I will have a cow for them to worship!
Hehehe! I’m a technical support agent (though with a nice English voice).
It’s also annoying when the tables are turned and I have to speak to people who can’t say more than three words in English. Choice phrases such as ‘router off, broadband broke, you fix?’ are NOT easy to work with, trust me.