I just can’t cope. I’m not sure why it hits me hard every year like its the first time, but I hate cold weather/winter like crackheads love gingivitis!!! I mean really. This ish is ridiculous. Today is like 20 degrees below obscene in Chicago (ok, its 17 degrees, but you get my point). I walked out my house, and the crisp air b*tch slapped me, and I cried (inadvertently. My eyes are sensitive so tears came out). I’m walking down the street with tears pouring down my eyes and folks look concerned, not knowing that they are crying too. We all look a mess.
I hate winter for a plethora of reasons.
- Oppressed Afro. I can’t wear my afro in all its glory. I have to rock a thick hat, and a dented afro makes not a cute hairstyle. This week, I’ve been unable to twist my hair like I usually do, so me and my lopsided fro have been looking a bit of a mess. Besides, rocking an afro in this element may have me looking like Grace Jones by April. It will all fall off from crunchiness.
- Icicle snot. Having a cold right now is not only unattractive, but dangerous. Folks walking around with icicles for snot. That could cut somebody.
- Rudolph’s Twin. My nose STAYS red, and sometimes I’m afraid it does glow. *Sigh* I hope they let me join in reindeer games.
- Crocodile Skin. No matter how much I try to moisturize my situation, I’m feeling ashy by midday. Sometimes, I think I just need to bathe in a tub of Vaseline. I gets down with Baby Oil Gel though.
- Dry lips. My baby soft lips take a beating in winter time because sometimes when its frigid enough, vaseline is not armor enough for the elements. I call this condition “Crackhead lips”, all white and busted. Looking like I been snacking on powdered donuts. If you see me scratch my neck, don’t be scared. I know crack is wack (besides, show me the receipts! I make too much money for crack).
- Shoe game compromised. Winter time automatically cuts my shoe wardrobe in 3/4s. I can’t wear shoes that will expose any skin, so all my pumps and certain flats are out the picture until April. All I can rock are my boots, and even some of those have to be worn on days that there is no snow, since they are suede. My 75 shoes (yes. I am aware of the fact that I have a problem) are now down to about 15-20. Woe is me indeed.
- Short days. Leaving work at 5pm, going outside and seeing that it is dark is hella depressing.
- Compromised Sexy. I get cold easily so I rock layers, including sweater tights under my jeans. Let’s face it. How is a chick sposed to stay SEGZY when rocking long johns, a thick scark, mittens, and snow boots? *Sigh*
When I grow up, I want to spend winters in a vacay home in Fiji. Then summers, I’ll come back to the Chi. I love this town, but like an addict, I can’t leave it alone despite this horrid weather. Maybe I need a Chicago intervention