Annual Assault
***TRUSTING THAT THE MEN ARE STILL GONE***
Ladies, the ish we gotta go through just makes me say “Damn” at times. There are certain things we cannot avoid in life. These include wrinkles, taxes and death. As women though, we must add *shivers* pap exam to that list. We can’t avoid them. And for those over 18 who do avoid them, I’d hate to know about your crumbling sugar walls.
There are very few things in life that are more awkward than the annual pap exam. It probably ranks up there with walking in on your parents doing the horizontal freestyle (oh the horror!!! *insert Wilhelm scream*)
First of all, you gotta unrobe. And if it’s a guy Gyno, a female nurse must be present. So you are potentially in a room with 2 people, vulnerable as heck because all you got on is your birthday suit, socks and oversized tissue as your robe. Not cool. Then, the cold clammy hands of the doctor do not help you ease the tension. And when the actual exam is going on, it is the worst thing. I call it “Involuntary Coochslaughter” (all credit to my girl, Overit, for this phrase). Aiding and abedding nether region assault. First degree assault with an unfriendly weapon (a giant Q-tip).
It’s just not a good experience. And the minute I’m done, I get giddy cuz it is the farthest time till the next time I need one (if that makes sense). Shoot, I don’t even get dinner or drinks out the experience. In fact, I’ll even settle for some Chocolate Glazed Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts. But alas, no such thing. All I get from it is awkward conversation.
Doc: “So isn’t this weather a kicker?”
Me: *thinking* Let’s not talk and say we didn’t. Thanks – Management
I also get a traumatized treasure chest. A disturbed diamond dam. A leery love lounge. A perplexed pleasure pocket. Garish Golden Gates of Glory. (Hehe, I love alliteration and theatrics. Y’all know that). Oh and I also get that whole clean bill of health thing. But I mainly take the trauma away with me.
WOMP. Chalk it up to another reason why being a woman is hard (although the fabulous shoes we get to buy almost makes up for it.)
We are women. HEAR US PURR.
I kinda miss the men. 
. They can be back on Monday. This is the end of Girl Talk.
Category: Random
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Girl, these are the worst!! Some unconsentual ho sh8t. The awkward convo is the worst. Its also the worst when there is a “pre” meeting, where they tell you what they are going to do. THAT is some pre-meditated ish, I’m like bring it on already, we know what its bout!
I def feel like doing the wall slide afterwards:(
Hold me.
i’m the worst patient when it comes to the gyno and i HATE the history they take… i mean, why do u need to know how many partners i’ve been with? ugh!!!
btw, you’ve been tagged!! http://rantsofawildchild.wordpress.com/2008/12/05/weve-been-tagged/
Honestly, I’m kinda used to the whole thing. Almost 10 years into the pap game they’ve become fairly normal. My first OBGYN (for about 6 years) was a lesbian woman. Actually she and her partner ran the practice together and they were my mom’s OBGYN as well as who delivered me.
Question- I didn’t know about the female nurse/male OBGYN rule, but was I supposed to have a gay man in there to make sure no funny business jumped off? Just asking…
I have been getting Pap’s for nearly 20 years and I am so used to it. Grateful even. 10 years ago, a Pap saved my life. I skip merrily to mine EVERY year. Yes indeed I do.
Everybody with a vagina needs to do the same. Amen.
i’ve been getting them for 10 years now (damn I cant believe im old enough to say that) and I’m used to them too. I think I look at it moreso as saving my life so I deal with it. They were all up and thru suga’s secrets for the last few months to figure out my fibroid situation. If I hadn’t gotten used to it by then, I dont know what I’d do.
But I totally understand. When I first started getting them, my side eye was twitching like “so you’re gonna do what?”