Fighting Eve
***WARNING ANY XY CHROMOSOMES TO LEAVE NOW***
Ok… I think they’re gone now.
Hey ladies. Now that we alone, I just gotta let you know. It’s about to be a girl fight. If I see Eve on the street, I’m fighting her like she stole my bowl of rice. We going at it, full force. Kickboxing, street fighting, hair pulling… the works. We are duking it out. Me and her. That trick is on my SH*T list for real. Why did she have to eat that forbidden fruit? It better had been a juicy mango or some delicious green grapes or a really red strawberry. SHEESH!!! Because of her reckless act, now us women got to deal with the monthly curse and childbirth.
Me and EveAnyway, this is all to say cramps are a B*TCH! The following things describe what cramps can feel like:
- You got drop kicked in the uterus
- Your uterus is having a mutiny against your body and it is winning
- Your body is trying to vote out you uterus in an ultimate game of “Survivor”
- There’s an orchestra playing and they are having an encore with a complicated melody
If cramps can elicit folks to want to rock back and forth in a corner in the fetal position while sucking their thumbs, then childbirth may just kill me. When it is that time, in 4-6 years (cold shivers at the thought), I will look into Rent-A-Womb surrogacy. B/c my pain threshold is somewhere above “cry with a papercut” and “weep at a jammed finger” (which I ALWAYS got the few times I got off the bench when I was on the bball team in high school. They oughta have finger stretches for real)
If men had to go through this, the human race would be extinct. They become little helpless babies when they get the common cold. Imagine if they had to experience our monthly trials and tribulations. Humankind woulda ended when Adam and Eve left that garden.
But yeah, its some BULLSH*T. I got an attitude. A MAJOR one.
I would love to hear what creative ways y’all could describe what cramps feel like.
**This post was inspired by a convo I had on GChat with my girl, 8th Wonder.
Category: Random
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Let me find out my girl 8th and I are in sync, lol.
Girl, this post was my week. You want to know the insult to injury in my case? I never had cramps before 06 lol. That is too many years after I thought I was in the clear, then my body wanna switch it up. Rude!
Cramps, the emotional rollercoaster, and the mood swings are just not fair.
I’d like to end by saying if it were not for Midol, I do not know where I’d be.
ps) Do yall ever get ridiculously tired and scatterbrained on your period? I’d like to know I don’t have custom made symptoms.
Childbirth…yes, it just may be your undoing.
Imagine the WORST cramps of your life…the absolute worst. Now multiple that by 1000. That’s childbirth w/drugs (my first time around).
Without drugs…my second time around…NO EFFIN’ WORDS. I promise you, I saw “the light” midway through. I thought I was going home to Glory. I had my mama crying and saying prayers over me and my traumatized vagina.
I was actually diagnosed w/PTSD after that experience.
damn… i’m feeling this in so many ways… the main way is because aunt flow/red man/punctuation or has come a stompin this morning… UGH
and we would be tag teaming eve and we’d whup that ass… f-in apples…
I have the most ignant, correction: ignorant cycles known to man due to fibroid tumors, every cycle is scary @ me and I don’t get moody, I get depressed and inconsolable. It is a sad sad state of affairs that I can’t even joke about it, le sigh….
Yall HAVE to stop saying “scary @ me”, I die everytime, lmao!
But yes,uteri all across the world need to stop playin.
Shit.
Eve, you hear me and hear me now. If I EVER see you walkin the skreets, looking for a forbidden fruit pusher…it’s on.
Like mufucking Donkey Kong.
Did you say “Rent-A-Womb”? lol Fortunately, my cramps aren’t horriblicious. HOWEVER, that does not mean I don’t have a hit out on Eve’s life. I’ve been looking for that…ooh, I almost called her a hoe. But wait, she was in the garden…
Anywho, if yall find her, tie her down and call/IM/Text/fb/myspace/smoke signal/message in bottle me. I’ll be there faster than [insert ignant comparison here].
Your blog is AWESOME!!!!
*goes to add you to blogroll*
I’ve been working on a banner for mine for months but havent touched it since I started. I’ll get on that today when I get off work haha
I’m at the tail end (thank the Lawd), but yeah, Eve’s got a major whuppin coming from me. God gave you ONE simple commandment, girlfriend.
I sailed through HS, college and even my early 20′s without so much as a pinch. Then BAM! BOOM! GATDAMN! at 25, I got hit HARD. How my body just gonna switch it up on me? Now I get EXTRA bi***y, sleepy as hell, my back kills and I CAN’T WALK. The worst part… I’m on PRESCRIPTION STRENGTH PAIN KILLERS just so I can deal.
Though I will say that (gym rat plug) working out regularly has helped immensely. Endorphins are NIIIIICE!
All these cramps! That’s one good thing about pregnancy. Getting your uterus stretched out 27 times its normal size by a 7lb fetus cures menstrual cramps. I barely get a ping of pain (knock on wood), going on 15 years now. Before the babies, I would be incapacitated every damn month.
Girl. Mine feel like a bear trap is clamped around my uterus.
Exercise helps, but I’m usually curled up in the fetal position, unable to get up, let alone make it to anything gym-related…
I thought I dodged the monthly pains of womanhood. I went from the only symptom I had was sleeping a full 18-23 hours the day before it started, lasting 3-4 days and then toodle-loo monthly annoyance. Then some evil, hating arse hoe put a hex on me and now I get life endangering migranes that hurt so much I am forced to lay in complete and utter darkness and silence and breathe ever so shallowly until I fall asleep and hopefully the blood coursing thru my body won’t pump too hard and wake me out of my pain free sleep. The only cramp I get is at the end… some evil woman hating spirit stabs me in the fallopian tubes with a scalpel over and over again for what feels like eternity. Darn that EVE and her blond moment like gullability!
Damn I’m late. I see I almost missed the period party.
I’ve just been diagnosed with fibroids too (yay!) which means I get to DIE on the inside every month. And not only does my uterus feel like there is a monkey swinging from tube to tube, but I also bleed like those fire hydrants that the police used to open up on black folks back in the day. Not a pretty sight. They are forcing me to get on BC so I wont bleed to death…yay again!
Oh and I get those horrific migraines as well. Migraines so bad, a sliver of light will send me to my grave.
Aint it grand? Being a girl and all?
Overit – Cramps are like playground bullies. Sometimes, they just come out of nowhere and whoop ur ass. The mood swings are also turrble. I was a monster!
PBG – You just scared me celibate. Thanks.
Ladebelle – Glad you down for the Eve Smackdown
Alise – Yeah it can be traumatic. And we gotta do it monthly. Ish aint fair
Aif – “Scary @ me” changed my life I use it everyday. And bring some vaseline. We gon need to get greased up when we go look for Eve.
K – Yes, Rent-A-Womb. Its that serious. And you are on speed dial. When we see her, we rolling. Wear black.
Ms. Slim – THANKS!!! I had to make myself sit down and design my banner. Once its done though, it really makes the blog URS!
BBMo – Aw naw!! You mean it could get worse when I turn 25?? I quit womanhood.
Lucky – Not a bear trap!! Dang.
Sarcastic – Migraines??? Where does the madness end??
Suga – CP time is sumthin huh? And damn for the fibroids deal.
Yupp…. so ummm… we got a gang ready to jump Eve. 12 – 1.
I’ve been blessed to have never had cramps but I do feel your pain ladies, I do.
*sidenote
my best friend and I were out Tuesday and she was lamenting cramps and said “oh. you don’t get cramps. that’s right. B!tch.”
*end sidenote.
lol. such hostility.
But…ummm…betta you than me.
Smooches.
V.E.G.
Okay, I’m 4yrs late, but this post just became super relevant to me…
I had never had cramps before and didn’t understand how my friend would miss school for 5 DAYS because of them and then I got older and people were taking sick leave at work…WHAT?
Anywho, I felt for them and was happy I didn’t have to go throught that…until 2 months ago.
After YEARS of being pain free, NOW they decide to make an appearance???????? IM MAD AS HELL!!!!! I just want to take my uterus and put it in storage for 5 days!
Eve, you are mine!!!!!!!!
P.S. Luvvie, I discovered your blog earlier this year and all I can say is…MAN, I MISSED OUT ON A LOT! LOL, I love it and you are super hilarious. Oh, please thank your mom for me for the effective “Classless wonder” – I use it ALL the time and a few of your gems…