I was going through my blog archives, and I realized that there are a couple of good posts from way back when (ya know, before my blog had readers. When tumbleweeds used to sweep through here and challenge each other to duels…). And I found one in particular that I felt was worth reposting. Was originally written November 20, 2007. So enjoy this instance of self-plagiarizing (well technically, since I’m giving myself credit, I’m not plagiarizing).
My guy Aaron T. wrote a note about women that all men should avoid, and it spurred my thoughts on who women need to avoid. These men are not exclusive and some will overlap but certain men have one that is more glaring.
***Mr. Player’s Club — Mr. Player is fine, smooth and well-educated. He knows that on the surface, he is a catch, so he milks it for all its worth. This is the guy who has multiple women in his regular repertoire. He goes through women like Paris Hilton goes through her stash of Valtrex. He has basically assigned a different woman to each day of the week. The kicker is that each of these women believe they are “the only one”, when in actuality, they are just a fraction in his life. He is the guy that women find out is cheating, and STILL stay with him. He HAS to get tested for the VeeDee every 3 months for public health sake (i.e. Terrence Howard, P. Diddy).
***Mr. Mama’s Boy — This guy is attached to his Mother in a very unnatural way that he should have outgrown a long time ago. He speaks with her multiple times a day, consults her on every decision he makes, and will drop EVERYTHING for her. This sounds fine at first, but when his Mother calls during a romantic rendezvous, and he talks to her for 1 hour while you’re sitting there in your lace negligee, it will become irritating REAL quick. He just moved out of her house and has already planned to name his first daughter after her (and her name is Gertrude or Esther). Warning: Mothers of Mama’s Boys will RARELY every like you. (i.e. Usher, Justin Timberlake, Malik from “The Game)
***Mr. Urban Youth — This is the perpetual urban youth. He is 30 years old, still has cornrows in his hair, and can be seen in line at FootLocker EVERY time a new pair of Jordans come out. He still listens to Rap exclusively, and him dressed up is when he wears a pair of Havana Joes with a track jacket. He thinks 401(k) is how much a Bentley costs, and if he was to stop buying white tees, the stock of cotton would plummet. Mr. Urban Youth never goes to a function that could require ACTUALLY dressing up, so you are limited to where you can take him (i.e. Slim Thug & all the other Southern rappers).
***Mr. Sex God — This is that guy with the PERFECT body, GORGEOUS face, is a horizontal genius and… Well, yeah that’s about it. He induces certain unholy thoughts every time you see him, but he opens his mouth and makes you want to vomit. This guy is usually a one-dimensional man. He doesn’t have a respectable job, he is dumb as rocks and his idea of romance is calling you to talk 15 minutes before showing up at your door at 3am. However, between 3 and 5am, this guy is Zeus himself!! He lets you realize why he has no job and can’t put together a string of words to save his life. BUT b/c of his BEAUTY (yes, some men are beautiful) and prowess in the sack, women keep him around. Don’t let that power of the P-E-N-I-S hold you hostage! (i.e. Jody in “Baby Boy”)!
***Mr. Thug — Could be related to the Urban Youth, but not the same. This is the guy that is so thugged out, he makes Tupac seem like Mary Poppins. He has MAD swagger, and is cocky in more ways than one (3 actually). Women go with this guy because he gives them a sense of adventure, and the way he carries himself is a huge turn on. However, you try not to get in an argument with him because his temper is shorter than Midget Mac, and you are truly afraid of what he could do to you if you pushed the wrong buttons. He has called you “Bitch” before but apologized by saying he was sorry you made him call you that. Clearly, he is not worth the trouble (i.e. DMX, Game).
***Mr. Commitment-Phobe — This is the guy who has all the things you look for in a man and could potentially be “the One”. He is romantic, intelligent, attractive AND your family loves him. The problem is that it took 8 months of dating before he claimed you as his girlfriend; whenever you spend the night at his place, he makes you leave at dawn so you won’t have to keep your toothbrush there; AND you’ve been going out for 6 years, but there is no engagement in sight. This is the guy that you have children by, and he still calls you his girlfriend/baby mama. You may blink and realize 10 years down the road that you’re sick of introducing your first love and father of your children as your “boyfriend”. Maybe someday, he will give you that ring, but don’t hold your breath (i.e. P. Diddy).
***Mr. High-Maintenance — This is the guy who could be considered “pretty” and spends more time in the bathroom than a teenage girl. He has more cosmetics than you do, and never misses his weekly manicure and facial. He actually enjoys shopping and he buys you the best gifts. Apart from this though, he seems to be a Guy’s guy. You make a cute couple because he stays well groomed. However, you become weary of him because he straddles the line between Metro and Homo, and in this day and age of down low guys… (i.e. David Beckham)
***Mr. Green w/ Envy — This is the guy who knows he has a dime on his hands and gets jealous at the drop of a dime. Your girls call and he says “Who is that??? How do you know her??” You go out to a romantic dinner and he almost gets whiplash trying to see if other men are watching you. If you go out with the girls, he calls you constantly to see what you are doing, and practically gives you a curfew to make sure you don’t dip off with someone else. Given, at least you know he cares, but his jealousy will only get worse (i.e. Mike Tyson).
***Mr. Deadbeat — This is the guy who couldn’t keep a job if his father was the CEO of the company he works for. His turnover rate is ridiculous, and he always has the same excuse: “Man that place wasn’t for me.” You go to work in the morning, come back and see that he is still in his drawers playing XBox 360, eating all your cereal. You’ve been together for 5 years and he has only had a job for a total of 5 months. You have to pay for all your dates, otherwise date night will consist of you two, the couch, and VH1 reruns. Life with him is very low-budget (i.e. Bobby Brown, Kevin Federline).
***Mr. God’s Gift — This is the one who THINKS he is fine and intelligent, with a body to die for. When in actuality, he is at most only semi-decent looking and is more ignorant than Dog Hunter (plus he has the body of a pre-pubescent boy). He thinks because his best friend since grade school looks like Boris Kodjoe, that by default he does too. Well newsflash, he doesn’t. His confidence is ill-based, and he has the nerve to be hyper-critical of women. This is the guy that preys on women with low self-esteem because he knows he can get them to feel lucky for being with him. CLEARLY, his standards are too high for his own status. Stay away, because he will only bring down your personal property value (i.e. Mike Jones).
***Mr. Beard — This is the guy who is an extreme metrosexual but has more feminine tendencies than the average metro. However, unlike Mr. High Maintenance, there have been rumors of him creeping on the low with other men. He is the one who has been spotted at gay clubs by your friends’ friend, yet he continues to stay in that STUFFY closet. He always has at least one girlfriend to act as his beard, yet no one ever believes their relationship (they clearly need more people). On a plus side, they make pretty good boyfriends (you know, apart from the fact that they may not like you anatomically) (i.e. John Legend, Ne-Yo, Eddie Murphy)
What say ye, peoples?