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Dry Hair Battle

Me and my eSis NaturallyAlise engage in a heated hair battle on a regular basis. Actually, daily. It started one day when I called her afro crunchy, and it hasn’t ended since. Below is a battle we had on Twitter today (which we are HOOKED on. I’m @LuvvieIg and she is @NaturallyAlise). Cool Kids now e-loiter on Twitter.

Anyway, after reading it, leave a comment on who you think won this epic hair battle. My comments are in red and Alise’s are in black.

Luvvie – I stan for Carol’s Daughter stuff. Have their whole hair line. I also use some oyin handmade stuff. Keeps my fro juicy, unlike Alise’s tumbleweed arid hairhat. Hehe CHALLONJ!

Alise – Don’t trust Luvvie, her fro is rough and torrid. Pine straw abounds on her scalp.

Luvvie – I know you ain’t talking with your cacti-like parched follicles. Ol’ crusty dusty head self. Looffff uuuu!!!

Alise – your tresses are droughty and anhydrous

Luvvie – Your follicles are unemollient and are in a severe moisture famine

Alise – Your hairhat needs electrolytes.

Luvvie – Yourr hairhat is dehydrated. That mug needs an IV

Alise – Your loofah head is Vitamin GM deficient (Glover’s Mane)

Luvvie – Your dried up follicles are not letting your SoulGlo. Ol’ sapless upper regioned face

Alise – If hair was a plum, yours would be a prune…. dry and aesthetically displeasing

Luvvie – If hair was a cucumber, yours would be a pickle. All wrinkled and sour looking. Ur ‘fro is scary me. Ol’ awkward follicles

Alise – Your fro is an abomination and needs to be exorcised.

Luvvie – Your ‘fro needs to be guillotined. Ol’ headless horseman face. Let them eat cake AFTER they moisturize their situation.

Alise – If our hair was a rap battle I would be Nasir Jones circa Illmatic and you would be Plies circa yesterday

Luvvie – If your hair was a symbol of Black history, it’d be T-Pain, aka the Coon of Coloreds Present

Alise – Do you use your hairhat fro as a nail file?

Luvvie – BWAHAHA Ok that made me cackle. Do you use ur dehydrated fro to scrub those stubborn pot stains? Get thee behind me, GREASE!

So… WHO’s SOUL GLO’ed the best? Or are we both so foolish, we both lost? lol

27 Comments

  1. Crown R0yal
    January 8, 2009 at 12:25 am — Reply

    i. can’t. breathe.

    that needs to be done LIVE. seriously. i would pay to see that.

    you both LOSE. :-)

    my side hurts.

  2. The Pretty Brown Girl
    January 8, 2009 at 12:29 am — Reply

    I call a draw and quit you both. Your pink slips are in the mail.

  3. S A V V Y F. Baybeh!
    January 8, 2009 at 12:33 am — Reply

    HI-LAIR-IT-TEE @its NAPPIEST!!!

    Both of y’all Triscuit-Tressed trollops had me ruining Caciques from here to Mozambique.
    LOVE.IT!!!!!

  4. NaturallyAlise
    January 8, 2009 at 12:40 am — Reply

    Luvvie, T-Pain, aka the Coon of Coloreds Present …. you know that line just changed my life you ol’ Plies face….

  5. Christopher B. Thomas
    January 8, 2009 at 9:01 am — Reply

    Yall both ignanat as hell. I love the “plies circa yesterday” and the prune joke. LMAO

  6. Ms_Slim
    January 8, 2009 at 10:07 am — Reply

    I see y’all CLOWNIN’ lol

    The winner was whoever said somethin bout Nas circa Illmatic and Plies’ (WACK ASS) circa yesterday though :)

    *looks up at comments*

    “Triscuit Tressed” though? ahahahahaha. That was good!

  7. M
    January 8, 2009 at 10:24 am — Reply

    LMAO! I love the descriptiveness. There is no cause for some of these adjectives

  8. 8th Wonder
    January 8, 2009 at 10:30 am — Reply

    Its hard to pick a winner, but damn, Luvvie, you had me at:

    “Ol’ sapless upper regioned face”

    I can’t.

  9. Shida
    January 8, 2009 at 10:36 am — Reply

    Uh okay so the hair needing an IV had be laughing, but then ole girl killed it with the prune comment. Then her victory was solidified when you tried to use her ingenious and make it your own with the pickle comment. It would have given you the win if you said it first, but instead ended up giving her props bc you remixed her original. So yeah…gotta give it to your girl on this one.

    I love you though (and your niece)

  10. ChiChi10
    January 8, 2009 at 10:52 am — Reply

    Dead…ole crusty ass mummified dead.

    I wanna say Luvvie, but ya’ll both clowned. LMAOL

  11. Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual
    January 8, 2009 at 11:26 am — Reply

    I.just.can’t.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

    For making me laugh till I *almost* peed myself, you both win, with y’all Brown Sugar Frosted Mini-Wheats- in- a-bowl lookin manes….

  12. im_da_sweetest
    January 8, 2009 at 11:27 am — Reply

    bwwwhahahahahahahahahahaha, yall are Pure darn fools!!

    I died at prune….. was resuscitated at Nas vs plies and declared a tie before I died again. DNR

  13. Mr. Smart Guy
    January 8, 2009 at 12:48 pm — Reply

    I’m gonna have to call that one a draw…

  14. Jack and Jill
    January 8, 2009 at 1:14 pm — Reply

    I had no idea there were so many insults for one's hair. Good work to you both.
    -J&J

  15. SA
    January 8, 2009 at 1:30 pm — Reply

    Gotta give it to Alise. The Nas line sealed it for me.

  16. Craigjc
    January 8, 2009 at 1:49 pm — Reply

    I love this blog.

    come visit me sometimes.

    http://popwife.blogspot.com/

  17. niaNaturally
    January 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm — Reply

    LMAO!! I love it, and you both lose…lol!!

  18. Luvologist
    January 8, 2009 at 3:48 pm — Reply

    ‘Your fro is an abomination and needs to be exorcised.’

    Oh WOW!!!!

    ‘Ur hairhat is dehydrated. That mug needs an IV ‘

    I’m officially in tears. Is there a such thing as a draw in this battle or do I hafta choose?

  19. Intellectual Hedonist
    January 8, 2009 at 4:06 pm — Reply

    I actually loved this as I saw it unfurl live on Twitter, it is where the cool kids chill.

    I attacked this in the way I read my students papers so I actually graded your insults

    Here is how I created my rubric
    1 point for the insult
    2 points for creativity
    2 points for LOL
    5 points for LMAO
    10 points for ROTFL

    I noticed that Alise had only 8 to Luvvie’s 9, but nonetheless Alise killed it several of her comebacks were severe causing me to LMAO and ROTFL (Hairhat as a Nail file, caused me to go into a coma).

    Luvvie 37
    Alise 57

  20. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    January 8, 2009 at 4:09 pm — Reply

    Crown – You want us to take our show on the road? lol

    PBG – Oh no!! Not the pink slips!!

    Savvy – I quit you for calling us Triscuit-Tressed Trollops

    NaturallyAlise – LOL Oh Tumble McWeederson, I still lofff u

    Chris – You 'sposed to be on my side :-p

    Ms Slim – Dang! Another vote for Alise

    M – Roast is not a game. It's an artform

    8th – You can't? PLEASE??? lol

    Shida – DAGNABBIT!! Not another vote for Tumbleweed Head!

    BBMo – LMAO @ Brown Sugar-Frosted

    Sweetest – We dont pay funegro expenses so we gon resuscitate u

    Mr. Smart Guy – I c

    J&J – Hair insults are limitless.

    SA – DANG! Alie killt me w/ hip hop

    Craig – Thanks! Will check out ur blog

    NiaNaturally – LMAO. Figured we'd both lose sometime

    Luvologist – Twitter BFF. So you tryna say that our souls equally Glo'ed?

  21. sabrina
    January 8, 2009 at 9:58 pm — Reply

    This is ridiculous! I think Luvvie won with the “get thee behind me, grease” line…..

  22. K to the...
    January 9, 2009 at 10:48 am — Reply

    It was neck and neck until Alise hit youw tih the rap battle analogy! LMAO! Ignance reigns again!!!

  23. Adwoa
    January 12, 2009 at 1:08 am — Reply

    “Do you use ur dehydrated fro to scrub those stubborn pot stains? Get thee behind me, GREASE!”

    …I have never laughed so hard!

    You both killed it!

  24. GOODENess
    January 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm — Reply

    ok both of you sweater heads need to get olive oil IVs for those crispy ass cunkabuds living above your brows!

    he T-Pain joke was funny, but I secretly dance to ALL his songs…so the cake taker was the NAIL FILE joint!!

    Sorry, LUVVIE you know I love you like a play cousin and we’re pratically inlaws…but ALISE gotcha dawg!!!

    PS – I feel so unCool right now..what is this twitter you type of? can I do it via cell phone? somebody email me!! STAT

  25. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    January 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm — Reply

    I tallied up the points, and Alise is up 18 – 13.

  26. BBG
    February 4, 2009 at 2:25 pm — Reply

    Alise – Do you use your hairhat fro as a nail file?
    Alise definitely got this round lol.

    Busayo.

  27. June 1, 2011 at 4:57 am — Reply

    [...] claimed victory in the first Dry Hair Battle, knocking me out w/ her Plies/Nas line. I didn’t think it would happen so soon, but here we [...]

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