Famous folksLetter

Dear Kanye West, Are You Ok?

Y’all already know my fondness of letters, and just as I poured my heart out in thanks of the Hat’s Aretha (it is no longer Aretha’s Hat. The hat is now so awesome, that it is considered the owner of Aretha, instead of the other way around), I’m writing a 4-page letter to Mr. West (but I ain’t enclose it with a kiss).

Dear KanYe (is the Y capitalized or not?),

I’m concerned. About you. Let’s talk about it. I know you’ve had a VERY rough year and a half, with your Mom’s passing (RIP Dr. Donda West). She was your biggest supporter (I LOVE “Hey Mama” and lost my voice singing it when you came to U. of Illinois for the concert), and CLEARLY the love of your life.

Then, you broke up with your perpetually ornery fiancee, Alexis. That chile ain’t NEVER smile. She wouldn’t smile at a Unicorn Ranch located on some fluffy clouds and made up of chocolate and caramel. What was up with that? I mean, is life perusing the world and going to fashion shows REALLY that tough? She looks like she wakes up and pisses gloom. Loosen up, damn!

Oh where was I? Ah yesss… anyway. You’ve lost the two most important people to you in these past 18 months, and your world has probably been turned upside down. I understand. This has clearly affected your life, and I can see that in certain things you’ve done.

1. You recorded 808s and Heartbreak. I’ve only heard a couple of songs on it but you seem to have convinced yourself that it is okay for you to SING actual songs… and then record them… and then release them to the world to be archived in our permanent memories. This is not okay. Please leave the singing to people who can. You singing is like:

  • Rodney Dangerfield releasing a rap album (which he did. But we musn’t speak of it too much)
  • Hootie & the Blowfish playing at a Black History Month Event
  • LisaRaye playing a non-sassy, neck-snapping character
It just doesn’t work, Kanye. Leave it alone. Then…

2. You showed up at the Grammy’s looking like you wanted to be beamed up in that aluminum jacket. PLUS, you had the unmitigated GALL to rock a shag mullet. This REALLY perplexed me to no end. iCant. Recalling it just infuriates me. It’s like you went to the barber and say “F*ck up my hair as much as you can.” and he passed (or failed with FLYING colors, which incidentally, got transferred to…).

3. Your crew and their technicolor dreamcoats looking faces. Are these the riff raffs you choose to surround yourself with? There are just many reasons I have a problem with this visual I saw of your Posse. Together, y’all look like extras from that old low budget show “Homeboys in Outer Space”. Where is Flex Washington??? The most non-matchinest group of people I’ve seen in a minute! I’ve seen less colors on a color wheel than in this picture. And honestly, none of you fellas in this picture look like you welcome or enjoy the female touch (Not that there’s anything wrong with that aka NTTAWWT).

kanye west crew“Jesus Walks” in mysterious ways and he needs to make me “Stronger” because CLEARLY, Kanye and his peeps are on that “Crack Music”. Looking at this pic continues to “Bring Me Down” cuz all their sense is “Gone”. “Wake up, Mr. West!” and smell the “Roses”

First, one of your homeboys has on leopard print leggings. The words “homeboy”, “leopard-print” and “leggings” should never be uttered concurrently in a sentence. EVER. (10 points to anyone who can form a sentence where using these words together can be acceptable. Shoot, I may even post the winner’s sentence on my next blog).
Then another one of your boys has on sunshine yellow gymshoes, blue bubble vest and red frames. Jeebus be a coheisve color palette for that fool. The rest of you are a mess too. In fact, y’all match in THAT sense.For Farnsworth Bentley to be the most masculine man in a picture disturbs me to no end! But even then, why does he have on a white glove? Looking like Sister O’Dell’s nephew, Muriel, the Head Usher at “Father, can you hear me? My will is ALL yours Faith Tabernacle A.M.E.” He is Church Announcement for the annual Bazaar proper! Still, he is the best looking dude in the picture. However, the guy to the far left’s Louis V briefcase IS the business though!

On top of ALL of that, ‘Ye…

4. Your new girl, Amber is an ex-stripper lesbian chick who looks like a walking pencil who’s eraser has been used up. Ok, I’m hating. Actually, the chick is FIERCE! Her face is stunning, and that blond fade works for her somehow (No Boy George). But how is her CHARACTER, ‘Ye? (I can hear all the men saying “EFF her character! She’s FINE!!!”)

Of all the women in the industry, that’s who you could attach yourself to? I been thought something about her just don’t… just don’t curl all the way over. Then finding out that she’s a lesbian who has a scorned stud of an Ex girlfriend in Brooklyn made me go MMHMMM!! (Btw: Stud lesbians kinda scare me. Like for real.)

Iunno, Yizzle. You just seem to be acting out lately. I just wanna hold you in my bosom and say everything will be okay. Drop the shag mullet haircut, go hang with a crew that can’t be called the “Ambiguously Wack Posse”, release an actual rap album and don’t become enamored with the likes of Amber Rose (ya know, TALL women.). Pocket Straights (a small man you just want to put in your pocket and take places with you) such as yourself oughta stick with women your height. 5’4 and below.

Alls I know, Mr. West, is that you seem troubled. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here whenever (umm well apart from 8 – 10 on Mondays and Tuesdays. That time is dedicated to my VH1 and MTV lineup of brain cell killers shows. Wednesdays from 9-10 are also usually bad since Top Chef comes on. Then Thursday night lineup keeps me busy too so that doesn’t work. Plus, you know I work a 9 – 5 on weekdays so, yeah.) Ya know, Kanye, if you ever in need to talk between 5:14pm to about 7:58pm on a Saturday, I’m ya girl!

My couch is even MAD plush and comfortable. Lay down, take off them ugly ALL red Louis Vuitton gymshoes you designed, and let’s discuss.

Truly (sometimes) and Always (except for when I’m lazy) Yours,

LuvMuffin

24 Comments

  1. JunePearl
    February 27, 2009 at 8:09 am — Reply

    Oh ma Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd!!!! This was HILARIOUS!!!! Woo chile, you seem to have put together everything that is troublesome about Kany(Y?)e.

    He’s a brilliant artist, and multi-talented, as in: I actually like the red shoes he designed *runs and hides*. I also like that he calls people out on homophobia in the hip-hop community. I feel bad for men, it’s like there can only be one way of people taking them seriously, Kanye gets that. His new girl (really?) looks like a perfect match. I mean, she smiles, and looks like she eats, and he looks like he’s having a good time. Ya know, whatever.

    But this poor soul needs to take some time off and just grieve. There is only so much sorrow you can pour out in the music before the music itself starts crying in lamentations of its own awfulness.

    So I’m here for Kanye, although I too have a busy schedule. Vh1’s Monday night line-up is my relaxation time. Entertainer finally got rid of Bhudda, and the game finally got good. You know what, Kayne, call me during the shows, we’ll just talk and laugh during the commercials. Making fun of Ray J still looking like a little boy after all these years can be part of the healing process.

    Oh, and um…if we ever go out to lunch, I will bring some clippers and afro-sheen. For real. That hair needs to go. It ain’t funny anymore.

  2. Webmaster
    February 27, 2009 at 9:25 am — Reply

    That is one funny ass letter!

  3. Chanel
    February 27, 2009 at 9:55 am — Reply

    “Dammmmn did you see homeboy’s girl though, wack as hell in them leopard print leggings!”

    Bam. There u go. lol.

  4. (fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik]
    February 27, 2009 at 10:05 am — Reply

    I am in TEARS from the laughter!! this is genius!! lol

  5. Anonymous
    February 27, 2009 at 10:38 am — Reply

    Cole..you stupid….LMAO

  6. Anesidora
    February 27, 2009 at 10:43 am — Reply

    I can’t get over that picture… FTW??? Maybe he’s trying to re-create The Revolution?? Makes me want some pancakes….

  7. RB
    February 27, 2009 at 10:53 am — Reply

    My homeboy left the concert as soon as R. Kelly came on stage in some leopard-print leggings… That seemed appropriate…

  8. Peyso
    February 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm — Reply

    My homeboy had sex with a beautiful blind chick despite the fact that she had on leopard skin leggings.

  9. wannabepriss
    February 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm — Reply

    These leopard skin leggings makes my human mancock look animalistic! lmbo…lmbo…i love those international men and the LV shoes…maybe i just empathize with Ye in all his actingoutedness…”I’ll do anything for a blonde dyke/and she’ll do anything for the limelight” sounds like he is having fun–but she looks like she is making him very happy…p.s. 808s and Heartbreaks is his best venture to the wildside–he’s trying to see what sound to use on his next album from what i can tell–i loved it, pure musical genius–he said he didn’t care if no one liked it because it was a representation of all the heartbreak he experienced..p.p.s did you know he had another breezy who is debuting her robocop tendencies on the buffoonery show on BET about upcoming professionals? interesting–she looks like keri hilson.

  10. Beans
    February 27, 2009 at 6:50 pm — Reply

    MAAANNN Ife, I love Kanye and have been defending his recent behavior as him ‘acting out’ but sometimes the most talented, eclectic artists gotta have thier moments to act out. I think its a phase, and as a Ye connosieur, I have to ride the recent behavior out to see where he goes with it. My #1 guy Common had his “Electric Circus” album that was not well received at all, and hey, the brother was in a life changing, all you can think about kind of love. I rode that out and was fortunate enough to get “Finding Forever” and his last album was lovely too. I think this is Kanye’s “Electric Circus” moment, except because he’s Kanye it’s Electric Circus on freakin steroids. Let’s sit back, relax, and see what he does shall we? Also, wow, didn’t know he had a new chick. We’ll see what happens – I actually think he’ll get back with his ex-fiancee. There were a few pics of them where he is looking at her and he really did appear to be in love.

  11. Mr. Smart Guy
    February 27, 2009 at 7:37 pm — Reply

    First of all, I’m dead at this entire post but it had to be said. Secondly, is it bad that I’d actually rock Farnsworth’s outfit? Please don’t shoot me.

  12. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 27, 2009 at 7:56 pm — Reply

    Webmaster – Thanks!

    Chanel – YES! I love it.

    Fungke – I aim to make people cry. Wait… let me fix that. Tears bring me joy. I mean… Damn.

    Anonymous – LOL thank ya.

    Anesidora – Mmmm pancakes…

    RB – I approve.

    Peyso – LMAO! Hot mess. But it fits

    Wannabepriss – hahahahaha. I empathize w/ the man too. But methinks he needs an intervention

    Beans – Him and ol’ girl did seem like they liked each other. We shall see…

    Smartie – Farnsworth’s outfit is dapper but the white gloves threw me off. You’re un-shot.

  13. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 27, 2009 at 7:57 pm — Reply

    Oh, and JunePearl – Your entire comment was AWESOME! It was like a post within itself.

  14. verafero
    February 27, 2009 at 10:41 pm — Reply

    *double dead*
    I like most of what I’ve heard so far from 808’s and Heartbreak, and I kinda like Cueball’s look – it’s distinctive. But Leopard Legg’s “Eff Matching” ensemble is 17 levels of WRONG. Kind of like that “sangin” ‘ye did on SNL. This does to my eyes what that did to my ears.

  15. Simply Sona
    February 28, 2009 at 10:44 pm — Reply

    Ok, not to take any attention from the fact that he is still grieving his mothers death. But I think is suffering from “I ain’t got no mo songs to sample syndrome” This dude has sampled every song ever composed, written, and recorded… he’s run outta material and just can’t take the pressure that he may haveta actually write something of his own one day soon…

    another theory…

    He also is an attention whore, and will do, say, or wear anything that brings any type of attention to himself… I think he adopted this new “weirdness” so to speak, cuz he heard about ur blog, and he wanted to be worthy of all this awesomely luvvieness…! ;)

  16. Princess Mina
    March 1, 2009 at 12:48 pm — Reply

    Lmao! I agree with everything! Especially his lack of style lately and his posse…wrong on so many levels! Lol.

  17. VerbFashion
    March 1, 2009 at 2:11 pm — Reply

    LMAO! Great Letter!

    I’m guessing you viewed his concert on Storytellers last night, which was beyond entertaining. If not, it’ll be on again.

    Signed, a fan tired of him dressing and choosing shag mullets ‘MORE STUPIDLY’

  18. sabrina
    March 1, 2009 at 9:35 pm — Reply

    Do I have to use all three words consecutively?

    You sure you haven’t been hanging around in my head? I used to stan for Mr West, but now I’m at the brink of letting him go….I remember a concert where I took great pride in warning a 2529 not to let Kanye get her a$s kicked while singing Golddigger….oh the memories!

  19. GOODENess
    March 2, 2009 at 12:08 am — Reply

    10 points to anyone who can form a sentence where using these words together can be acceptable.

    “DAMN..Homeboy Ye is trippin but Amber is the bangingest in them leopard leggings!!!!”

    The thing that scares me the most about Ye’s obvious boycott of the entire Barber industry is that this shittery is going to catch on as some sort of “trend” and barber shops all over the country will fall victim to Clipper-gate at the hands of Kanye and his Evil Clucked Out Easter Suit Clique!

  20. LibraSong
    March 2, 2009 at 12:36 pm — Reply

    you have TRULY outIGed yourself with this one. you ARE the MOST Ig of them all. hands down.

  21. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    March 3, 2009 at 12:13 am — Reply

    Verafero – Make that 20 levels of WRONG

    Sona – Methinks all them theories of urs have a lick of truth in them. Oh, and I heart you

    Princess Mina – Glad you feeling it!

    VerbFashion – I actually missed his “storytellers”. Will need to catch rerun

    Sabrina – Yes, all 3 words. And I know its atrocious.

    Goodeness – You stoopid! lol

    LibraSong – First of all, you know YOU are the most Ig of all. Stop tryna give me that crown. B. thank ya kindlay. You are my muse.

  22. joshlos
    March 7, 2009 at 7:51 pm — Reply

    Hilarious. Mainly because it’s true. Also because that’s what you do. And I couldn’t agree more on the wack posse and the 808s and Heartbreaks singing nonsense. Blah.

  23. Dereke
    April 14, 2009 at 4:55 pm — Reply

    OMG Ife I almost DIED reading this. My abs hurt and I’m crying!!!

    “The words ‘homeboy’, ‘leopard-print’ and ‘leggings’ should never be uttered concurrently in a sentence. EVER.” LMFAO!!!!

    I thought I was the only one concerned about KanYe. This made my day.

  24. [...] *Dear Kanye – I noticed that Kanye’s been acting out lately, and had to write him a letter because I was concerned. This was even BEFORE TaylorSwift-gate 09. [...]

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