You already know the drill. Me and Alise are perpetually roasting each other’s manes so here is Dry Hairhat Battle III. So even if you’re reading this in your GReader, come visit for a second and vote in the comments section on who you think won.
And in case you missed it, check out Dry Hairhat Battles I & II. You can still vote on those too.
Red is Luvvie
White is Alise
Alise: you are a living tumbleweed, isn’t there a Western movie set waiting for your arrival?
Luvvie: Global warming is actually caused by the extreme dryness of ur hairhat. Seeping all the moisture and cold out the atmosphere
Alise: Come here I need to strike a match on your twists….
Luvvie: Rice Krispies got “snap, crackle and pop” from hearing you comb your hair. U created a cereal empire. They thank you
Alise: Luvvie is another synonym for dry… hair & personality
Luvvie: Alise is the antonym to moist and emollient
Luvvie: Albert Einstein saw a pic of ur hair and even HE said DAYUM!!
Alise: Your hair was sheared from a sheep that dined on steel and foil.
Luvvie: Don King thinks your hair is ridiculous and unacceptable
Luvvie: Shea butter was told to moisturize ur situation and it said “Mm mm yall dont pay me enough” and promptly quit
Luvvie: If ur hair had a biopic, it’d be called “Oh moisture, where art thou?”
Alise: If your hair was a blaxploitation flick it would be SuperDry
Luvvie: StaySofFro turned to ice when you put it on ur follicles. Twas sad
Luvvie: If ur hair had a character, it’d be a hippie. Rocking birkenstocks and hemp clothing. Granola bar face
Luvvie: I rebuke your hairhat in the name of holy water and communion oil! THANK YA JESAH!!
Alise: Your hair should join the mime ministry (because it can’t get out of the box of dryness)
Luvvie: Gawd is tryna tell ur follicles to “Speak with emollience”
Luvvie: If your hair was a color, it’d be cataract gray. Just clouded
Alise: If your hair was a computer it would be the original Apple, Dusty and obsolete.
Alise: and if it your hair was a computer game on said Apple it’d be Oregon Trail
Alise: If your hair was a comedian it would be D.L. Hughley, Dry and uninspiring.
Luvvie: HA! if your hair was a comedian, it would be carrot top. Irrelevant and nuisance
Luvvie: Aretha’s Hat (Hattie) saw your hairhat and petitioned to have ur hair banned from the Legions of Follicles
Luvvie: Anthony Hamilton’s taco meat chest hair called. It misses ur hair as a teammate. Come on back
Luvvie: Ur hair has halitosis of the follicles, a condition pioneered by u. No cure for is yet. They working on it
Alise: I didn’t know you could have psoriasis and eczema on the hairshaft… you should be studied.
Alise: What setting do your put your hair dryer on? Extra Evaporate?
Luvvie: I use the setting before urs, which is “never existed”
Luvvie: Ur hair is considered a national secret for its indestructible metal properties. Ol’ ultra titanium head face
Luvvie: In fact, Twiggy stole her name from whenst she saw Alise one day and Lise’s hair spoke to her for its branch-like ways
Luvvie: Webster is currently lookin for a new word 2 describe ur moisture-depleted follicles.
Alise: I have to pull out different languages to describe it: Pelo arido.
Alise: les cheveux secs
Alise: trockenes Haar (German)
Alise: Dryer than a mug (Ebonics)
Luvvie: Yeah and I need 2 pull out LOST languages 2 describe UR hair. I may have 2 use hieroglyphics on that ish
Luvvie: And sign language. And pig latin. And Old English. And Broken English.
Alise: yours is futuristic written and Venetian and Martian
Luvvie: No language can sufficiently express the utter aridity of that thang you call “hair”. I call it “straw” But tomatoes tomatos
Alise: Your hair description is written in the Dead Sea Scrolls…. and has the moisture of those scrolls too.
Luvvie: The moisture of ur hair has been lost at sea, like Odysseus. It’s been 10 years since you seent it
Alise: Your hair is an albatross, dryness hanging around your neck hindering everything you do
Luvvie: I was floored when I found out that salt scrubs are actually your hair flakes. Ur dandruff is teflon tough!
Alise: curtsies and side-eyes Luvvie
Luvvie: *deep bows and purses lips* You’ve fought well Alise-san. You are a worthy adversary, oh Tumble McWeederson
S0… who annihilated?