Random

Unfortunate Kiddies

So y’all know I love the Lawd (he hears my cries), and I’m on a perpetual journey to secure my place in His Glorious Golden Gates of Glittah. However, my IG and thoughts seem to be some obstacles I gotta get over. I was discussing this with my eSis ZeeBaby, and she was also concerned of our chances. I thought maybe we could do more community service, and she suggested that we could even look a homeless person in the eye when we say “No”. Iunno but after what I’m bout to say, I’mo need a backup plan to convince St. Peter’s to let me ease down that GLORIOUS ROAD!

Real Talk (don’t folks always say that to show they’re serious? What’s the other option? Virtual speak? Anyways…)

You know one thing that makes my soul unjoyful? When I see an unfortunate looking baby.

Sidenote: I don’t like using the word “ugly” to describe anyone since the word is so… well, ugly. I prefer less harsh synonyms. Like, asymmetrical Face. Awkward Grill. Uncomfortable DNA Makeup. Unblessed facial region. Besides, no one is really Ugly. We are all beautiful in our own way. Word to Barney & Baby Bop. *waiting for someone to start listing people who defy that rule*

Anyway, when I see an uncute baby, a part of me faints on the inside. How does that happen? I have a theory that when two VERY beautiful people procreate, their DNA may compete to shine, and they both fail. Epically. However, some non-stunning folks have kids that don’t curl all the way over too, and its hard for me to stomach. I guess some features just don’t mix well. This is all spurred by an event from the other day.

I was minding my own bitness the other night, watching VH1’s trashy reality show lineup

contemplating life’s important questions, when my eSis PBG sent me an email of a baby she knows and said “Bless this baby’s lil heart. She looks rather unfortunate in the face”.

Wells, I decided to go open the email. And people, I KEED YOU NOT! I am DEAD serious. On my MAMA, joe (y’all know that’s official truth). I opened it, got a look at this baby, and my Firefox crashed and said “iCant. EFF YOU!” “Error”! Damn right it was an error… for me to even open that email. It was like Firefox was offended that I even dared do that to it. In fact, it quit me so hard, I had to switch to Google Chrome afterwards because Firefox refused to work for the rest of the night. I thought I could do all things through Firefox which protected me from SPAM. But alas…*Sigh*

And when I signed back on to gchat and told PBG, she laughed at me and said she couldn’t handle me alone that night so we group chatted with Alise. These heffas proceeded to instigate my ban from Ye Olde Place of Fluffy Clouds.

My heart was burdened. How is a baby so unbecoming? I thought kids were supposed to be cute by default since they’re so small and round. They are ADORABLE. Or so I thought. This kid looked like she wasn’t from this 3rd Rock from the Sun we inhabit. Maybe the 5th or 6th. Ya know what, the baby was relatively new, so maybe she will grow into her face. And I actually find newborns so cute usually, although they are wrinkled. They are still the CUTEST! Until…

The baby didn’t look much different from this. AND the picture was closeup.
So yeah, I felt the need to exorcise my GMail, pray on it and ask the Lord for repression of memory. That is one picture I wish i could un-See. My mind’s eye was praying for macular degeneration. I just hope that kid’s fashion game is FIERCE, so folks can be like “Oooo thats nice! Does she have on gucci socks??? Oh, no thats Poochi. My bad.”*Goes back and reads post* Damn, I’m bogus. Now I feel kinda bad. :-( I hope none of the parents out there are mad at me. But this baby I saw was just so alarmingly unfavorable. I just… I just needed someone to listen. *sighs*

*Emailing the Lord with a 4-page letter repenting for my IG*

*CCs Allah, Buddha, Vishnu
*BCCs whatever Alien the Scientologists worship*Yes, I had to email all the deities. I hope my email doesn’t bounce back or end up in their spam folders.

17 Comments

  1. aliyasking
    February 25, 2009 at 8:53 am — Reply

    As the mother of an unfortunate-looking child, I always marvel at how people will lie straight to my face about how my little girl is “so cuuuute.”

    I think I am one of the few mothers who can see my child objectively. Perhaps it’s because I waited until my mid-30s to get knocked up. Maybe because I’ve made peace with my own unfortunate-ness. Maybe it’s because I was never pressed about having kids so I’ve never been about dressing her up. Homegirl is the only Black child I know whose ears are not pierced…

    Anyway.

    My little one is incredibly bright. And she will make you laugh. And she is very sweet.

    Cute? Not so much.

    • Tekiebelu
      June 25, 2013 at 9:07 pm — Reply

      Welp! At least you’re honest with yourself & others. I personally believe that if you look unfortunate, your mother is the first to know it

    • MrsDBo419
      August 1, 2014 at 2:12 pm — Reply

      I had to tell my daughter she grew into her cuteness because she was not cute until she was 6 months old. I used to crack up when folks be like she is sooo cute. I was thinking to myself, yeah no she not, but she mines so I love her anyway.

  2. Tonda
    February 25, 2009 at 9:05 am — Reply

    You are too damn funny.

    My aunt even calls her own grandchild ugly, I told her the child was cute, her reply, “Monkeys are cute, that child is ugly.”

    • ShaToya
      May 24, 2013 at 1:18 pm — Reply

      I’m hollering!!!!

  3. Luvvie (aka Queen IG)
    February 25, 2009 at 9:25 am — Reply

    Aliya – I applaud you for being the first parent I’ve ever heard to admit your child’s unfortunateness. *slow clap* Like, really. I know its hard for parents to see it sometimes. But I’m glad she’s a bundle of joy anyway. She sounds like a hoot!

    Tonda – LMAO @ “Monkeys are cute, that child is ugly”. DAYUM! lol Gotta love old folks. They dont care what they say.

  4. The Pretty Brown Girl
    February 25, 2009 at 10:50 am — Reply

    Now, I think my children are adorable, even as big as they are. But GOTDAMN them teefs they got in their heads! Whew, Lawd! The 15yr old is sporting a mouthful of braces right now and as soon as I get the go ahead from the dentist, the 10 year-old will get his hardware. I must have gone fishing in the shallow end of the gene pool cuz my teeth are straight and oh so purty!

    That lil’ baby…*shew*. She is gone have to be talented sho nuff to make up for that broken jigsaw puzzle of a DNA structure with which her parents blessed her. She’d better be reading Toni Morrison books @ age two and playing the violin like Perlman by 4.

  5. Nola.Divine
    February 25, 2009 at 11:30 am — Reply

    This is too funny! I’ve always wondered if parents know that their child is, “unfortunate looking”…or if it’s just automatically coded in the DNA to think your baby is the cutest ever.

  6. NaturallyAlise
    February 25, 2009 at 11:52 am — Reply

    Girl, we should never have to be livid at a baby’s forehead, it just ain’t right. By the way, I quit you forthwith, get thee to the corner tout-de-suite…

  7. Tha Management
    February 25, 2009 at 3:13 pm — Reply

    This was too much for me. I’m going to lay down and try again tomorrow. LoL.

  8. sabrina
    February 25, 2009 at 9:35 pm — Reply

    iCan’t breathe!

    *prays for her future children*
    Please BBJ, while I know physical beauty is not that important, bless my baby to be fortunate-looking early on. Thank you, amen.

  9. Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual
    February 25, 2009 at 9:53 pm — Reply

    OMG!!

    I had to say a prayer of repentance to the good LAWD above for laughing my ass off at this here post. You are wrong and you know it!
    And so am I for laughing.

    You know, they say if you make fun of chilluns for something (unfortunate-ness, etc.) you are asking for a Karmic backhand. Get on your knees and pray your babies come out like your niece (OMG I could EAT HER UP!!)

  10. Mr. Smart Guy
    February 26, 2009 at 2:04 pm — Reply

    I just say God bless them the ugly child – they may turn into Benjamin Button…

    That’s all I got.

  11. ChiChi10
    February 26, 2009 at 2:44 pm — Reply

    Speaking of unfortunate looking …

    http://thereal7.blogspot.com/2009/02/unpopular-opinions-2009_25.html

    *Snicker*

  12. Chuck St*r
    February 26, 2009 at 4:26 pm — Reply

    This is too damn funny!

  13. zeebaby
    March 3, 2009 at 10:30 am — Reply

    I CANNOT do this @ my damn job! But here i am nayway because its either laugh out loud and try to get my boss to read this post, or, comment.

    This was too damn funny, bless the unfortunate kiddies everywhere.

    Amen

    ps) In addition to Allah, Jesus and Vishnu, I have enlisted the help of a few of Harry and nems owls. Their fast!

  14. June 6, 2011 at 9:37 pm — Reply

    [...] so little. But sometimes, babies look less cuddly and more… how can I say this? Ah yes… unfortunate. I don’t like to use the word “ugly” because its ugly. I prefer less harsh [...]

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