Unfortunate Kiddies
So y’all know I love the Lawd (he hears my cries), and I’m on a perpetual journey to secure my place in His Glorious Golden Gates of Glittah. However, my IG and thoughts seem to be some obstacles I gotta get over. I was discussing this with my eSis ZeeBaby, and she was also concerned of our chances. I thought maybe we could do more community service, and she suggested that we could even look a homeless person in the eye when we say “No”. Iunno but after what I’m bout to say, I’mo need a backup plan to convince St. Peter’s to let me ease down that GLORIOUS ROAD!
Real Talk (don’t folks always say that to show they’re serious? What’s the other option? Virtual speak? Anyways…)
You know one thing that makes my soul unjoyful? When I see an unfortunate looking baby.
Sidenote: I don’t like using the word “ugly” to describe anyone since the word is so… well, ugly. I prefer less harsh synonyms. Like, asymmetrical Face. Awkward Grill. Uncomfortable DNA Makeup. Unblessed facial region. Besides, no one is really Ugly. We are all beautiful in our own way. Word to Barney & Baby Bop. *waiting for someone to start listing people who defy that rule*
Anyway, when I see an uncute baby, a part of me faints on the inside. How does that happen? I have a theory that when two VERY beautiful people procreate, their DNA may compete to shine, and they both fail. Epically. However, some non-stunning folks have kids that don’t curl all the way over too, and its hard for me to stomach. I guess some features just don’t mix well. This is all spurred by an event from the other day.
I was minding my own bitness the other night, watching VH1’s trashy reality show lineup
Wells, I decided to go open the email. And people, I KEED YOU NOT! I am DEAD serious. On my MAMA, joe (y’all know that’s official truth). I opened it, got a look at this baby, and my Firefox crashed and said “iCant. EFF YOU!” “Error”! Damn right it was an error… for me to even open that email. It was like Firefox was offended that I even dared do that to it. In fact, it quit me so hard, I had to switch to Google Chrome afterwards because Firefox refused to work for the rest of the night. I thought I could do all things through Firefox which protected me from SPAM. But alas…*Sigh*
And when I signed back on to gchat and told PBG, she laughed at me and said she couldn’t handle me alone that night so we group chatted with Alise. These heffas proceeded to instigate my ban from Ye Olde Place of Fluffy Clouds.
My heart was burdened. How is a baby so unbecoming? I thought kids were supposed to be cute by default since they’re so small and round. They are ADORABLE. Or so I thought. This kid looked like she wasn’t from this 3rd Rock from the Sun we inhabit. Maybe the 5th or 6th. Ya know what, the baby was relatively new, so maybe she will grow into her face. And I actually find newborns so cute usually, although they are wrinkled. They are still the CUTEST! Until…
*Goes back and reads post* Damn, I’m bogus. Now I feel kinda bad. 
I hope none of the parents out there are mad at me. But this baby I saw was just so alarmingly unfavorable. I just… I just needed someone to listen. *sighs*
*Emailing the Lord with a 4-page letter repenting for my IG*
Yes, I had to email all the deities. I hope my email doesn’t bounce back or end up in their spam folders.
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Category: Roast
