Yeah so what had happened with me writing a NEW post today was… *looking shifty*. I just ain’t. But I decided to repost one from House of IG from Nov. 12, 2008. (yes, I am plagiarizing myself but since I’m giving myself some credit, I will allow it). Thou shan’t judgeth me!
Gary Coleman is one celebrity who’s True Hollywood Story gets sadder by the day. Dude works as a security guard and is constantly found somewhere acting a monkey ass fool. Well, today is no different. Kindred and I saw these pictures of Lil Gary and it garnered such legendary roast. This one was even worse than “Scarlet’s Tumble”. *Sigh* Iunno if we just used our last chance into getting into those Pearly Gates of Glory. St. Peters, please cross this incident off and give us a freebie. It is not our fault.
Luvvie: First of all, I take personal offense to him being that ashy. I mean, in this day and age of technological advances, this mofo couldn’t find some aloe vera nowhere?? He couldn’t amazon one to be overnighted or nuffin huh?
Kindred: I take personal offense to him for those cracked lips.
Luvvie: them lips look like he stays chewing powdered donuts. Who TOLD him?? Looks like he is a smile away from bleeding lips
Kindred: and you tahm bout ashy? his eyebrows got dandruff
Luvvie: hahahaha not dandruff. They DO look quite flaky
Kindred: he is selfish and irresponsible for putting this pic on the internet
Luvvie: I mean his whole BEING is just ash-tastic. like if he exhales, a puff of smoke will jus come out
Kindred: how am I sposed to concentrate when the desert that is his face is in my lifespace?
Luvvie: ash like that gotta hurt. he do got my whole soul parched. I’m starting to itch jus looking at him
Kindred: they need to have an ash intervention
Luvvie: I got an overwhelming urge to go dive into a pool of shea butter and crisco
Kindred: I’m pretty sure this constitutes terrorism
Luvvie: his whole fam needs to sit him down and say how concerned they are. shoot, for all we kno, he may actually be chocolate. but he look all dusty so we cant tell what skin tone he got
Kindred: chocolate? no. petrified cocoa powder? maybe
Luvvie: hahahahahaha not petrified!! I thought my computer had a film over it. I’m like “why is my monitor so dusty?”
Kindred: hehe I thought I had cataracts
Luvvie: I thought I had cataracts for a second there
Kindred: WHOA fantastic
Luvvie: Ooo I bet he looks like pigpen when he walks. u kno how he was always in a cloud of dinge??
Kindred: I bet he sucks the moisture out of everything within a 10 mile radius
Luvvie: YESS!! lookin like SpongeBob when he over-tanned and bleached. The sahara is prolly so dry b/c he took a stroll on it one day
Kindred: I’m pretty sure he could be a cartoon villain
Luvvie: lmao!! His superpower is drying out his surroundings
Kindred: yep, the Moistureless Marauder. the Villain Against Vaseline. the Scum of Shea
Luvvie: the Titan of Tar. The Dusty Degenerate
Kindred: the Crusty Criminal. the Sunbaked Savage
bwhahahaha I’m so funny
Luvvie: hahahahahahah The Arid Ass
Luvvie: all I kno is, ash like that aint right. aint nuthin good about it. if I keep looking at his pic though, I’mo need some Visine eye drops. My eyes are burning jus string at it
Kindred: I need to oil my scalp all over again
Luvvie: lmao. He jus gave me psoriasis. and a not-so-mild case of eczema
Kindred: don’t they have a Task Force for this sorta thing? I mean, I’d willingly support it
Luvvie: sho nuff. We could call them “Aloe Force”. that mofo got a milk moustache but he lactose intolerant
Kindred: ewww who knows what that is
Luvvie: molded ash?? ash fungus??
Kindred: he should be quarantined
Luvvie: yeah he prolly got SARS. or foot and mouth disease
Kindred: I’d rather have anthrax than sit next to him on the bus
Luvvie: hahahahahahahaha not anthrax!!
Kindred: I mean it
Luvvie: he needs to take a bath in ash-begone
Kindred: I bet when he walks it sounds like the noise you make when scrubbing the bathtub with steel wool
Luvvie: hahahahaha Ajax and aluminum
Kindred: all friction and sharp sounds
Luvvie: eewwww my whole essence is thirsty jus looking at him
Kindred: I’ve gone through 4 bottles of water so far, and I haven’t even had lunch
Luvvie: U prolly still dehydrated. It may b best that we stop looking at him
Kindred: I fear that ashyitis will be the death of me
Luvvie: lol Yeah could b contagious
Kindred: my cuticles hurt
Luvvie: I got flakes now
Kindred: sidenote: did you know that an ashy is a type of bird? I’m pretty sure there’s a joke in there somewhere
Luvvie: hahahahahaha. Oh nooo. Is it a bird of prey? Sucking out all the moisture in its surroundings?
Kindred: hahahahahaa Nope it looks like a swallow
Luvvie: swallowing all the hydration in its habitat??
Kindred: so technically, an ashy swallow could be a bird…. or a lady of the night
Luvvie: I mean seriously. His level of ash is OFF the charts!!! Like ash like that cant be earned. It has to be innate!!
like he was BORN with the dry gene. He is missing the hydration chromosome. like his lifespace, essence, soul and ego are parched. He got a sandbox in his house that he dives in every morning. that mofo’s lotion is chalk. the ash seems to be spreading to his elbows too. like quicksand ash. He’s drowninnnnnn
Kindred: aw man I was missing something this morning and now I realize I was low on Ig
Luvvie: lmao now u ODed
Kindred: hahaahhaha I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t have any more left in me
wait, I’m lyin
Kindred: but I don’t have the energy to go on
Luvvie: u KNO u a gahtdarn lie
Kindred: hahahaha “let the Ig empower you”
Luvvie: Let Ig pour its energy in ur soul
Kindred: *collapses all dramatic like*
Luvvie: SOMEONE GET HER SOME LOTION!! *fans Kindred*
See? Ashyitis is dangerous to your health. Friends don’t let friends be ashy.
*THE MORE YOU KNOW*
*Insert Q-List Celebrity Here*