Random

Baby Bangs Foolishness

So I was chatting with the ePosse on Gmail the other night when PBG decides she wanted to ruin my night by sending me a link. I click on it and was immediately appalled at the foolishness I witnessed. It’s a site called Baby Bangs! Hair Band.

Yes, this is actually, the website’s description of the product. I did a screenshot to capture it.

Before I even talk about the product itself, I’m outraged by this mess of a description. What in the multi-font, colorful heck is this? There are no less than 5 fonts used in the 17-word description. WHY? And all them colors. PLUS the blatant disregard for the use of capitalization is really upsetting me. “LiTTLe” just about offended me to pieces! And “Ready2Wear”. REALLY? Who’s 9-year old tweenager was allowed to do this? WHO? Shouldn’t she be at a Hannah Montana concert, instead of doing design for a website? iCan’t. And if its a grown person that did this, for SHAME!

And on to the product. Of course, Baby Bangs! is the first and only ready to wear hairstyle headband. Some ideas were meant to have NO pioneers, and this is one of them. What the eff? There is a reason no one has tried to patent baby combovers. These reasons include:

  • We’re still trying to stop adults from rocking combovers. Starting babies with combovers will just be worsening the problem
  • Babies are rough. Them wearing, essentially, half wigs is gonna end in an embarassing occurrence where the baby comes down the slide, and their baby bangs comes down after them. Or the baby is being pushed on the swings and a gust of wind comes and floats the bang away
  • How vain are we that we are trying to put our infants in half wigs???

This is deliriously stupid! I can’t believe that’s what we’re on in 2009. Baby hairhats? I’m outdone. Then came the HILARIOUS summary of what Baby Bangs are made of.

“Our patent pending HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girl’s (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!! It’s quick, easy and baby barely knows it’s there. Each Baby Bangs! HAIR+band has been made using only the finest ribbons and fabrics, PLUS our Baby Bangs! come to you pre-customized & size appropriate, cut, styled and ready for immediate wear. The wispy hair strands have been arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure! Silky strands of Monofiber Kanekalon are used to create our Baby Bangs! Hair Strands. Kanekalon is the most realistic man-made hair fiber available.”

The old me was dead and gone after reading “The wispy hair strands have been arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure!“. BWAHAHAHAHA! Not “elfish coiffure”. Done. You hear me?? THROUGH! Is that supposed to make me be like “Well, I DO want my child looking like one of Santa’s helpers. Sign me up!”. No… just NO! And “only the finest ribbons and fabrics” my tush! What in the world is Monofiber Kanekalon? That sounds like the name of a character on “Lilo & Stitch.” They might as well say those baby bangs are made with the finest polyurethane and viscose fabric. Psht! They are playing baldheaded games! Just BALD!

The entire site reads like satire, because their seriousness about the awesomeness of the baby bangs is just TOO much. iRebuke, reject and denounce everything this product stands for. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a product of Mama Tina’s Baby Dereon line. Like lacefront wigs for babies. She’s trying to turn our lil futures into Mini Beyonces. I just KNOWED it!

This right here ain’t nothing but some pure, unadulterated foolishness. iCant.

Synthetic half wigs + wispy hair + babies = the most EPIC of fails.

Oh and just so you know, the baby’s hair at the crown of the head is wispily combed over to blend in with the bangs. It’s terrible.

I don’t even wanna put the link of the site in this post, lest a parent purchases it on my “endorsement”. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I was an accomplice to child abuse. And yes, I believe Baby Bangs is a form of child abuse. That’s straight humiliation. What is WRONG with people? If your baby looks like a human egg, you best get their hats game proper instead of opting for this atrocious abomination of an accessory. Using this on an infant is an appalling application of aptitude.

Parents don’t let other parents buy their kids baby bangs.

34 Comments

  1. amymay
    March 23, 2009 at 4:54 am — Reply

    Not the babies!! Why?

    LMAO @ character off of Lilo & Stitch!

    Better not get too close to them babies with any open flame, or fwoosh!! there go them wispy elfish kanekalon hairhats!

  2. The Pretty Brown Girl
    March 23, 2009 at 8:23 am — Reply

    NurseAmy is RIGHT! Kankelon hair MELTS!! It is effin’ FLAMMABLE! WTF??? These people are CRAZY! I was so mad @ this foolishness!

    Whoever came up w/this foolishness needs to go straight to hell wearing some of their own Kankelon hair!

  3. KindredSmile
    March 23, 2009 at 8:36 am — Reply

    LMAO I know you warned me about this here post, but I’m still mad at your soul for introducing this to my lifespace. I can’t support infantile hairhattery, just like I can’t support these:

    http://heelarious.com/ava.php

    Why can’t our kids be kids?

  4. Luvvie
    March 23, 2009 at 9:11 am — Reply

    Amy – You are so right. That hairhat could start a forest fire. Smoky the Bear would not approve

    PBG – They sure in the hell do need to go to the pits of Dereon sequined Hades

    Kindred – I tried to prep ya. Dont say I aint warn ya that this here foolishness was off the charts

    And the baby heels. I don’t have the strength. I just don’t. Not tooooddaaayyyy

  5. jeanette nicole*
    March 23, 2009 at 10:11 am — Reply

    I was too through after seeing the hairhats as you call them, only to scroll down and see baby heels? I can't & shan't. Why do people insist on consistently abusing the chirrens?!

  6. Lite (day ol') Bread
    March 23, 2009 at 10:18 am — Reply

    Awesomely Luvvvvvvvvvvie (did I get enuf “v”’s, I can’t counts),
    When you hit the “elfish coiffure” I had to (besides goin’ to the dictionary to find what “coiffure” is) had a total “Lord of the Rings” meltdown, ‘cause I was picturing little Legolas’s.
    I’m gonna “invent” glue-down ugly, gawdish ribbons to on tack on baldie’s head, to avoid public displays of “F*%K You! She a GIRL, Gawd-Dagnit! I can’t help it her ugly baby-daddy can’t grow no hair either!”

    PS. Watch out, Lite Bread jus figured what a web “Link” is … I found YOU, lol.

  7. K$
    March 23, 2009 at 10:42 am — Reply

    I can’t even wrap my head around this enough to formulate a proper comment. Like don’t folks got other stuff to focus on… the economy, hole in the ozone layer… something!, other than putting weave on yo’ damn baby?!

  8. Luvvie
    March 23, 2009 at 11:09 am — Reply

    Jeanette – Yeah folks be taking advantage of kids’ helplessness by playing them like they short (I mean, they are short, but dang)

    Lite Bread – LMAO!!! I don’t know whether to celebrate that you found me, or mourn the loss of coherent comments. I heart you either way! lol

    K – Clearly, folks; priorities are jacked up!

  9. aliyasking
    March 23, 2009 at 11:10 am — Reply

    MmmHmm. Y’all think this is funny. I will bet money that none of y’all have a two-year old with unpierced ears and no hair. None of y’all have to deal with the drama of saying, “actually it’s a she” ten times a day. This is a godsend! I hope they make a nappy-headed version!

  10. Assertive Wit
    March 23, 2009 at 11:28 am — Reply

    baby wigs tho? it’s a damn baby…its hair will grow. this is hilarious tho…especially that picture…that baby looked like a cabbage patch kid LOL

  11. The Pretty Brown Girl
    March 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    @ aliyasking

    I had my daughter’s ears pierced @ age 2mos, only because I didn’t want her to have to go thru any memorable pain as an older child. Plus, that’s just how its done in my family.

    I honestly NEVER have a problem telling a boy baby from a girl baby. They just LOOK different! People asked all the time if my son was a girl cuz he had a luscious ‘fro as a baby. I never got that cuz he had a very distinctive mini-man face from birth.

  12. N.I.A.naturally....
    March 23, 2009 at 12:54 pm — Reply

    This is hilarious!! How are you gonna make a baby wig, and then make it out of flammable material?!! And that baby in the pic looks silly with a wig on. But, I don’t know, maybe a wig is better than that itty bitty pony tail on top of the head that some parents give their kids. Messing up the girls’ edges before she even really has edges….

  13. Luvologist
    March 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm — Reply

    *tiptoeing in*
    *looking around*
    *whispering*

    See what happens when weave goes wild?

    *backing out very slowly*

    LMAO @ my word verification being ‘wisped’.

  14. Luvvie
    March 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm — Reply

    Aliya – I laughed HARD @ ur hope of a nappy-headed one. It’ll be turrble b/c it’ll look like the hair hat of a Jackson 5. No child deserves that.

    Also, why dont u pierce the lil one’s ears? Possible keloid risk? B/c I know thats why my goddaughter’s ears are yet to be pierced

    Assertive – That baby IS adorable. But with the wig on…

    PBG – Hehe mini man face. Gurl there are some babies with very androgynous faces. They havent come into their own gender quite yet. While other babies look like lil old men and lil ladies.

    Nia – I think the top ponytail is cute on some kids. They look all adorabo and angelic although the hair is bout as much as a paintbrush.

    Luvologist – HA! Perfect word verification

  15. sabrina
    March 23, 2009 at 8:32 pm — Reply

    It won’t kill nobody to explain that it’s a girl or it’s a boy. There are other ways to let people know besides dressing babies as a mini-woman…what’s next? Similac-flavored lipstick and waterproof baby mascara? They’re KIDS, people! Bows and ribbons, footballs and trucks…

  16. T
    March 24, 2009 at 8:17 am — Reply

    W
    O
    W

    That’s all I can say… wow!

  17. Miss_Mielle
    March 24, 2009 at 1:41 pm — Reply

    OMG. 1st of all…Luvvie I am simultaneously ~dead~ and through with you. Not to mention the fact that the little sample picture to me clearly was a boy before the addition of that Shirley-Temple-with-a-press-and-curl wig. I’m gonna pray for that child.

    And…baby heels? Cuz it wasn’t enough that we put our 10 month olds in leggings and vinyl boots? Obviously the last step in the miseducation/prehoochifying of les enfants.

    I’m so done.

  18. aliyasking
    March 24, 2009 at 7:04 pm — Reply

    yeah, luvvie. lots of keloidal scarring in my family. so unfortunately, I have to break Black Mom Rule #1.

  19. Luvvie
    March 24, 2009 at 9:25 pm — Reply

    Sabrina – iCackled at “Similac-flavored lipstick and waterproof baby mascara?”. Then I wept that someone picked it up as an idea and are currently manufacturing

    T – Yeah, speechlessness is a side effect of such epic foolery

    Miss Mielle – Noooo dont be thru with me!! And I just dont have the strength to address the baby heels

    Aliya – Oh ok. I underdig (understand)

  20. Anonymous
    March 26, 2009 at 4:59 am — Reply

    REBUTTAL to NEGATIVE Feedback Responses to Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.

    Ok, so it seems there are many bloggers, readers, followers etc… out there that are opposed to my creation ‘Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.’.

    I just wanted everyone to know and PLEASE be rest asssured that Baby Bangs! were, by NO means, created to harm a baby in any way, shape or form.

    Baby Bangs! were created as a fun-fashion NOVELTY hair accessory alternative for babies who have little or no hair.

    These are not intended to be used or worn ‘all day, every day’, they are just something different than the ordinary hair accessories made for the baldy baby.

    Baby Bangs! can safely and comfortably be worn for glam pictures, dress up, family outings, weddings, holidays, pageants, etc., and unlike the Baby Toupee, whether they are used for fun or fashion, Baby Bangs! will give the child a realistic appearance of having a true head full of hair.

    Baby Bangs! are a fun way to allow mothers of bald baby girls the opportunity of seeing their little one with hair, and also gives them a very unique change from the ordinary.
    PLUS they make a great conversation piece…(as we see here…)and will certainly be the most talked about baby shower gift of ALL! LOL!

    Baby Bangs! are a NEW and UNIQUE HAIR ACCESSORY made FOR BABY GIRLS that is constructed with wispy hair strands hidden secretly inside of an ORDINARY elastic headband that can safely be worn for FUN or FASHION.

    Hopefully this post will clear up any misunderstandings.

    Thank you! :-)
    Lisa Campbell
    Creator of Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.

  21. Anonymous
    March 26, 2009 at 5:08 am — Reply

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot!

    http://www.babybangshairband.com/

  22. The Pretty Brown Girl
    March 26, 2009 at 2:04 pm — Reply

    Ms.Campbell,

    Go sell your ridiculous product somewhere else. I ain’t buying. You come off as haughty and full of nonsense. You are out to make a dollar by preying on the insecurities of first time parents who I know for a FACT will buy just about any piece of garbage marketed as “fun” or “good for development”. You can fool them, but I’ve been a Mama for a combined 20years and caring for young children almost as long.

    Your product is unnecessary, predatory and insulting. It feeds into the spirit of vanity and plants the seeds of low self-esteem in girls who will already have to fight that and other REAL issues as they grow up. Your reasoning is deplorable and you should be ashamed of yourself.

    Newflash: Some babies are SUPPOSED to be bald. If they weren’t, they would be born w/a full head of lustrous locks. Bald babies are perfectly normal and beautiful and for you to suggest otherwise w/these infant wigs is just ridiculous.

    Your get rich quick scheme is sinister and you are doing infant girls and their families a great disservice. I hope you get all you deserve out of this mess.

    Most assuredly disgusted,
    PBG

  23. Kim Moldofsky
    March 26, 2009 at 9:33 pm — Reply

    @cutiebootycakes sent me here from Twitter. Yikes! This is just sooo wrong. Novelty, shmovelty. Way to teach out daughters that they need to conform to societal expectations as soon as they are born.

  24. joshlos
    March 26, 2009 at 10:00 pm — Reply

    LOL… Hilarious, Luvvie.

    And to the “Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.” creator-lady… seriously??? “bald baby girls”??? Ummm… they’re babies. They’ll grow hair as they, well, grow. Moms can see their kids with hair when they actually grow it. And I wouldn’t mistake getting clowned on for being a “great conversation piece.”

  25. Anonymous
    March 26, 2009 at 10:04 pm — Reply

    The blog was so funny. Baby bangs? Not-so-much. I have a 9 yr old grandaughter that thinks Hannah Montana and Wizard of Waverly girls are the norm. She competes with them in clothes and “the look”…what is going to happen to the future girls that have pictures in the family album with a wig on? WT-Heck? The poor kids weren’t cute enough as babies that their Mom had to cover their..baldness? Unspeakable.

    Your blog was funny though. I cant imagine any Mom falling for this product…but some Moms have surprised me before. My kids would have had the wig off in a heartbeat and started eating it. I hope the few wigs they sell meet with a similar fate.

  26. Renée aka Mekhismom
    March 26, 2009 at 10:08 pm — Reply

    Luvvie this is a hilarious post. I think that this baby “wig” is ridiculous and is sending the wrong message to baby girls. Hair grows – it takes longer for some than others but trying to remedy the situation with a wig is reprehensible!

  27. corkee
    March 26, 2009 at 10:13 pm — Reply

    I just read the comment that the Baby bangs creator posted. Excuse me? Baby and Bald should not be used in the same sentence! Babies aren’t bald. Balding is a condition of LOSING one’s hair, either through aging, disease or chemotherapy. I read your description of what the product was intended for. It still screams “a baby with no hair (yet) is less than”…not as cute as a baby with a head of “wispy bangs”…I don’t buy your description. You might as well set the poor girl babies up for a breast augmentation when she turns 13 too. I mean, what if she turns out..OMG..flat? How are you gonna fix that? Teenie Boobs?

    I am still appalled at the message your product sends to mothers and children. A perfect little baby does not need an enhancement in any form. They are perfect. Just as they are. No hair and all. Grr that you defended this product and added your URL just in case some poor insecure Mom falls for the defense.

  28. Luvvie
    March 26, 2009 at 10:18 pm — Reply

    LMAO I’m sooooo glad everyone is as pissed bout this as I am.

    Tomorrow’s blog post is my response to the comment the Baby Bangs creator left me. Will be up in less than an hour. Already written. Just waiting for midnight to hit.

  29. Ms_Slim
    March 27, 2009 at 3:44 pm — Reply

    iDIIIIED @ ‘elfish coiffure’
    Right before you jumped in on the phrase, I was like, ‘what?!’ LMAO!!!

    I was rebirthed and whatnot then looked and saw that ol girl commented LMAOOOO. Enough is enough, folks. This is doin too much by far!

  30. Ms_Slim
    March 27, 2009 at 3:54 pm — Reply

    One more thing…

    And Kanekalon is a company of hair weave. They are one of my company’s clients. Brandy (the singer) endorses them as well. They also have brands called Ultima and Pro 10 among others.

    Back to me laughing…lmao

  31. Sane
    June 26, 2009 at 8:46 pm — Reply

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Luvvie! You're my hero! I knew about the versions for black babies but they have them for white babies too!?
    I'm covering myself with dirt right now. Your commentary was SO funny! Love the site!

  32. Say What???
    June 7, 2012 at 2:13 pm — Reply

    I’m late as hell. Knew NOTHING of this Baby Bangs business, until today…

    I am sad… Sad, because once I lived in a world, where babies had the breeze flapping against their bald heads… Now, we have idiots, getting LOANS, to fund a small business, that puts PLASTIC FLAMMABLE WIGS, on babies…

    This foolishness is ONLY acceptable, if that baby has on a costume!… Then I will laugh. Or, as a gag joke. Or, to snap pictures to torture the kid with later, just cause you can. Totally acceptable. But any person, that actually goes “oh dear, such an unsightly bald head!” and opts to spladow this kankelon hair on a babies head as a “neccessity,” needs to be FINED!

  33. […] *Baby Bangs Foolishness – I came across a website that sold headbands that had fake hair attached to it… for BABIES. You know I had to rant about it. Oh, and to make matters worse. The creator of the website left me a comment justifying the foolishness. […]

  34. Danielle
    April 4, 2014 at 2:24 pm — Reply

    I am sitting here at my desk at my good gub’mint job in tears!!! My core exercises are done for the day.

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