BlackPlanet is the Black Hole of Irrelevance
Social networking makes the world go round nowadays. In my High School days, I used to eHang on AOL Instant Messenger, highschoolclub.com (remember that?), and of course BlackPlanet. There were many lunchtimes when we’d all go into the computer lab to update our BP pages on some “Girl, did you see my new picture???”. Just gleeful in our teenage state.
Anywho, the other day while eLoitering on Twitter, someone mentioned how they knew someone who still had a BlackPlanet page. Wait, what? Did I fall through a space-time continuum and land squarely in Y2K? Are people still stunting with 2-way pagers and grayscale screen cellphones? Christina Aguilera, is that you coming out that genie bottle? Stop playing! Is that an ombre FUBU jersey under a denim outfit? Is Pluto still a planet? Well slap me in the morning and tell me it’s midnight!
BlackPlanet is where all progressive technology goes to die. Ol’ simple pages with complicated elements used to grind my gears. I still remember those overbusy profiles with emblazoned wallpaper (see: Reasons why I also can’t stand MySpace). A fully loaded BlackPlanet page could induce someone into an overstimulation-induced seizure. Trying to load a Blackplanet page took at least 5 minutes with the music and glitter used to crash my computer (especially since Dial-Up ruled the world).
Not only that, but BP was a black hole of unholy intentions. Folks would post their Magic Photo portraits, with just the right amount of ultraglare and ish to drown out their awkward features and whatnot. You know, the pics where they’d be perched on a column with their fists under their chin. Shoot, they just KNEW they looked good. Tryna find a boo and whatnot. Who knows how many
hookups jump off love connections were made on Blackplanet? Someone oughta do a census survey. I’m curious.
Dang, I could easily scratch out all the BlackPlanet mentions in this post and replace with MySpace and it would still be accurate. The more things change, the more things stay the same.
There is no excuse for anyone to have a BlackPlanet page in this year of the Lord. iRebuke the notion in the name of Web 1.0 and the new Millenium. And I douse it with holy water. Get thee behind me!!! BlackPlanet is the Land of the Irrelevant. No one should have any business being on it. Not a n’an person.
BlackPlanet is more irrelevant than:
- A $5 gas card
- A Wachovia bank account
- Saucony gym shoes
- OctoMom’s NuvaRing
- A headband for Stevie
- A ponytail holder for Amber Rose
- THIS Guy:
They oughta just let BlackPlanet ride into the sunset of the intrawebs to the Land of Abandoned Websites, along with hi5.com (oh it’s still around? Dang. I may need to wrangle a lotta these sites and have a mass funegro for em). I’d rock some clogs and a respectable church fedora and we could pour out some amaretto sour to all them sites that are dead and gone (although the Dot Com bust clearly missed some).BlackPlanet needs to go sat down.
P.S. Word on the eStreet is that KING Magazine will be ceasing to exist. Where will the men get their monthly fix of Ass, Cash & Flash??? Oh yes, BET, VH1, YouTube, Google, Trina’s Calendar…
“You Need More People“ April Fools Day and all that good stuff. Don’t give anyone any news today if its true, lest you wanna be side-eyed to death. Got that college acceptance letter? Wait. Expecting your first tax refund baby? Tomorrow’s a better day to break it to him. Flunking outta school? Now THAT you may wanna tell today. Your parents would think you’re lying so they won’t believe you. But you can still say “But I told you. It ain’t my fault you ain’t trust me enough to believe me.” I ain’t telling NOBODY nothing today. I’d be like “I’m Black.” Them: “Iunno. Tell me again on the 2nd. I’ont believe you.”