LetterMy Life

Dear Future Mini Luvvie

Everywhere I look now, people are having kids. It’s like the 2nd Baby Boom. I’ve counted no less than 50 of my peers with kiddies in the past year. I have so many baby showers lined up that it makes no sense. Whatever’s in the water, I’m not having it. Also, in the past couple of weeks, two of my favorite bloggers (Mr. Smart Guy and This May Concern You) have written letters to their future kids. This got me a-thinking and I wanted to write one too to my future mini Luvvie.

Dear Fruit of my Loins,

First, I wanna tell you that I love you with every ounce of my being, and your presence in my life is God’s greatest gift to me. You were created in His image, and are His child, but He’s chosen me to be your tour guide through this topsy turvy world. However, my tour doesn’t come with a manual and we may get lost a couple of times. I will make mistakes but be patient with me and I will do the same for you.

You will be cute. This is unavoidable. And since I have noticed that a kid’s cuteness is inversely related to how bad they are, this means you may be a bit of a handful. Your ears will recover after being twisted so many times, don’t worry. Oh and the Puss in Boots eyes you do when you want something still gets me sometimes doesn’t work on me.

My genes will possibly trump your father’s because they are mighty strong. His fought the good fight too but, ya know, I won. So your eyes will probably be slanted. When kids (and even some adults) tease you about this or ask you which one of your parents is Asian (and they will ask), don’t fret. Just smile and realize that they are paying you a compliment for having eyes that stand out. And add that your eyes are from your GORGEOUS mother (tee hee).

Lil Luvvie at 3 months!

It’s best that you don’t lie to me because I WILL figure it out. I was a schemer back in my youth. Plus, I am on all the social networking sites that you are on too. You may not wanna lie to me about where you’re going with your friends because best believe that if I see a picture of you being somewhere that you didn’t say you’d be, I will embarrass you by commenting under every pic with “You’re SO gonna get it.” Let’s avoid that. Be truthful to me and I will give you enough lee way to have fun.

Know that I am at my wit’s end with you when you hear me sound like Grandma all of a sudden. I will go from being your chill, laid back mom to being an irate Yoruba Mother who calls you a “Foolish IJOT!” Despite the tongue lashing, I will calm down and we can then talk sensibly about what you’ve done. If you slam my door, you will find yourself without a room door the next day. You better huff and puff some other way.

Oh and I will guilt trip you with that whole “You spent 9 months in my womb” deal. I have the right. Deal with it.

Don’t worry about your college education. We have you covered… for 4.5 years that is. If you’ll be a super senior, your last semester may have to be financed by you. Me and your father will have to discuss whether you’re earned that other .5. If it’s an engineering degree, then I can understand. And just so you know, if your degree will be in Sociology, you BETTER complete it in 4, otherwise, that entire year 5 is YOURS to figure out. I’m just saying. Ain’t no reason for you to spend 5 years in Undergrad for that. Sorry, I’m lecturing you already.

You can come to me for anything, and I will do my best to help you (unless its Geometry or Trigonometry. Then I can’t do nothing for you but hire a tutor).

And Daddy’s Princess, don’t ask your father about anything going on waist down. It gives him the heebie jeebies. That’s what I’m here for. Also, if you want to date, I suggest you prep the lucky guy before coming over. He WILL get grilled by Dad (a la the movie “Bad Boys”). Mommy’s Boy, when you start wondering why your pants are getting tighter around cute girls, just ask Daddy, because I may just start crying that “my baby’s becoming a man.” Also, please don’t bring just any girl in my house in no daisy dukes and a cropped top. She will get roasted and who needs to know that I made a teenage girl cry?

Also, you had better not make me a Grandmother before my time! You know what? I don’t think I want you to date until at least high school is over. Yes, that works. HMPH! *ice grills Future Mini*

I will call you from another room to get the remote for me although its only 5 feet away. Don’t get mad when this happens. It’s one of your unwritten jobs (and one of the perks of being able to boss you around).

To me, you’re the smartest, funniest, most beautiful person on God’s green Earth. But remember to always stay humble. No matter how smart or funny you are, someone else is smarter and funnier. Arrogance is unnecessary and counterproductive. However, don’t feel that you have to become less of a person to make others feel better. Did this confuse you?

I will frustrate you a lot with overprotectiveness, but I can’t help it. It’s in the Mother’s Handbook. When you trip and fall, I will be there to hug you, kiss your boo boo and make you feel better. As you grow up, simply hugging you may not make things better, but trust that I will do what I can to make it so. Can’t nobody mess with MY BABY!

When its cold outside, I will slather you with Shea butter and vaseline, like my Mom did. You will leave the house looking like a human oil slick but ash has no place in my house. I will also get you pencils with extra grip so your greasy fingers can still hold on to them when you get to school. You will thank me for this.

Your smiles and hugs make my days! Give me more!

I’ve done all I can to instill in you the values that I hold close to me: faith, honesty, integrity, love of life and people, are some. If you can look at yourself in the mirror everyday and be happy with who you see, I will know I’ve done my part. I will push you to be the best person you can be, and my expectations for you are high. But that’s because it’s easy being mediocre in a subpar world. You, my dear, are exceptional.

Loving you unconditionally,

Mommy

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29 Comments

  1. Mr. Smart Guy
    March 24, 2009 at 11:24 pm — Reply

    While this epic tale seems longer than Moby Dick, Oliver Twist and The Art of War combined, it was definitely worthwhile.

    I’m a little biased but I think you’ll be great at the mommy thing… :)

    Great read, Sister Luvingoodandlongtime…

  2. Luvvie
    March 24, 2009 at 11:32 pm — Reply

    G-Ness,

    1. I cackled. It is indeed a tome. I didn’t even know I had that much to say to my Future.

    b. Aw shucks! :-D

    3a. LOL!

  3. TolaSol
    March 25, 2009 at 1:51 am — Reply

    I’ve been lurking for a few weeks now. Lurking and cackling in the way only Naija peeps can.
    I had a strange sense of familiarity reading your posts until I figured out your ancestry and then I had an ‘a-ha’moment.
    Anywho, I have an 8month sproglet and your letter to your unborn child beautifully encapsulates everything.
    You really do feel that yours are the absolute best!
    Fww, my very shallow virtual knowledge of you suggests you’re gonna be very good at the mommyhood!

  4. thismayconcernyou.com
    March 25, 2009 at 6:24 am — Reply

    I would be petrified to be Reggie from Bad Boys… lol … and I love the letter period, especially the term “topsy-turvy world.” I will use that.

    Also, the part about college… I woulda just barely made it per your payment plan. lol.

    Good letter, and thanks for the link.

    Deuces,
    Dame

  5. luvtheshoes
    March 25, 2009 at 8:04 am — Reply

    I had to totally laught at

    “Also, please don’t bring just any girl in my house in no daisy dukes and a cropped top. She will get roasted and who needs to know that I made a teenage girl cry?”

    I took my 13 year old son to the high school football game and after surveying the ignant, slu!!y things them girls were wearing, I told him to not evah introduce me to any such dressed girl and try to tell me she is somebody to him. He will be made to look like a fool for that type of nonsense!

  6. Luvvie
    March 25, 2009 at 9:10 am — Reply

    Tola – Yayyy!! Thanks for delurking. And yes ooo! I’m Naija babe. And “sproglet” is now in my vocab. Again, thx! Don’t be a stranger!

    Dame – Topsy-turvy is one of my fave phrases. No prob on the link love

    Luvtheshoes – Yup, at least he knows better. Shoot, I’d totally make a girl cry if she came in my crib wearing next to nothing.

  7. amymay
    March 25, 2009 at 12:52 pm — Reply

    awww…ovary twitch… ok, it’s gone… Eli is destined to be an only child.

    *dead* @ unless it’s a Sociology degree… @ who needs to know that I made a teenager cry? You know you’d have said girl’s transgressions all over the innanets!

  8. KindredSmile
    March 25, 2009 at 2:01 pm — Reply

    You forgot to mention that the future Lil Luvvie will have at least a couple dozen aunts and thrice as many nicknames.

    Good times ahead. (Far, far ahead ;-)).

  9. Lite Bread
    March 25, 2009 at 3:00 pm — Reply

    Awesomely Luvvie,
    If your jeans are more potent than mine, will the kids look like me AT ALL?

  10. The Pretty Brown Girl
    March 25, 2009 at 4:54 pm — Reply

    I ain’t see NOWHERES in this letter you promise to not buy that baby infant sized lace front half wig if she just so happens to be bald!

    *puts the CPS peoples on speed dial right now!*

  11. sabrina
    March 25, 2009 at 9:23 pm — Reply

    Or those damn heel booties! LOL

  12. the YOUNG LIONESS
    March 26, 2009 at 10:10 am — Reply

    This made my heart smile!!!

  13. NaturallyAlise
    March 26, 2009 at 12:00 pm — Reply

    Now you owe me some money, for my dental bill bc I know I just got a cavity for that sugar water purple blog you just wrote. so sweet. :) Oh, I won’t be babysitting, better send them to Pretty Brown Girl for the summer to play with my future spawns….

  14. Miss_Mielle
    March 26, 2009 at 1:49 pm — Reply

    This was really sweet. You should add that You WILL discipline your child in-utero whenever he/she feels froggy and decides to judoCHOP! you in your kidneys. My Sandz is pregnant and she definitely is already telling the baby to stop jumping around so much when they start acting a fool…and he/she stops! amazing.

    btw….LMAO at PBG re: the BabyBangs and Heels. I AM the CPS people….Luvvie I don’t know you personally but I will track you like FloJo if you try that mess.

    P.P.S. I feel inclined to tell you that my Word Verification is ‘forpheat.’ I WILL find a way to use this in a sentence today.

  15. Simply Sona
    March 26, 2009 at 7:25 pm — Reply

    So if ur baby is bald head will u buy her sime baby bangs headbands… lol!

  16. Black girl with long hair
    March 26, 2009 at 8:26 pm — Reply

    awww girl, you were so cute!!!!

  17. Luvvie
    March 26, 2009 at 10:35 pm — Reply

    Amy – Yesss glad to emit ovary twitches but you done huh? lol

    Kindred – That chile will be known as everything but his/her name. A mess indeed

    Lite Bread – Naw man, thats gon be ALL me. lol

    PBG – that goes without saying. I will NOT subject my spawn to that abomination

    Sabrina – We shant speak of such atrocities

    Lioness – :-D!

    Alise – You dumb for sugar water pruple blog. And yes, they will be sent to PBG’s for boot camp

    Mielle – Dont let PBG start no vicious rumors bout me putting that craziness on my child. No sah! And lol at the word verification

    Sona – I. will. not.

    Black girl – THANX!!

  18. Simply Sona
    March 27, 2009 at 8:48 am — Reply

    I’m just saying, one week you post about Baby Bangs the next week you post about a Baby. I thought you were submliminally preparing us for ya chile to be wearing them hot messes on hah head… Thanks be to Jeebus that you have decided against that, but if you wanna start a line of dem thangs for black folks we can go to the beauty supply sto and rack up on all the Yaki #42 and Wet and Wavy #2 and go into business together… we can even get kinky hair… we gon have babies wit locs, micros, feather overlays, we should do a throw back finger wave one too…

    Whatcha think…”

  19. Luvvie
    April 5, 2009 at 7:23 pm — Reply

    LOL don’t make me fight you, Sona!

  20. K to the...
    April 7, 2009 at 2:46 pm — Reply

    Oh Ife…you're gonna be a good mother.

    I will embarrass you by commenting under every pic with "You're SO gonna get it." <—-*Crashes to the floor* You are hilarious

  21. June 14, 2011 at 10:55 am — Reply

    Hold up. 50?! Like, five zero? Either you know too many people, or too many people are having kids. Where will we find the space?

    • June 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm — Reply

      It’s the latter. Too many are having kids.

  22. […] might have to buy this book for my Future Mini Luvvies. But watch them go to school talmbout: Teacher: Good morning, Mini Luvvie! You look well-rested […]

  23. […] after an especially tough bedtime… it is perfectly alright.I might have to buy this book for my Future Mini Luvvies. But watch them go to school talmbout:Teacher: Good morning, Mini Luvvie! You look well-rested […]

  24. bILLY
    December 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm — Reply

    I am still catching up on these old posts. I didn’t think that I was going to want to read this

  25. BILLY
    December 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm — Reply

    but this was really good.

  26. Sunny
    August 28, 2012 at 7:34 pm — Reply

    Kids made fun of your eyes in school? Girl, your eyes are beautiful x 10000000! Kids used to make fun of my hair when I was little. Took me years to realize Mommy was right when she said they were jealous. Your eyes are gorgimous!

  27. December 16, 2013 at 1:55 am — Reply

    […] this African matches my Louboutins.” *side-eye* I mean, yeah, African kids are mad cute (see: me at 3 months). Yes, some parts of Africa are struggling and you want to help. Yes, African kids increase your […]

  28. […] *Dear Mini Luvvie – I’ve noticed a 2nd baby boom around me lately. I have no desires to join in on this boom, but decided to write my future child a letter. I even included a baby pic of myself. […]

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