Dear Future Mini Luvvie
Everywhere I look now, people are having kids. It’s like the 2nd Baby Boom. I’ve counted no less than 50 of my peers with kiddies in the past year. I have so many baby showers lined up that it makes no sense. Whatever’s in the water, I’m not having it. Also, in the past couple of weeks, two of my favorite bloggers (Mr. Smart Guy and This May Concern You) have written letters to their future kids. This got me a-thinking and I wanted to write one too to my future mini Luvvie.
Dear Fruit of my Loins,
First, I wanna tell you that I love you with every ounce of my being, and your presence in my life is God’s greatest gift to me. You were created in His image, and are His child, but He’s chosen me to be your tour guide through this topsy turvy world. However, my tour doesn’t come with a manual and we may get lost a couple of times. I will make mistakes but be patient with me and I will do the same for you.
You will be cute. This is unavoidable. And since I have noticed that a kid’s cuteness is inversely related to how bad they are, this means you may be a bit of a handful. Your ears will recover after being twisted so many times, don’t worry. Oh and the Puss in Boots eyes you do when you want something still gets me sometimes doesn’t work on me.
My genes will possibly trump your father’s because they are mighty strong. His fought the good fight too but, ya know, I won. So your eyes will probably be slanted. When kids (and even some adults) tease you about this or ask you which one of your parents is Asian (and they will ask), don’t fret. Just smile and realize that they are paying you a compliment for having eyes that stand out. And add that your eyes are from your GORGEOUS mother (tee hee).
It’s best that you don’t lie to me because I WILL figure it out. I was a schemer back in my youth. Plus, I am on all the social networking sites that you are on too. You may not wanna lie to me about where you’re going with your friends because best believe that if I see a picture of you being somewhere that you didn’t say you’d be, I will embarrass you by commenting under every pic with “You’re SO gonna get it.” Let’s avoid that. Be truthful to me and I will give you enough lee way to have fun.
Know that I am at my wit’s end with you when you hear me sound like Grandma all of a sudden. I will go from being your chill, laid back mom to being an irate Yoruba Mother who calls you a “Foolish IJOT!” Despite the tongue lashing, I will calm down and we can then talk sensibly about what you’ve done. If you slam my door, you will find yourself without a room door the next day. You better huff and puff some other way.
Oh and I will guilt trip you with that whole “You spent 9 months in my womb” deal. I have the right. Deal with it.
Don’t worry about your college education. We have you covered… for 4.5 years that is. If you’ll be a super senior, your last semester may have to be financed by you. Me and your father will have to discuss whether you’re earned that other .5. If it’s an engineering degree, then I can understand. And just so you know, if your degree will be in Sociology, you BETTER complete it in 4, otherwise, that entire year 5 is YOURS to figure out. I’m just saying. Ain’t no reason for you to spend 5 years in Undergrad for that. Sorry, I’m lecturing you already.
You can come to me for anything, and I will do my best to help you (unless its Geometry or Trigonometry. Then I can’t do nothing for you but hire a tutor).
And Daddy’s Princess, don’t ask your father about anything going on waist down. It gives him the heebie jeebies. That’s what I’m here for. Also, if you want to date, I suggest you prep the lucky guy before coming over. He WILL get grilled by Dad (a la the movie “Bad Boys”). Mommy’s Boy, when you start wondering why your pants are getting tighter around cute girls, just ask Daddy, because I may just start crying that “my baby’s becoming a man.” Also, please don’t bring just any girl in my house in no daisy dukes and a cropped top. She will get roasted and who needs to know that I made a teenage girl cry?
Also, you had better not make me a Grandmother before my time! You know what? I don’t think I want you to date until at least high school is over. Yes, that works. HMPH! *ice grills Future Mini*
I will call you from another room to get the remote for me although its only 5 feet away. Don’t get mad when this happens. It’s one of your unwritten jobs (and one of the perks of being able to boss you around).
To me, you’re the smartest, funniest, most beautiful person on God’s green Earth. But remember to always stay humble. No matter how smart or funny you are, someone else is smarter and funnier. Arrogance is unnecessary and counterproductive. However, don’t feel that you have to become less of a person to make others feel better. Did this confuse you?
I will frustrate you a lot with overprotectiveness, but I can’t help it. It’s in the Mother’s Handbook. When you trip and fall, I will be there to hug you, kiss your boo boo and make you feel better. As you grow up, simply hugging you may not make things better, but trust that I will do what I can to make it so. Can’t nobody mess with MY BABY!
When its cold outside, I will slather you with Shea butter and vaseline, like my Mom did. You will leave the house looking like a human oil slick but ash has no place in my house. I will also get you pencils with extra grip so your greasy fingers can still hold on to them when you get to school. You will thank me for this.
Your smiles and hugs make my days! Give me more!
I’ve done all I can to instill in you the values that I hold close to me: faith, honesty, integrity, love of life and people, are some. If you can look at yourself in the mirror everyday and be happy with who you see, I will know I’ve done my part. I will push you to be the best person you can be, and my expectations for you are high. But that’s because it’s easy being mediocre in a subpar world. You, my dear, are exceptional.
Loving you unconditionally,