I was watching the new season of America’s Next Top Model last night with the Twitterfam and I was driven to write a sternly-worded letter.
You know I love you right? In all your draggish glory. You’s a tall glass of vitamin water (no Wanda Sykes). I’s writing you because this 56th season of ANTM has gotten off to a rough start, and I’m not sure it can get better. I am concerned, because my Wednesdays depend on your “models” and their ability to intrigue me. However, from what I’ve seen, them fools couldn’t entertain a turtle. I shall list my complaints somewhat chronologically.
I know I ain’t the thickest chick walking on this part of the Equator but I was shocked at how skinny a couple of the chicks were. I mean, some looked like they needed lard-filled IVs. Some looked like they needed to use telekinesis to walk because their bodies did not seem strong enough to support them. One chick even said her body was a temple. And Tyra, I had no other choice but to side-eye her because she knows her body was more like the shifty alleyways of a ghetto. I wanted to tell them “If your body was such a wonderland, then you wouldn’t look like a walking peppermint stick.” I digress.
I’s tah’d, Tyra. There were a couple of other things that made me say give major side-eyes. Including, but not limited to:
- Homegirl who looked like a Bratz Doll and had a blood fetish. Who in their right mind WISHES to have nosebleeds? iRebuke her
- Angelea and her horse hair phony pony. iRefuse
And Ma Banks. I’m concerned. You must be out of ideas. These photoshoots are getting outta pocket. Do you need me on your creative team? I bet I could come up with better shoots than childhood games at the playground. Is your budget getting cut in this recession too, Tyra? I mean, if playing in the dirt is what is now “haute couture” then dayum. That is just sadness. And I coulda sworn y’all didn’t even have that playground locked down for the shoot. Methinks I saw lil Timmy push Sasha off the swingset in the background. Times are rough.
But of all things that made me angry, Tyra. Of ALL things, was the African girl, Sandra. She is officially my archnemesis. My new goals in life are to 1. find the edges of her hair (because there is CLEARLY an Amber Alert out for them) and 2. to prove that all African girls aren’t the resident villain (see also: Nnena from season 43). I mean, really though. Why does the African chick on ANTM always have busted hair? Methinks you’re purposefully making my Fido Dido look-alike sisthren over the ones that are more put together. I call BULLSH*T. Shoot, I’m glad she’s not Nigerian though, otherwise I’d be sending her a certified letter requesting that she hands over her passport ASAP. Ain’t no countryman of mine putting on looking like an upside down paintbrush (the ePosse and I spent literally 1 hour roasting Sandra and her unfortunate hair. Our IG convo is over at House of IG. iQuit ALL of them for sucking me into their typhoon of foolishness).
In fact, Sandra is potentially pretty, and her hair situation wouldn’t have been so bad had it not come with that piss poor thang she calls an attitude. If her attitude was a person, it would be a homeless crackhead with bad credit. Maybe she’s just upset because her hairline ranaway with Stevie Wonder’s. Them follicles are somewhere wading in the water in the Underground Railroad. Word to Harriet. And the kicker is that even with all of this, you kept her on the show. I just don’t understand you sometimes.
On a good note, Tyra:
Your lace front wig was looking mighty proper. Your part was perfectly centered, and your forehead was not as tall as usual. Kudos. Also, I thank you for still having Nigel Barker on the panel. He makes me wanna sully the sabbath. And for Miss Jay. When he does his catwalk, he gives LIFE! Do you hear me? LIFE! That is one FIERCE kitty. Can you introduce me to Miss Jay? Me and him could SO hang. He would be the Jack to my Karen.
Also, I liked Tahlia (the girl who was a burn victim). She just oozed positivity and her outlook on life was mad inspirational. She’s the anti-Sandra. I want to send her a care package of stuff like fluffy cotton candy and caramel popcorn, while I want to send Sandra a bag of coal and rusty nails.
Iunno, Ms. Banks. Is it time to hang up them stilettos and let ANTM ride into the sunset in a bedazzled, embroidered and sequined House of Dereon horse saddle? If it is, I will still heart you no less. Plus, I will let the old seasons keep me company on vh1 marathon reruns (favorite being the Eva-YaYa season. Close 2nd, the Danielle season).
P.S. Oh, and is it true, Tyra? I heard you’s focusing on girls that are 5’7 and under for the next season of ANTM. My time has ARRIVED, Jeebus! *packs tacky clothes, plastic jewelry and leaning kitten heels*. I’s READY for my closeup!