Dear Ray J

[ 8 ] April 21, 2009 |

I have watched “For the Love of Ray J” since it started and a part of me is ashamed. But y’all know Reality TV is my visual crack! With that being said, if you haven’t watched the finale and want to wait to catch the rerun to find out who won, you may want to read this half way or not at all. I will be revealing who won in the course of this letter. I was live tweeting during the show last night, and it is my outline. My Twitter fam made it even MORE fun to watch. They cracked me UP! Anyway, here is my letter to Ray J.

Umm… Jeebs be a tailor for your ill-fitted suit, Ray J

Dear Ray J,

So somehow or the other, you fanagled your way into a VH1 reality TV show. Then again, the human beef jerky (Flava Flav) had 3 seasons worth, so clearly caliber isn’t a criteria. Your slut-tastic ways pay off ONCE again! I ain’t gon lie though. You had me hooked to your show since the first time I saw the commercial. I knew the foolery would be a-plenty and you did not disappoint. All them girls were magnificent messes. I gotta talk to you about your final 3 though, as I watched them yesterday.

This is the part where if you haven’t watched it, you may wanna click off until you finally do. It will come on more times than the Clapper during one of Ray J’s tapes so you are sure to catch it soon enough.

As I was saying. First, I’mo talk about Danger (and yes, she indeed “SMASHED THE HOMIES”). Danger is gorgeous, even with that Panther on her face. But the chick is crazier than a lil bit. Her temper tantrums, her past (which includes inflicting physical injury on an Ex), and her aura of DRAMA just startle me. How she even lasted this long is beyond me. Wait, wait, I know why. The power of the P-U- (you know the rest). You and Danger did the southside slippery slide EVERY night she was on the show, so you put up with her brand of crazy. She was Kathy Bates from “Misery” crazy. Danger is so unstable she’d make the scales of justice go wonky. When you finally let her go and she laughed and said “It’s not like me and Ray won’t be seeing each other”, I said “Well dang”. Guess that tangled web of insanity ain’t over. Ray, be careful. You may need to carry some holy water, garlic and a wooden cross for the next time you see her. Spritz the water on her and yell “The power of Christ compels you!” Oh Danger…

Then there was Unique & Cocktail. When you decided that you had to meet their parents, I was excited because it’s interesting to see the foundation behind the attention whores participants of reality TV shows. First was Unique’s family in Cleveland. She has a beautifully normal family, and I LOVED her Mama for grilling you like po’k. Ray, you were sweating like R. Kelly at the Mickey Mouse Club. Now THAT is a Mama. A true gangstress. Mess with her spawn and watch her claws come out.

Oh and Ray. Can you pass on this note to Unique for me? I know you’re a member of the IBTC (Hey sistagurl) but that doesn’t mean you should refuse to wear bras. I mean, DANG! Your headlights are perpetually THERE and methinks you should holler at some underwire. Kthnx.

Anyway, back to you. Iunno what made Unique come on this show. Her family is too much like right for her to be involved in such riff raffery. Oh, and Ray J? Don’t think I ain’t see that tacky white fur you were rocking. Looking like a human Milk Popsicle. Foolish.

On to your other girl, Cocktail. When y’all walked into the threshold of her parent’s crib and there were tequila shots waiting for you, I was thoo! Yes, THOO! I’m mad that Cocktail’s family are caricatures of Mexican people. How do you walk in, trip on the welcome mat and fall into some shots of Cuervo? All that was missing from the scene was a sombrero, a Mariachi Band singing ‘Aye ya ya ya…”, and a cameo from the cartoon rat, Speedy Gonzales. iCan’t. I’d be HEATED if I was Mexicano. I’m glad there was no watermelon at Unique’s crib. Shoot, I’da been pissed.

Cocktail’s family seemed nice enough though. And the food they were eating looked delicious. Ray, EFF WHAT YOU THOUGHT! Goat meat may not “float your boat” but it rocks MY socks! Especially in some delicious stew and some rice? Abeg, you don’t know whatcha missing!

Fast forward the show and you and Cocktail do the Backwards Boogie in the shower. I don’t think Mrs. Norwood (and her jheri curl) would approve. She’s somewhere scowling right now. I feel her disapproving eyes! This, of course, led me to knowing who you’d pick. It was a clear choice at this point.

When you did pick the human doormat. I can even see the “welcome” on her forehead Cocktail, she shrieked “He picked me and thats all I ever wanted”. I’mo need Cocktail to get some goals in life! Jeebs be some ambition and higher expectations. Her life is that old comedy sketch on MADTV “Lowered expectations”. She is TOO content with her status of subparity. Sheesh! She better enjoy the ride while it lasts. By the time they show the reunion special, you’da dropped her as fast as she dropped the drawers.

Yes you picked a “winner” but what was her prize? To continue to do the horizontal line dance with a walking embodiment of lacking talent and scandal? Call a spade a spade, Ray J. You’re not looking for love, just some booty and some money to pay your water bill. If that’s all you wanted then hey, admit it. We;re all grown ’round these parts.

Anyway, thanks for the entertainment. I heard there’s already a Season 2 in the works. I’m kinda mad at this but I have no doubt I’ll be watching. I can’t help it.

Your biggest side-eyer o_0,

Luvvie

P.S. Ray J, for public health’s sake, I hope you get tested weekly. Like for real.

Final Thoughts (Yes, Jerry)
———————————-
There is a lot of freaking that goes on VH1. Could one of their shows be sponsored by Trojan Condoms or something? They could make money, entertain, while being slightly socially responsible. Hell, could a participant even UTTER the word “condom”? They oughta have one of these reality show episodes have all the contestants going to get tested.

In this era of VeeDees running amock, people need to be more discerning about their partners. After watching that Den of Iniquity, it gave me more push to work even harder on The Red Pump Project.

April is National STD Awareness Month. Get tested!

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Comments (8)

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  1. VerbFashion says:

    LMAO! (But for real…)
    Your IG just never disappoints me Luvvie.

    Cocktail IS the absolute definition of sub-par but I guess Ray just chose what complimented his white swaggless fur & stunna shades…

    …Do NOT forget the fact that he had on the darkest sunglasses America has to offer on a damn plane ride to Cleveland. From what I recall, if the window seat is THAT sunny there is a shade you can pull down to block all of that out.

    Your Final Thoughts were real talk…I totally agree.

  2. amymay says:

    iDied many deaths reading this! Especially “grilled you like po’k” coz she sure did!!

    He’s a walking PSA for how to make sure you get infected with some mucky mong of the genitalia or another. He needs to have his own lab equipment to save on testing expenses!!

    To echo your final sentiments I’mo use my outside voice just one time to say EVERBODY GO GET TESTED!!

    Heart ya!

  3. JunePearl says:

    Aaaaaaah! I love you letters!!!! I just had to post real quick in case I forget to later on. Ok, I’m gonna read it now…

  4. jeanette nicole* says:

    I don’t even watch this show (no cable :/), but this recap along with various tweets had me DYING! You just had to bring Sonja Norwood’s jheri curlllll into this huh? LMAO!

  5. LibraSong says:

    This was hilarious enough to almost make me possibly consider thinking to contemplate watching this show. But my favorite parts about your blogs are your “Jeebs be a…” references. I laugh – outright and cacklish – every. single. time.

  6. Lite Bread says:

    Yer High Awesomeness,
    To plagiarize something someone else wrote once (wink, wink) I think you got a rhyme goin’ on here “Ray … Ray … J … J … Nasty-ist thing fer Yo … Va Ja-Ja … Va Ja-Ja”
    You fill in the rest, add a dope beat an’ THAT thing will be on BET Late Nite, like, Quick!

  7. Ash Bunnie! says:

    LOL @ This whole letter.
    I thought I was the only one who felt like Unique needed a damn bra. They are our friends. two, I’m mad that Unique went around flaunting her family’s values and all their morals and how they just are god-abiding people but yet right after family prayer over food, there is a bottle of Abso on the table. Thirdly, danger is a hot mess. very pretty but very ugly because of her craziness. can’t wait for the reunion special and season 2. i’m so addicted to unreality.
    btw, ashbunnie hearts your site!

  8. the YOUNG LIONESS says:

    dead @ getting tested weekly

    Brandy being his sister is the only reason he has ever gotten play…from the music industry and the ladies

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