Guest Blog

Nigerian Men & Online Dating: Seriously???

***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***

Next up is one of my other BFFs, O.N.E. I would say she’s a blogger over at House of IG but she’s only written one post, and even that was from me threatening her to get her life in order (*side-eye*). Yea yeah yeah. So what she’s in Law School AND Grad School tryna better herself and you know, make a difference. LOL! Naw but really, my homeskillet is graduating in 2 weeks from Law School and Grad School and my heart runneth over with pride. She gon have all types of initials behind her name. O.N.E., Esq., M.P.H. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Shoot, CLEARLY I ain’t reaching my highest potential. The only initials behind my name is Luvvie I.G. *shakes head* Anyway, O.N.E. is a Bougie IG. Folks don’t realize she’s ignant but oh I KNOW. So here’s her post. Partake and enjoy.


Nigerian Men & Online Dating: Seriously???

Last weekend, I visited my sister in a town that can rarely be located on a map, but somehow made it on the news TWICE this week. First, as the site for underage drunken celebrations of a high school basketball championship and second, as the town where a newly discovered terrorist spent his undergraduate years plotting against the good ol’ U S of A. Go Peoria!!! May your light continue to burn bright (eyes being rolled).

That, however, is not the point of this post (and YES, Luvvie made it perfectly clear that I have been delinquent in my IG duties. For that, I apologize).

While in said town, I had lunch with a lady who was extremely excited about a “friend” she met on an online dating site. I immediately had to choke down my laughter and smile in such a way that would encourage her to continue an already embarrassing story. I was expecting her to say she met him on one of the typical sites (eHarmony, Match.com, etc.), but instead she said, “I met him on meetnigerians.net.”

Wait.

Wait.

WHAT?!

Stop the effin’ presses! I had no idea such a site existed! Dear friends, I cannot tell you the how this made me feel. Elated, but dismayed. Amused, but bemused. Tickled, but terrified at the thought of Nigerian men seeking love online. Why you may ask? Allow me to explain.

Nigerian men and romance are two terms that cannot and do NOT belong together. For these brothas, corny expressions of love coupled with an intense, but ridiculous stare are the well-known, but misguided ways to a woman’s heart. Allow me to provide you with an example of each:

Scene: Downtown Chicago. You’re in a club, sitting with your girlfriends, annoyed at the lack of male eyecandy, scantily-clad pregnant woman (there’s one in every club), and scrubs hoping that they can accidentally catch you looking their way.


A stranger approaches (in a heavy Nigerian accent):
What is up? (not Wassup) My name is Emeka and emmm…I was checking you out from across de way.

You (thinking to yourself): Hmm…not bad looking, kinda feeling the accent…let’s see where this goes.

Emeka: Please eh, I want a good wo-man, a fine wo-man. A GOD-fearing wo-man! Is dat you? I hope so.

You: Ummm…o–k. (looking around for someone to save you, but your girls are not paying attention)

Emeka: Bay-bee (Baby), you are fine. So fine eh, I want to marry you. NOW!

You (eyes wide in shock, thinking): OH HELL NO! NOT AGAIN! WHY GOD? WHY????? (you back away in alarm and he steps even closer, turning on the stare of death)

Emeka: I have to have you. (the stare down begins)

You (thinking): What the hell is up with dude’s eyes? Does he even blink?

Emeka: Why won’t you let me love you?

You: What? I just met you dude!! (the hairs on the back of your neck are rising from his unwavering gaze. You look over to your girls, your eyes saying, “DAMMIT, COME SAVE ME!”)

Emeka: It doesn’t matta. We were meant to be. I feel it. Don’t you?

You (thinking): O.M.G. This is NOT happening! I hope no one I know is here…

Emeka: Let me just say eh, you are the apple of my eye, the sugar in my tea, the mosquito in my sleeping net, the petrol (Gas) in my tank.

You (fed up with this African Rico Suave): Riiight. I have to go. My girls are waiting for me.

Emeka: No!!! Don’t mind them. You cannot leave! The night is still young. (He takes your hand) Come and let us jam togedda. (Perverted smile and stare. Stare. Stare……)

**Sigh**

A woman’s struggle never ends. What is a girl to do in such a situation? “Just say No” hasn’t worked for drugs, why should it keep off a Nigerian man? His addiction to you forms faster and lasts longer than any crack habit, TRUST ME! First, it’s the clubs, church, Best Buy (I was accosted by a surly and aggressive cab driver who propositioned me and then FOLLOWED ME to my car, insisting that he be the one I call on those, “lonely nights”). Now the madness has transferred to the World Wide Web. When will it end? When???

All I know is I’m scared and you should be too.

The O.N.E.

9 Comments

  1. Naturally Sarcastic
    April 30, 2009 at 12:44 pm — Reply

    LMAO @ this entire post! I would ROTF but I don’t want to get carpet in my hair.

    This post also reminded me of the summer I spent in Silver Spring for an internship. My friend/roommate, nigerian young lady I went to school with, was dead set on finding a nigerian dude….

    WORST SUMMMER OF BOTH OUR LIVES!!!!

  2. derevolushun
    April 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm — Reply

    This is hilarious.

    My big line that scarred me for life happened on the 2nd approach at the bus stop some weeks apart.

    “if it is sex you are worried about do not worry. I will not give it to you until you ask for it”

    Yeah… Needless to say it didn’t quite work out.

    lol

  3. South Loop Social Light
    May 1, 2009 at 1:56 pm — Reply

    I don’t know what’s funnier – this post or the fact that my brother’s name is Emekka! lol..

  4. suga
    May 3, 2009 at 1:20 am — Reply

    OMG, this is so hilarious and true. lol

  5. Nikki Wadley
    May 4, 2009 at 4:20 pm — Reply

    LMAO!!! This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read..LOL

  6. Ty
    September 23, 2011 at 2:34 pm — Reply

    This has got tears streaming down my cheeks. I just can’t…

    • kingsley wogbo
      March 31, 2013 at 7:18 am — Reply

      happy easter hw i wish i can see u face 2 face 2 prove my luv.

  7. HowlingBanshee
    November 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm — Reply

    Wow. I was once pursued by a Nigerian man named Debo. I found him very attractive until he started being creepy as hell.

  8. QuitaP
    April 11, 2013 at 3:39 pm — Reply

    This post makes me feel so much better about every Nigerian guy I’ve ever attempted to date. A Nigerian co-worker included me on an email with a fellow Nigerian friend of hers. This Nigerian friend decided to email me a picture of himself along with his diploma from some school there. Several years later, my co-worker no longer works with me but this guy still randomly emails me.

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