Prayer for Brandy

[ 6 ] April 28, 2009 |
**GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***

Hey folks. Today’s author is the Pretty Brown Girl in all her ignant glory. She is a member of my ePosse, and always comes with that HOT FIYAH (like Dylan). She got a blog called Hey, You Asked where she answers letters that people send her with her usual sagacity. You should send her one. She’s all Owl-like (wise) and sh*t. Antywho, I sent her this pic of Brandy, and she had roast tourette’s. I laughed so hard when I read is that I think I pulled a neck muscle. – Luvvie

Prayer for Brandy

Chile, bye! I clicked on this pic for a closer look and my entire life flashed before my eyes! 35 years of joy and pain sprawled across that canvas of a forehead! It’s like a big screen TV, w/no cable! Brandy, girl…no. Why are you out in these mean streets like this?


Your hair is looking like my tragically coiff’d Black Barbies of the early to mid 1980s! With all this advanced weave technology out here, this is the best you could do? Oh no! I rebuke it in the name of quality lacefronts and high-class aetheticians the world over! Nobody has put Glover’s Mane in the hair and straightened it w/the same iron they press their blouses with since Madame CJ Walker came to the rescue back in the early days of the 20th century. Do you think that strong black woman lived, worked and died for you to be running around looking like you hair could melt on a hot day? Know your history and do better, girl! I implore you, for the children! And a quick FYI: A part down the middle of your head is NEVER flattering on a pieface. Why do you think Rev. Jesse Jackson never does it??

Your naked face makes me wanna cover my eyes! How can this be? You wore more make-up when you were 15yrs old playing the sassy daughter on “Thea”! Just because you had a baby, your album flopped and your brother is dragging the Norwood name through the mud with his reality show foolishness and whore carols doesn’t mean you abandon your cosmetic routine. I see you got those eyebrows handled, but those false lashes look like they’re trying to crawl off your lid and back out into the wilderness from which they came! Let them go before the PETA people come gunnin’ for you! Save face, Bran-Bran… both literally and figuratively. You are your parents’ last chance at dignity.

While your teeth look straight, that pronounced overbite is killing me softly. Your words must get stuck behind it several times a day. Take some of that residual Moesha money and drive take a cab down to your nearest orthodontist and get hooked up w/ that good Invisalign jawn. It may revive your floundering career, ya never know.

In all these things, I wish you love, light, clarity and a new agent/stylist/dental team/producer/make-up artist/adoptive brother.

Amen.

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Category: Guest Blog, Letter

Comments (6)

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  1. JunePearl says:

    Wait…did you just say “whore carols”?…..

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Ommigudness, that was the funniest thing I have heard in forever, LOL!!! I did a double take reading that. I need to check out your blog on the regular just for that.

  2. Alicia says:

    OMYFRIGGINGOSH!!! Now that right there was funny!

  3. sabrina says:

    “Whore carols”…..died, resurrected, and died again…

    riddle me this, PBG, why oh why do all of lil Willie’s songs have the word Sexy in the title and pole as a lyric?

  4. amymay says:

    Those lashes ain’t even on straight! dang.

  5. Monk says:

    Damn. And I like Brandy.

  6. Nikki Wadley says:

    I left Brandy alone when she started endorsing weave hair that is not even sold behind the counter with all the other ‘good’ hair….smh

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