Al B. UnSure

[ 16 ] May 3, 2009 |

Thursday, April 30th was the national initiative, Dining Out for Life, which has restaurants around the country donating a percent of their proceeds to AIDSCare. Karyn & I decided to do a Red Pump Project Dinner in honor of the day, and we had 10 people come to eat with us. We had a BLAST and all that. Well afterwards, I let peer pressure get the best of me. I decided to go to the Al B. Sure Album Release Party. Yes, please read that again.

Al B. Sure is releasing a record??? Who told him he was still relevant? What is he gonna be singing about, the Gout and diabeetus? Is he crooning about his love of aspirin? Let me know, because I’m not Sure.

So along with DeeDee of The Sassy Peach and Ishea, the South Loop Social Light, I hopped into the DeLorean and landed in the 1990s, when music was still decent and Chico and El DeBarge could get into the VIP section at the club (Sidenote: Chico DeBarge is one of my followers on Twitter. Jeebs be the space-time continuum I’ve clearly went through). From the moment I stepped foot into Griffin Lounge, foolery abounded. We walked next to the DJ and who is on the Mic as MC? George Daniels (aka uncle George).

Yes, one-half of Regina and George Daniels that R. Kelly dedicates his stepping music to (you know, right before that whole business of R-Rah sleeping with their daughter). Uncle George was like the club hypeman and was pumping folks up. I looked at the girls and we all fell into hysterics at the hilarity. He is so old that he rolled up on Judas after betraying Jesus and beat him down. Shouldn’t be somewhere laying down? Anywhere! Ain’t NO reason for Uncle George to be in the same club his grandkids probably frequent. iCan’t with him. Regina, come get your man. He was juking more than anyone else in there. I was just doing a slight 2-step because it was Thursday at 1am. A negra was tah’d. But Uncle George held down that dance floor. I don’t know how he has that much energy. He came up to me once and I looked at DeeDee and Ishea like “Help!” and he laughed at me.

Anyway, then all of a sudden, we see a tight crowd around someone with cameras going off. Twas Al B. Sure! We HAD to take a picture with him otherwise folks won’t believe us. I was trying my best not to burst into laughter, so in the pic, I’m cheesing like a fool.

Yes I blurred us out this picture. The ONLY star here is that unibrow Al B. Sure

But umm… Al’s unibrow was killing me not-so-softly. He could have handled that. I’m just saying. The Bert is NOT what’s hot in the streets or steaming on the Boulevard in ’09 (or ’99 for that matter). His PR team couldn’t go to Devon and get one of those expert threaders to go to work on that? Sheesh! That wasn’t the part that had me gone though.

What pretty much killt me dead was when Al B. Sure got on the mic to thank people for supporting him, and then he went “And I’d like to ask y’all to pray for my family. There are always evil forces around your kids. But I don’t air out my business publicly… But please pray for my family”

Me: *wide eyes* No, he didn’t! *looks at DeeDee & Ishea*
All of us: He’s talking about Diddy!

iCan’t with Al B. Sure. Was this REALLY the appropriate venue to talk about your son’s allegations that you’re a dead beat father, and that diddy is who he considers his actual Dad? And don’t be mad now, Al. You weren’t saying nothing when Diddy was throwing Sure Jr. a Sweet Sixteen on MTV. *side-eye to your ENTIRE person, Al*. You need a plethora of more people, including a team of threaders, a personal trainer (Al was looking extra fluffy), and a team of PR gurus to make you relevant again.

After this “speech”, folks didn’t know whether to clap, say “aawww” or jeer. So silence ensued. Twas just…awkward. I left after about an hour, because I just couldn’t hang for much longer. Shoot, I had to work the next morning.

I stepped out that club, and I was glad to be back in 2009. All of a sudden, my vision went from grayscale to full color. For a second there, I thought I had dreamed it all happened, but then the picture proves that yes indeed I had an encounter with Al B. Sure in his unibrowed, fluffy glory.

I was telling one of my friends about my night and the fool said “Al B. Sure is still alive? I thought he died and was reincarnated as Bobby Valentino.” I pretty much DIED and went to a better place when she said this. iQuit her SO hard.

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Comments (16)

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  1. RiPPa says:

    Really? Thats what he said at that function? Uh, I think Al should have at least waited for the album to go double nickel before making that statement. I mean, that way he can defend or blame its poor performance not on the uni-brow, but Diddy instead.

    BTW:You are hilarious and I love the way you present your thoughts on this blog.

  2. rainebeaux says:

    Bwaaaahahaha! Dang it, Luvvie! This? Is classic foolery in HD on a solid state TV! Didja hear his cousin in your head when you left: *am I dreamiin/just let me sleep/don't wake me up til my dream is complete…*

    Maude hammercy! That speech…a simple "thanks for your support and keep me in your prayers" would've sufficed. There was NO place for that from one whose unibrow outlasted his career! I'm with you, RIPPa: he could've waited until the album was actually out.

    But I was just plain THOO when I read: "Al B. Sure is still alive? I thought he died and was reincarnated as Bobby Valentino."
    Can iQuit her too, cause that tells me R&B is dead!

  3. aliyasking.com says:

    Al’s son is being raised by Diddy. That has got to be a super hurt piece. I think I gotta get an interview with this dude…

  4. Jay1 says:

    who is that on the right with the stripped shirt? she’s cute. i can tell even through the blur.

  5. NaturallyAlise says:

    Luvvie, when you called me at 2am i knew that some major foolishness had abounded… you never disappoint!!!

  6. ChichiGirl says:

    Bobby Valentino! I just laughed so hard my boss came into my office and asked if I was okay!

    You are too much!

  7. Lite Bread says:

    Yer Most High Awesomeness,
    The best things in that picture you fuzzed out! Unibrow don’t count.

    “But don’t turn around.Cuz that pretty round thing looks good to me”
    Awwww, that’s been my life … (sigh)

  8. K to the... says:

    “You need a plethora of more people, including a team of threaders, a personal trainer (Al was looking extra fluffy), and a team of PR gurus to make you relevant again”

    iDied!

  9. Chanel says:

    STOP IT. Jus stop, right now. Between the Frida Kahlo brows and Bobby V, im too through.

  10. Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual says:

    iDahd.

    Please send all condolences, flowers and gifts of rice to Mr. BBMo c/o Mrs. BBMo Senior.

    L, you cannot kill me like this so often. Don’t you know St. Pete giving me the wicked side eye when I ask for my “Return to Earth-False Alarm” pass more than once a month?? He about to just usher me on in….

  11. LibraSong says:

    This blog t’was the best readin’ I had ALL week…and yes, its only Monday, but tis irrelevant! When you called that man ‘fluffy,’ iAnnaNicole’d. I will heart you always and forever.

  12. TheBeez says:

    Honestly, I was done after you called the unibrow “The Bert.” Now images of saddle shoes, the worst roommate ever, and doing the *coo coo* pigeon come to mind. Thanks, Luvvie :)

  13. Nikki Wadley says:

    Damn! Al B. Sure was in town and I missed it! LOL

  14. Shay says:

    LOL was there really an album? Im still hung up on that shyt……I mean really you really finna put an album out as if you havent lost enough respect from ya son….this might not be the best revenge..im just sayin

  15. Hostess says:

    Damn. Al B. Sure! If you get an opportunity to get at Christopher Williams you will be well on your way to having a solid foundation for the Beige Boy Be Back In Style movement. Though I must admit, Chris and Al could be considered the quintessential full set o’beige.

  16. sabrina says:

    Bwaahaahaahaahaa….

    and that’s all I have to say about that…

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