My Life

Black Card Reneged Part II

In case you’ve missed it, make sure you read Part I before this one so you can catch up.

So where did I leave off? Ah yes, so as we were leaving the club and going down the stairs, we see that we can’t move any farther than halfway down because there is a large group of men at the bottom of the stairs. We’re all wondering what is going on when all of a sudden, someone yells and ALL the men start shoving each other.

Before we know it, they are all chasing each other. See map below to see my artistic rendering of the fight. Google Earth has nothing on me!

We follow at a safe distance behind because we heard our friend, the promoter is in the fight. And his brother was with us (also a friend of ours). We follow and the fight goes into the street and into the middle of the parking lot. We watched from about 20 feet away but had a clear view of what was going on.

First of all, the chase and the fight looked like Capoeira (the Brazilian dance style inspired by martial arts). Only difference was that this fight lacked athleticism, rhythm and grace (mkay so maybe they were different afterall). I truly doubt any punches were thrown or landed though. It looked like a choreographed fight, with the perfect amount of machismo, shoving and curse words. Folks were being held back left and right. It was hard to even know who was in the fight and who was trying to prevent it. Straight out the West Side Story. Who were the Sharks? Who were the Jets? All that was going on was angry shoving.

Then was the ridiculous beanpole of a chick who came outta nowhere being hysterical, crying and yelling the name of the promoter.

“Where is ********???? Nobody betta touch my brother!!!! Y’all mess with him, you mess with me!”

Her friends are holding her back.

We all turn around and look at her like “Who the hell is that????” Looking like Olive Oyl’s tanned cousin. I wanted to tell her a couple of things, including:

1. Why the hell are you hollering like a banshee?
b. ****** ain’t checking for you. TRUST he ain’t.
3a. He is not your brother. We are standing by his brother and I’m sure he will not claim you or your tacky gray 45% viscose, 35% polyurethane, 15% rayon, 5% spandex dress. Looking like a mop in a dress the color of dirty hotdog water.
iv. Go sat down.

I tell you about irrelevant *ss people. Hollering like a banshee when this had not n’an thing to do with her. I was just mad she was distracting me from the fight. So we tuned her dumbass out and returned to the West Side Story live fight. I was half expecting someone to start singing “Marrriiiiaaaa… I just found a girl named MARRIIIIAAA”.

As we continued to watch the dance off fight, one guy stood on top of the car that was closest to the fight and watched it intently for about 5 minutes. Then all of a sudden, he turned his back, jumped in the air and landed in the crowd. WHAT??? Who crowd surfs INTO a fight???

iDied laughing. That was some theatrical ish. I couldn’t have written it better. I wanted to do the slow clap. They caught him, and of course it made the fight rowdier. And by rowdier, I mean more threats were thrown and more shoving. *side-eye* At this point, we’re just like “This is the best/worst fight we’ve ever seen.” All the drama without much else.

Then suddenly, some fat, short dude comes outta nowhere, and unbuttons his shirt in a huff and a puff, and throws it on the car we were standing by. He starts yelling angrily and pacing in a circle, yelling “Who wanna box??? WHO WANNA BOX?”. At one point, he said it in our direction and we start laughing. First of all, Stretch-marked Sam. I’mo need you to make whatever threats you have TO the people fighting. Not while running around like a fool like 20 feet away from the fight to a group of women. And 2nd, WHO ARE YOU and how did you get here? That belligerent dummy’s life was sooo moot that it made no sense.

I look closer in the melee and see that I recognize a lot of the faces in the scuffle. As I shake my head and think “All of y’all are too grown for this” and “Can someone get beat up already so this dance routine can end?”, I see lights EVERYWHERE. The Po-Pos had showed up. Someone yells “Police is here!” but either no one heard or no one cared because the shoving continued.

Oh btw, at this point, our promoter friend was no longer in the melee, but I did see my friend and fellow fashionista Kris in there, holding folks back. As we stand watching, I see a cop (White, if you care to know) run up with a red can.

Me: “Oh sh*t! MACE! It’s time to go!!!

We haul ass and head to the car, but stopped halfway to watch a little. What can I say? We’re nosy. Police ran up in the rumbling mob and maced folks in the face POINT BLANK! Some dude got maced straight in the eyes and fell to the floor writhing and yelling. DAMMMMNNN homie!!! They proceeded to whoop some other dude’s *ss thoroughly. *sigh* Give Champaign Police ANY excuse to go ballistic on Black folks and they take full advantage.

At this point, I was done watching at this point and proceeded to walk to the car. As I was walking towards the car, I pass by Le’OliveOylia the Banshee and she is STILL being held back by someone and hollering talmbout “Where is *********?? OMG!! Where is *********???”

Me: “******** is fine. He left already”
Le’Olive: “Shut up, b*tch! Why are you talking to me?”

Me:
*Not raising voice but real calm like I was saying “Hey gurl!”* “Heffa shut the hell up. He ain’t looking for you so why are you so concerned? Silly heffa. I’m just letting YOU know.”
Le’Olive:
*starts jumping but makes no real movement. still being held back. screeching* “B*tch I will fight you! That is my brother!”
Me:
*Not moving. Blinks slowly. side-eye* “Gurl please. He don’t know you.” *to the girls* Y’all ready?
Le’Olive: *being dragged away literally kicking and screaming* “Let’s fight!!!”

Did that heffa think I was gon’ fight her? iDon’t wrestle. I beat bitches up © Coral from Real World. No, but really. I don’t fight. Why should I? And ruin this face? The Good Lord ain’t bless me with this beautimous VISAGE just so I could scrap it up. Messing up HIS good work. For what? Some silly heffa? The devil is a LAH and the troof ain’t in him.

Psht. Besides, one lethal side-eye from me and she woulda turned to stone. One utterance from me and I woulda hurt her AND her children’s feelings and hope for a good future. FOOLISH IJOT! That Classless Wonder of a Nonentity © My Mama. Satcho simple *ss down you silly heffa! This is why parents need to hug their children more often.

The girls walk over and we get in the car and wait since the cops are all over the parking lot. I look back and see that someone is being arrested and led to a squad car.

Was it the crowd surfer? Was it *********, the promoter? Was it Stretch-marked Sam?

Nooope. Twas Kris, the guy who was tryna stop the fight.

How did the guy who was tryna mediate end up being the one arrested?

Eff it all.

Final thoughts
——————-

Negros ain’t fight this hard to get that elusive 40 acres and that stubborn mule. Mothafunkas (I don’t even like using that word but for you to act so foolish, you have to say “Eff what my Mama taught me. I’m going to act like I wasn’t raised well.”) weren’t this passionate about Brown vs. Board of Education. But we’re fighting to the death at a CLUB. This is not the Source Awards. We clearly have our priorities screwed. We need to sat down as a people and think about our lives collectively. It is clearly in shambles. Don’t make no doggone sense! Rosa ain’t sat down on that bus for y’all mofos to be fighting all willy nilly. People ain’t get hosed to get the right to attend Universities with White folks just so y’all’s *sses can act a plum fool when you get there. History came to die at Champaign, IL this weekend and it was straight buffoonery.

I LOVE my Black folk. We’re the backbone of civilization yada yada yada. But we don’t know how to act sometimes. All these Champaignites b*tch & moan about cops parading our parties waiting for the inevitable. But when the expectation is reality 95% of the time, we have no leg to stand on yelling “Racism!” Yeah them cops may go hard on Black folks and could be members of the KKK but if their behavior in surveying our parties were unfounded and we partied in peace, THEN we can say something. But for now, the next time y’all degenerates see 10 cop cars parked outside a Black party in college, just say “Thanks for coming. So I’ll see you around 1:45?”

FOOLISHNESS!

I’m done with my Alma Mater for a while. Well I have no good reason to go now anyway because most of the people I know are gone. Will only go for the graduations and will not be partaking in any after hour festivities.

P.S. Thanks for reading my tomes. An Angel just grew a pair of wings.

Edit: The American Council of Negroes wrote me back and said they can’t process my application due to being overwhelmed by demand. They cited You Know You Dead Azz Wrong as the reason folks were quitting Black folk left and right. *sigh* So I’m forced to still claim colored folk. Hmph. *crosses arms*

26 Comments

  1. rainebeaux
    May 19, 2009 at 9:34 am — Reply

    Luvvie, this was a narrative for the ages; shoo, I’m still chuckling!

    But then:

    The American Council of Negroes wrote me back and said they can’t process my application due to being overwhelmed by demand. They cited You Know You Dead Azz Wrong as the reason folks were quitting Black folk left and right. *sigh* So I’m forced to still claim colored folk. Hmph. *crosses arms*

    ^Yeah…iCan’t with our people, either. Especially not the jive tofurkey who crowd surfed the fight! Tell us why you mad, son! CTFUUUU!

  2. Monk
    May 19, 2009 at 10:20 am — Reply

    Much props Luvvie for quoting arguable my favorite reality show star of all-time, Coral. That quote is timeless.

  3. VerbFashion
    May 19, 2009 at 10:25 am — Reply

    wow. lol @ “This ain’t the Source Awards.”

    Great narrative. Sad little Clark Bar experience.

  4. LibraSong
    May 19, 2009 at 10:47 am — Reply

    …anytime someone can work in that coral quote, my life finds its purpose. i <3 u.

  5. Tunde
    May 19, 2009 at 11:57 am — Reply

    man. that story was so elaborate and so funny. your map was hilarious too. i think the crowd surfing dude was the funniest though.

    i do agree with you. fighting is lame. i haven’t been in a fight since i was 17. thats when i realized i could actually go to jail if someone presses charges. before then i was young and dumb and would fight over anything. now i’m only fighting in self defense or to defend my family or select friends (lets face it. some friends deserve to get their ass whooped).

  6. eby
    May 19, 2009 at 12:47 pm — Reply

    LOl at this entire post. I would like to quit Black folks too. I just can’t do them anymore. The funniest part was the guy who jumped into the fight from on top of the car. Who does that?

    And although it doesn’t matter, I bet the fight probably started over some foolery like someone stepped on someone else’s shoes.

  7. Luvologist
    May 19, 2009 at 2:07 pm — Reply

    The map was priceless.

    Real World Las Vegas was the ONLY Real World I watched. I’m not gonna lie…I had a crush on Coral.

    My Black card was sent back to me FedEx. The letter inside said ‘We need to keep as many members as possible. Your request has been denied!’

    *sigh*

    Life goes on.

  8. K to the...
    May 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm — Reply

    D.O. muthaluving A. I’m dying laughing at the crowd surfing and stretch mark Sam…ok, let me go back and finish….

  9. K to the...
    May 19, 2009 at 2:27 pm — Reply

    Le’Olive said “Let’s Fight!!!” LMAO! Hell to the naw, Bobby!!! Wow, you had an interesting weekend…but I’m glad you’re still alive. THat sucks about your friend Kris…hope he’s alright!

  10. suga
    May 19, 2009 at 3:03 pm — Reply

    wow@ stretchmark sam lol I have actually seen someone surf into a fight before. back in high school, oakland football was in the middle of playoffs. the current game would produce who would go to the high school championship. the underdog was the ghettoist school in oakland and by half time they were down 30 pts so they (the team AND the coaches) started fighting the other team on the field. the fight had to last 10 minutes since there was no one to stop it..hell the coaches were fighting too lol it was shown on the news and one scene showed a player climb on top anothers shoulders and them jump on top of the melee and surfed on top til someone knocked him off. hella funny. I think I got that on tape. but this was HIGH SCHOOL.
    LMAO @ college students and their capoeiro-esque fight

  11. Anonymous
    May 19, 2009 at 6:22 pm — Reply

    I think that was ridiculous but club brawls arent synonymous with black people, but with young, drunk people period. This was a ghetto version and it doesnt justify its, foolish at any instance but still.
    I think that people fight for stupid reasons but I do think there are certain times when it is necessary to fight and i havent heard any of them here. However Kris learned a lesson I learned in high school, if your peeps aint involved dont get involved. The person attempting to stop the fight always ends up shot, beat up, arrested etc. Call the police and move.. oh and you should have just ignored ol girl.. she had already proven she was ignorant as hell…

  12. JunePearl
    May 19, 2009 at 6:51 pm — Reply

    My favorite part is the crowd surfer, I would have loved to be there just for that. Wowness! But ole girl was hilarious with trying to claim the dude she’s feeling…as her brother(!!), really though?

    I’m trying to understand how this all works out in her mind. So:

    -She claims Loverboy is her brother, then starts fighting.
    -She and Loverboy “win” said fight.
    -Loverboy looks over at her in her HotDog Water dress.
    -Loverboy goes up to HotDog Water girl and ask for her number.
    -Loverboy and HotDog Water girl fall madly in love and get busy.

    I’m just trying to figure out how HotDog Water girl reasoned this all out. Like, really though?

  13. Robin Monique
    May 19, 2009 at 7:07 pm — Reply

    OMG! I’m over DYING! Crowd surfing into a fight? Bwahahahaha!! That Olive Oyil chick giving skinny girls a bad name. Tsk tsk. iDon’t wrestle, I beat bitches up! Bwahahaha!

  14. amymay
    May 19, 2009 at 11:57 pm — Reply

    iDied @Stretch-marked Sam coz I got this mental picture of a dude my friend used to date… used to like to huff n puff like the big bad wolf far away from the action. RollyPoley lil turd… lol. Glad you’re done foolin’ with the undergrad crowd tho!

  15. TheBeez
    May 20, 2009 at 1:23 am — Reply

    I dunno how you witness some of these prime shenanigans in Chambana, Luvvie… then again, I just couldn’t go through with it all and took my arse to church, so that’s why I missed it.

    Crowd surfing guy reminds me of the clip in Mean Girls with the trust exercise. Sidenote: Am I the only one who pictured the “Beat It” video (pocketknife + tied wrists + threatening choreography)?

    Glad you made it out alive, and not in one of the ambulances I hear going down University at any given night :)

  16. Emeritus
    May 20, 2009 at 5:06 am — Reply

    this was soooo extra! Loved every word.

  17. Tanisha
    May 20, 2009 at 11:53 am — Reply

    LuvvieIG, that was some total, complete, 100% BS! That was a crazy story! I would have loved to witness that ignant nonsense because I know Le’olive would have wanted to fight me too. I LOVE my people man. I really do.

  18. Lite Bread
    May 20, 2009 at 4:54 pm — Reply

    Luvvie,
    Oh, so, Good!
    Loved the “Who wanna Box” dude! That whole “Hol me back. I’m gonin OFF!” an they ain’t movin one bit closer, lol!
    But Luvvie, don’t feel so bad. Don’t send in your card. You only feel that way ‘cause you ain’t experienced the drunkin’ Trailer Park “fight”! Replete with crunkup Granny fallin’ off the porch, the Neck-Car/#88 shirt-wearin dude with the Dicky-Doo trying to belly-bounce someone out da way (note: Dicky-Doo is … when yer God-Daaaum belly stick out farther than your Dicky do). It all looks like Arrested Development on too much Old English 800.
    See, I can hang my head in shame too. That why white folk too ashamed to claim a “White Collective”. ‘Cause then someone gotta claim them Idjiots with the swastika tattoos, Hitler posters and no brains; and I DEFINITELY ain’t doin’ that.

    Beside, Luvvie, you turn in yer card, you gotta start Dating ME! Uh, well, whiteboys at least, lol.

  19. miss miranda
    May 21, 2009 at 9:45 am — Reply

    I cannot stop laughing and the Coral quote was perfection!

  20. True2me
    May 21, 2009 at 1:23 pm — Reply

    HILARIOUS

  21. Cheekie
    May 21, 2009 at 4:53 pm — Reply

    K, been lurking at the blog for a hot min and been seent you around them VSB parts, but this executed me. Especially the crowd suffer. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to breathe had I witnessed that mess. Anyhow, love your blog, you always crack me up.

  22. Mimi
    May 22, 2009 at 12:05 pm — Reply

    “As we continued to watch the dance off fight, one guy stood on top of the car that was closest to the fight and watched it intently for about 5 minutes. Then all of a sudden, he turned his back, jumped in the air and landed in the crowd. WHAT??? Who crowd surfs INTO a fight???”

    This literally killed me! What has become of our people?! LMBO!

    I’m a lurker, 1st time commenting. I shall certainly be back.

  23. DevyneMyzT
    July 21, 2009 at 3:43 pm — Reply

    O…M…G!!!
    You need to write a book. No. Seriously…
    You also need a disclaimer on your blog "not to be read at work"…the co-workers thought I was crying in here!! I was tho! Tears of LAUGHTER fallin like rain. I heart u!!

  24. November 30, 2010 at 10:30 pm — Reply

    WOW O___O

  25. [...] *Black Card Reneged 2 – Part II of this tale of foolishness. Complete with an MS Paint-drawn diagram of a fight I witnessed. [...]

  26. saro
    August 9, 2012 at 10:49 am — Reply

    I haven’t laughed this hard in ages and ages. Please write a book. I would buy the hell out of it.

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