Dear Bitter Broads

What happened? Where you just not hugged enough as a child? Were you weaned off breastmilk too soon? On Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs, there isn’t a category for “Hugs” and I think there oughta be, somewhere between esteem and self-actualization. This need shows as people grow up to be maladjusted adults.

Why do you walk around life with a perpetual storm cloud over your head, as if life were an allergy commercial BEFORE medication (all blurry and sepia-toned)? And know that I’m not talking about those that are clinically depressed. I’m talking about you, the fool who willingly broods for no reason. In fact, when you have no reason to be mad, you go find one. Oh poor you! You can only vacay in Miami this spring break? Let me *wall slide* in your honor cuz surely you musn’t be loved since France is where you wanted to be *side eye o_0*.

In fact, I don’t care if you’re dragging your feet around town like the Mammy from Tom N Jerry (remember her and her slacked socks? Turrble!). Must you share your bad cheer with everyone ALL the time? Your misery seems to love company and you are forever having a gloom and doom party.

Me: “YAYY!! I found $4 in my jean pocket!”

Bitter Broad: “You probably gon forget you found it anyway and lose it. What’s the use?”

DAYUM! Who pissed in YOUR breakfast cereal (as opposed to, you know, throughout the day cereal)? Folks can’t even tell you good news without you R. Kellying it up (golden shower). Dang! Loosen up, tightwad! You are a walking wet blanket, leaving a danky trail everywhere you go. Your entire aura is murky, like the color of dirty cheetos water (like the demonstration they did in Sex Ed where they put cheetos in water and said “When you have sex with somebody, you’re having sex with everyone THEY everh ad sex with.” Class: “WTF?” But iDigress).

Your bitterness transfers to all facets of your life too, making you a bad friend. With bitter comes selfish, tactless and overall disregard for others. Your mean ass being the resident Blunt Barbara is not “being real”, as you like to call it. You’re just an unabashed a-hole with no joie de vivre. With friends like you, who needs Facebook haters? *chuckles*

Your negativity permeates everything and is starting to embed itself in your face. No 20-something should have frown lines. Male or female, contempt and disdain as a way of life will make you ugly (a word I don’t like to use), no matter how cute you are.

And you wearing your “I don’t have many friends or associates” status as a trophy does not make you cool or show that you can stand by yourself. It just shows that people don’t want to be around you because of your pessimistic view of life. When you look around one day and realized you’ve pushed away everyone who ever cared for you, please know it wasn’t them. It was you. You didn’t only burn your bridges, but you blew them suckas UP! I hope you and your 15 cats enjoy each other’s company. But then again. The cats may run away.

That chip on your shoulder is bigger than Mama Re-Re’s bra closet. iCan’t with you and you have no room in my lifespace. I can do bad all by myself, thankyouverymuch. Please pack your belongings and vamoose. Nope, nope. I already packed them for you. They are waiting by the door for you. The bus to the Land of Abandoned People will be here in 5 minutes. Don’t miss it.

Go sat down and think about your life. Truly decide if it’s so bad that you spend 90% of your time being a Debbie Downer. Jeebs be some gratefulness for you. Instead of walking around in a permanent state of angst and mad about life, please say a prayer of “Thanks” to God and know you are better off than a lot of folks. HMPH. Ol’ Crabs in a Barrel Face.

So Sinsurrly,

Luvvie (but not so Dovey today)

***Reads letter*** D*mn! I kinda went off a little bit, ain’t I?