Dearest Oprah (More free chicken?)
I didn’t think Madame O would need a sternly-worded letter, but alas, I was forced to write one.
You know I STAN for you more than Michael Jackson stans for
little boys plastic surgery, right? Well I does. That day when I SEED you in “The Color Purple”, I KNEW there was a GAWD!! Did you ever know that you’re my SHERO? Well, you is.
However, I got a bone to pick with you (ALL pun intended). I know you mean well but I got slight beef, or is that chicken, with you (yes, feel free to boo me for both the premise and the corniness of that line). You ain’t right for this free chicken that you not only endorse, but you initiated. I’ve just ’bout HAD it with all this chicken being given away lately. And before y’all start saying I’m a vegetarian hater, that ain’t it. I LOVES me some fried chicken wings.
I know we’re in a recession and FREE rules everything around me (F.R.E.A.M.) but not only are we a broke nation, but we’re gonna be a fat one too. I promise, if someone starts giving away bacon, I’mo raise all types of H*ll. These lilliputian fists will shake oh so vigorously. It’ll be a balled up blur of fury.
I’m saying though. If we can get a free coupon, can it be to something other than chicken? Dang! I’m just ’bout sicka poultry. I coulda used some free yogurt, sorbet, sushi or something (I’ll even take some crepes. Mmm yum). Anything but the FOWL! Oprah with your “You get chicken! You get chicken! YOU GET CHICKEN!” face (c) KindredSmile. PLUS to make matters worse, you’re supposed to be the Poet Laureate of Diet and chicken isn’t number one on “healthy foods”. Given, it wasn’t fried, but grilled can also be as fattening. iCan’t back you on this one, Big O. I’m mighty disappointed.
Plus, have we learned NOTHING from the Popeye’s fiasco? Popeye’s promotion from a couple of weeks ago led to a plethora of foolery on the parts of a lotta grown folks. You SAW how YOUR people (yes, yours. I don’t claim folks that act a complete fool) acted with that. GROWN people who supposedly had sense lost it! On the news just properly foolish. Every news outlet was sure to interview “Pookie an’ em” about their thoughts. After seeing too many bogus responses with someone with greasy lips, I was just through. Did we get no lessons from that, Ms. Winfrey?
And I musn’t forget the fact that I’ve received about fifty-eleven emails and texts with links to the coupon. If I get ONE MO’ coupon, O, I’m liable to put a curse on KFC, and wish a plague on all their chicken. May their chicken be bland and dry (oh wait, it already is. YEAH I SAID IT!). Besides, if we banded together on a social cause as we did on spreading the word about this free chicken, we could rid the world of hunger, poverty and Sally Struthers commercials.
In the year of Obama, we’re supposed to be progressing as a people. Must we taint it with yet another poultry prize package? Methinks not. Jeebs be some un-perpetuated stereotypes for us. Come on, O. Can you get us free coupons to Bally’s next? Just wondering, because we will all need it. Besides, it’s that time of the year when folks start caring what their bodies look like. Kthnx. Love you like a play cousin named JuneBug!
Forever Stanning for YOU,
P.S. Umm, can I get tickets to this year’s Gifts show? Thanks, BOO!!
Edit: There are many articles, including this one by Entertainment Weekly about the various protests that have happened across the country as a result of some KFC’s refusal to honor the coupon. Folks are marching like they were told to get to the back of the bus or something. Hot mess. I don’t like to say “I told you so” but…