Letter

Dearest Oprah (More free chicken?)

I didn’t think Madame O would need a sternly-worded letter, but alas, I was forced to write one.

Dearest Oprah,

You know I STAN for you more than Michael Jackson stans for little boys plastic surgery, right? Well I does. That day when I SEED you in “The Color Purple”, I KNEW there was a GAWD!! Did you ever know that you’re my SHERO? Well, you is.

However, I got a bone to pick with you (ALL pun intended). I know you mean well but I got slight beef, or is that chicken, with you (yes, feel free to boo me for both the premise and the corniness of that line). You ain’t right for this free chicken that you not only endorse, but you initiated. I’ve just ’bout HAD it with all this chicken being given away lately. And before y’all start saying I’m a vegetarian hater, that ain’t it. I LOVES me some fried chicken wings.

I know we’re in a recession and FREE rules everything around me (F.R.E.A.M.) but not only are we a broke nation, but we’re gonna be a fat one too. I promise, if someone starts giving away bacon, I’mo raise all types of H*ll. These lilliputian fists will shake oh so vigorously. It’ll be a balled up blur of fury.

I’m saying though. If we can get a free coupon, can it be to something other than chicken? Dang! I’m just ’bout sicka poultry. I coulda used some free yogurt, sorbet, sushi or something (I’ll even take some crepes. Mmm yum). Anything but the FOWL! Oprah with your “You get chicken! You get chicken! YOU GET CHICKEN!” face (c) KindredSmile. PLUS to make matters worse, you’re supposed to be the Poet Laureate of Diet and chicken isn’t number one on “healthy foods”. Given, it wasn’t fried, but grilled can also be as fattening. iCan’t back you on this one, Big O. I’m mighty disappointed.

Plus, have we learned NOTHING from the Popeye’s fiasco? Popeye’s promotion from a couple of weeks ago led to a plethora of foolery on the parts of a lotta grown folks. You SAW how YOUR people (yes, yours. I don’t claim folks that act a complete fool) acted with that. GROWN people who supposedly had sense lost it! On the news just properly foolish. Every news outlet was sure to interview “Pookie an’ em” about their thoughts. After seeing too many bogus responses with someone with greasy lips, I was just through. Did we get no lessons from that, Ms. Winfrey?

And I musn’t forget the fact that I’ve received about fifty-eleven emails and texts with links to the coupon. If I get ONE MO’ coupon, O, I’m liable to put a curse on KFC, and wish a plague on all their chicken. May their chicken be bland and dry (oh wait, it already is. YEAH I SAID IT!). Besides, if we banded together on a social cause as we did on spreading the word about this free chicken, we could rid the world of hunger, poverty and Sally Struthers commercials.

In the year of Obama, we’re supposed to be progressing as a people. Must we taint it with yet another poultry prize package? Methinks not. Jeebs be some un-perpetuated stereotypes for us. Come on, O. Can you get us free coupons to Bally’s next? Just wondering, because we will all need it. Besides, it’s that time of the year when folks start caring what their bodies look like. Kthnx. Love you like a play cousin named JuneBug!

Forever Stanning for YOU,

Luv-prah

P.S. Umm, can I get tickets to this year’s Gifts show? Thanks, BOO!!

Edit: There are many articles, including this one by Entertainment Weekly about the various protests that have happened across the country as a result of some KFC’s refusal to honor the coupon. Folks are marching like they were told to get to the back of the bus or something. Hot mess. I don’t like to say “I told you so” but…

16 Comments

  1. S A V V Y Fatty!
    May 5, 2009 at 11:19 pm — Reply

    Yeah, your tix to the gifts show will come next day air…along with that Harpo arse whoopin’ for calling her out on trying to get the masses as juicy as she is.
    You should @ this link to her on Twitter so you can tell ‘er why you mad, sun.

  2. Teef aka Nonchalant Misfit
    May 5, 2009 at 11:23 pm — Reply

    Okra >>> Oprah

  3. JustinGillespie
    May 5, 2009 at 11:26 pm — Reply

    I’m truly disappointed! As an african american male I feel like each event that takes place involving black folks can set us back or move us forward. For instance, Obama becoming President got us back 100 years but today’s events just knocked us back a good 25…But as disappointed as I am, I still got my coupon and took myself to KFC to redeem my free meal and it was delicious. Hey! A Brothas’ gotta eat! LMAO!

  4. Mz. Joy
    May 5, 2009 at 11:34 pm — Reply

    I feel you on that Bally’s Membership . . .cuz real talk the only reason I go to the gym is because my father pays for it.

    Oprah just trying to help her people. Cuz Real Nigga Shit we all love Chicken . . . I just happen to love Low Sodium, and Low Cholesterol a lil’ bit more. I’m Just Sayin’

  5. RiPPa
    May 6, 2009 at 12:24 am — Reply

    Gawwwd damn!

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

    I swear I wish Oprah can read this shit. I would love to see the reaction on her face if she ever does. But yo, you ain’t lyin, seems like they could send some emails to Darfur or sumthin! Ain’t trynna be mean, but they sure can use Oprah’s free chicken more than the do her girls school in South Africa.

  6. Assertive Wit
    May 6, 2009 at 6:52 am — Reply

    STILL laughing at “free fowl” LOL

  7. rainebeaux
    May 6, 2009 at 7:59 am — Reply

    LMACO!!(the C is for ‘clean’ btw.)

    Damn damn DAMN it all to Harold’s. One can’t tell me Bob approved THIS mess(age)! Real crazy talk, is this the year of the Chicken for us? I mean, really…heck, I’m sicka the bird mydamnself!

    Better yet, may I get a coupon for some free steppin’ lessons up outcha, O? I wanna be prepared in case I get cornered by George Daniels or one of his crew.

  8. Duwop
    May 6, 2009 at 8:38 am — Reply

    Well I thought this blog was full of tomfoolery as usual. One of my fav parts was” love you like a play cousin named JuneBug” I was CTFU. ROTFL. Woooooo I so needed this one.

  9. Nikki Wadley
    May 6, 2009 at 9:29 am — Reply

    Thank you for writing this one! All they are going to do is run out of chicken like Popeyes did. We do have to remember that poultry, the cheapest of meats, is a recession food. But, do we need to be reminded that we are in a recession by the Billionaire Oprah saying, ‘here’s more recession food for the struggling’. What’s next; coupons for powdered milk too! I hope everyone enjoys the slap in the face that comes with their free chicken…

  10. eysqueen
    May 6, 2009 at 11:03 am — Reply

    I gotta speak on this one, Luvvie dear you have a point. lets get a coupon for something we dont usually eat, like….well hell i dont know. Maybe organic, maybe veggie, maybe gourmet, maybe something that isnt stereotypical palease? maybe a coupon to SouperSalad or maybe some place that we cant usually afford? can we step it up please?

  11. KindredSmile
    May 6, 2009 at 12:35 pm — Reply

    Update – there are riots going on across the nation as we speak. No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I’m gonna write about it.

  12. TheBeez
    May 6, 2009 at 1:17 pm — Reply

    Jeebus Crisp, I just wrote about this myself… I did take advantage of it, like Mr. Gillespie, and it was inded freakin’ delicious.

  13. B
    May 6, 2009 at 2:25 pm — Reply

    Ri-damn-diculous. You had me e-rollin'. I'm with you on this one. However since F.R.E.A.M. (I am 'gon borrow this one but will give you the credit, promise….kthx <—oh, that one too. LOL!) I am thinkin' bout printin' off a coupon. After I check caloriecounter.com. Holla!

  14. L
    May 6, 2009 at 9:27 pm — Reply

    YOU get chicken and YOU get chicken and YOU get chicken…

    Oprah should’ve known better. I’m surprised she didn’t have a Juneteenth special, complete with grape soda and watermelon ice cream.

    Oprah sold us out! LOL

  15. overit
    May 6, 2009 at 10:30 pm — Reply

    LMAO, as usual you speak the truth about an issue with enough humor to keep my dormant blood pressure from rising faster than Oprah’s caloric intake.

    KindredSmile made my WEEK with “Oprah with your “You get chicken! You get chicken! YOU GET CHICKEN!” face”, iDied!! Oprah got a face for every damn heart beat. Jeebs be a poker face.
    And this had me cackle and shake my head at the same time:

    “Every news outlet was sure to interview “Pookie an’ em” about their thoughts. After seeing too many bogus responses with someone with greasy lips, I was just through.”

    Like, is Pookie always ready for an interview, really? You know you went to the south side and recruited these folk, aint no way…

    Thanks for addressing this foolishness. You would think Oprah wouldn’t use her platform to promote the consumption of chicken in the age of Obama…maybe next she’ll do a show on the refreshing watermelon….i LOVE watermelon and would watch that show but…i’m sayin.

  16. Jack and Jill
    May 7, 2009 at 11:56 am — Reply

    I’m veg and going to be a hater for that reason: didn’t Oprah do a show about the evils of factory farming not that long ago? And now she’s giving away coupons for dead chickens from one of the worst violators of animal welfare standards – ie, KFC? You’ve got to be kidding me. And I LOVE Oprah, so she has to do quite a bit to piss me off. Mission accomplished, Oprah! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

    -Jill

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