BET Awards 09 = Flipping Tables
As you all know the BET Awards was yesterday. This is part 1 of two posts on the most overhyped yet underdelivering event of the year. I decided to split it into 2 posts because it got so long and I hadn’t properly cussed BET out yet. So Part 2 is my letter to BET. Will be coming tomorrow.
First, I decided to watch the Red Carpet pre-show and my pissitivity started with that. The opening act was Hurricane Chris, with the aptly-titled song “Halle Berry”. Him and his Black jacket (yes, in Los Angeles heat) put a bad taste in my mouth off the bat. After his 4 minute “performance”, Terrence and Rocsi (the homewrecker) came out. They both looked decent so I thought “Ok, this may turn out un-coonish afterall.” Then I squinted and looked at Rocsi real hard. Why was she swagger-jacking Tracy Turnblad with that hairhat of hers? It was beehive game PROPER. Fail, Wrecksi. FAIL. Things shorter than Rocsi’s hairhat include: Gary Coleman, DMX’s rap sheet, Ne-Yo’s lipgloss collection, JayZ’s bottom lip, Queen Yawnce’s hairhat collection, Solange’s wardrobe of “different”. WOMP. Rocsi was definiterly the first recipient of the night’s “FOOL SADDOWN” gift basket.
Being the eternal optimist that I am, I still held out hope. My side-eye was only barely there at this point. I tried to keep it at bay, until like 3 acts came on that I either (a) had never heard of or (b) had less talent in their whole body than REAL artists had in their big toe. Jeebs be some musical standards for you, BET.
There were many other things that I saw during the pre-show that garnered my side-eye:
• Amerie’s raccoon makeup
• Sean Paul & his delinquent hairline, which must be emulating Stevie’s. They have ran away together to go wade in all types of waters
• An interview with Arsenio Hall? BET needs more people, including the Board of Relevance Alliance
• Ginuwine’s deacon board special suit. He got rid of the baby hurr just to start looking like sister O’Dell’s 5th husband Ezekiel
• Jeremih’s backup chicks doing calisthenics. Using the word “dance” is an insult to actual, you know, dancers
• Day 26 winning an award I’ont care about and seeing that Brian’s braids still ain’t grown. Lawd, can we rogaine his tips? Just wondering… Brian’s braids have been the same length since before Que signed his endorsement deal with MAC lipglass
Then between all this wackiness, we were decided to inundate us with these ads for Tiny & Toya’s new hoodrat show. I’mo say it if no one else does. Something about Tiny just don’t curl all the way over, like Lil Luffa (R.I.P.). She always looks one sequin short of Dereon and one chromosome (preferably 21) short of normal. iCan’t with her. And this new show of hers? iRefuse.
The actual Awards show began, and opened with a Jackson 5 tribute by New Edition. I found this to be very promising. Then I heard the men of N.E. sing and my big grin dimmed into a slight scowl. I understand it’s been a minute but they sounded like they all needed a throat coating of lemon tea. They got an E for effort though.
The one thing BET did right was getting Jamie Foxx to host. His opening monologue was HILARIOUS, and I could Blame it on the alcohol beause Jamie was toasted! Either way, it worked. The Ghost of Yuckmouth Present (Lil Wayne) won the first award. He even looked like he dipped his big toe in some water. For THIS, I said Kudos. Anyway, Keri Hilson’s performed and I spent the entire time doing this: *Blink* *Blink* *Blank stare*. It was so boring. She is beautiful but everytime she sings, my forehead wrinkles like this: S:-|. I just wished someone would pull her off stage and give her a “FOOL SADDOWN” consolation swag bag. WHERE is the other MJ tribute, BET?
Then came my homie, Ne-Yo. Sweet & tangy Ne-Yo. Ye of the lipgloss game proper. I LOVE him! He SANG his butt off but then in the midst of the song, he took off his fedora and I got distracted. Ne-yo looked like a chocolate condom with that hat off. Weren’t the BET censors concerned? I’m just saying. I couldn’t stop staring at the top of his head which looked perfectly like a prophylactic. Yeah, hat at ALL times Ne-Yo. Go the LL way. Irregardless (*cackles*) he KILLT it. That man can croon! However, they coulda cut Keri and allowed Ne-Yo to REALLY croon as well as jig in a proper tribute to MJ. But nooo.
Then came the part of the night where things REALLY started to go downhill. The REAL injustice that Jesse & Al, the Kings of Perm Present needed to protest is that fact that is Souljah Boy was slated to perform at this awards that was supposed to be a tribute to MJ. No justice and no effing peace! After being subjected to 4 minutes of what was essentially souljah Boy rappping with no enunciation and moaning ”turn my swag onnnnnnn”, my last nerve had arrived and was waiting for BET to plant itself firmly on it. FAIL!
By this time, an hour had gone by the show, and I wasn’t totally pissed yet so this was not a completely bad show. I hadn’t even did a *wall slide*. However, I was kind of wishing a DeLorean would sweep through and take me to 2 hours from then. I may have spoken too soon.
When Jamie Foxx announced Beyonce (Queen Yawnce), I was excited. SURELY, she was gon do Michael justice!!! Bey got up there in a white leotard and a long coat. o_0 *side-eye*. She looked stunning ‘bout the face though. She sang the song that I hear everything an ASPCA commercial comes on “In the arms of the angel”. I was half expecting a dog with 3 legs to hop on stage with her. But it ain’t happen.
Half way through her performance though, couple of people came on stage to change for her and I thought Venus de Milo herself was on my TV screen. She ended up in a veil and some sheer ball tutu contraption. o__0 What recital is Queen Yawnce doing? NO pants in sight. Is she swearing off pants altogether until her boo gets haircut? Iunno but her love of spandex is spreading to everything. Or maybe BET was just too cheap to get Yawnce the pants she wanted. Either way, I just KNOWED Mama Tina designed that costume. It had that “Je ne sais quoi” Dereon touch to it.
Sidenote: My friend LibraSong said everytime Beyonce says “Ave Maria”, an Italian person dies. Talmbout “By the end of the song, 7 Italians have died sand don’t nobody know how.” iHate that iLove him.”
Mary Mary performed next and they really made me scowl. Their song was to the beat of “Blame it on the alcohol” and they were bouncing up and down. That’s what we on, BET? We turning gospel artists hood now? Mary (or was it Mary) that had on the leather pants had me frowning. Mary Mary were my next recipients of the “FOOL SADDOWN” gift baskets. It comes with a “WTF are you doing?” body splash. iHate how Gospel artists take a wholly R&B song & add a line bout God & think they’ve done it. No. Go saddown & re-record. FOOLS.
The next performances was Keith Sweat an’ em. I saw that Keith still ain’t got the Claritin I sent him to clear up his nasal passages. He is STILL singing like he needs to blow his nose! THEN, Guy came on stage to perform. Where did BET dig up GUY? From 123 Cardboard Box, Irrelevant-ville USA? iCan’t. But I did approve of when Bell Biv Devoe got up there and performed “poison”. I was doing the Kid n Play all by myself! Then switched to the Running man. A good time, I tell you.
For another MJ “tribute”, Ciara sang. Yes, I know. She was sitting on a stool with a piano behind her, like she’s a vocalist. Whose idea was it for Ciara, Dancing Queen (and nothing else) to sing a song that didn’t require instruments to drown you out? The onliest thang she can do for ME is dance. Madness! Ciara’s vocals are flatter than the Cameron Diaz’s chest. WTF? FAIL! “Heal the World” is my ISH too! At this point, my forehead was livid like this >:-|. Not. Pleased. UGH!
Monica & Keyshia Cole performed. And yes, Monica is still a bucket of sass. That girl can wring her neck 360 degrees. Just sassy. She can still sing anyone under a bed though. Go on gurl! I ain’t gon talk about Keyshia’s capris. No, I ain’t. Also, this is the point when BET was officially on my last nerve. This is also when I realized that there ain’t gon be no *wall-sliding*. We flipping tables. BET is playing bald-headed (no amber rose) GAMES! Where r the damn TRIBUTES??? BOOOOOOOO!!!
Beyonce won some kind of award and walked up there to get it while looking like a human disco ball. What in the bedazzled, embroidered & glittered Dereoned Hades was she wearing? No, Bey. Please say no to Mama Tina sometime. This led to a surprise performance from JayZ. He has become the human Jay (Jack) in a Box. Always popping up randomly to rap. At least he got some TCB now (two combs and a brush). For that, we all say thanks. He did “Death of Autotune” and since all the people he named in the song were there, it rocked.
Don Cornelius came on stage and he sounded like a rusty truck engine. Just tired and husky. You aight, Don? Not only that, he spent what felt like 25 minutes telling some nonsensical old folk story that really has no point. I was wondering when Sandman Sam would come get him up off that stage. He introduced a performance with Tevin Campbell, who looks like life dragged him through the mud then tried to rinse him off with a hose but all the murk ain’t come off. He just looked rough. Then Johnny Gill joined him and looked so geek to have work that he ain’t know what to do with himself. He was skipping around that stage with his bird chest. Eddie would be proud. Tyrese got up there looking as fine as he wanna LOOK! But their performance made me miss Gerald Levert. He’da been rolling around on the floor sweating buckets and hollering. *sigh* The good old days.
Don came back on stage to introduce the O’Jay and gave yet another rambling speech. The O’Jays had to just walk on stage while he was talking to tell him to be quiet. Old folks. Gotta love em. This is also when the funniest moment of the night happened. Eddie was accepting his award and then said “SHIT” before BET’s censors could stop it. This was my EVERYTHING. It gave me life. I love old folk who cuss. They don’t give 2 damns! Anywho, the O’Jays performed their set while breathing hard. It lasted about 10 minutes longer than it should have. Sorry but it was cutting into MJ tribute time. WHERE IS THE DANCING TRIBUTE? My tiny fists were shaking vigorously at this point.
Debra Lee, BET’s President got up and gave some speech about BET staffing working hard. Well not damn enough. This awards show is more of a let down than Curtis Ennis was when he was a Chicago Bear. Just BOOOO, Debra. EFFING BOOO!!! (more to come on her later)
TI won some award and Tiny, his baby mama accepted the award. Tiny STILL aint had no ring put on it even though TI gon need it for conjugal visits. OUCH! Ego = *on the floor*. At this point, Taraji I HATE YOU JODY” Henson & Tyrese did some type of Baby Boy skit, which ended with Ving “Holiday” Rhames scaring the ish outta everyone. I coulda done without this.
Maxwell came to perform and I squealed like tweenager at a Hannah Montana concert. MAXWELL!!! *faints* Then I wrote him a letter that said “Dear Maxwell. I am yours. Lustfully, Luvvie”. *Sigh* He’s HOT! And croonedddd so well. His new CD is THAT business.
Then Drake the candle-faced boy performed with Weezy, the roach-faced man next. I yawned, blinked and watched my nails until they were done. Another performance I could have definitely done without.
The only part of the show that I truly appreciated was when Janet Jackson came to say a few words. I can’t imagine the pain she’s in and to get up in front of the world to speak is so courageous. I’d be somewhere balled up in a fetal position. The pain was so palpable in her eyes. My soul did a *wall slide*. Her appearance was a huge departure from Joe Jackson and his foolish self, who was in the front row for the entire show having a good time. *LETHAL SIDE-EYE*
The show wrapped with a duet with Ne-Yo & Jamie Foxx. They sang “I’ll be there” and it was beautiful. Those balladeers, LAWD!!!
There you have it. My rundown of the 2009 BET Awards show, which was an EPIC FAIL. I TRULY wanted to flip a couple of tables and kick paper when it was over.
Save a reminder because tomorrow comes the sternly-worded letter I’m writing BET. It will ROCK! I promist y’all, I’m cussing like a FOOL!!! I’m going OFF about the classless wonder of a show they put on and why iQuit BET and EVERYTHING!
So stay tuned… See you 2moro for the TRUE going IN on BET.
*Kudos to NaturallyAlise for finding me the pics
Edit: Will edit with more pictures before the day is over.