Dear PETA
Disclaimer: If this is old news, blame it on the fact that I wrote it 2 weeks ago to be posted on RiPPa’s blog.
The other day, I was in my office when all of a sudden a huge fly comes swirling around out of nowhere. You already know about my fear of creepy crawlers. That Lil Wayne with wings was pissing me off because it just would not get out my office. So I tweeted that if I wasn’t a punk so busy, I’d chase it till I killed it. If I had a can of RAID, I woulda prayed it at point blank and yelled “Die, BEECH, DIEEE!!!” followed by a maniacal laugh. MWAHAHAHAHA! >:-D
Anywho, like 4 or 5 folks tweeted back to me saying I better leave that fly alone with before PETA comes for mw like they did the President. THIS inspired this sternly-worded letter.
Dear PETA,
Your cause against the cruelty of animals is a very noble cause. I get your overarching point, because there are times when us homo sapiens mistreat animals and take far too much advantage of that whole being on top of the food chain thing and we run with it (See: Michael Vick’s epic fail of a situation).
And I do agree that there are people who do deserve paint thrown on them for wearing fur. Not only did an animal get killed solely for use of its hair for a coat, but because the animal died to make such an ugly piece of apparel. I think fur is uglier than a Dereon jumpsuit with sequined buttons. Folks walking around looking like polar bears, and I’ont ‘preciate it. Then when they add the matching fur hats? A part of me weeps. What makes it even worse is how they walk when they have on the fur. Giving sideways looks that scream “Yes, I you KNOW you see me because I turned my swag on!” o_O. iCan’t. iDigress…
Despite all the work you do, PETA, I must award you with the “Fool SADDOWN Gift Basket and voucher”. The fact that you are up in arms about the President of the Free World killing a fly makes me FURTHER know that you are either ignoring issues that actually deserve your attention or you’re bored. Methinks its both but leaning towards the latter. Is there no celebrity to help indict this week? Aren’t there fast food restaurants that use “unidentified meat” to go confront? Has someone went out the species again and had sex with Lil Wayne (who I’m convinced is a roach)?
I mean, really though. Y’all are going to be picketing for the fly that lost its life while invading the Beloved One’s personal space? If that was a human, the Secret Service would BEEN spray-painted him with bullets and everyone would have been like “Well, he WAS in the way.” I see no problem with killing flies. If we don’t kill ‘em and just let them run amok, the ecosystem would be outta wack. Then, the bugs and roaches would build a giant colony where Lil Wayne would rule supreme over his 6-legged doppelgangers. And who wants that? Not I, said the Luvvie.
But PETA, don’t think I’m some animal hater though. I LOVE cows. They make eating cereal possible AND they allow me to rock shoes made of soft leather (which, by the way, is a by-product). TECHNICALLY, I’m not harming any cow by rocking leather shoes. It was going to be thrown away ANYWAY. I actually feel like I’m doing that cow a service by rocking a pair of fierce shoes that was created from its hide. The cow should be proud it didn’t die in vain, but contributed to the fabulousity of someone else. Don’t you think? Well that’s the story I tell myself and dagnabbit, I’m sticking to it.
Whichever cow allowed the manufacturing of these particular shoes is getting put in my will because I appreciate it so much. With that being said, PETA, please go find a hobby. Jeebs be some more business for y’all.
So sinsurr,
LuvBucket (of chicken which was killed very humanely, in a nicely lit room with music crooning – maybe Enya)
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Category: Letter
