Dear Lil Mama (and ABDC)
So last night was the Season 4 premier of America’s Best Dance Crew and I tuned in to watch because nothing else was on and Sundays on TV suck majorly. It just never ceases to amaze me as to how random the judging panel on that show is. I really wonder how producers though of J.C. Chasez when they thought about dancing. Like “Yes, we want that guy from *NSYNC. The one that wasn’t gay, chubby, weird or famous. That guy.” And how did Shane Sparks, the mini choreographer get on there. Was Darrin “Ain’t no lie, bye bye bye” Henson busy? IDK. But MOST random of all is Lil Mama. She is a mess in so many ways and has earned this sternly-worded letter from me.
Dear Lil Mama,
Hey gurl. I got a couple of questions for ya. Don’t think I’m hating either. I too wanna get paid for judging folks with a talent I don’t have. o_O. But I impore you. How in Merlin’s beard and Harry’s scar did you become a judge on ABDC? What form of sorcery did your agents pull on Randy Jackson to make him think you were/are qualified to give dancing feedback? Did I miss something? No. Like really. If I’m not mistaken, your claim to fame was because your “Lipgloss is popping.” I ain’t seent you on nary a single or video since then, so I’m perplexed.
You being a dancing judge is like:
- Shaq being a free throws coach
- Lisa Ray being an acting coach
- Soulja Boy being considered a master lyricist
FAIL!
But apart from the dancing irrelevance, I do have a slight bone to pick with you. You’re naturally cute with your hazel eyes and everything. I just wanna put you in my pocket and take you places with me. You’re adorable. However, why must you go out your way to make yourself look a hot mess? Your penchant for multicolor pastel outfits is really unsettling. No adult (or teenager) should dress like a 3-year old girl’s playroom. Rocking neon pink, bright oran
ge and lime green makes not an outfit, but is a “GET UP.” And your love of glitter and bedazzling makes me think Mama Tina has a love child she ain’t claiming as Creole hers.
Then came the piece de resistance on last night’s how. Ummm is there any GOOD reason why you wore that super tight, extra high ponytail? First of all, your name is NOT Mulan! Your forehead was pulled so tight that I wanted to use it as a projector screen. Your edges were crying SOS and your hairline was like a bad ass teenager: truant. Self-induced alopecia is NOT the business. Lawd, I could see your thoughts. That hairdo distracted me from everything else. How am I supposed to focus with you looking like Mini Tyra (sans the fierceness). iCan’t.
Do you have a stylist? If you do, fire and blacklist her. Don’t have one? Get one LAST WEEK, cuz folks ain’t wishing you well by letting you go outside like this. It’s just not right.
Yours in nothingness,
LuvDove
P.S. I’d watch my back if I were you. Paula Abdul ain’t got no job and she should may come for your spot. Just a warning.
LuvBulletin
—————–
To continue my Blog Birthday Month-long shindig, I’m having a HUGE giveaway on Wednesday. I’m giving away a BRAND NEW laptop. YOU. READ. RIGHT. FREE laptop from Me (and BestBuy). So you best not miss it!
Related posts:
- Mama, I wanna win!
- Mama, I Wanna Win Again!
- Whose Misguided Mama is This?
- Mama, I Wanna Freak
- Mama, I WON Black Weblog Awards!!!
Category: Letter
Thank you for this letter, Luvvie.
Also, I'm very concerned about her masculine and hard face. She's adorable, yes, but in that Zoolander face-pose type way. And her twee-ness only makes up for it. Her cheeks look like they're crying out for release.
Also, her critiques make absolutely NO sense the majority of the time, so yeah, Paula will be gunning for her spot, naturally.
Oooh, free laptop on Wed! Ooh, I gots the win this because my niece would LOVE me if I give it to her. She's been asking for years for one and since money ain't right, ain't nobody able to get her one right now. I'd make her life. lol
HAHAHAHAHA TOO funny!! You forgot Lil' Mama had that video/dance called the "B Slide" which was just the electric slide. How does she take a dance that was made WAY before she was even thought of and is a staple at family reunions/cookouts/weddings/church and rename it and try to make money off of it????
Mega,
I just wanna thank you for this letter. I have LOVED me some ABDC since it first came on and Lil' Mama kills me every time she comes on. I tried not to focus on her hookey playing hairline. Everytime I looked @that ponytail I felt like a little bit of my hair line moved farther back. I wanna know what in the Devil she was wearing with that oversized hot pank/fuschia jewelry. Her whole get up looks like it came straight off the rack @Rainbow….
Whoop Whoop Free laptop! I'll be there.
I was wading through the mess that had become my google reader when alla Lil' Mama's fivehead was on the TV Lookity Box last night…. damn my timing… so I missed the Twitter play by play in real time. Therefore, I am so tickled that you wrote Lil' Mama a letter!!
Paula has the dance credentials, but dang if she don't need adult supervision.
You kilt me dead again. Too much more of this n you gone find poor lil' orphaned Eli on your door step talnbout "you kilt my mommy, now you gotta raise me!" I'll prepay the FedEx, so don't worry bout that!
Last night on twitter I said:
" I'm holding a telethon for @LillMamasHairline … Open your hearts and your pockets…"
It was epic roasting going on last night!
(by the may LOL @ yours in nothingness)
Okay! This is my new fav blog! You so r reading my thoughts from the last 4 seasons of this show. Hilarious!
As I said last night, Li'l Mama's hairline was running away from her face like some errant prodigal child. Just turrible. And she does have cute features… but they can go either way. My li'l 11 year old cousin was watching with me and shouted out "Man in DRAG!" (family joke… we's a little bit of an effed up fam)
iDied.
And yes, her commentary made no sense to me. Where's Paula?! Someone get me her handlers!!!
Omg yaaaas!!!! I was just talking about my disdain for lil mama! I never watch ABDC… but I tuned in for the crew from D.C. Her very being pissed me off especially the ponytail so much that I had a change of heart and abruptly changed the channel! I never see her with any parentals… where are they?? Every time I see her I feel like screaming "COME GET YOUR CHILD"!!! Hoping her Mama or somebody will step up and claim rights to her and save us all!
i love you so much for this post! newcomer to your blog, but i've been reading your work in lots of other places! two thumbs up!=o) you also forgot to mention that one season where lil mama had a ponytail….that came out through the top of her hats. that were bedazzled. that's a true story. *sigh* i think the only claim lil mama has to dancing is that she used to do ballet for a long time, apparently.
Wow … I would yell at you for this blatant hating if you weren't so right. I'm a guy, but even I could tell the lack of fashion (or common) sense that Lil Mama was showing.
And I've been thinking the same thing about her being a judge. I keep telling people I need my own show if its that easy!
The first time I sein't this pic of Lil Mama was this murnin when I searched for an appropriate image for this post. I said it then and I'll say it now – there's a man in there. Thank you and good night.
We came to that conclusion last night..
"She looka like-a MAN!!"
"Your forehead was pulled so tight that I wanted to use it as a projector screen" AHAHAHAAHA She did look an HBM last night, and most nights if we're being honest. Great rant!
Girl you are Kar-azay!! "I ain't seent…"
Bwaaaahahahaha!
i'm dead right now. lol
You's welcome. But iQuit u for saying she got a Zoolander face. LMAO!
GURL iCan't with her. She thought she was being innovative. o_O to her!
Mini, her hairline skipped school and it wasnt even Senior Ditch Day. So sad.
*Sigh* If I killt his mama, then I am choiceless in the matter. I hope lil Eli likes rice. Thats all we eat in the Luvvie household
LMAO!!! "open your hearts and your pockets". stoopid
YAYYYY!!! You just bout made my DAY!
True story!
Oh nooooo! Don't die, Tunde! I'd miss ur comments!! *wall slide*
Aw damn. Wells I'ont think there's a man in there. unless that man is named Bow Wow. *shrugs shoulders*
I'm not a hater I just roast a lot
WELCOME to my blog!! Take off ur coat & stay awhile. I'd love to serve you tea but my Butler's off today (lazy bastard).
Yeah. Lil Mama needs to get her ears twisted and told to saddown somewhere. I bet sometimes she feels like a motherless child
LMAOOOO!! Ur fam sounds like mine. Awesome!
" Self-induced alopecia is NOT the business. "
PREACH GIRL!
But forget that! What do I have to do for you to get that laptop, girl?
Let me know!
BananaFanaFoFuvvieLuvvie,
I am usually :here: with you in your letters, but I think you are way off base with this one. Shane Sparks is a living legend. He did the choreography for You Got Served, a landmark movie film that showcased the exceptional acting talents of B2K. He is also famous for having a pucker mouth. Please show some love for his pucker mouth.
Don't even get me started on JC. He sang the solo part in that one song that Justin Timberlake didn't do the solo for. Umm, greatness much? JC also had a solo album!! He sold 20 copies!! Show some respect!
As for Lil Mama, she is from Brownsville, which is my next door neighborhood (quick shout out to CROWN HEIGHTS!!!BROOKLYN!!!!!). They have no fashion sense. She has made sense out of nonsense. She somehow managed to take the colors that are on a crackhead's teeth, and use it for inspiration!! A muse for the fashionistas everywhere. You just mad 'cause she's stylin' on you.
You know we go way back to the Alma Mater, we had crepes recently, that's like having the same parents. It's deep. But I shall not go there with you this time!!
LMAO!! LMAO!!
It's great when a plan comes together.
I knew YOU would be the perfect person to blog about Lil Mama's receding hairline. And what do you know. YOU KILT IT!!
Imagine me coming back to my hotel room (I'm working in Arkansas this week) and not getting an Internet connection for an hour. (Damn hotel wi-fi connections). But this has made my week.
I tweeted last night I was going to buy stock in Rogaine because she helped the cause. BTW- Johnson & Johnson was up over three quarters of a point. Their stock is rising. Thanks, Lil Mama.
Thank you, Twitter BFF for making my week.
My fav from last night…
thePBG: why lil' mama gotta look like that??
Sabrina97: cause she has no friends and she needs more people
thePBG: I hope two of those ppl are a stylist and a prayer warrior.
I was done!
so. macbook. free. just for crownie. what?
lol, his name must be Niles=o)
Thank you for the insight
L'il Mama has no business judging anything, much less a dance competition. I missed the show, but I'll definitely have to try and catch a repeat to see her five head.
Ha ha this is beyond funny. First off Lil Mama is a mini hermaphrodite…at least I think that 45% of the time. The other 55% of the time I think she's hopped up on E.
Someone needs to have an intervention with her and the bedazzler. And her comments on the show…WTF…I need a decoder or something.
Hate to be the Debbie Downer (of the moment), but she is kind of a motherless child… her mom passed away right when she was getting popular about 2 years ago… I shed a tear for her youth.
Her lipgloss isn't poppin in this pic! But the hairs along her hairline are…poppin out of her scalp!
He loves rice! Especially fried rice!! But his lil mocha azz can eat, now… just a warning!
Luvvie, iHate you for that line!!
I wonder if her back hairline looks about the same, and if so, why compromise the remaining 23% of hair you have left, like a samurai warrior? I thought the dress was cute, but the accessories and hair turned it the other way…
co-sign!
Kindred, I'm kinda mad at you for that! But, dang if she don't! I was gonna ship Eli off to Luvvie for killin' me n all, but on second thought, you think Piggy would like a big brother? I'm sayin' I already prepaid the shipping…
iCant and iWont with you today. I have succesfully NOT visited your blog while at work in over a month for THIS precise reason. Fucked up my keyboard messin with you!!!! DAMMIT all to hair-be-gone hell! This was some funny ish. OMG. Im so tempted to read it again….
Am I the only one that misses that infomercial where Mr. Ain't No Lie Bye.Bye.Bye was teaching us how to look like idjiots?
Just me?
Forget y'all.
This letter should be CC'd to BowWow, since he and Lil Mama are the same people and all.
Funny..but I give her points for not being a style biter…okay..she bites Rainbow Brites style..but you aint seen her in a minute
I'm guessing she's a dance expert because….
Have I told you how much I love you?!?!? This is insane….I been wondering about that chile's clothing…like who on God's green earth is putting them ensembles together, and why she would let her mortal enemy do that unto her, cause friends would not let friends look like clowns!
Maybe I need to move to California…help these children get dressed!
LMAO!!! Cole, u stoopid!
*curtsies* My pleasure, Twitter BFF. Keep making requests & I just may command.
LMAO @ the prayer warrior. She DOES need em.
HA! Not a mini hermaphrodite. Po' thang. She's perplexing indeed
U's a GOOD mess! LOL
My bad, Chanel. U just gotta learn the art of the silent cackle at work. LOL I can't be paying nobody unemployment cuz they read my blog now.
I used to sing along everytime those commercials came on. And clearly, I remembered it by referencing it here. LOL u not alone
Love u too, boo!
Ey, it's me Kari. Burt it's all good, I was able to vent on how underrated they are. By underrated, I mean irrelevant.