So I was thinking about it. If Zane and Sister Souljah have become millionaires off writing poorly written, trashy novels, why am I still a tens of thousandaire? Especially when I can string together coherent sentences with correct grammar, syntax and sentence structure? Shoot. Well I have a scheme plan. I will write my OWN trashy epic.
With all of that being said, I am here to make an announcement. I’m gonna write a Gospel Erotica called “Mama I wanna freak but I’ont want God to frown”. It’s gon be a bestseller in the hood. Folks are going to love it because it is gonna address both religion and ho-sh*t.
So check it. Here’s the synopsis:
Homegirl lives with her Big Mama in a strict household. She never misses a Sunday at “Christ is King & the Little Light of Mine Will Shine Pentecostal AME COGIC”. She’s in the Qwa (choir) and next in line to be Junior Head Usher (her white gloves are on standby). Her chastity is not an option but a requirement because just like homey the Clown, Big Mama don’t play that.
Well one day, she meets this fellow Christian boy who is also committed to being a virgin till marriage. However, sparks fly and they both get feelings they’ve never had before. Then one day, her Big Mama sees that she’s been distracted, and homegirl tells her “Mama, I wanna freak. But I’ont want God to frown at me.” And she struggles with whether to go the route of Christ or submit to ho-sh*t.
Y’all gon have to read the book to find out when if ho-sh*t wins out, or if she decides to walk in her Air Foot Voyages (Christ’s shoes). MMHMMM!
Gurl with attitude? CHECK! Hairhat intact? DOUBLE CHECK! Hands on Hips? DID YOU HAVE TO ASK??!! See? I even got a sleazy cover created already. With the PERFECT amount of sluttaciousness yet still good girl. Thanks for designing the cover for me, Mr. Smart Guy! *add cheesy thumbs up here and extra big grin here*
Hmm…I need a book agent. Does BET have a publishing company? Because it’d be a GOOD fit for anything they want to publish. I even have a distribution plan. I’mo sell my Gospel Erotica at every African fest for $8.99, and set up shop right next to the wise African woman that sells the tubs of shea butter for $5. I’ll even autograph it with “Yours in freakdom, Luvvie” for an extra 50cents. And I’ll sell it 4 blocks from the local alternative high school that they send all the pregnant girls. I got a plan!
Then, I’m selling the rights of “Mama I wanna freak” to the Tyler Perry Movie Studios. If Tyler doesn’t want it, I can go the Indie film route. The budget will be $5,000, daily meals from Subway and coupons on Dereon clothing. Sundance Film Festival, here I come!
I see my name in the (Apollo) lights already: “Mama I wanna freak” by Luvvie. Directed by Jojo Simmons. Starring: Monica Calhoun as homegirl, Irma P. Hall as Big Mama, Bokeem Woodbine as the boy, LisaRaye as a sassy nosy neighbor & Morris Chestnut as an extra. Gabrielle Union will make a cameo for no reason. Yes. IT. WILL. ROCK!
The soundtrack will be a double disk. Disk 1 will be called “Ho-Sh*t Chronicles” and Disk 2 will be called “Jesus be…” It’ll be produced by the Pied Piper of Foolery (R.Kelly) because he is good with ho-sh*t & religion switches is a genius (who is borderline insane). I’m hoping to have such talents as: Mary Mary, Kirk Franklin (as long as he leaves them plaid pants behind), Lil Wayne (the roach of ho-sh*t present).
Would yall buy my book? Who else should be on the soundtrack? Who did I leave outta my movie cast?
Edit: Y’all best not steal my idea. Or iSwearfoGAWD and 3 wise white men, frankincense and myrhh… I’mo come for ya with a team of pro-bono law school students lawyers. *glares at blog readers*
BTW, Awesomely Luvvie now has a Facebook page. If you dig my blog, become a fan. Thank ya kindly.
Category: My Life
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