That may be the first time I’ve ever titled an awards show recap with anything good. This, my folks, is such a rarity. But yes, the VMAs was indeed entertaining. Here’s my recap.
I live-tweeted the entire thing, and my running commentary makes everything better. It’s true. Ask somebody (BTW, my screenname is LuvvieIG). Before I started, I said a quick prayer that went a little like this: “Dear Lawd, forgive me for foolery I’m bout to partake in 2nite. I’ll be in roast overdrive. – Urs in pre-repentance, LuvBug”
Sit back, enjoy, and learn to cackle silently since a lotta folks will be reading it while
bullshitting at work.
I only caught the last 20 minutes of the pre-show, but I did have a couple of reactions. I peeped Sway with his special occasion turban on. Go on, ‘head with ur formal hijab! It even had a bill. It may have even been made of breathable cotton. Check him out. Shooo… You know you want one! I do imagine that Sway’s locs smell like the inside of a fake leg. They never get any air. Po’ follicles.
Then Jermaine Jackson showed up looking like a toy soldier with his military jacket on and plastic hair. iCan’t. He looks like he smells like leather and “new car.” Jermaine is RUDE for using up ALL the interstate highway’s tar budget for his hairdo. Just RUDE!
Beyonce‘s interview on the Red Carpet was uneventful, apart from when her bodyguard Julius stepped across the camera and she checked him. I wanted him to stay in view though. He is FOINE! Heyyy Julius. Call me! Oh, and I never noticed before that Bey was a member of the ITBC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee). She will be getting an invitation to our next meeting. I hope she wears pants then.
MOVING to the actual SHOW.
Wells, let me tell you. The tribute gave me LIFE! Pure Oxygen! It was like CPR! That MJ tribute had me acting OUT. It gave me EVERYTHING I ever wanted but never knew I needed. The dance montage was DOPE! I just ’bout lost it when they did the Smooth Criminal 45 degree lean. YESSSSS!!! o_O to the dude in the front of the Smooth criminal dancers who messed up. Methinks his special shoe malfunctioned though.
Sidenote: Ya know MJ actually got a pair of special shoes patented to do that? Yes, he IS bad! Who else can do that? NO ONE! Souljah Boy can’t even trademark his own name, I bet. True Story. For real.
And when she won an award and called Taylor up there to get her shine, I clapped. Bey: “Hell, I got 39053 Grammy’s. EFF this moonman. Come on, Taylor.” Beyonce got more class than a ph.D program. That was dope of her.
(Pic by Getty Images) Mama Tina DEFINITELY had a hand in designing this bedazzled onesie. It SCREAMS Dereon.
Sidenote: Ladies, don’t do as Bey says and put your hand in your man’s face talmbout “Where my Ring at?” Nothing good can come from it. Either you end up more singular than the last piece of bread, or you get the Chris Brown Bow Tie treatment. Just… don’t.
Oh and Bey better had won that award. She had been passed up for 2 before that one. Papa Knowles was probably somewhere combing his moustache and trying to figure out how he could bring down MTV. He was gon’ gather ’round all the Knowles to steal Sway’s turban collection. Mama Tina was saying Creole spells and sharpening her triton. But she won, so all is well.
Duck, Duck, GOOSE. One of these things is not like the other
Wale & the House Band – They were really good. Me and Wale had some words on Twitter some months back but he’s grown on me. Wa se re, broda mi! The Nigerians were done proud tonight, Mr. Folarin. Unfortunately though, #Walesbowtie didn’t become a trending topic.
VanillaGirl Taylor Swift. I ain’t gon lie. iCackled at KanYe for his utter ridiculousness. He’s a caricature of himself. He KILLT her moment of Glory dead. He shattered it. He dried it up like a raisin in the sun. Like a dream deferred. Like Lil Wayne’s locs. Kanye Adebisi’d Taylor Swift’s moment of glory w/ NO lube. GAHTDAMN DAWG.
*They shoulda had TI’s acceptance speech on tape. He coulda rocked a formal jumpsuit for the occasion. Selfish bastids! And Diddy referred to Tiny as TI’s wife? That fool ain’t TI’s wife! 3 engagement rings DO NOT equal an oath before God. I’m just saying.
*Am I the only one who cant recognize Kid Cudi if he had on a Kid Cudi tshirt? He look so REGLAH. Plus his bulimic ass SKINTY jeans were killing me softly.
There were many more random thangs but I’s tired I can’t remember them. But I do say kudos to MTV for putting on an awards show that went against the grain. Yes, one that entertained me. It was the best awards show I’ve seen in a long while. Guess they didn’t want a repeat of BET-gate 09. O___O. If you can remember a better award show in recent history, let me know.
P.S. Kanye blogged his apology to Taylor. o_O Don’t be sorry, Ho. Be Careful.
P.P.S. Have I mentioned how much iHATE Lady Gaga? Well, I do. I hate her like crackheads hate dentists. Like Lil Wayne hates prophylactics. Like Whoopi hates eyebrows. iHate Lady Gaga.
Edit: “Kanye” has become synonymous to showing ur ass. Like “Adebisi” means getting raped w/ no Lube. Wonder if Webster’s will agree. “Someone pulled a Kanye in church and Sister O’Dell slapped em & told em to SADDOWN ‘fo she put em out! Or “I was bout to pull a Kanye on that fool until I prayed & told Jesus to hold my mule. She’ont wanna see me go KANYE on her!!”
“Lil Mama” is now synonymous w/ making an uninvited random appearance. i.e. “I’m thinkin bout pulling a Lil Mama & going to this wedding I aint get invited. Then i’mo KANYE them for not inviting me”
Add these verbs to your vocab, You know you love them.