American Music Awards was Underwhelming

[ 4 ] November 23, 2009 |

I was thisclose to not writing a blog recap for this since I live-streamed last night. But one of y’all threatened to *WALL SLIDE* if I didn’t lol. Anywho, here goes nothing…

Highlights

*Janet Jackson‘s opening performance was dope. In spite of the fact that she swagger jacked a jockey’s outfit, Janet still came through and repped! Homegirl is 42 years old and STILL slaying hoes effortlessly. And she does so with pants on. *psst* Bey, get a notepad. Take notes.

*JayZ and Alicia Keys. – Yes, Jay had on a brooch. A diamond-encrusted and expensive one, but a brooch nonetheless. His tux was so clean though. Jay and Alicia were good though. Why was Perez Hilton catching the holy ghost when they showed him singing along? Deacon Hov & First Lady Key musta DID THAT.

Sidenote: Fellas, just because JayZ wore a brooch on his tux, then later wore a safety pin on his blazer doesn’t mean y’all allowed to do it on the street. If I see ANYONE copying that foolishness, I’mo tackle ‘em. Kthx


*Mary J. Blige‘s performance was good. And she looked really nice, even though she had a bedazzled turtle on her shoulder. I just LOVE Mary. She can’t do much wrong to me.

*Whitney Houston - She performed her single “Didn’t Know I had the Strength” or something. I’m senile. Sue me. Anyway, I think Mama Houston looked good. I’m biased because I LOVE HER! And I love a good comeback story. Her voice may show some wear and tear but dammit! Whitney’s absolute worst day slays Ashanti’s performance at Carnegie Hall (if she was to ever have one). Besides, Whitney brought out a Qwa, and you know I love those! I’m a fan of ANY performance with a Qwa! YESSS WHITNEY!!!

Lowlights

*I’mo say it. Black Eyed Peas perplex me. They try too hard to be members of the “We so different” club. WOMP! Their performance was all discombobulated. Will.I.Am looked like some kinda creature. I just wanted Sandman Sam to come pull Black Eyed Peas off the stage with his cane. Why are they famous again? Yes, I’ll wait…

*Rihanna performed some song. I can’t remember which. But she was wearing a cat suit that looked like a picket fence. I just stopped understanding her. Then, there was a tattoo-like thing that was on her neck vertically. I really hope that was pencil on her throat and not an actual tattoo. If it Is an actual tattoo, she needs an intervention. Her performance? Squawk-tastic as usual. Bad vocals? Check. Hypersexuality? Check. Wondering why she doesn’t just go model and quit singing? CHECK plus!

*Shakira probably got the biggest side-eye of the night from me. She performed with an army of Onesied women, as they did random stepping. I wondered what sorority decided to have its probate show on the AMAs. 80 women in black onesies gyrating like Quagmire for 5 minutes straight was unsettling. I certainly couldn’t tell you what the hell Shakira was singing. I was too distracted by the Giggity Army.

Sidenote: WHAT IN THE HELL? WHY is everyone insisting on rocking onesies?? That’s it! I’m getting myself one. Who gon check me??


*J-Lo’s performance – I really stopped caring about J.Lo about 7 years ago, when she was still insisting that she was Jenny from the block. So I tried my darndest to give ONE damb during her performance, but failed. I left my last DAMB in 2002. Oops. Her sang and danced. Blah Blah Blah. And then… she busted her ish and fell in the middle. THAT was worthy of an eyebrow raise from me. Besides that? Eh.

*THE LOWLIGHT AND WTF moment of the night came when Taylor Swift won “Artist of the Year.” Yes, I wanted Kang Miko to win but anyone else coulda won this award. I’m bout SICKA Taylor! *FLIPS TABLE OVER* iQUIT EVERYTHING!! AMAs aint ON NOTHIN!!! *swipes table clean of errthang* BULLSHEET! UGH! *sigh* THIS is when we all need Kanye.

WTF moments

*Jermaine Jackson – First of all, I see he used his special occasion black tar for this event to get his hair the PERFECT plasticity. But then… why did Jermaine Jackson bring his poorly-named brood on stage to accept an award? Jermajesty was up there looking pleased with himself. I’onno why. His name is JERMAJESTY! iCan’t. Oh, and the nerve and unmitigated gall of Jermaine to accept an award on MJ’s behalf without actually mentioning MJ. I think someone mentioned it to him though, because he finally did give Miko some props the 2nd time around. O__O

*Timbaland – So we know where he’s been hiding when not producing a Nelly Furtado record. He’s been in the kitchen stuffing his face. Timbaland looked like Mighty Mouse after mighty binging. Jeebs be some Jenny Craig for him. Then he had the nerve to have on an extra schmedium leather jacket with matching pants. Timbo, I KNOW your nether regions are hot in all’at cow. I just KNOWED it!

Other randoms

*What was Kelly Clarkson WEARING??? All the random bedazzlement on that dress. Did Mama Tina get a hold of her costume?

*Lady Gaga performed. Yes, she is still scary as hell to me.

*Why did Snoop look like Blackberry licorice in that ALL black he had on? snoop look like a Black licorice?

*Why did Kate Hudson have on Goddess Athena’s formal occasion toga WHILE being boobless. iSweah she only has nipplage. She makes Alicia Keys’ seem like sherri Shepherd, and we all know A.Keys is IBTC ALL the way!

Yeah, that’s about it. AMAs was underwhelming. But live-tweeting it was MAD fun!

P.S. I missed Adam Lambert’s performance. Heard it was scandalous. If only I cared.

Read the live-tweets of the AMAs HERE!

Luv Bulletin
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I’m announcing my laptop lollapalooza winner in a separate post at 10am CST

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Category: Awards, Music, TV

Comments (4)

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  1. NissMarie08 says:

    I tried watching the AMAs but I got bored so I decided to study for my test (and by study, I mean watch the Everybody Hates Chris Marathon on Nick @ Nite and surf Facebook). Your live tweet kept me posted though.

  2. K to the... says:

    Nice recap, cuz I totally missed the whole show. I thought Timbaland was doing the bodybuilding thing a whie back. I guess he let that go!

  3. Cheekie says:

    Loved the recap because I missed the AMAs myself. Wish I saw the live Tweets live, though. Plan on doing that for future award shows?

  4. LoudPen says:

    I enjoyed the AMAs, it gave me something to talk about. And how in the world did I miss J.Lo's fall, & I watched it w/ my cousin we both get a side eye for being slow. And Luvvie, you'll never admit it but deep down you know the onesie phenomenon is due to the power of the Queen Creole aka Beyonce Knowles. Yes, I'm a Sasha Fierce support rep, but even if I wasn't you can't deny Queen Bey's affect of pop culture. For the good & the bad…

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