I was thisclose to not writing a blog recap for this since I live-streamed last night. But one of y’all threatened to *WALL SLIDE* if I didn’t lol. Anywho, here goes nothing…
*Janet Jackson‘s opening performance was dope. In spite of the fact that she swagger jacked a jockey’s outfit, Janet still came through and repped! Homegirl is 42 years old and STILL slaying hoes effortlessly. And she does so with pants on. *psst* Bey, get a notepad. Take notes.
*JayZ and Alicia Keys. – Yes, Jay had on a brooch. A diamond-encrusted and expensive one, but a brooch nonetheless. His tux was so clean though. Jay and Alicia were good though. Why was Perez Hilton catching the holy ghost when they showed him singing along? Deacon Hov & First Lady Key musta DID THAT.
Sidenote: Fellas, just because JayZ wore a brooch on his tux, then later wore a safety pin on his blazer doesn’t mean y’all allowed to do it on the street. If I see ANYONE copying that foolishness, I’mo tackle ‘em. Kthx
*Mary J. Blige‘s performance was good. And she looked really nice, even though she had a bedazzled turtle on her shoulder. I just LOVE Mary. She can’t do much wrong to me.
*I’mo say it. Black Eyed Peas perplex me. They try too hard to be members of the “We so different” club. WOMP! Their performance was all discombobulated. Will.I.Am looked like some kinda creature. I just wanted Sandman Sam to come pull Black Eyed Peas off the stage with his cane. Why are they famous again? Yes, I’ll wait…
*Rihanna performed some song. I can’t remember which. But she was wearing a cat suit that looked like a picket fence. I just stopped understanding her. Then, there was a tattoo-like thing that was on her neck vertically. I really hope that was pencil on her throat and not an actual tattoo. If it Is an actual tattoo, she needs an intervention. Her performance? Squawk-tastic as usual. Bad vocals? Check. Hypersexuality? Check. Wondering why she doesn’t just go model and quit singing? CHECK plus!
Sidenote: WHAT IN THE HELL? WHY is everyone insisting on rocking onesies?? That’s it! I’m getting myself one. Who gon check me??
*J-Lo’s performance – I really stopped caring about J.Lo about 7 years ago, when she was still insisting that she was Jenny from the block. So I tried my darndest to give ONE damb during her performance, but failed. I left my last DAMB in 2002. Oops. Her sang and danced. Blah Blah Blah. And then… she busted her ish and fell in the middle. THAT was worthy of an eyebrow raise from me. Besides that? Eh.
*Jermaine Jackson – First of all, I see he used his special occasion black tar for this event to get his hair the PERFECT plasticity. But then… why did Jermaine Jackson bring his poorly-named brood on stage to accept an award? Jermajesty was up there looking pleased with himself. I’onno why. His name is JERMAJESTY! iCan’t. Oh, and the nerve and unmitigated gall of Jermaine to accept an award on MJ’s behalf without actually mentioning MJ. I think someone mentioned it to him though, because he finally did give Miko some props the 2nd time around. O__O
*Timbaland – So we know where he’s been hiding when not producing a Nelly Furtado record. He’s been in the kitchen stuffing his face. Timbaland looked like Mighty Mouse after mighty binging. Jeebs be some Jenny Craig for him. Then he had the nerve to have on an extra schmedium leather jacket with matching pants. Timbo, I KNOW your nether regions are hot in all’at cow. I just KNOWED it!
*What was Kelly Clarkson WEARING??? All the random bedazzlement on that dress. Did Mama Tina get a hold of her costume?
*Why did Snoop look like Blackberry licorice in that ALL black he had on? snoop look like a Black licorice?
Yeah, that’s about it. AMAs was underwhelming. But live-tweeting it was MAD fun!
Read the live-tweets of the AMAs HERE!
I’m announcing my laptop lollapalooza winner in a separate post at 10am CST