Luvvie’s note: Next up is Miss Jia aka Bambi (to me, anyway. She got these long wispy eyelashes. UGH! I can’t stand her for them!) Ok, green ain’t a good color on me. Jia’s one of my faves! Anywho, she’s the PERFECT person to give side-eyes to folks because she’s uber quick to roll her eyes. Plus she also ain’t got good sense. This is why I luh her like a play cousin names Pum’kin. You can also follow her on Twitter. So show some love!
***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***
Dating is serious business. No really… I think that my girls and I spend more time coming up with various (legal) ways of meeting that special someone than we do planning what to wear once a date is official. So I’ve turned to the internet. It’s not because I’m desperate. It’s not because I can’t meet anyone OFF line. I’m just expanding my options and trying something NEW. After perusing several different sites (all of which I pay for, mind you), I’ve come to the conclusion that I just might be single forever. I’ve been running into the same types of situations on these dating spots and a sista can’t catch a break. I’m 100% convinced that the ‘net is playing one big practical joke on my lonely ass and they’ve failed to include me in it. *sigh My life, your entertainment. I want to share a few of these “types” with you and hopefully you’ll understand my struggle:
1. The “I Want You To Take Care of my Kids” Brotha
Oh, he might not say a damn thing about it but judging by Lil Mama’s hair and screw face, he MIGHT ask you to play mama to these youngins and while she gives you the McScrew face the whole time. Now I’m not saying that I won’t bother with a man who has children but I’m not trying to take on the motherly role with a little girl whose side eye MIGHT be meaner than mine.
2. The “I Haven’t Quite Learned to Accept my Gay Sh*t” Brotha
In my opinion, this doesn’t need any explanation. WHAT…the….F*CK? I mean if your lipgloss, your model pose or SNATCHED eyebrows outshine ME, please exit stage right. Do NOT pass go. Do NOT collect $200 cuz I’m gonna need that for some self esteem classes. These men need a dose of my glitter.
3. The “I Dress Myself in Young Boys Attire” Brotha
Okay, he was “puttin’ on” for an event, obviously. But this vest is too little. Any many that emulates The Dream (click for an example) is not the man you want to bring home to mama. It might go from shopping in The Dream’s Sweet and Petite Collection to completely wearing YOUR stuff. And who would be to blame again? Thought so…
4. The “Damn, Weren’t You in the Yearbook with my Granddaddy” brotha
Come on now. I’m 29 years old. What I look like hanging out with anybody that’s on that senior citizen special? Yea, dating older works for chicks looking for sugar daddies but for regular chicks who are seeking long term relationships, it aint gon’ work. If you look like you on the verge of clocking out FO’ LIFE, bypass my profile.
This is the man who, as a boy, was always being stopped at the door by his mother and had globs of lotion thrown all over him while she used her spit to wipe the cold outta his eye. And he got the nerve to talk about some “Shhh.” It ain’t no secret…ashy has never been sexy.
7. The “Ima try a Black Girl” White Boy
And yes, this is a REAL picture from the dating site. I believe that love can transcend all bounds, it sees no color and all that sweet sh*t but doesn’t this guy just LOOK like he’s wanting you to be his science experiment. Really? Have you EVER dated a Black woman in your life? Besides, I get serial killer vibes from this pic. Moving right along…
This one needs no real explanation. Unlike buddy coming in at #7, this guy has PROBABLY dated and hung around Black folks all his life. He knows all the latest sh*t on hip hop and can probably sing a Jodeci song better than YOU can. But the daily embarrassment with the long chains and backwards caps with the “I-wanna-be-black-so-damn-bad” poses is enough to make you move on to the next profile. SMDH iCant
9. The “Im-finna-get-a-deal-so-that’s-why-Im-ALWAYS-in-the-club” Brotha
Sorry guys and gals but I don’t “support” the up and coming rap star. Im sure that you’ve already ran into this type. They’re the ones with NO full time job, always on the scene and “allegedly” in the studio. This same dude has been working on a rap career since the arc was built and still don’t have shit to show for it but an Art Institute inspired CD cover and three tracks. If you EVER question him about getting a real trade (better known as JOB), he’s prepared to walk out on your ass because you “don’t support his hustle.” Boy stop…a “finna” career never pays the bills and THAT is why you and I can’t be.
10. The “I Aint Posting My Photo Online” brotha
Well then what in the HELL are you doing on a dating site? Am I suppose to be turned on by your subject/verb agreement? Should I *swoon* at how frequently you use ellipses instead of a freaking period? In this day and age of camera phones and Kinkos, there is NO reason why your profile should be faceless. Trust me, your verbage aint THAT special. GET A PICTURE AND STOP PLAYING!
To the men listed in this blog entry, don’t take offense. Just know that you either need to step your game ALL the way up or you simply ain’t my type. Either or, I’m keeping my side eye game STRONG until I meet that one for me! And judging by the aforementioned fuckery, I’m gonna be side eye’ing folks for a LONG time! Hmph!
Luvvie’s edit: Yours truly has just been threatened with legal action for my blog for the 1st time. Does this mean I’ve arrived? I got an email from one of the fellas in the pic above saying “I happen to notice one of my Pictures on your site and will becontacting the authorities today to check into this,there are newinternet laws concerning defamation and I will follow up on this.” O__o
What authorities? The Bad Pics online SWAT Squad? And these “internet laws.” I’m interested in finding them out. Does he mean intellectual property laws?
At first, I told him to identify the one he is and I’d take it down. But I changed my mind. Maybe he’s mad b/c he’s been caught rocking a crushed velvet shirt on someone’s site. Then he sent a follow up email talmbout “my daughters hair is not styled on purpose.” What the deuce does that have to do with anything? O__O iCan’t. Needless to say, it’s Busted Bachelor #1.
Jia sent him an email letting him know what he needs to do if he’d like his picture taken down. We shall see what he says. Will keep y’all updated, so check back.
Leave it up to Jia’s blog post to bring the drama. LOVE IT!
Category: Guest Blog