Guest Blog

Dating Sites FAIL

Luvvie’s note: Next up is Miss Jia aka Bambi (to me, anyway. She got these long wispy eyelashes. UGH! I can’t stand her for them!) Ok, green ain’t a good color on me. Jia’s one of my faves! Anywho, she’s the PERFECT person to give side-eyes to folks because she’s uber quick to roll her eyes. Plus she also ain’t got good sense. This is why I luh her like a play cousin names Pum’kin. You can also follow her on Twitter. So show some love!

***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***

Dating is serious business. No really… I think that my girls and I spend more time coming up with various (legal) ways of meeting that special someone than we do planning what to wear once a date is official. So I’ve turned to the internet. It’s not because I’m desperate. It’s not because I can’t meet anyone OFF line. I’m just expanding my options and trying something NEW. After perusing several different sites (all of which I pay for, mind you), I’ve come to the conclusion that I just might be single forever. I’ve been running into the same types of situations on these dating spots and a sista can’t catch a break. I’m 100% convinced that the ‘net is playing one big practical joke on my lonely ass and they’ve failed to include me in it. *sigh My life, your entertainment. I want to share a few of these “types” with you and hopefully you’ll understand my struggle:

1. The “I Want You To Take Care of my Kids” Brotha

Oh, he might not say a damn thing about it but judging by Lil Mama’s hair and screw face, he MIGHT ask you to play mama to these youngins and while she gives you the McScrew face the whole time. Now I’m not saying that I won’t bother with a man who has children but I’m not trying to take on the motherly role with a little girl whose side eye MIGHT be meaner than mine.

2. The “I Haven’t Quite Learned to Accept my Gay Sh*t” Brotha

In my opinion, this doesn’t need any explanation. WHAT…the….F*CK? I mean if your lipgloss, your model pose or SNATCHED eyebrows outshine ME, please exit stage right. Do NOT pass go. Do NOT collect $200 cuz I’m gonna need that for some self esteem classes. These men need a dose of my glitter.

3. The “I Dress Myself in Young Boys Attire” Brotha
Okay, he was “puttin’ on” for an event, obviously. But this vest is too little. Any many that emulates The Dream (click for an example) is not the man you want to bring home to mama. It might go from shopping in The Dream’s Sweet and Petite Collection to completely wearing YOUR stuff. And who would be to blame again? Thought so…

4. The “Damn, Weren’t You in the Yearbook with my Granddaddy” brotha
Come on now. I’m 29 years old. What I look like hanging out with anybody that’s on that senior citizen special? Yea, dating older works for chicks looking for sugar daddies but for regular chicks who are seeking long term relationships, it aint gon’ work. If you look like you on the verge of clocking out FO’ LIFE, bypass my profile.

5. The “I’m Confused About My Gangsta” brotha

Now these kinda dudes come in all forms but this particular example doesn’t know whether he wants gang bang on Little Rock or “hang out” with the men mentioned in #2. This brotha definitely looks like he’d have long, glitter filled nights with any of the men mentioned in this post but claim “He aint gay” cuz he didn’t get bent over. Boy stop. Black Gay Chat is >>>that way.

6. The “Correct My Hygiene QUICK” Brotha

This is the man who, as a boy, was always being stopped at the door by his mother and had globs of lotion thrown all over him while she used her spit to wipe the cold outta his eye. And he got the nerve to talk about some “Shhh.” It ain’t no secret…ashy has never been sexy.

7. The “Ima try a Black Girl” White Boy

And yes, this is a REAL picture from the dating site. I believe that love can transcend all bounds, it sees no color and all that sweet sh*t but doesn’t this guy just LOOK like he’s wanting you to be his science experiment. Really? Have you EVER dated a Black woman in your life? Besides, I get serial killer vibes from this pic. Moving right along…


8. The “Gangsta Ass White Boy”

This one needs no real explanation. Unlike buddy coming in at #7, this guy has PROBABLY dated and hung around Black folks all his life. He knows all the latest sh*t on hip hop and can probably sing a Jodeci song better than YOU can. But the daily embarrassment with the long chains and backwards caps with the “I-wanna-be-black-so-damn-bad” poses is enough to make you move on to the next profile. SMDH iCant

9. The “Im-finna-get-a-deal-so-that’s-why-Im-ALWAYS-in-the-club” Brotha

Sorry guys and gals but I don’t “support” the up and coming rap star. Im sure that you’ve already ran into this type. They’re the ones with NO full time job, always on the scene and “allegedly” in the studio. This same dude has been working on a rap career since the arc was built and still don’t have shit to show for it but an Art Institute inspired CD cover and three tracks. If you EVER question him about getting a real trade (better known as JOB), he’s prepared to walk out on your ass because you “don’t support his hustle.” Boy stop…a “finna” career never pays the bills and THAT is why you and I can’t be.

10. The “I Aint Posting My Photo Online” brotha

Well then what in the HELL are you doing on a dating site? Am I suppose to be turned on by your subject/verb agreement? Should I *swoon* at how frequently you use ellipses instead of a freaking period? In this day and age of camera phones and Kinkos, there is NO reason why your profile should be faceless. Trust me, your verbage aint THAT special. GET A PICTURE AND STOP PLAYING!

To the men listed in this blog entry, don’t take offense. Just know that you either need to step your game ALL the way up or you simply ain’t my type. Either or, I’m keeping my side eye game STRONG until I meet that one for me! And judging by the aforementioned fuckery, I’m gonna be side eye’ing folks for a LONG time! Hmph!

Miss Jia
www.missjia.com

******

Luvvie’s edit: Yours truly has just been threatened with legal action for my blog for the 1st time. Does this mean I’ve arrived? I got an email from one of the fellas in the pic above saying “I happen to notice one of my Pictures on your site and will becontacting the authorities today to check into this,there are newinternet laws concerning defamation and I will follow up on this.” O__o

What authorities? The Bad Pics online SWAT Squad? And these “internet laws.” I’m interested in finding them out. Does he mean intellectual property laws?

At first, I told him to identify the one he is and I’d take it down. But I changed my mind. Maybe he’s mad b/c he’s been caught rocking a crushed velvet shirt on someone’s site. Then he sent a follow up email talmbout “my daughters hair is not styled on purpose.” What the deuce does that have to do with anything? O__O iCan’t. Needless to say, it’s Busted Bachelor #1.

Jia sent him an email letting him know what he needs to do if he’d like his picture taken down. We shall see what he says. Will keep y’all updated, so check back.

Leave it up to Jia’s blog post to bring the drama. LOVE IT!

Luvvie’s Shirt Store | Follow Me On Twitter | Join my Facebook Page

Previous post

How Not to Holla

Next post

Get Over Your Color Complex

37 Comments

  1. @ThePBG
    November 17, 2009 at 6:08 am — Reply

    Oh Miss Jia, you broke it all the way to the LEAST COMMON DENOMINATOR!!

    The only thing worse than seeing this foolishness online is running into these social & psychological anomalies on the street. *BLECH!*

  2. BonitaApplebum
    November 17, 2009 at 6:14 am — Reply

    Spot On!! I have been dating online since 18 , so I have run across ALL these types. It gets no better. The only upside is that on dating sites its easier to see the personality flaws then if you met them on the street. but other than that same shit different venue. Good Luck girl cuz I figure I will be alone till I'm 30 and I'm 24 now. I dont fuck with online dating anymore.

  3. Miss Jia
    November 17, 2009 at 6:16 am — Reply

    Mhmm that's why Im gon' be single FO'EVA! :(

  4. carmool
    November 17, 2009 at 6:35 am — Reply

    This has to be thee most entertaining BUT BRUTALLY honest post I have ever read. My sister is the queen of on-line dating an she will have me look at the guys, I SWEAR I've seen all these men on at least 4 sites. The men with the run on sentence profile annoys me until eternity. I can not stop laughing

  5. Miss Jia
    November 17, 2009 at 7:52 am — Reply

    Aww someone that feels my struggle! YES! This sucks :$

  6. Miss Jia
    November 17, 2009 at 7:53 am — Reply

    Thank you :D It's sad that these types are so prevalent. Maybe someday….

  7. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 8:58 am — Reply

    Miss Jia, I'm pretty sure my yt brethren in #7 has more interest in making a lampshade outta a chick's skin than finding love… eek!! Thinkin' your serial killer detector is a finely tuned instrument! Love the post!!

  8. Miss Jia
    November 17, 2009 at 9:18 am — Reply

    omgggg why did I LITERALLY laugh out loud at 4 something in the morning?! WOW LMAOOOOo iCANT

  9. @Gordy1313
    November 17, 2009 at 2:21 pm — Reply

    I have been on gay dating websites and numbers 4,5,6 AND 10 are universal. lol BUT dont forget the profiles with just a chest or neck-and-below pic those are the worst haha I dont care how nice your body is if your face looks like Lamar Odom on a GOOD day.. i cant do nothing with ya bro. I loved this Jia!!

  10. @myzdevyneone
    November 17, 2009 at 2:22 pm — Reply

    My Miss Jia on a AweLuv…the level of IG abounding right now is stupendous!
    You hit the nail right on the head and drove dat muddasucka through the wall! Dude be killing me with the online dating profiles. There were some I've run across, I'd like to add:
    1.) The "I want a model chick but I'm as tall as Gary Coleman guy"–ninja, you are 5'5. I'm 5'8 FLATFOOTED. What I'mma do wit you REALLY? Onliest thang you are good for is getting me kid priced tix @ the movies! SMH

    2.) the "I'm gonna be like Barack so I need a Michelle" guy–this is the guy that talks all types of smack about how great he will be, so he needs a woman that can mirror his greatness and back him up. This is all fine well and good…'cept you are NOT in school, you DON'T have a job, and you are living in yo mama's basement! What part of Barack you is sir??! You want me to "show love to a brotha before he gets big" like Michelle did, but theres a few things missing….POTENTIAL…EFFORT…AMBITION…yeah, B-rack's got those locked up. Step up you bum! LOL

    3>) The "Whties and Latinas Only" guy–Now everybody is free to date whomever they want. I'm not judging no ones preferences. I like dudes over 6'0, cause I'm tall and I rock tall shoes on the reg; I don't do below 5'10. However there is an abundance of dudes online that will "ONLY" date our fairer sistren…not because of how they look, but because, and I quote, "sistas got too much attitude." WTF? So an entire ethnic demographic of women is stricken from your list based on an ASSUMED personality flaw?!?! Eff your life sir. If you are that dumb, I'on want you no way.
    Whew! /rant

  11. @myzdevyneone
    November 17, 2009 at 2:23 pm — Reply

    P.S. My apologies for the book on yo blog!

  12. Peyso
    November 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm — Reply

    I just wanted to mention that man in #3 is not wearing a vest. In fact, it appears that he is wearing one of those vest shirt contraptions. That is all

  13. @ThePBG
    November 17, 2009 at 2:47 pm — Reply

    I like the book you just wrote! Your #3 irks my very soul! Those are usually the lackluster azz dudes no black women want any GD way, so the "fairer sistern" can have them! Hmph!

  14. Luvvie
    November 17, 2009 at 3:27 pm — Reply

    Yeah she served the one by one!

  15. Luvvie
    November 17, 2009 at 3:28 pm — Reply

    The run on sentence profile sounds like failure of the public school system.

  16. Luvvie
    November 17, 2009 at 3:28 pm — Reply

    Amy, u stoopid! Not a skin lampshade! iCANNOT!

  17. Luvvie
    November 17, 2009 at 3:30 pm — Reply

    iDig this tome of a comment. All 3 are folks to stay clear of.

    And Jia + Luvvie = IGnificence squared

  18. @OsoAlluring
    November 17, 2009 at 4:33 pm — Reply

    Wait a minute did he say "His daughters hair is not styled on purpose." ? No No No I didnt read that? Like ForReal Doe? You are the one that needs legal action taken on yourself for Child Neglect and Endangerment. Your neglecting the basic needs of hygene(hair) and you are subjecting her to a life of ridicule, low self esteem and mulitiple ghetto stigmas(all she needs is the rat tail comb tacked on the side of her head and she is the average HoodRat) – Society's Rules Not Mine. SMH

  19. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 4:45 pm — Reply

    Can I just say how disappointed I am that it wasn't ol' Buffalo Bill havin' face in #7 that sent that email…. "it puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again…."

  20. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 4:46 pm — Reply

    *skips in, curtsies, skips out twirling skirt*

  21. Cheekie
    November 17, 2009 at 7:14 pm — Reply

    *death* @ "my daughter's hair is not styled on purpose". AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It woulda been better if he just said he had his girl for the day and he didn't know what he was doing when it came to her hair. On purpose?! Ya'll on a family outing! WTF you tryna be ironic for? F your entire generation's life.

    Anyhow.

    Loved this post, Miss Jia. Loved. It.

  22. Blackberry Molasses
    November 17, 2009 at 7:35 pm — Reply

    Dang u Amy… get outta my head. I was saying that as I was looking at his pic.

  23. Blackberry Molasses
    November 17, 2009 at 7:45 pm — Reply

    Great post! I've run into ALL of these type o men. Made me wonder if NORMAL mens existed.
    And WOMP to the dude who's got his knickers in a bunch over being on this site.
    1. You put ur pic online. You left yourself open for your pic to be snatched and screwed with, you belligerent dummy.
    2. You are directing your vitriol to the wrong people… try the dating site that made it so easy to lift your photo from… WOMP WOMP WOMP-ITY WOMP.

    Miss Jia, keep the faith mama, you won't be single forever… you just might have to leave the country to find love. The American Landscape is looking mighty bleak, according to this.

  24. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 7:47 pm — Reply

    I just noticed I used the wrong "it's" shoulda been "its" –how mortifying!
    *checks over shoulder for Luv n her red grading pen*

  25. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 7:48 pm — Reply

    I'm sayin'… dude looks like mama's mummified remains are propped up in front of the tv, and there's a senator's daughter in the cellar!

  26. Lite Bread
    November 17, 2009 at 11:45 pm — Reply

    amymay, Luvvie,
    Is that a Death-head's Hawkmoth flyin' around in the background on dude?

  27. Lite Bread
    November 17, 2009 at 11:55 pm — Reply

    Miss Jia?
    You go TELL Her Mostest High Awesomelynessis I is NOT #8!

  28. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 11:56 pm — Reply

    It might be. Say… that ain't YOU is it?? Boy, you better upload an avatar with a quickness or I'mma get suspicious!!

  29. ListenToLeon
    November 18, 2009 at 6:25 am — Reply

    LMAO! I never joined a dating site, but this was still hilarious! Only Jia would put that pany actual photos of folks on blast like that LOL. Funny stuff!

  30. Veronica
    November 18, 2009 at 11:25 pm — Reply

    Ooooh, I can NOT! Do not get me reprimanded for cackling on the job! LOL!

    Oh, and about ol' dude and his daughter… was that velvet shirt on purpose too? Just wondering.

  31. K to the...
    November 20, 2009 at 10:07 pm — Reply

    An almighty "AITCH NAW" to the legal action. lol Great post, Missjia!!

  32. DMario Isajerk
    December 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm — Reply

    Dude, if you are reading this, your daughter looks like a surprised electric pencil troll.

    Don’t EVER let her take a picture like that again, that is child abuse & neglect.

  33. Monique
    December 28, 2010 at 5:34 pm — Reply

    Bwahahahahahahahaha! OMG this is absolutely hilarious! Yes, I too have come across those types. I recently came across a super duper “petite” brother, which is when I decided I’d be better off being content with being by my dang ol self for life. And if I meet one more “rapper” that doesn’t have a job and can’t afford to buy me a tall hot chocolate from Starbucks, I’m gonna shut dating down for good!

  34. March 20, 2011 at 9:56 pm — Reply

    DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!! OMG THE FUCKERY!!! *WHEELED ON THE BUS*

    Girl I am on eharmoney. I have been emailing eharmoney about their site and how they be sending people 5’2, 5’4, 5’6 this ain’t the midget finding love site. I am 6’0 tall. I am not doing all that down there!!! O___O

    One guy posted a pic of his dog talmbout “wow I need a shave” WOMP! o__O m’f’r you need more than a shave!!! And he listed the height and weight of the dog!!

    *flatline*

    I wrote customer service about the pic:

    Customer (Veranda ********)03/20/2011 08:40 AM
    I am afraid that technology allows you to change the way archiving is done. “Close Match” should be an option and they can make it so that you “don’t accidently” close someone.
    Clearly you have no respect for me or my time. Tomorrow is not promised and I will not be spending it “archiving” and then having to go back and “close a match” On some of the matches that have been sent to me. They do not have photos and it says please request a photo. It should be required since I have posted mine. One user has one picture on his profile and it is of his dog. With his his dog’s height n weight. Who the hell approved that photo? He has no other information about himself that would be useful in me wanting to go further. I want to match with him not his dog!

    Veranda
    Sent From My Drooooid!!

    here is the response:

    Dear Veranda,

    Thank you for your reply.

    I can certainly understand your concerns and I want to assure you that as America’s #1 trusted relationship site, our members’ feedback is very important to us. We hold it in strong regard as we consider future changes and updates to our site and structure. I can also appreciate your concern with the amount of time you have to access your account. It is great to hear the exciting things which are happening for you right now. I would like for you keep in mind that many of your matches are busy individuals such as yourself. This site is set up to work at your pace. I would hate for you to miss out on the love of your life based on this reason alone.

    I can understand that it can be frustrating when your match does not have a photo posted. We have a great feature called the Photo Nudge, which is a means for you to encourage your matches to post a photo by sending a direct request to any of your matches at eHarmony. This is a simple reminder for them to upload or share a photo with you. To send a Photo Nudge, please follow the steps below:

    1. Log into your eHarmony account
    2. Click on the “My Matches” Tab
    3. Click on your match’s name
    4. Click on the “Request my photo” link located under your match’s name

    Once you have completed these steps, an alert will be sent to your match to notify them that you are interested in viewing their picture. You will receive a “Photo Requested” confirmation message under your match’s name. In the event that this particular match is open, you are able to send a nudge up to three times. If 7 days have passed since your most recent request for a Photo Nudge, you will have the opportunity to send another request.

    I really hope this information helps you in your search. Should you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reply to this email. Our Customer Care agents are always available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

    We look forward to helping you find deep, meaningful love because we’re eHarmony and love begins here.

    Warmly,

    Gabrielle H.
    eHarmony Customer Care

    Are you kidding me?! Bachelor #1 #haveaseat!

  35. Terron Terry
    January 26, 2013 at 12:43 am — Reply

    LMFAO at your Fake ASS Blog!!!! The Picture of your so-called rapper That’s guy #9 is me… And For your info I’m not a Rapper I am a College Educated Brother with THREE COLLEGE DEGREES from the state of North Carolina!!! If you’re going to use people pictures and put them on your fake ass Blog maybe you should do some research on the them, FIRST!!! And to everyone that’s reading this and wanna see the real me… Find me on Facebook, My name is Terron Terry!!!

    • Tekiebelu
      May 13, 2013 at 8:39 pm — Reply

      One can reasonably assume none of the 3 degrees is in English…

      • Shakira
        November 18, 2013 at 11:44 pm — Reply

        I think it’s safe to say that you have set Mr. Terry aflame. I mean burnt to a crispity crisp! #iLive

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>