Luvvie’s Intro: I needed some testosterone in this estrogen-filled blog, and I figured, what better day to have a man take over my eCrib than on Hump Day? Next up is Leon, comedian extraordinaire and owner of 2 guns he calls arms (Hey Leon, slide me the $5 you promised for that compliment. I take PayPal). His blog is the hilarious “Listen to Leon,” and although light skint men ain’t been in since acid wash jeans were (iKeed, iKeed), Leon is cooler than orange soda. Follow him on Twitter too!
***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***
Get Over Your Color Complex
Hello readers of Awesomely Luvvie. My name is Leon, and I pride myself on being an expert at calling out the behavior of simpletons, and clowning them accordingly for their actions. In other words, I serve as a watchdog, striking out against random acts of n*ggardry with GREAT VENGEANCE, and FUUUURIOUS ANGER!
When Luvvie told me that the theme of this guest post would be who would you give the *side eye* to, my first thought was Sammy Sosa for his unsuccessful attempt to turn white. It’s like the man saw a 1950s glamour shot of Bing Crosby, and said “THAT’S IT! That’s what I’m going for!” So Sammy went and got his skin lightened, put an Eddie Kane Jr. conk in his head, and the end result is he now looks like the bastard child of Michael Jackson and She-Hulk. I really don’t need to clown him any further, because you’ve all seen the pictures. The guy looks absolutely ridiculous. Sometimes, real life is the funnier than any comedian could ever hope to be.
This topic is bigger than Sammy Steroid, however. I would like to use this opportunity to bring ALL black people together, kind of like Moses would if he were guest blogging. I shall do this, by exposing just how ignorant it is to have a color complex in the 21st century. We as a people have come very far. However, we still have a long way to go in the struggle. The last thing we need is to tear each other down and bicker amongst each other over perceived differences based on skin tone. This goes for every African-American, whether you’re midnight shadow black, or so high yellow you’re almost transparent. Below, I have compiled a few myth-dispelling facts for you to think about:
Life is Tough for ALL Shades of Black People:
I am a light skinned, curly headed fellow, and unlike Sammy Sosa, I have been, all of my life. Growing up, I was one of the only kids in my neighborhood with those features. Everyone else looked “black” whereas, I was something like “off-black” or “beige.” As a result, people would make jokes about me. Once I realized that beating them all up wasn’t a realistic long-term solution, I decided that I would try making jokes since I’ve always been a quick thinker. As a result, I became a ‘hood legend for mercilessly clowning anyone who tried to come at me with jokes. That said, it all stemmed from defense mechanism put in place by being different from everyone else.
My point is, we’re all different, and anytime ignorant people see differences, they’re going to use it to separate themselves. It sucks, but it’s been that way since the beginning of time. The challenge is to be enlightened and see past the dumb stuff so that you remember that in the end, we’re all human beings and children of God, Allah, or whatever your spiritual beliefs are.
Slavery Ended in the 19th Century, So Stop Thinking Like One!
I don’t know if you got the memo, but the whole “house n*gga” vs “field n*gga” thing ended a very long time ago. We have no reason to resent one another based on skin tone. The slave masters started that separation thing for a reason: To ensure that we’d stay mentally enslaved and incapable of banding together to rise up. So get over it, already! Don’t make me slap you…Cause I’ll do it. I really will. Back-slap you right through the monitor you’re using to read this.
Ashy Is Universal.
All people get ashy. You think Jergens is relying on dark-skinned black people for business? If so, you probably need to take a step back to examine your life, and find out at exactly what point the education system failed you. We all get ashy; it’s just that it shows up more on dark skinned people. It’s a contrast thing; that’s all.
Then again, us light skinned folks have to worry about sunburn more than most of our darker brethren. At least visible ash isn’t painful to the touch! Once again, all roads lead to “build a bridge and get over it!”
Stop Trying To Genetically Engineer Light Skinned Babies!
I actually have some relatives whose level of self hatred is so high, they make it a point to marry or knock up any skanky white woman that will let them in between her legs, because they “want pretty babies.” I’m not an expert on genetics, but I am an expert on pretty and ugly. That said, I can clarify two things really quickly:
- Light skin does not equal pretty. Some of the strangest looking people on Earth are light. I won’t name names, but I’m sure each and every one of you thought of some genetic disaster-looking light skinned person when you read that sentence. You can share those thoughts in the comment section if you like.
- More importantly, two ugly people usually don’t make pretty babies. It happens on rare occasions where both of their horrible appearances offset each other like a double negative, but that’s about as likely to happen as finding a giant pearl in an oyster at Red Lobster. Usually, all you’re doing is bringing another ugly person into this world. Shame on you!
A friend of mine showed me his baby, and had the nerve to say “He’s light skinned like me. He’s gonna get all the girls!”
I didn’t have the heart to say what I was thinking, which was: “Dude, you look like Big Bird, and your baby’s momma is kind of hard-looking. This poor child isn’t even a year old yet, and he’s probably already peaked. Judging from you two, it’s downhill from here.”
I hope I enlightened some poor soul today. If not, I hope I was able to amuse someone. If THAT didn’t happen…well, I don’t know what to say to you. I mean, I can’t give you back those 5 minutes of your life that you spent reading this, so um…try reading it again or something. Special thanks to Luvvie for allowing me to rant over here on her blog!
Category: Guest Blog