Guest Blog

How Not to Holla

Hey y’all. This week is Luvvie’s Tricking Off and doing other stuff Guest Blogger’s Week here on AweLuv, and I got some heavy hitting HILARIOUS #Hoshit enthusiasts bloggers for y’all. I begged handpicked the 5 of them because I know they’ll do this eCrib of mine some justice. The theme for this week is *SIDE-EYE*. My bloggers are writing about things that have induced the side-eye in them. Y’all gotta show them some love.

***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***

First up is Brokey McPoverty. If her name doesn’t speak volumes to her level of IG, this post will. Check out her blog and follow her on Twitter. She got less sense than a tooth cleaning for crackheads. This fool actually wrote a post called “Donnie McClurkin Likes D*ck: The Musical” iDied. So yeah, enjoy!

How Not to Holla

Fellas: Do NOT be this guy. Ladies, do NOT let this guy have the bootybutt.

Dear Fellas (Ladies, too):Hi. It’s me, your dutiful sister in struggle. I caught a case awhile ago that I don’t really want to talk about (all I’ll say is that it involved a squirrel, some rat food, and a very, very large wad of bubble gum) and I still have some hours of community service to work off. I thought a good way to do that would be to share some top secret information that really should be common sense when you think about it. This is stuff that all adults should know, but I know for a fact that there is a very large penis-bearing population that is in the dark. Pay close attention and get your composition books out and take some damn notes, for I am going to walk you through How Not to Holla 101: Sh!t You Should Already Know but Apparently Don’t for Some Reason. 

Okay. So I’m super cute, right? Simple statement of fact. I ain’t nobody’s model or nothin’ like that, but my mama tells me all the time how cute I am. This, however, means nothing in the grand scheme of things because it is my belief that a lot of men (and let me say that I am definitely generalizing here…some of yall have sense. Some of yall have standards. But lots of yall? Sorely lacking) will holla at ANYthing. Seriously. Some of yall have the shortest lists of criterium. I’m guessing it goes a little something like: “Boobs? Check. Breathing? Check. Potential vagina? Check. HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!”

So yeah, I’m cute, but so what? This isn’t a problem that only the cute have. I’d put good money on it that all women have experienced the hollas that will be discussed at least once in their lives. Whether you’re dressed up in stilletos and latex leggings or drowning in your big brother’s hoodie and some knockoff Uggs from the Chinese store, it doesn’t matter. It’s hard for any of us to make it down the street without a ”Scuse me, shorty!” or a “Hey, sis, can I talk to you real quick?” And I mean it makes sense. At the core, we’re animals, driven by the need to reproduce. So fellas, yall are just doin’ what your subcoscious instincts are telling you to do, and I can’t fault you for that.

What I CAN fault your ridiculous behinds for is the extra uber super duper LAME way some of yall insist on doin’ it! There are certain things, ways and manners that just should not be acceptable from a grown man in 2009. I’m gonna run down some of these ways for you.


1. The Perpetration: Assumption Junction
The Typical Script: 
him: “Aye, how you doin?’ 
her: “I’m fine/I have a headache/I’m suicidal and thinking of ending it all.” (The response here doesn’t really matter because the next question is ALWAYS the same-) 
him: “Oh, for real? Where yo’ man at?” 

Why this is unacceptable: Because OMG, why does it matter, Negro Jones?! If I say he’s walking right next to me, are you gonna leave me alone? Is the assumption here is that if I have a man and he’s not around, I’m fair game?? How trife!! If he was right there next to me, would you leave me alone? Or just continue your rap in sign language when he ain’t lookin? What if I said he was in my heart? I also recognize that this is a slick/coy way of finding out if a woman has a man. It’s lame all the same, though. Just be grown and ask!

You’d be more productive if you: Walked right up to her and said, “Hello, ma’am. Are you looking for an adulterous affair? If so, I’m interested!”The big problem with this approach is that even though it may be a slick way to find out if a lady is involved or not is that if she is involved, that’s not the end. I, for example, always, as a rule, say that my man is at home when asked, and what follows is ALWAYS:

2. The Perpetration: The Biz Markie – aka The “Just a Friend” Ruse
The Typical Script:
him: *random attempt at hollering* 
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” 
him: “Oh, you can’t have friends?” 

Why this is unacceptable: Like, WTF? YOU DON’T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND!! You made that clear when you started our acquaintanship by askin’ about my boyfriend right out the gate! No, Trifling Johnson, what YOU want is to be an emergency D!ck-in-a-Glass! You want to weasle your way into the kitchen so you can smell the cookies cookin’ and wait next to the stove til it’s time to get a hot one!! You want to get your foot in the door and wait to see if it revolves or not so you can plan yourself a niiiiice little entrance strategy! You ain’t slick!!

It’d be more productive if you: Walked up to me, pulled out your penis and said “Look, it’s not gonna suck itself. I know you have a boyfriend, but if you don’t mind compromising your morals enough to accommodate me, I’d be much obliged. If not, I’ll just skip my happy ass on to the next one.” At least you’d be honest, and at least I could respect that. I’d spit at you and call the cops, but I’d respect you.

3. The Perpetration: Sour Grapes
The Typical Script: 
him: *random attempt at hollering*
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend/I’m not interested.”
him: “F*CK YOU THEN, B!TCH, YOU AIN’T THAT CUTE NO WAY!

Why this is unacceptable: Tsk, tsk, boys. Insecurity and inconfidence is not sexy in a man, and nothing says ‘I am an unsure, insecure, no sense of self-having little boy masquerading in a grown @ss man costume’ like disrespecting the woman who just turned you down, for whatever reason. Especially if she was polite about it!! That just makes you look like Boo Boo the Fool dressed for school on a Saturday (Get it? See, because Boo Boo the Fool is already foolish, and there’s no school on Saturday, so if he’s dressed for an occassion that isn’t happening on a particular day, then he looks even more foolish. I just made that up all by myself!). A grown man takes his lumps, brushes off his shoulder and moves on with his life because he knows that he’s not a total lameoid, and if one chick don’t want him, another one somewhere will. But if Shawndre’liqua waitin’ for the bus at 18th and Hill Street with 2 strollers and 5 kids is crushing your spirit like that? I’d prescribe you some serious Jesus, ’cause you just may need it.

It’d be more productive if you: Pulled her pigtails and pushed her down by the monkey bars to show her you like her instead of trying to be grown in the first place. Same freakin’ difference, right?

Yet another bad method.
 

4. The Perpetration: The Dumbest, Most Irrelevant Question Ever
The Typical Script:
him: “Hey, how you doin, you look nice, blah blah blah.” 
her: “I’m fine, thank you, blah blah blah.” 
him: “You got a phone?” 
her: “……” 

Why this is unacceptable: Lol. What? Like… what?? What does this have to do with the price of tea in China OR the state of this non-happening affair?? Yeah, I got a phone! I got two phones! No, SEVEN!! Now what? Since I have digits, I automatically throw them to you? Is that how this works?Plus, what if I don’t have a phone?? We in a recession, homie! I struggle with this phone bill EVERY month, and when it gets cut off, I’m sensitive about it and I may or may not want you reminding me of the phone I can’t afford to keep on. So here I am in the middle of the street tryin’ to stave off a nervous breakdown because YO’ insensitive @ss has no couth. Awesome.


It’d be more productive if you: Asked about my stove. Or my refridgerator. Or my dehumidifier. None of that matters, either.

5. The Perpetration: The Drive-By Holla
The Typical Script:
him: *slows down car he’s driving in, rolls down window, yells something unintelligible*
her: “What??”him: *yells whatever he said again*cars in the background: *HONK!* *HOOOONK!!*her: “WHAT??!” 
him: “I SAID YOU GOT A FAT @SS, YOU WANT A RIDE??” 


Why this is unacceptable: Is there a better way to make a woman walking down the street feel like a prostitute? All I can think of when this happens to me or when I see it happen to someone else is “Hookers at the Point.” Just my luck, if I were to actually approach the car of a drive-by hollerer, I’d get bum rushed by a squad of undercover agents out setting traps for Ladies of the Night. No thank you. Plus that sort of environment is not conducive to a respectable chat at all, and you know what? When you’re yellin’ at me over Gucci Mane across two lanes of traffic from your Honda Civic….I just can’t help but feel like you don’t really give a sh*t what I have to say. Call it hunch.If I was framing this list in order from strongest perpetrations to mildest, this would be higher up on the list because I have seen and been in some truly ridiculous situations. My favorite (note: that is sarcasm) is when dudes drive down the street, turn around and pull up right in front of you, blocking your path until you talk to them. What kinda stalkery sh*t is that??!It’d be more productive if you: Went to the McDonald’s drive-thru and tried to get with whoever’s taking your order. At least you two would be able to hear each other, and you can get some delicious golden fries while you’re there.

6. The Perpetration: Phone Number Theft
Why this is unacceptable: Okay. I was REALLY on the fence about whether or not to include this, because it involves me showcasing my own stupidity to all of the watching interwebs. I have had my telephone number stolen not once, but TWICE in my life (the first time it happened, the dude was barefoot. Didn’t have nary a shoe on. It’s a looooong story that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, lest I be judged from here to Kingdom Come). If you’re unfamiliar with how this goes, it goes like this: Boy meets Girl. Boy somehow gets his hands on Girl’s cell phone. Boy calls himself from Girl’s cellphone. Boy saves Girl’s cellphone number in his own phone.…SON OF A B!TCH!!!!!Now like I said, a portion of this is my fault. I shouldn’t have let said phone number thieves get their ashy, grubby little hands on my phone anyway. But in my defense, these weren’t just random dudes off the street; they were dudes that I at least knew somewhat, and trusted not to go running off with it. Still, I’m dumb for that. Even so, what kind of dumb-faced jerk would even think about doing that??! You don’t get to decide whether or not you get my number, Loser Jenkins!! And how sad is it that this is how you’ve resorted to getting them?? Like, you know off top that nobody’s gonna give you their number, so you just go right to the pick pocketing?? TRAGIC!

It’d be more productive if you: Killed yourself. Expeditiously. If that’s what your life has come to, just hang it up.

Men, if you are doing these things, STOP IT! Ladies, if you are accepting this lameoid behavior from men, YOU STOP IT TOO! It’s your fault as much as theirs! They’re out here in the streets bein’ lame because it’s clearly working on SOME OF YOU! Do better!!!

Previous post

Dear Donnie McClurkin

Next post

Dating Sites FAIL

20 Comments

  1. Robyn
    November 16, 2009 at 7:03 am — Reply

    this is so hilarious.OMG

  2. K to the...
    November 16, 2009 at 3:43 pm — Reply

    #2 just happened to me last week. Dude added a little bonus, and said that he can have friends even though he has a girl. You walking with your toddling son…more than likely, you live in this building with your son's mother. Right…sure you can have friends.

    #6 happened to me before and after he did it, I politely (Read: sarcastically) said "That was smooth!" UGH, just thinking about him irks me!

  3. ashbunnie
    November 16, 2009 at 4:03 pm — Reply

    lmao. this was fuhnee.

    time it takes to get rid of you: 7 minutes. cost of changing phone number, buying oversized clothes so you don't holla, & the cost of good running nikes: 100$. killing yourself expeditiously, priceless.

  4. Blackberry Molasses
    November 16, 2009 at 4:06 pm — Reply

    Hi brokey!!! **waves** I follows you on de Twittah and wanted to give you a warm welcome to the IG Palace.
    This was Hi-Larry-Ous. I cackled out loud which brought at least 5 boys to the yard. Cuz you know, the second you smile (even if you're not smiling at them) they think you are interested and want to be re-breathing your CO2.

  5. LoudPen
    November 16, 2009 at 4:46 pm — Reply

    Ohmigod, I will be following you on Twitter & RTing this post. It changed my life & made me laugh. I don't accept any of the above behaviors, but, it was funny to read why this behavior is such a turn off. Absolute hilarity.

  6. @NaturallyAlise
    November 16, 2009 at 5:07 pm — Reply

    ***DEAD*** @ “Look, it’s not gonna suck itself. I know you have a boyfriend, but if you don’t mind compromising your morals enough to accommodate me, I’d be much obliged. If not, I’ll just skip my happy ass on to the next one.”

    You done killt me dead Brokey…. AWESOME post!

  7. KindredSmile
    November 16, 2009 at 5:42 pm — Reply

    LMAO somehow I read "Phone Number Theft" as "Phone Theft" and fully expected to read a story about a dude asking to borrow your phone to put his number in, then just running off with it. Your scenario is far creepier though – it's happened to you twice?! **Teddy Riley sad face**

  8. Tunde
    November 16, 2009 at 9:21 pm — Reply

    i tend to people watch a lot and i've seen all of the above occur. the funniest one would have to be number 3: sour grapes. dude if you didn't think she was cute in the first place you wouldn't have tried to holla. i find it amazing.

    i rarely if ever approach women on the streets or in clubs. if i do i try to find something we have in common to talk about, maybe crack a joke or two to get her laughing. if i get a good vibe from her i ask her if she has a boyfriend. if she does then i say too bad, he's a lucky man and i keep it moving. if she doesn't have a boyfriend then i ask her if she would like to keep in contact and i let her decide if she wants to give her number out or take mine. its really that simple.

  9. Tea
    November 16, 2009 at 11:15 pm — Reply

    "Walked up to me, pulled out your penis and said “Look, it’s not gonna suck itself. I know you have a boyfriend, but if you don’t mind compromising your morals enough to accommodate me, I’d be much obliged. If not, I’ll just skip my happy ass on to the next one.” At least you’d be honest, and at least I could respect that. I’d spit at you and call the cops, but I’d respect you."

    This is tomfoolery at its finest. The President of my company is in the office next to mine today, so I am trying my damndest not to laugh outloud. I'm snickering with my fist on my chin right now. AWE-SOME!!!

    P.S. thank you for pointing out the lack of standards that men have. Pretty & Ugly might as well be the same adjective in 2009 b/c no one gives a damn.

  10. Adwoa
    November 17, 2009 at 1:28 am — Reply

    Thank goodness I didn't read this at work…I would have been fired with the quickness!! LMAO!! Every single one of these have happened to me with the exception of #6….

    oh goodness!..my tummy hurts from all this laughter!

  11. amymay117
    November 17, 2009 at 7:43 am — Reply

    iDied. Hee-lair-ee-ussss!!

  12. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:23 pm — Reply

    yeah :( and i take credit for my role in such f*ckery. here's the story of the second time it happened:

    so, im at a party or a bar or somethin with a bunch of people i know, right? i literally knew everybody in the room except for this one dude, but everybody else there knew him, so i didnt feel any kind of way about him. i trusted everybody else's judgement–if im cool with them, and they're cool with him, i felt cool enough with him too.

    at some point in the night he and i start chatting. which is fine. im a chatter. i like to chat. at the time i had a fancy scmancy cellphone (which, in retrospect, is really a huge piece of sh!t) and he was askin abt it. he picked it up and i didnt trip; i assumed he just wanted to see how it worked. i started talkin to someone else, but i did keep my eye on his general person so i could see him if he got the notion to run. but he didnt. he just put my phone on the table and left the room.

    TEN SECONDS LATER. my phone rings.

    ….its him. talkin bout 'yeah, u know, i think u real cool, and now that i have your number, maybe we can talk??'

    $#r%@#$@^&#&**#$%@%$@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:28 pm — Reply

    im so glad im not the only victim of phone number theft. we shld start a support group. its not our fault!!!!

  14. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:30 pm — Reply

    aw thank for the follow and the welcome! :)

    that should/could have gone on the list too. its getting to the point that u cant even be CORDIAL to ppl u pass on the street (and i live in the semi-south, so that's what im just used to doing) cause u dont want the hassle that may come with it. and then dudes wanna wonder why we walk around lookin mean all the time. ha!

  15. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:31 pm — Reply

    w00t! thanks so much! sometimes its hard to be mad at people who do dumb things like that. sometimes u just gotta laugh. i usually do both–get mad first, laugh later. lol

  16. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:36 pm — Reply

    see, if ure gonna do it, this is the way to do it, i think. dont make it all about the holla holla holla holla right out the gate. when i get approached by someone i know is about to try to get at me, i start shutting down. dont ask about my man right out the gate! dont tell me how nice my booty is (though it is nice, cant fault u for that)! make a joke, ask abt the weather, somethin. that wld put me more at ease. but if the first words out of ur mouth are 'aye boo, u got a man?' the last word u gon hear me say is 'bye.' lol

  17. Brokey McPoverty
    November 17, 2009 at 4:38 pm — Reply

    yeah. see sometimes when i start talkin about this ppl, particularly dudes, go on the 'ugh u so conceited' offense. but that's not even it! im cute, but only SO cute. this happens to EVERY woman, no matter what. lol

  18. June 16, 2010 at 11:51 am — Reply

    *applause* I must say that I have “fallen” victim to the ‘you can’t have friends?” line more than once, but it was not because I didn’t understand the swindle, or b/c I wanted to encourage it but b/c I didn’t want him to progress to step 3 (sour grapes fleaux) and have me create a scene on a lovely DC sidewalk. No bueno.

  19. SaneN85
    June 16, 2010 at 2:59 pm — Reply

    This list perfectly describes the ways I am approached 99% of the time. I thought it was just me.

  20. July 4, 2010 at 4:18 pm — Reply

    If a man approached you str8 forward the way ya’ll claim we should. It would never work. Men only do this because it works on 99.9% of ya’ll. And if it didn’t, nobody would be in ‘relationships’ right now.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>