How Not to Holla
Hey y’all. This week is Luvvie’s Tricking Off and doing other stuff Guest Blogger’s Week here on AweLuv, and I got some heavy hitting HILARIOUS #Hoshit enthusiasts bloggers for y’all. I begged handpicked the 5 of them because I know they’ll do this eCrib of mine some justice. The theme for this week is *SIDE-EYE*. My bloggers are writing about things that have induced the side-eye in them. Y’all gotta show them some love.
***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***
First up is Brokey McPoverty. If her name doesn’t speak volumes to her level of IG, this post will. Check out her blog and follow her on Twitter. She got less sense than a tooth cleaning for crackheads. This fool actually wrote a post called “Donnie McClurkin Likes D*ck: The Musical” iDied. So yeah, enjoy!
How Not to Holla
Dear Fellas (Ladies, too):Hi. It’s me, your dutiful sister in struggle. I caught a case awhile ago that I don’t really want to talk about (all I’ll say is that it involved a squirrel, some rat food, and a very, very large wad of bubble gum) and I still have some hours of community service to work off. I thought a good way to do that would be to share some top secret information that really should be common sense when you think about it. This is stuff that all adults should know, but I know for a fact that there is a very large penis-bearing population that is in the dark. Pay close attention and get your composition books out and take some damn notes, for I am going to walk you through How Not to Holla 101: Sh!t You Should Already Know but Apparently Don’t for Some Reason.
Okay. So I’m super cute, right? Simple statement of fact. I ain’t nobody’s model or nothin’ like that, but my mama tells me all the time how cute I am. This, however, means nothing in the grand scheme of things because it is my belief that a lot of men (and let me say that I am definitely generalizing here…some of yall have sense. Some of yall have standards. But lots of yall? Sorely lacking) will holla at ANYthing. Seriously. Some of yall have the shortest lists of criterium. I’m guessing it goes a little something like: “Boobs? Check. Breathing? Check. Potential vagina? Check. HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!”
So yeah, I’m cute, but so what? This isn’t a problem that only the cute have. I’d put good money on it that all women have experienced the hollas that will be discussed at least once in their lives. Whether you’re dressed up in stilletos and latex leggings or drowning in your big brother’s hoodie and some knockoff Uggs from the Chinese store, it doesn’t matter. It’s hard for any of us to make it down the street without a ”Scuse me, shorty!” or a “Hey, sis, can I talk to you real quick?” And I mean it makes sense. At the core, we’re animals, driven by the need to reproduce. So fellas, yall are just doin’ what your subcoscious instincts are telling you to do, and I can’t fault you for that.
What I CAN fault your ridiculous behinds for is the extra uber super duper LAME way some of yall insist on doin’ it! There are certain things, ways and manners that just should not be acceptable from a grown man in 2009. I’m gonna run down some of these ways for you.
1. The Perpetration: Assumption Junction
The Typical Script:
him: “Aye, how you doin?’
her: “I’m fine/I have a headache/I’m suicidal and thinking of ending it all.” (The response here doesn’t really matter because the next question is ALWAYS the same-)
him: “Oh, for real? Where yo’ man at?”
Why this is unacceptable: Because OMG, why does it matter, Negro Jones?! If I say he’s walking right next to me, are you gonna leave me alone? Is the assumption here is that if I have a man and he’s not around, I’m fair game?? How trife!! If he was right there next to me, would you leave me alone? Or just continue your rap in sign language when he ain’t lookin? What if I said he was in my heart? I also recognize that this is a slick/coy way of finding out if a woman has a man. It’s lame all the same, though. Just be grown and ask!
You’d be more productive if you: Walked right up to her and said, “Hello, ma’am. Are you looking for an adulterous affair? If so, I’m interested!”The big problem with this approach is that even though it may be a slick way to find out if a lady is involved or not is that if she is involved, that’s not the end. I, for example, always, as a rule, say that my man is at home when asked, and what follows is ALWAYS:
2. The Perpetration: The Biz Markie – aka The “Just a Friend” Ruse
The Typical Script:
him: *random attempt at hollering*
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.”
him: “Oh, you can’t have friends?”
Why this is unacceptable: Like, WTF? YOU DON’T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND!! You made that clear when you started our acquaintanship by askin’ about my boyfriend right out the gate! No, Trifling Johnson, what YOU want is to be an emergency D!ck-in-a-Glass! You want to weasle your way into the kitchen so you can smell the cookies cookin’ and wait next to the stove til it’s time to get a hot one!! You want to get your foot in the door and wait to see if it revolves or not so you can plan yourself a niiiiice little entrance strategy! You ain’t slick!!
It’d be more productive if you: Walked up to me, pulled out your penis and said “Look, it’s not gonna suck itself. I know you have a boyfriend, but if you don’t mind compromising your morals enough to accommodate me, I’d be much obliged. If not, I’ll just skip my happy ass on to the next one.” At least you’d be honest, and at least I could respect that. I’d spit at you and call the cops, but I’d respect you.
3. The Perpetration: Sour Grapes
The Typical Script:
him: *random attempt at hollering*
her: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend/I’m not interested.”
him: “F*CK YOU THEN, B!TCH, YOU AIN’T THAT CUTE NO WAY!
Why this is unacceptable: Tsk, tsk, boys. Insecurity and inconfidence is not sexy in a man, and nothing says ‘I am an unsure, insecure, no sense of self-having little boy masquerading in a grown @ss man costume’ like disrespecting the woman who just turned you down, for whatever reason. Especially if she was polite about it!! That just makes you look like Boo Boo the Fool dressed for school on a Saturday (Get it? See, because Boo Boo the Fool is already foolish, and there’s no school on Saturday, so if he’s dressed for an occassion that isn’t happening on a particular day, then he looks even more foolish. I just made that up all by myself!). A grown man takes his lumps, brushes off his shoulder and moves on with his life because he knows that he’s not a total lameoid, and if one chick don’t want him, another one somewhere will. But if Shawndre’liqua waitin’ for the bus at 18th and Hill Street with 2 strollers and 5 kids is crushing your spirit like that? I’d prescribe you some serious Jesus, ’cause you just may need it.
It’d be more productive if you: Pulled her pigtails and pushed her down by the monkey bars to show her you like her instead of trying to be grown in the first place. Same freakin’ difference, right?
4. The Perpetration: The Dumbest, Most Irrelevant Question Ever
The Typical Script:
him: “Hey, how you doin, you look nice, blah blah blah.”
her: “I’m fine, thank you, blah blah blah.”
him: “You got a phone?”
her: “……”
Why this is unacceptable: Lol. What? Like… what?? What does this have to do with the price of tea in China OR the state of this non-happening affair?? Yeah, I got a phone! I got two phones! No, SEVEN!! Now what? Since I have digits, I automatically throw them to you? Is that how this works?Plus, what if I don’t have a phone?? We in a recession, homie! I struggle with this phone bill EVERY month, and when it gets cut off, I’m sensitive about it and I may or may not want you reminding me of the phone I can’t afford to keep on. So here I am in the middle of the street tryin’ to stave off a nervous breakdown because YO’ insensitive @ss has no couth. Awesome.
It’d be more productive if you: Asked about my stove. Or my refridgerator. Or my dehumidifier. None of that matters, either.
5. The Perpetration: The Drive-By Holla
The Typical Script:
him: *slows down car he’s driving in, rolls down window, yells something unintelligible*
her: “What??”him: *yells whatever he said again*cars in the background: *HONK!* *HOOOONK!!*her: “WHAT??!”
him: “I SAID YOU GOT A FAT @SS, YOU WANT A RIDE??”
Why this is unacceptable: Is there a better way to make a woman walking down the street feel like a prostitute? All I can think of when this happens to me or when I see it happen to someone else is “Hookers at the Point.” Just my luck, if I were to actually approach the car of a drive-by hollerer, I’d get bum rushed by a squad of undercover agents out setting traps for Ladies of the Night. No thank you. Plus that sort of environment is not conducive to a respectable chat at all, and you know what? When you’re yellin’ at me over Gucci Mane across two lanes of traffic from your Honda Civic….I just can’t help but feel like you don’t really give a sh*t what I have to say. Call it hunch.If I was framing this list in order from strongest perpetrations to mildest, this would be higher up on the list because I have seen and been in some truly ridiculous situations. My favorite (note: that is sarcasm) is when dudes drive down the street, turn around and pull up right in front of you, blocking your path until you talk to them. What kinda stalkery sh*t is that??!It’d be more productive if you: Went to the McDonald’s drive-thru and tried to get with whoever’s taking your order. At least you two would be able to hear each other, and you can get some delicious golden fries while you’re there.
6. The Perpetration: Phone Number Theft
Why this is unacceptable: Okay. I was REALLY on the fence about whether or not to include this, because it involves me showcasing my own stupidity to all of the watching interwebs. I have had my telephone number stolen not once, but TWICE in my life (the first time it happened, the dude was barefoot. Didn’t have nary a shoe on. It’s a looooong story that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, lest I be judged from here to Kingdom Come). If you’re unfamiliar with how this goes, it goes like this: Boy meets Girl. Boy somehow gets his hands on Girl’s cell phone. Boy calls himself from Girl’s cellphone. Boy saves Girl’s cellphone number in his own phone.…SON OF A B!TCH!!!!!Now like I said, a portion of this is my fault. I shouldn’t have let said phone number thieves get their ashy, grubby little hands on my phone anyway. But in my defense, these weren’t just random dudes off the street; they were dudes that I at least knew somewhat, and trusted not to go running off with it. Still, I’m dumb for that. Even so, what kind of dumb-faced jerk would even think about doing that??! You don’t get to decide whether or not you get my number, Loser Jenkins!! And how sad is it that this is how you’ve resorted to getting them?? Like, you know off top that nobody’s gonna give you their number, so you just go right to the pick pocketing?? TRAGIC!
It’d be more productive if you: Killed yourself. Expeditiously. If that’s what your life has come to, just hang it up.
Men, if you are doing these things, STOP IT! Ladies, if you are accepting this lameoid behavior from men, YOU STOP IT TOO! It’s your fault as much as theirs! They’re out here in the streets bein’ lame because it’s clearly working on SOME OF YOU! Do better!!!
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Category: Guest Blog
*applause* I must say that I have “fallen” victim to the ‘you can’t have friends?” line more than once, but it was not because I didn’t understand the swindle, or b/c I wanted to encourage it but b/c I didn’t want him to progress to step 3 (sour grapes fleaux) and have me create a scene on a lovely DC sidewalk. No bueno.
This list perfectly describes the ways I am approached 99% of the time. I thought it was just me.
If a man approached you str8 forward the way ya’ll claim we should. It would never work. Men only do this because it works on 99.9% of ya’ll. And if it didn’t, nobody would be in ‘relationships’ right now.