Sarah Palin Wears Bump-its
Luvvie’s intro: Last, but certainly not least for my Guest Bloggers Week is… *drum roll* THEMBI!!! Woop woop woop!!! She is doper than a crack pipe in Frankie’s room, on the corner of a Baltimore street. Yes, she’s awesome. She blogs over at What Would Thembi Do, and got more pop culture knowledge than VH1. So glad to have her on here. Also, follow her on Twitter.
***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK***
Thanks to one of my usual bouts of colored people’s timeliness, I was supposed to submit this side-eye piece early Monday. Thank goodness for my Negro bone, because the extra time I needed to pull myself together allowed me to catch Oprah interviewing Sarah Palin on Monday afternoon. It was a side-eye bonanza!
Like most of you, I’ve thought that Sarah Palin was devil incarnate from jump. She talks funny. She is only called “hot” by the same desperate sounding white men who seem to have been fueling the existences of marginally attractive white women like Sandra Bullock and that chick from Grey’s Anatomy. The names of her children are ridiculous and offensive (Trig? Piper? Willow? Widget? Poppo? John Jacob Jingleheimer? Ok, those last few are fake). Not to mention that her politics stink and I’m convinced that she’s not very bright. But these are all things that we’ve known about Sarah Palin for over a year. In the interest of superficiality, I’d like to officially side-eye America’s favorite bespectacled hockey mom for something more superficial: Sarah Palin shamelessly wears Bumpits.
What’s a “Bumpit”, you ask? Check out the commercial to see how they work:
Ok blackgirls, let’s take ourselves back in the day when French Rolls and Pumps were all the rage. Maybe you rolled up a pantyhose leg, maybe you used a balled up dress sock. But whatever you used, you know you had to do something to fill out that Pump. The Bumpit makes such hoodrat antics obsolete, and has the added benefit of allowing thin-haired women everywhere to substitute Hair Skin and Nail vitamins with a piece of plastic (it comes in four colors!). Sarah Palin may be fooling the rest of America, but you can’t get hair antics like this past me. Now, if Sarah Palin was as smart as she wants to convince us she is, she’d launch a plan to revitalize the economy by selling those same lower-cost rolled up socks and pantyhose for half the price of Bumpits. Homegirl isn’t just failing to brainstorm, she is perpetrating a lie. Side-eye!
Just like any other “As Seen on TV” product, I kind of want a Bumpit even though I have no place to wear it. I won’t front. But Sarah Palin gets the side-eye for writing a book, getting on television, running for an Executive Branch position in government, in fact, for running her mouth, and never once uttering the word “Bumpit” in public. According to my survey of Sarah Palin photos, this woman has ever been seen in public without one. The sad reality is, I’d sit and have a happy hour martini with Sarah Palin, as long as I had time immediately afterward to call up all of my real friends and talk trash about what a mess she is. I’m sure that after a few drinks she’d reveal that she’s pregnant again and plans to name the new baby Bumpit. Until that day, I just can’t respect her, and my eyes are catatonically to the side. Sarah, no one cares about your illegitimate grandson or your plans for 2012. I for one want to explain how you achieve that Jennifer Aniston-y/1950’s housewife type of volume, and I just know it’s thanks to Bumpits. Talk to us Sarah – the people wanna know.
Once again, many thanks to ALL my guest bloggers: Brokey McPoverty, Miss Jia, Leon Scott, Crystal (aka Smashedthehomie), Thembi! Y’all were AWESOME for gracing my eCrib with your presence. I wanted to introduce my readers to these heavy hitting bloggers (in case you didn’t already know them).
Make sure you check out my latest Laptop Lollapolooza Giveaway! I’ll be posting it at 10am CST.