It’s my birthday!!! Let us rejoice!
One score and five years ago, my mother (and I guess my daddy) brought forth on this planet, a new daughter, conceived in awesomeness and dedicated to the proposition that she shall wake up and piss excellence, phoenix feathers and unicorn tears.
*drops down and gets my eagle on*
*does the Bro Franklin*
Woo hoo!!! As if I needed an excuse to party. But yes, it is my big 2-5. I no longer have to pay extra fees to rent a car (if I drove). And umm… hmmm… I think that’s the only extra perk to being 25 as opposed to 24. But I’ll take it. In honor of the occasion, I decided to make a list of presents y’all could get me.
25 things I want for my birthday
1. For Tiger Woods to never appear shirtless on a cover unless he waxes his nipple hair. Don’t nobody wanna see that hairy areola of his. He is TOO rude for that! Why does he think it’s okay to have mini coconuts sitting on his chest? Hell, at quick glance, his nipples looked like roaches. iSquealed.
b. A kente snuggie. Who doesn’t need to be warm while rocking a backwards blanket in a cliched African print. Besides, “Harambe” sounds more powerful when done while donning one of these O__o.
3a. An apology from Chris Brown for his burnt sienna apology blouse. Yeah, I’ve been waiting for a while
IV. A condom company to sponsor Lil Wayne. No seriously. I’m ’bout sicka him and his ghetto twins (children born in the same year to the same father, different mother). I feel like Trojan oughta buy the rights to tattoo their logo on Weezy and follow him around with a box of magnums so he could be safe while partaking in HoSh*t.
5. Idris Elba on my doorstep (you don’t mind, do ya?). We’d just, you know, talk over wine (O__o). As we waxed philosophical about… anything. I just wanna hear his British accent. Plus he’s FAHN!
6h. Amber Rose’s body. Nobody would be able to tell me NOTHING about myself. I’d be walking around with super attitude, wondering why mere mortals had the galls to speak to me. If my body was like Amber’s, I’d walk around with nothing but body paint on & tell folks to call me Mystique
g. For Nigerians to stay out the news for just a little bit. We need to go saddown for a quick minute. We’ve been showing our ASSES (figuratively and literally) lately.
VIII. Any pair of Naughty Monkey shoes. 7.5 please! iLove them!!
9. Things on my Amazon WishList (yes, you can order stuff off it and Amazon will ship it to me. Thanks in advance. Love you much!!!!)
10. For you to tell them that it’s Human Nature. That’s Why. *WALL SLIDES* Why did you have to go, Kang Miko??!??
XI. For Chicago to stop treating me so bad. Single digit temperature? REALLY??? RUDE!!!
12d. World Peace
Mkay, all I want are those 12 things. See? I’m not greedy. I would have added a dereon onesie to my list but I thought that was a given. I could have changed the name of the list too. But no, I kept it.
It’s aight. Y’all ain’t gotta *sniff* get me *sniff* nothing. I’m only your favorite blogger’s favorite Luvvie and stuff. Hehe just kidding. LOVE Y’ALL! You reading my blog is a great gift. (No, but really. What y’all get me?)
So yeah. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!
P.S. Chicago folks, I’mo be hanging at Plush Lounge after work (6-9pm). Come take a swig of Bailey’s with me to celebrate!
P.P.S. CAPRICORNS ROCK! See: Jesus. #CheckMate