VH1 Ruins Lives – Fantasia & Pepa Own my Mondays Now
Who’s life? Mine. See what had happened was, yall remember how I missed the BET Celebration of Gospel and was mad I missed the foolery? Well, I’m no longer mad. That’s because last night’s foolery on TV made up for it twentyfold. Sadly, it wasn’t even BET. Their sisthren in fuckery, VH1, gave us an hour of the best and worst TV ever in “Fantasia is For Real” and “Let’s Talk About Pep.”
Fantasia for Real
I actually like Fantasia, excessively large mouth and all. Even with her lack of reading skills. There’s something endearing about her. So the show started with us being introduced to her whole family, who she single-handedly takes care of. FOUR adults, 1 child and 1 dog. ALL of them depend on Tasia’s income. The only other adult who deserves to mooch is her mother. However, she’s also taking care of her 2 GROWN brothers. Especially her 28yr old brother, Teeny.
In fact, no need for me to even talk about Fantasia in this recap. The REAL star of the show was Teeny. Teeny doesn’t do anything but lay in the pool house all day doing nothing. Well according to him, he “does his music thing.” O__o His wack self even made a recording studio out of the pool house by adding styrofoam pads in the bathroom as th booth. iCan’t.
Finally, half way through the episode, Fantasia tell him he needs to do something productive with himself because she can’t support him anymore. What does Teeny do? That dummy went to test drive a Ferrari! Well, he brought someone along to drive for him, since he doesn’t have a license (yes, he’s 28. No I don’t want to talk about how ridiculous this is). This fool can’t buy no Ferrari! I bet he has a Rush Card. He doesn’t look like he has a bank account. Money order don’t buy Ferraris! *rolls eyes* He got back home and they asked him what he was up to. This fool said “I was window shopping w/ no windows.” He’s missing chromosome 21. I just KNOWED IT!
The show ended with Teeny literally ripping up the pool house because he “needs a change” and wants to turn it into a “Cosmic recording studio.” That boy is DUMB AS HELL. iHate Teeny and everything his belligerent lifespace ever stands for. I really do! But I will be watching next week. Hopefully, Fantasia kicks his mooch ass out!
Oh and raise your hand if you know a Teeny or two in real life. *looks around* *raises hand slowly* I AIN’T THE ONLY ONE!
Let’s Talk About Pepa
Right after Fantasia’s show was Pepa’s Black version of “Sex and the City.”. Pepa and her bird beak… I mean, nose are looking to date, since she’s been single and celibate for four years.
Pepa and her 3 women sat at brunch and started talking about their dates. One of those women was Jacque Reid, formerly of BET news. Her descent to VH1 is tragical (yes, tragical). Who else is sad that Jacque Reid can’t get no job & has sold her soul to VH1 (aka the other devil)? *Celie Sad Face* Jacque Reid is the poor man’s Tamron Hall who is the homeless man’s Halle Berry. Po’ thang…
Jacque wants to have a baby, because her eggs are turning to hard-boiled. So she’s on the prowl for a sperm donor. Who does she decide to ask? FAHN ass Lamman Rucker. Them dimples? Yeah, I’d go there. But to ask him for his sperm? Wowzers! But she asked and he didn’t go running the other direction. He said he’d actually consider it. Oooo he fahn AND sensitive. But I shook my head at Jacque.
One of Pep’s friends, the Samantha of the group, went on a date with this odd business man with a foot fetish. He instructed her to put her feet on his lap during dinner so he could appreciate them. She did it too. Eewwww. It was at a nice restaurant. Don’t be doing that! Then they went to a strip club, where she proceeded to drop down and get her eagle on as he made it lightly drizzle on her back. So uncouth. The piece de resistance came when they were heading home and he proceeded to lick her toes, telling her “Your toes taste like meatloaf.” O__O Excuse me as I UPCHUCK! How is being told that one’s feet smells like beef a compliment? iCan’t. Just UN.COUTH.
Finally, Pep’s date was the reason why I spent a FULL 30 minutes after the show was off cackling like a banshee and laughing myself stupid. First of all, her date was rocking an S-Curl. His soul is gloing TOO hard. Ol’ Stay sof Fro face. He looked like he could be Aaron Neville’s son. I kept looking for a mole on his face to poke with a stick and a schmedium polyurethane shirt for him to bust out of.
Their date was uneventful until he took Pep to a hotel and got her a bathing suit to change into, so they could get into a hot tub. I noticed that Pep got a tattoo over her childbirth stomach scars. She’s so innovative. She DOES push it. The envelope, that is. Zing! Huzzah! LOL
Pep mentioned to him that she was 4 years celibate, so there won’t be any hanky panky going. Why does Pep have on a chastity belt (figuratively)? Aint like she protecting her virginity. That boat sailed w/ the Titanic. And sank… but that’s neither here nor there. Anywho, they get in the hot tub, and homeboy got candles all on the edges of the tub.
This is where they should have played foreboding music. Pep and Aaron Neville Jr. are making out and sucking face on the edge when all of a sudden, homeboy turns around and his hair is smoking.
HERE is where the REAL Luvvie stopped existing. My phantom took over as my soul left me. I SURELY flatlined! Did this negro’s curl just CATCH FIRE?!?!?! Aaron Neville Jr.’s hair caught FAH! Your soul ain’t posed to glo near open flames! This dude had a Disco Inferno on his head. Bury me in a unflammable snuggie. *falls out chair* *WALL SLIDE* VH1 will be sent my funegro bills. They are the reason for my early demise.
The show ended here but my cackles continued for another 30 minutes, as I fell out multiple times and laughed myself STOOPID! I was TRULY beside myself in hysterics. Like really.
1st Teeny and his moot lifespace. Then Pep’s bird beak nose. Which gave way to Jacque Reid trying to Hire-A-Sperm which then led to FireScalp. VH1′s depth of foolery was unmet yesterday. It was the best hour of TV and the worst at the same time. As I laughed heartily, I shook my head.
My Monday nights are booked from now until these shows end. And as a result, I’ve concluded that VH1 ruins lives. Prove me wrong.
Did I leave something out? Who else almost ruptured a spleen CRYING laughing at all this foolery? Oh… just me? Well then…