I read an article the other about a 9-year-old Chinese girl who gave birth 2 weeks ago and my mouth dropped to the floor. What in the deuce?!? A 9-yr old having a baby? Of course this REEKS of some foul play but it got me to thinking. What is this world COMING to? At 9 years old, babies were the last things on my mind. At 9, I still thought boys had cooties. I was still busy bugging my mama to buy me erasable pens (with its fickle ink). Not birthing no babies!!! At 9yrs old, I was still putting Elmer’s Glue on my palm so I could peel it off. THAT was my pasttime. Not grinding on boys.
Sidenote: Tell me y’all aint enjoy when the school glue would get messy and you had to spend 10mins peeling the glue off your fingers and hands. Oh. Just me??? O__O
Also, I’m a fan of that MTV show “16 & Pregnant.” They’ve featured some of the most shallow teenaged girls on there, who found themselves pregnant and mostly not ready to be mothers. Some of these girls are RIDICULOUS dumb. Like the one who was 8 months pregnant and went clubbing with her friends. Her mother asked her why she was going out, and the belligerent dummy replied talmbout “Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t go out.” O_____O I wanted to reach through the TV and slap her silly.
What would I do if my teenage daughter was to come home pregnant? First, I’d pass CLEAN out and wail and lament to the Lord, asking where I went wrong as a parent. And I’d also ask whether it’s punishment for all my years of roasting folks. Then I’d bust into an epic *WALL SLIDE.* Then I’d tell my child that above all, she was being selfish, turning me into a Grannie before my time. And then I’d say “You see this fabulousity? Ain’t nobody ‘sposed to call me Granny for AT LEAST 10 yrs.” It’d be turrble.
For me, having a child as a teen wasnt an option. I’d shame my whole family and ancestors. Africans aren’t having that! Your actions are KNOWN to reflect on not just you or your parents, but everyone who is behind you. I never got “the talk” but knowing that a large group of people would be sooo disappointed scared me straight enough. I am NOT bold. Boys??? NAW MAN! I’ll pass. Shoot… My mama woulda promptly send me back to Naija to get my life in order. #NoMamNoGirl
In High School, I told my mom a classmate of mine was preggo and she went: “EH!!! What are her parents going to do? You betta not talk to her!” I wanted to tell Mom “Umm… pregnancy isnt contagious” but I also valued the taste in my mouth so I jus sharraped and shrugged.
Another thing: I really dont understand why urban youths buy their babies expensive shoes. Why is your baby 2 months rocking hard bottom timbs or Jordans? Unless you can REALLY afford to spend $200 on shoes your baby can wear for 3 days, why is a 2-wk old rocking jordan’s? WHY PRAY TELL???
In fact, if you’re buying your baby some hard bottom shoes before they learn to walk, it can mess up their foot arches. Get them some Robeez and call it a day! They say children who can’t walk are best left in socks or barefoot (if at home) or in soft shoes. Timbs for babies are BAD. #DontDoIt
<—Dopest baby kicks! All they need before they can walk. Yes, Robeez. You can PayPal me some Dereon dollars for this advertisement. If y’all don’t PayPal me, I’ll have to tell folks they have knockoffs at WalMart and Target. Oh wait… I just did. WOMP.
If you’re an urban youth, still in high school, with a baby in Gucci shoes, you need your tubes forcibly tied. Clearly, you’ve got wrong priorities. *urban youth high-pitched squeal “YALL SEE MY BABY’S FIT?!? HE RAW AINT HE??? He keep it one hunnid! *pops gum*” O___O #GoToClass. Babies walking ’round with Coogi outfits on but they’re eating generic enfamil because “that stuff too expensive.” GTFOH.
Or the urban youth fathers: “Man, I DO for my son. I just bought him a pair of Ones LAST WEEK! What else she want from me?!?” O__O
Until my kids can WALK, they will not be getting anything name brand (unless someone else buys it for em). Shoo… even then. Children’s Place FTW!!! I love Children’s place. My niece’s whole wardrobe is from there. I’m a VIP there lol. Like Norm from Cheers. “Luvvie!!!”
Even when my kids are grown and they’re like “Can we get the new *insert popular designer shirt* here?* I’mo make them a Gordon Gartrell. “This is nice too!” o__O LOL I’mo be so turrble!
Moral of this story: Put the fear of the ancestors in your children so they don’t come home preggo. If you buy Gucci for your baby and you’re still in high school, you’re a dummy. Don’t get kids until you’re done running the streets.
So… what would Y’ALL do if your teenager ended up preggo? Would you *WALL SLIDE?* What does one do?
Edit: The comments under this post have pretty much murked my soul. iCan’t go on. THIS one and THIS especially. WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?