Dear Lindsay Lohan, You Look Old
I came across a picture of Lindsay Lohan yesterday, and promptly made it my Twitter background because it made me cackle SO loudly, that I didn’t know what to do with myself. After that happened, and people clicked on my Twitter page, they quit me for not warning them. But yeah, Lindsay Lohan has earned this sternly-worded letter.
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
How did you get here? You were sooo cute in Parent Trap, with your innocent smiling face and those adorable freckles. It was like someone combed Pippy Longstocking’s hair and brought her to life. SO cute!
And then… things went down the drain. You started hanging out with the likes of Britney Spears (during the K-Fed era), Paris Hilton (and her stash of Valtrex) and Nicole Richie (who never saw a sammich she liked. Dang that chick is skinty!). I’m not saying they caused your problems, but I am saying you four were a crew that epitomized bad influence. You were a Quad of Quite Bad Decisions.
Anywho, then came all the bad stuff. You started getting skintier by the day. You were never a size 0. You had a little baby fat on you and it was fine. Next thing I see, you’re looking like Amy Winehouse’s red-headed stepsister with lice (and we already KNOW how Amy is). Everywhere you went, you shunned drawers and made it a point to let us know about it. I can’t count how many pictures I came across perusing TMZ, with your unloved Love Pocket exposed to the world. This is when you earned the horrible (yes hilarious) nickname, Firecrotch. I hope they used it just because your drapes matched your carpet. But I’m afraid it was for another reason (*cue “Great Balls of Fire” instrumental). I’m just saying. I’m hoping that firecrotch wasn’t burning with the gift that keeps on giving. That’ll be turrble.
Wait… where was I?
Oh yes. I could create a little list of things you’ve done in the past 5 yrs that have been out of pocket but I don’t wanna turn this into a tome the size of the Dead Sea Scrolls. I just know that countless DUIs (including one where you apparently kidnapped 3 Black men), your lesbian phase (that ended up in your ex-girlfriend’s family looking to get a restraining order on you), and your obvious abuse of coke, HERE YOU ARE.
Yes, we’re aware that your daddy ain’t worth the stuff in my niece’s diaper after she just ate beans and yogurt. And your mother… well, she’s not much of a pillar to hold on to either. Some folks have to find a way to make do IN SPITE of the dysfunction they come from.
Honestly, LiLo, I had even slightly forgotten that you existed for a minute because I haven’t seen you work in a long while. Until I saw this picture yesterday…
GAHTDAMBBB dawg!!! What in the deuce happened to you? You about kilt me dead when I saw the picture of you. You looked at least two hours post-mortem. Seriously. That picture will haunt my hopes and dreams, and no unicorn could protect me.
You look dried up, like a dream deferred. *cues violins* You look like life dragged you through a crackhouse and left you there. You look like a Golden Girl reject. Even Dorothy and Sofia ain’t look this beat up. You look like you’ve been dropkicked through the goalposts of life! Just… DAMB, Lindsay.
After I laughed until my tummy hurt, and had to compose myself, I did feel bad. I did.
If you see this picture of yourself and it doesn’t force you into sobriety from all your vices, I’m not sure what can. That image is a reality b*tch slap. Every cigarette you’ve chain smoked, all the cocaine you’ve snorted and all the alcohol in your blood has made your face look like a wrinkled shirt.
So Lindsay, I hope you’re getting yourself in order. Let’s not have another picture like this one. It’s so scary that Beetlejuice went and ducked behind the Lochness Monster who was hiding behind Bigfoot.
I’d insert XOXO here but hugs and kisses to you ain’t what I’d wanna do. Um… let’s do
Air Kisses from afar,
P.S. Yes, air kisses works.
Oh, and here are some of the tweets from my Twitfam. They’re foolish.
iCan’t with none of y’all!!!
Ok so methinks what Lindsay needs is prayer and some holy water. I threw some Holy Water at my screen but that eye was still wonky. And since I’ve been acting such a complete fool lately, the Big Man may give me the side-eye if I try to do pray on her behalf. Y’all can leave comments of prayer for the child.