Dear Lindsay Lohan, You Look Old

[ 25 ] February 24, 2010 |

I came across a picture of Lindsay Lohan yesterday, and promptly made it my Twitter background because it made me cackle SO loudly, that I didn’t know what to do with myself. After that happened, and people clicked on my Twitter page, they quit me for not warning them. But yeah, Lindsay Lohan has earned this sternly-worded letter.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

How did you get here? You were sooo cute in Parent Trap, with your innocent smiling face and those adorable freckles. It was like someone combed Pippy Longstocking’s hair and brought her to life. SO cute!

And then… things went down the drain. You started hanging out with the likes of Britney Spears (during the K-Fed era), Paris Hilton (and her stash of Valtrex) and Nicole Richie (who never saw a sammich she liked. Dang that chick is skinty!). I’m not saying they caused your problems, but I am saying you four were a crew that epitomized bad influence. You were a Quad of Quite Bad Decisions.

Anywho, then came all the bad stuff. You started getting skintier by the day. You were never a size 0. You had a little baby fat on you and it was fine. Next thing I see, you’re looking like Amy Winehouse’s red-headed stepsister with lice (and we already KNOW how Amy is). Everywhere you went, you shunned drawers and made it a point to let us know about it. I can’t count how many pictures I came across perusing TMZ, with your unloved Love Pocket exposed to the world. This is when you earned the horrible (yes hilarious) nickname, Firecrotch. I hope they used it just because your drapes matched your carpet. But I’m afraid it was for another reason (*cue “Great Balls of Fire” instrumental). I’m just saying. I’m hoping that firecrotch wasn’t burning with the gift that keeps on giving. That’ll be turrble.

Wait… where was I?

Oh yes. I could create a little list of things you’ve done in the past 5 yrs that have been out of pocket but I don’t wanna turn this into a tome the size of the Dead Sea Scrolls. I just know that countless DUIs (including one where you apparently kidnapped 3 Black men), your lesbian phase (that ended up in your ex-girlfriend’s family looking to get a restraining order on you), and your obvious abuse of coke, HERE YOU ARE.

Yes, we’re aware that your daddy ain’t worth the stuff in my niece’s diaper after she just ate beans and yogurt. And your mother… well, she’s not much of a pillar to hold on to either. Some folks have to find a way to make do IN SPITE of the dysfunction they come from.

Honestly, LiLo, I had even slightly forgotten that you existed for a minute because I haven’t seen you work in a long while. Until I saw this picture yesterday…

*faints* That twitchy eye just DID me in!

GAHTDAMBBB dawg!!! What in the deuce happened to you? You about kilt me dead when I saw the picture of you. You looked at least two hours post-mortem. Seriously. That picture will haunt my hopes and dreams, and no unicorn could protect me.

You look dried up, like a dream deferred. *cues violins* You look like life dragged you through a crackhouse and left you there. You look like a Golden Girl reject. Even Dorothy and Sofia ain’t look this beat up. You look like you’ve been dropkicked through the goalposts of life! Just… DAMB, Lindsay.

After I laughed until my tummy hurt, and had to compose myself, I did feel bad. I did.

If you see this picture of yourself and it doesn’t force you into sobriety from all your vices, I’m not sure what can. That image is a reality b*tch slap. Every cigarette you’ve chain smoked, all the cocaine you’ve snorted and all the alcohol in your blood has made your face look like a wrinkled shirt.

So Lindsay, I hope you’re getting yourself in order. Let’s not have another picture like this one. It’s so scary that Beetlejuice went and ducked behind the Lochness Monster who was hiding behind Bigfoot.

I’d insert XOXO here but hugs and kisses to you ain’t what I’d wanna do. Um… let’s do

Air Kisses from afar,


P.S. Yes, air kisses works.

Oh, and here are some of the tweets from my Twitfam. They’re foolish.

iCan’t with none of y’all!!!

Ok so methinks what Lindsay needs is prayer and some holy water. I threw some Holy Water at my screen but that eye was still wonky. And since I’ve been acting such a complete fool lately, the Big Man may give me the side-eye if I try to do pray on her behalf. Y’all can leave comments of prayer for the child.

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Category: Famous folks, Letter

Comments (25)

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  1. @myzdevyneone says:

    JUST when I got my life together, resurrected from the DEATH BY IGNANCE you gave me yesterday, you don' KILT me again with this post! WHY must you slay me so!?!? You, & your crew of ragtag IG-nificent homies in the comments from your twitter page! iCAN'T w/NUNNA ya'll!
    *looks up at the pic of LiLo again*
    THE EYE!!! JEEBUS! Lawd, be some rehab, a premature facelift and some self esteem for that child! She is in ALL KINDS OF SHAMBLES about the face!!

  2. HighQuality08 says:

    I AM DEAD. This is why I dont read your blog in public. I'm in the library laughing so loudly, people are asking me if I'm okay. My response? "NO IM NOT OKAY! I AM DEAD" lol

  3. @Miss_Mielle says:

    How does one manage a raised eyebrow and a droopy eyelid simultaneously? Is this Guiness-worthy? I didn't realize this was anatomically possible. Donatella looks bad, but you can also gauge Dona's age within a decade. LiLo looks ready to collect a pension! Poor lil Tink-Tink. :-(

  4. amymay117 says:

    Okaay? How did she do that?

  5. amymay117 says:

    Dear Lawd,

    Please be a facial and some common sense for LiLo. Help her face the tragedy that her face has become.

    And don't be hard on Luv, Jesus… she roasts b/c she luvs (at least that's what she SAYS..). Hear her prayers, and bless her with a never ending rice buffet and fierce pumps for every day of the year.

    Amens. Amens.
    Your Pal,

  6. Cheekie says:

    Yeah, just saw this hot mess yesterday on Bossip. Like, they should post her pic at rehab clinics around the world with the caption "The Road to Sobriety". Naw, the D.A.R.E. Team should wear t-shirts with her picture when they go speak at grammar schools. She looks like the third cousin twice removed of the crypt keeper in the wintertime. GAH!

    Po' Po' LiLo. I also thought she was tres cute in The Parent Trap. I can't even asked "What Happened?" because for the sake of my soul, I don't want to know.

  7. Execumama says:

    You've got it all wrong. She's in character for her newest role as an old person working on a mean side-eye glare. You didn't know?

    Seriously though, it's sad. She's a young girl with some talent, and it's crazy how they just nose dive into foolishness, then spend years trying to get their lives back.

  8. BlackBerry Molasses says:

    Lookit poor LiLo lookin' all casket ready about the face! She needs more than Holy Water. At this point she needs the Ark of the Covenant, The Blood of the Lamb, and the angel that was in the furnace with Shadrach Mesach and Abednego For reals.

  9. @mdrwhitener says:

    iDied, and it's ALL your fault! I agree…LiLo needs some holy water…A TUB FULL!! She needs to go skinny dipping in it. Doggy paddle in it. Front stroke. Breast stroke. Marco Polo. A COMPLETE immersion is needed, STAT. About the wonky eye…I got no words. If she's going to keep the wonky eye, she needs to invest in an eye patch. Also, I think she's the love child of Madonna and Boy George. She looks like her mom, but acts like her dad *wink wink* (but not with the wonky eye).

  10. Tea says:

    "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't go out."

    She said what now? Aw hecky naw Joe. If my teenage daughter got pregnat I'd beat her like Diahann Carroll did her daughter in Claudine. I'm ok with unwed preganancies, but teenage… in 2010. That's not what's up!

  11. miss t-lee says:

    I just wanna know how she is managing to look 20 years older than me when I'm only 9 years older than her.
    That hard living will getcha erry time!

  12. Tiffany says:

    OMG, I couldn't stop laughing when I saw this picture. She looks like she is about 45 years old and is drunk. Well any guy interested should know that this is what she is going to look like when she gets older.


  13. Luvvie says:

    BWAHAHAHHAA!!! Whatchu expect by coming to my blog? Something sensible? SURELY not!

  14. Luvvie says:

    LMAO! I hope u aint get put out!

  15. Luvvie says:

    "How does one manage a raised eyebrow and a droopy eyelid simultaneously?"

    One word: Cocaine

  16. Luvvie says:

    This was a beautimously ignificent prayer. Amen.

  17. Luvvie says:

    "She looks like the third cousin twice removed of the crypt keeper in the wintertime."

    DEAD! <– as in Me. Well, and her too.

  18. Luvvie says:

    Yeah I hope she gets it 2gether soon. LAWD!

  19. Luvvie says:

    BBMo, iQuit u! U ain't bring Shadrach and his cronies into this. LMAO!!!

  20. Luvvie says:

    LOL @ u for commenting on the wrong post. You meant the one before this one.

  21. Luvvie says:

    EVERY single time!

  22. amymay117 says:

    AND the Ark of the Covenant!! The actual ARK of the Covenant…

  23. @YoDeVa says:

    Older???? This what she looks like NOW! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!

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