Dear Stevie Wonder, Fire your Team

[ 41 ] February 5, 2010 |

So there other day, I watched the BET Honors, which gave awards to 5 people for their achievements in education, music, business etc. Honored included Queen Latifah, Whitney Houston and Diddy and 2 others. Stevie Wonder was all up through the show performing. He must have been up there at least 4 times. This is when I realized that I’ve had a bone to pick with Stevie for a while. So he is the recipient of this week’s sternly-worded letter.

But before I start, READ IT ALL! I ain’t sitting here talking about his blindness. So all of ya who are ready to hop up. Saddown and calm your nerves. I think I stayed respectful. With that being said, let’s carry on.

Dear Stevie Wonder,

Hey Stevie, hey. Can we talk for a minute? You’re a legend. Icon. Superstar. You’ve had staying power unseen in the music industry, save a few people. You are definitely wonderous. *sigh* But I do have some suggestions for you. No I don’t have any qualifications to warrant my unsolicited advise. I’m just a small time blogger in a big time world. But I just love you, Stevie and I got your back. So please listen to me. Look behind the IG. I mean it. My advise?

Fire your PR team, stylists and handlers. Not now. But RIGHT NOW! They don’t wish you well. No really. I mean it. Fire every single person. From your agent who books your gigs to the stylist. ALL of them HAVE to go immejately!

So here’s the thing, Stevie. I’m not here to make blind jokes, because ain’t much funny about that. In fact, NOTHING is funny about it. It’s taken nothing away from your musical genius. May have even added to it. So understand that this is coming from my purest heartspace. With that being said, let me continue.

My first gripe is with your style team. Why haven’t they informed you that your hairline jumped ship a long time ago??? Your hairline don ran underground with Araminta Ross aka Harriet, and no one told you yet. It’s wading in the water but no one has let you know. This is RUDE AS HELL of them! I’m REALLY mad at your stylists for this because when you first came out in the 70s, your cornrows were TIGHT, FLY and FRESH!!!

Sidenote but related: Does Stevie have braids or locs? I can’t qwat figure it out and it perplexes me. Do y’all know?

But your stylists have let you rock the same hairdo since then, but the difference is that your hairline has receded by 75%. Are they braids or locs? It doesn’t matter since it’s neither here nor there (coincidentally like… *pause* that hairline). This just ain’t fair to you, Stevie. It just ain’t! Fine, I will give them props for no longer including the beads. That is progress. You deserve BETTER, Stevie. You do!

stevie wonder before after
I’mo leave this caption to y’all. *stifling comment about taller forehead*

This SAME stylist team dress you all kinds of ways sometimes too, Stevie. ALL kinds! You’ve been known to show up places with a sequined jacket on sometimes, with colors that make Joseph’s technicolor coat seem neutral. I just shake my head like “Come on!!!” At this year’s BET Honors, they had you in a blazer with tiger striped sleeves. I wondered if your team signed a deal with the House of Dereon Mufasa Men’s 2010 Fall Collection. It was out of order, Stevie. It really was. Why do they do you like this???

Above all, Stevie. I need you to fire your PR team and agent because they do you worst of all. You are an icon, Stevie!!! A DOGGONE icon! You ought to be treated as such. Why are you allowing them to book you for ANY ol’ gig you’re offered?

Your PR Team: “Mr. Wonder, you’re singing at the Harpo’s Juke Joint tomorrow behind Shug. You free?”
You: “Sho’ll am!

Stevie, please have some standards about you. You’re on everybody’s stage, looking like a part of the house band. You’d probably accept the gig to be the Awards Show Sandman Sam, playing the piano when people’s speeches get too long. You’d perform at the Greek stepshow if they asked you to. A mess!

Last year’s Grammy Awards, they had you performing as backup to the Jonas Brothers (aka Hanson 2.0). THE GAHTDAMB JONAS BROTHERS!!! What in the holy legendary hell??? I was horrified. How dare they have you playing next to those Tweenyboppers? You got toe nails older than them! That’s like Patti LaBelle singing behind Rihanna. Or Toni Morrison accepting writing tips from Sister Souljah and Zane. Music WEPT! iCant. iWont. iShant. iReject it.

Then this year’s BET Honors, you were all up through there, singing with Trey Songz. At one point, Trey even had you scatting to “I invented Sex.” *WALL SLIDE* Stevie… I say STEVIE!!! You will NOT be following Trey Songz’s lead. YOU ARE A LEGEND! You’re not supposed to be doing alla this with these young’uns.

Anyway, Stevie, oh Wondrous one. I’ont like how you’re being disrespected all over the place in this manner. Why are they treating the legendary Mr. Wonder like a deaf, mute, blind AND paraplegic stepchild with lice? I shake my fists VIGOROUSLY at the team you surround yourself with.

You’ve put in WORK all these years like no other, and have earned the right to be choosy. Please learn to take a page from Julez’s book and say “No Thanks” sometime. If Diddy can have an umbrella holder, and he ain’t even a legend, you can have someone who will look out for you and let you know when a gig isn’t to your caliber.

That’s all I’m saying, Mr. Wonder. That’s all I’m saying. Look around you and cut that grass so you can see them snakes you pay. O__O

Yours in stanhood,

LuvMuffin

P.S. And yes, I will b*tch and moan about this EVERYtime I see you on TV.

P.P.S. You got new music coming out soon? Would love to hear something new. I mean, I still rock to “Cherie Amour” an’ em but we could use some new tunes. PLLLEEAASSEE? :-D

Edit: Lawd, the folks on Twitter don KILT me already with the hairline jokes! I’m tryna get their tweeting selves to leave their jokes here as comments. But lawd knows my Twitfam don’t listen. O__O

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Category: Famous folks, Letter

Comments (41)

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  1. @Lurrelle says:

    So you just gon talk shit about Stevie??? Like he know instead of tweed he got on 2 parts brush cotton and corduroys!?! YOU ARE RUDE!!!!

  2. @Lurrelle says:

    Why do I keep reading this, cracking up??? I HATE CHU!

    Stevie: My hair has really grown huh?
    Me: Nah dawg…yo brocs (braids and locs) just sliding down off'o your hairline… *smh*

    iQuit chu Luvvie! You dumb as hayle! LMAO.

  3. @AlejandroDaGr8 says:

    Jesus just voided my halo & XXL angel wings, removed his fence from around me and DE-friended me for laughin @ this damn blog … 'At one point, Trey even had you scatting to "I invented Sex." *WALL SLIDE* Stevie' … *DEAD* … *COFFIN* … I def. agree with Lurrelle … You & your eKente clothwear/incense-dipped braidlettes are RUDE!

  4. TBGS says:

    Gurl, I've often wondered whether Stevie's styling team is laughing straight to the bank and recycling stuff from decades earlier. They got my man looking questionable time and again. So I agree they gotta get the boot–unless of course The Wonderous One has set the fashion direction himself. As in
    He says, "These braids are HOT." They say, "Umm okay."

    Anyway, you may have to invent something more dramatic than a *WALL SLIDE* to describe just how horrid is to see a musical legend crooning alongside a lightweight like Trey Songz. They should Stop, Drop and Hit the Road. Pronto. Or next year The Wonderous One will be singing "You're a Jerk" with The New Boyz. Can you imagine?

  5. amymay117 says:

    *blink*
    *deep breath*
    Luv, I haven't commented in a looooooong time, but this mess here…. I mean this mess right HERE…..
    iCan't w/ you tonight!

  6. NuBeauti says:

    OMG! I am so glad somebody put it out there. My sister and I were ROTFLOAO as we spoke on the phone about how Stevie was looking that night. I mentioned the hairline and the clothes. I told her that he need to fire his stylist. So I concur! Girl I have laughed so hard at this blog! Thanks for keeping it real!

    "Why haven't they informed you that your hairline jumped ship a long time ago??? Your hairline don ran underground with Araminta Ross aka Harriet, and no one told you yet. It's wading in the water but no one has let you know. This is RUDE AS HELL of them!" **Stick a fork in me because I am DONE!**

  7. whit says:

    so rude so true

  8. Peoplz says:

    I LOVE U LUVVIE! lmao u give me life…. this is sooooooooo very TRUE!

  9. UH NONNUH MUSS. says:

    posting here because you said to…I think he needs to fire whatever barber he has too, cuz…yeah…pubic hair goatees? Not so cool. (Anon because I kinda have a music career here…*salty glare*)

  10. Peoplz says:

    bwuahahahaah @ Pubic Hair Goateee *wall slide*

  11. @DaSmokingAce says:

    Stevie doing backup for Trey Songz is really sad. To top it all off, it really make R. Kelly comments about Trey Songz look pitiful and true. You will have to listen to the R. Kelly comments about young R&B singers on Youtube to figure what I am saying.

  12. Ms. Smart says:

    I think Stevie tweeted about firing people. But I'm not sure. Can't seem to decode it.

  13. K to the... says:

    "Look around you and cut that grass so you can see them snakes you pay."

    You know you are rude as aitch for saying "see them snakes." lol

    Sir Stevie is supposed to be an honoroary Phi Beta Sigma. So you might be right about him performing at a step show. Honestly, I'd like him to perform at my funegro. Immortalize me like I'm MiJac!

  14. K to the... says:

    I saw that ish too…he's the first black person to tweet Braille!

    *Black History Month*

  15. miss t-lee says:

    "House of Dereon Mufasa Men's 2010 Fall Collection"

    This right here?!?!
    I quit this MF'er….*cackles*

  16. Luvvie says:

    *dead* OMG! Not brushed cotton! You sooo dumb!

  17. Luvvie says:

    iHateCHU for this comment. Why u gotta talk bout his hairline receding into the sea, like California?

  18. Luvvie says:

    LMAO!!! You rude as hell for laughing at this. This was a serious PLEA to Stevie. I'm just looking out for the man.

  19. Luvvie says:

    Even if th Wonderous one tells them "These braids are hot!" they oughta be like "Umm… about that…. O__O" Don't be lying to the man!

  20. Luvvie says:

    What I do??? *angel face* ^_^

  21. Luvvie says:

    Glad u feel me! Shoo… I speak niuffin but truth an try to shame the devil to Dereon hell!

  22. Luvvie says:

    I'm not rude. I just speak covert truths in overt ways. Well, u right. I am rude.

  23. Luvvie says:

    Peepohz!!! I love ya back! :-D

  24. Luvvie says:

    pubic hair goatee??? *faints* iCannot!!

  25. Luvvie says:

    Umm… FedEX jus sent me the tracking number to ur gasoline drawers. It's being overnighted. lol

  26. Heaven says:

    LMAO! Thank you for saying what we all wanted to say! But don't fire the stylist, fire his wack ass WIFE! That bish know her man lookin' a fiery hot mess! And what bout them 7 kids he got? He need to cut the purse strings on all they asses! Got they daddy out there lookin a damn fool! He made a song for Aisha and she let him look like who dun it what for & why? Beat that bish ass!

    *side note – Luvvie you gone make me come back to Twitter again. I was boycottin' they asses but you havin too much fun, Imma hafta follow you! LOL*

    • Dinasty2.0 says:

      You know what…. LMAO!!! His entire family should not be letting him go out the way they do. They kiki-ing it up behind his back.

  27. Liryc says:

    iLIVE!!! Luvvie.. you know I can't with you! this post right here, this post right here!! Damn damn damn!!!!

    Immo have to get back to you on this cause I think my cat needs to use the computer.. cause I need to crawl into a ball and reflect on this here post!

  28. Ms. Smart says:

    I immediately thought about this post when I saw Stevie Wonder in that VW commercial. How da hell can Stevie know what color a car is?

  29. Heaven says:

    @ Ms. Smart – me too! The whole reason I came to this post today was to see if anyone else saw that commercial. lol

  30. amymay117 says:

    O_o

  31. THE Chocolate Bride says:

    You know you a mess, right? BWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!LOLOLOL! Luvvie…go stand in the corner and stay there until I come get you.

  32. So Flyy says:

    Omg. Let me tell you how this just killed me. I love it. Absolutely fuxking love it. New fan fo’ life ’round these parts.

  33. Ok, I see you are a Stevie fan – dig that.
    And I know this letter is done in all satire, but the BET Honors was NOT that bad! C’mon! Everybody wants to be relevant. His ppl & BET decided to pair him with Trey Songz to get these 106ers hip to the game. Yes, Stevie is a legend, but there is nothing wrong with him stepping down from his throne to kick it with a current R&B star, no? I’m sure ppl rolled their eyes when Stevie recorded a duet with Michael Jackson on Jackson’s Bad Album, but in retrospect, is anyone still mad?
    Just my 2 cents :)

  34. lilbit'oluck says:

    YOU are the reason I keep an extra mouse around…..I keep throwin them bishes across the room *throws it*

  35. That Dude says:

    I wondered if your team signed a deal with the House of Dereon Mufasa Men’s 2010 Fall Collection.

    iCannot! They’ve still stuck around doe…

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