Grammys: Another Day, Another Wack Awards

[ 16 ] February 1, 2010 |

*Sigh* The Grammy Awards was as disappointing as a snowed in birthday after you’ve been promised a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s with extra tokens. I hosted a live-tweeting party, and kicked it with my Twitfam like I do for stuff like this. That made it bearable. Overall, the Grammys was boring. Only thing that made it interesting were the comments from my Twitfam. Another day, another wack awards show. I never seem to learn either. I be genuinely disappointed after each one. Why I don’t expect wackness is beyond me.

Anyway, this post is a doozer. Y’ALL BETTER READ THE WHOLE THING TOO!!! Shoot… I put in work! LOL.

Oh, and I got all these pics from NecoleBitchie.com. ALL of them. So I give her credit (and props).

Here goes nothing/something.

First up was Lady Gaga‘s performance. She came out in some uber-crazy outfit, per usual and scared the crap outta me. Yes Gaga has a dope voice. But I jus want to throw holy water at her and scream “The power of Christ compels you!!!” Scary as all to be. She then disappeared for 10 secs and came out playing a piano with Elton John, both of them looking dusty, like extras in “Oliver Twist.” I didn’t get it but iLove that femme Brit, Elton.

See why Gaga scares me???

After, Steve Colbert came on the stage and slayed. When he said “Justin brought sexyback but Susan Boyle sent it away again,” iDied. And the piece de resistance came when he was presenting the award and didn’t know where his nominees list was. Then he went “It’s on my… *pause* iPad” and pulled it out his jacket. HA! When white men are funny, they are extra funny. When they’re not, they’re Seinfeld.

*INSERT performance by people I don’t know or gibbadamb about here.* This was my first of many trips to the kitchen. i asked my Twitfam “Y’all want something?” Them fools asked me to bring back beer, PB&J sammiches, neckbones. koolaid and oreos. HOT MESSES!

The performance ended and “Single Ladies” won an award that was accepted by a trio of gays. Twitter started cracking up. Of COURSE that song was written by gay men. Is it not an anthem? Check YouTube for the million spoof vids.

*INSERT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE I COULD DO WITHOUT HERE* Trip 2 to the kitchen. It was some sort of musical. Can’t remember the name. Don’t care to. I like musicals just like the next Gay man, but I ain’t watching the Grammy’s for that. Hell. I can watch Sound of Music. I got the DVD.

Then came Queen Yawnce‘s performance, complete with random all-black everything army men. I was expecting them to strip down into onesies like they were supposed to but that never came. I was getting ready to *leyomi drop* and everything. Until she balladeered it up with “If I Were A Boy.” O__O She then proceeded to perform part of Alanis Morrisette’s “You oughta know.” I. WAS. LOST. Then came the vigorous hair spinning. While grinding on the floor. Bey!! What in the hell??? Is YOU ALRIGHT? Have you been hanging with that heathen, Gaga? Is THAT it??? Jay, getcho wife. Lawd, she did THE MOSTEST!

Moving on…

Next came Seal (and his uber-virile self) to introduce Pink. She came out in some white hooded smock, looking like Mother Theresa’s bad ass prodigal daughter. She too sang a ballad and I started to wonder why everyone’s mics seemed to be weeping. Y’all better perk up! Shoo! Pink dropped the smock and was in a nude/white ribbon onesie of some sort. I prayed that nipplage didn’t peek out from under them ribbons.

She proceeded to then sing while doing some acrobatics in some hammock that spun around in the air, so it was entertaining. Then came the end, where all of a sudden, liquid was pouring from Pink. For a second there, I thought she was lactating on the crowd. Me: Is that… is that BREASTMILK??? Come on, Pink! That is rude as shit! Oh… it’s just water.” Whew. She made me forget she sang a ballad while she was getting her Cirque du Soleil on. But I know the Grammys crew was mad as hell for all that liquid. Someone had to get some swiffer to clean alla that up.

Black Eyed Peas performed while rocking some random costumes as always. With Fergie looking like RoboCop with boobs. Will.I.Am was channeling Peabo Bryson’s old’ Gumby haircut. Peabo was somewhere like “Bish, you can’t be me.” But yeah, I’m not a fan of BEP at all. They just don’t curl all the way over for me.

Jonas Brothers came out, looking like the 2010 version of Hanson without the feathered hair and feminine faces. They introduced a performer by the name of Lady Antebellum. HUH??? Who is that??? As a colored, I’ont appreciate ANYONE named “Lady Antebellum.” Harriet snuck us underground so we wouldnt have to face this! And here she goes. HMPH! I took this opportunity to take another trip to the kitchen. My Twitfam asked for ish like ciroc, bagels and fruit snacks. LOL.

I was bored to PIECES by this point. I wanted to give Grammy 10 minutes before I started tweeting about randomness like world peace. Anywho, they presented the “Best Comedy album” to Steve Colbert. Steve, I’m happy for you and I’mo let you finish but I don’t gibbadamb. This is where I realized that Grammy was on that boolsheet. They broadcasted mundane awards like “Country music album” and “comedy album”, but gave R&B album of the year off air? Grammy, you ain’t right AT ALL.

Then came the “Record of the Year” award. I thought for sure Bey was gonna get it for “Halo.” I was wrong. Some group named Kings of Leon got it. I won’t lie. I threw a Kanye fit talmbout “WHAT??!?! Some randoms named Kings of Leon won?? I HATECHU GRAMMY!!! F*CK UR COLORING BOOK, CRAYONS AND WATERCOLORS!!!” I was then told that Kings of Leon isn’t random, and that they are actually quite good. But I’m closed-minded so to me, they are random. So WOMP! Let me be petty. lol

Anywho, next up… the “Blame it on the Alcohol” performance. Jamie Foxx came out from behind a mask with his autotune REST to go! He came out extra hyped and before I knew it, I was crunk! Then out came the Ghost of Coon Present, T-Pain. He is just so unclean looking. him and Jamie started truly acting up. Jamie started doing the running man and T-Pain was on the other side of the stage doing the Matrix. Clearly, they said “EFF rehearsal. We shall wing this.” Then Doug E. Fresh came out and was beatboxing. And finally, Slash completed the hoe-slaying with his guitar. I was HELLA ENTERTAINED! I loved it!!! Was it F*ckery? YES! Did I love every minute? ABSOLUTELY!!!

And no. I will not comment on Jamie’s sister’s part in this performance. *walks away whistling*

Justin Bieber‘s adorabo face came on with some drunk chick they referred to as Kesha. O__o So… irrelevance is the new Black it seems. Womp. And no, I will not highlight and make Kesha’s name red. She ain’t got that privilege.

Next up, some country group named the WHO WHAT BLAH BLAH BAND came on stage. While I took this chance to go into the kitchen to get my Twitfam some food, I heard them singing “America, America?” Get THEE EFF off the stage, This aint 4th of July! Take that somewhere! And is that a banjo I hear? I felt disrespected that there was a banjo on the Grammy’s. I took personal affront to this and demanded an apology. RUDENESS!

Taylor Swift performed. I spent this time watching my nails grow. It was far more interesting. Stevie Nicks came and performed with her and even Stevie couldn’t make watching Taylor bearable. I had to get myself a butter knife from the kitchen so I could slit my wrist the WRONG way jus to watch myself bleed. iCan’t w/ Taylor.

Then came the highlight of the nite!!! Or so I thought. I did the *Bro Franklin* in anticipation, especially since Celine Dion was one of the performers. iLove that French Canadian! And JHud too??? iLive!!! Smokie Robinson, Usher and Carrie Underwood to round it up. Not a bad lineup. I donned my dorky 3D glasses from Target and sat up in anticipation. I was ready to be given life!! BRING ON THE KANG MIKO TRIBUTE!!!

They started singing the “Earth Song” and I was like “GOOD INTRO!!!” Half way through the song, my eyes got tired of the dorky ass 3D glasses because it did nothing but made the Grammys bleed. Plus it was 1 movement away from giving me a papercut on my nose. I took it off like “EFF it! I’mo just have to miss the awesome 3D effects.” Anywho, they finished singing “Earth Song” with Usher hollering off key for a bit. 

Then they brought out Prince and Paris Jackson and they both spoke. My thug FELL TO THE FLOOR and rolled around for a little bit. Them kids are so BRAVE!!!! DAMMUT! Y’all better HONOR YO FATHA! YESSSS!!! They got off stage and I went “oooo what they gon do next?”

Nothing. Not a damb thing. That was it for the MJ tribute. *pause*
I’mo say it. That MJ tribute was underwhelming. Y’all made me take a trip to target for some janky 3D effect that never came??? J-Hud, Celine and Smokie SANG! Yes they did lawd. But… what was the big 3D? My squinty eyes aint really see it. That’s it! Nobody promise anymore MJ tributes. All they do is disappoint my soul. I’m like a kid who got fake Coogi for Christmas. iCan’t rock Gooci to school!!! My heart cant take anymore janky MJ tributes. MJ’s in heaven talmbout “Y’all aint shit down there. You know that right? I’da KILLT IT!” MJ’s up top saying “You kno what? Just stop. Yall cant do me right. Stop trying.”
I need an MJ tribute w/ DANCERS. Hell. DAN.CERS. How y’all gon stand in one spot to sing and that be it? You need backup dancers to BRING IT. Chris Brown and his burnt sienna apology blouse need to scoot themselves across a stage for Kang Miko. Yup! I surely did go there! I’d LOVE to see C-Breezy be in an MJ tribute. We know he was wrong. But he’d DANCE his ass off!
Lawd. Grammy, for that MJ tribute, F YO MECHANICAL PENCIL! U overpromised and underdelivered like the rest of em! iCan’t with any of these lackadaisical tributes to the King of Pop.

Sidenote: You MUST listen to this call by Miss Jia. She called Target to complain about their janky 3D glasses. This fool told them “I aint get to see Usher walking on my carpet.” LMAO!!! *dead and gone*

Moving on…

Mos Def came on stage looking like a bus conductor and slurring his words like he just bathed in a 40 ounce. Him and some dude presented an award that was won by “Run this town.” JayZ, Rihanna (and her ostrich gown) and Julez, Solange’s son, accepted it. Juelz pretty much slayed me when they asked him if he had anything to say and he went “No thanks.”

THIS is the point where I ended up in Twitter jail. If you don’t know, it’s what happens when you tweet so many times in one hour, and Twitter locks you down. You can’t tweet until some time. It’s Twitter’s way of saying “Go to your room. You’re on timeout.” But, I couldn’t let “the man” hold me down from tweeting. I had to tweet from my backup account @LockdownLuvvie for a WHOLE HOUR!

Anywho… next up came Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige. Their performance was DOPE! MURR JAY BLAHG showed us all that yes she’s hood and she hollers. But she does have a voice on her. Her and Andrea gave me FEVERRR all through the night!

So yall ‘memba how I said I was closed-minded, well Dave Matthews Band aint my cup of tea. I’m going to the kitchen. Yall want something?

Adam Sandler came on to present and I wondered where they found him and why he was presenting there. Maybe he just wanted to make sure we hadn’t forgotten about him. Then Ricky Martin came on to present an award. Stop the presses. RICKY MARTIN??? Did I die and wake up in 1997? Where’d they find him at? Maybe in J.Lo’s Pool shack. *shrugs*

Fortunately for him though, he presented a Grammy that “Halo” won and Bey came onstage in this outfit with floral superhigh shoulder pads. She almost had Ricky Martin Living La Vida Black Eye. Bey thanked her “husband” and I started cheesing like MY name was Hova.

LL Cool J came on and presented without any facial hair and made me uncomfortable. I’ont trust grown men, especially Black men, without any facial hair. Being nekkid all about the face is not the business, fellas. Get some whiskers or something. I think LL introduced Maxwell, who came on and sang “Pretty Wings.” He so fahn with his Harry Potter forehead scar. He could get it on Easter Sunday in the Deacon’s office. I ain’t Lying!

Last performance of the night was Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. Weezy came out with his locs all fresh. I was like “I SEE YOU, Wayne! You still look like a roach, but that’s neither here nor there.” Then Eminem’s geriatric self came on stage still looking like a little boy and KILT IT! Dude is a beast on the mic. STILL. Then Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. My only complaint about this performance was that half of it was muted. Them hating ass censors muted like 20 second chunks at a time. I thought I had wax buildup in my ears for some time there. CBS is more uptight than General Larry “Pants on the Ground” Platt.

CBS censors: Cuss words on the mic, cuss words on the mic. You looking like a fool with your cuss words on the mic. #OldFolksRap

Haters.

Then they presented Album of the Year. Black eyed Peas, Queen Yawnce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were up for the award.

And the winner is…. *opens up envelope* *pause* Taylor Swift!

Me: WAIT WHAT???? TAYLOR SWIFT WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR????!?? Grammy, F YO JANSPORT, PERMANENT MARKER, 2-POCKET FOLDER… JUST F IT! F YO BACKPACK, ELMERS GLUE, TRAPPER KEEPER, FILLER PAPER, WIDE-RULED NOTEBOOK… Just F YO SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! You don pissed me off!!! I guess the smpathy points haven’t worn off. I just… LAWD…

iQuit.

Grammy’s you ARE the weakest link. GOODBYE!

Did i miss anything? Did y’all have a favorite moment? Who gave you the least life? Discuss

All pictures from NecoleBitchie.com.

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Category: Awards, Music, TV

Comments (16)

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  1. dylantsmith says:

    I pretty much agree with everything you said. I thought Beyonce's performance was really good, though. Nice to see something other than "Halo" or "Single Ladies" by her. And the "Lady Antebellum" song is actually VERY good for modern country. Here's hoping the "antebellum" portion of their name is referencing Pre-Civil War Southern Mansions (often called Antebellum Manors/ Mansions/ Estates) and means nothing racist. Everyone knows Taylor did not have anywhere NEAR the best album of the year. But I think GaGa and Beyonce kinda canceled each other out…especially after doing 2 songs together recently. Most of the performances were messy but I thought P!nk, Beysus, GaGa did their best to entertain. And that's all you can ask for, I guess. Not the best awards show ever, but not the worst either.

  2. Elita @ Blacktating says:

    I had a great time following your tweets during the performance and I agree with about 90% of your commentary here. I thought Beyawnce was horrible last night, though. The crotch grab was gross and "You Oughtta Know" is an angry anthem and Bey just didn't do it justice. Besides the fact that she screwed up the lyrics 3 times (Mathew gon' get her for that), she had to water it down so much to perform it on cable TV that it seemed pointless. And how does that even work as a mash up with "If I Were A Boy." I agree with @creolepimp, she should've done Diva.

    And you wrong for asking if Pink was lactating. I think that much milk would be a problem!

  3. K to the... says:

    I flatlined and my coworker resuscitated me after reading this line:

    I had to get myself a butter knife from the kitchen so I could slit my wrist the WRONG way jus to watch myself bleed. iCan't w/ Taylor.

    This is a great recap because I missed THEE whole show while in a meeting.

  4. KindredSmile says:

    Whew, so glad I missed this show. My soulspace told me that MJ's tribute wasn't gon be bout sh*t – I'm so glad I listened. Won't deny the power of live-tweeting fuckery though – *that's* what I missed last night.

  5. SingleSassySweet says:

    Okay I read the WHOLE post (as I sit at work and look productive). I thought the awards were decent! Pink was my favorite performer by far!

    You had me rolling with these comments….

    ~Then Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast.

    ~CBS is more uptight than General Larry "Pants on the Ground" Platt. (BTW: did you see the pics of him on the Grammy red carpet holding a hand full of belts?? I swear I'm writing a song and going on American Idol to become famous!)

  6. Trini Nerd says:

    I agree with pretty much everything you had to say….Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast ..oh yes that was funny. The awards started off with so much promise and then by the end I was checking email and shopping online. Taylor Swift though I mean WTF album of the year?? Come on, we get it Taylor, boys in high school weren't feeling you and she's 20 now its about time she stopped with the prom themed songs/video..

  7. Brittany says:

    HAHAHA!!! I am sooo dead. I've only watched like 4 award shows in my whole life. And 4 of them was when I was a kid and watched Nick's Kid Choice Awards. I suck. But don't be knocking Kings of Leon. I LOVE THEM and am soooo glad that won an award. I still think Drake looks so funny in the face and Pink rocks. Well done, Luv…well done!

  8. Reggie says:

    Sucked. Ass. Taylor Swift can't even hold a note to my pet cat. (RIHANNA)

  9. Burney858 says:

    I really need to stop reading this blog at work. Entirely too much laughing out loud whilst trying to look productive. I Tivo'd the show last nite and glad I now know which parts to fast forward, ie Kitchen Break moments. Thanks Luvvie for having to watch the entire show in order to better inform us of these moments.

  10. Liryc says:

    Luvvie Imma need you to have an ambulance on call for me the next time there is an awards show cause Lord knows how many times I flatlined last night. I don't know who the heck told the grammys they could do the f**kery that they did last night but that shyt was NOT cool. How did Taylor Swift get album of the year.. I still believe we gettin punked.. Gaga and her soul snatching self deserved that album of the year award last night..

    SB: did you see how Jay played Bey?? She was going up for her award, tried to lean in for the kiss and he straight gave her the cheek? I looked at the TV like DUDE WTF!! you're her husband slob her and her super crazy glued lace front wig down!

    I don't care what NO body say.. Eminem is the man.. I would let him do coke lines on my back if he wanted.. SHOOT.. but I digress.

    Finally they need to let Chris Brown be great Gotdamnit! He, Ne-Yo and Justin Timberlake would make a true MJ tribute worth seeing.. What we gotta do to have that happen.. Can't Diddy highjack some TV station and put that bad boy on I'm just sayin??

  11. ChocolateKisses says:

    This is one of the best recaps I have read. LOL And Taylor Swiftless…I agree totally with your rant. I just needed Kanye to come flying out of some where and say….She still can't sing. JUST SOMETHING!! Oh…how I missed KAmber at the awards show.

    By the way…The dude who was with MosDef is Placido Domingo who is the first Latino two run 2 opera houses in Amerika simultaneously. He runs Washington National Opera and Los Angles National Opera. I know random trivia, but I am an opera singer and I am very proud that he is a brown man running things and hiring brown opera singers.

  12. Bogart4017 says:

    I've had it with the awards shows for this year. Over and out.

  13. Tee says:

    I didn't read the whole thing because I'm at a public computer fighting the urge to roll into fetal position and laugh my ass off. I. Cannot. Do. This. With. You. I'll be back later when I'm in the privacy of my own home.

    –T

  14. Elle says:

    I didn't watch the Grammys! :( But I've seen enough of Lady Gaga's outfits…yes, she can be scary but she's amazing!

    I'm going to go catch up on what I've missed via YouTube!

  15. Ashley says:

    If I could be fired for laughing out loud at work I would not have a job!…. this is too much fooloishness… But I didn't watch the awards so and I'm sure I agree with every word!

  16. Robyn says:

    Simply saying "And no. I will not comment on Jamie's sister's part in this performance. *walks away whistling*" made me fall out of my chair… ::dead::

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