Grammys: Another Day, Another Wack Awards
*Sigh* The Grammy Awards was as disappointing as a snowed in birthday after you’ve been promised a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s with extra tokens. I hosted a live-tweeting party, and kicked it with my Twitfam like I do for stuff like this. That made it bearable. Overall, the Grammys was boring. Only thing that made it interesting were the comments from my Twitfam. Another day, another wack awards show. I never seem to learn either. I be genuinely disappointed after each one. Why I don’t expect wackness is beyond me.
Anyway, this post is a doozer. Y’ALL BETTER READ THE WHOLE THING TOO!!! Shoot… I put in work! LOL.
Oh, and I got all these pics from NecoleBitchie.com. ALL of them. So I give her credit (and props).
Here goes nothing/something.
First up was Lady Gaga‘s performance. She came out in some uber-crazy outfit, per usual and scared the crap outta me. Yes Gaga has a dope voice. But I jus want to throw holy water at her and scream “The power of Christ compels you!!!” Scary as all to be. She then disappeared for 10 secs and came out playing a piano with Elton John, both of them looking dusty, like extras in “Oliver Twist.” I didn’t get it but iLove that femme Brit, Elton.
See why Gaga scares me???
After, Steve Colbert came on the stage and slayed. When he said “Justin brought sexyback but Susan Boyle sent it away again,” iDied. And the piece de resistance came when he was presenting the award and didn’t know where his nominees list was. Then he went “It’s on my… *pause* iPad” and pulled it out his jacket. HA! When white men are funny, they are extra funny. When they’re not, they’re Seinfeld.
*INSERT performance by people I don’t know or gibbadamb about here.* This was my first of many trips to the kitchen. i asked my Twitfam “Y’all want something?” Them fools asked me to bring back beer, PB&J sammiches, neckbones. koolaid and oreos. HOT MESSES!
The performance ended and “Single Ladies” won an award that was accepted by a trio of gays. Twitter started cracking up. Of COURSE that song was written by gay men. Is it not an anthem? Check YouTube for the million spoof vids.
*INSERT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE I COULD DO WITHOUT HERE* Trip 2 to the kitchen. It was some sort of musical. Can’t remember the name. Don’t care to. I like musicals just like the next Gay man, but I ain’t watching the Grammy’s for that. Hell. I can watch Sound of Music. I got the DVD.
Then came Queen Yawnce‘s performance, complete with random all-black everything army men. I was expecting them to strip down into onesies like they were supposed to but that never came. I was getting ready to *leyomi drop* and everything. Until she balladeered it up with “If I Were A Boy.” O__O She then proceeded to perform part of Alanis Morrisette’s “You oughta know.” I. WAS. LOST. Then came the vigorous hair spinning. While grinding on the floor. Bey!! What in the hell??? Is YOU ALRIGHT? Have you been hanging with that heathen, Gaga? Is THAT it??? Jay, getcho wife. Lawd, she did THE MOSTEST!
Next came Seal (and his uber-virile self) to introduce Pink. She came out in some white hooded smock, looking like Mother Theresa’s bad ass prodigal daughter. She too sang a ballad and I started to wonder why everyone’s mics seemed to be weeping. Y’all better perk up! Shoo! Pink dropped the smock and was in a nude/white ribbon onesie of some sort. I prayed that nipplage didn’t peek out from under them ribbons.
She proceeded to then sing while doing some acrobatics in some hammock that spun around in the air, so it was entertaining. Then came the end, where all of a sudden, liquid was pouring from Pink. For a second there, I thought she was lactating on the crowd. Me: Is that… is that BREASTMILK??? Come on, Pink! That is rude as shit! Oh… it’s just water.” Whew. She made me forget she sang a ballad while she was getting her Cirque du Soleil on. But I know the Grammys crew was mad as hell for all that liquid. Someone had to get some swiffer to clean alla that up.
Black Eyed Peas performed while rocking some random costumes as always. With Fergie looking like RoboCop with boobs. Will.I.Am was channeling Peabo Bryson’s old’ Gumby haircut. Peabo was somewhere like “Bish, you can’t be me.” But yeah, I’m not a fan of BEP at all. They just don’t curl all the way over for me.
Jonas Brothers came out, looking like the 2010 version of Hanson without the feathered hair and feminine faces. They introduced a performer by the name of Lady Antebellum. HUH??? Who is that??? As a colored, I’ont appreciate ANYONE named “Lady Antebellum.” Harriet snuck us underground so we wouldnt have to face this! And here she goes. HMPH! I took this opportunity to take another trip to the kitchen. My Twitfam asked for ish like ciroc, bagels and fruit snacks. LOL.
I was bored to PIECES by this point. I wanted to give Grammy 10 minutes before I started tweeting about randomness like world peace. Anywho, they presented the “Best Comedy album” to Steve Colbert. Steve, I’m happy for you and I’mo let you finish but I don’t gibbadamb. This is where I realized that Grammy was on that boolsheet. They broadcasted mundane awards like “Country music album” and “comedy album”, but gave R&B album of the year off air? Grammy, you ain’t right AT ALL.
Then came the “Record of the Year” award. I thought for sure Bey was gonna get it for “Halo.” I was wrong. Some group named Kings of Leon got it. I won’t lie. I threw a Kanye fit talmbout “WHAT??!?! Some randoms named Kings of Leon won?? I HATECHU GRAMMY!!! F*CK UR COLORING BOOK, CRAYONS AND WATERCOLORS!!!” I was then told that Kings of Leon isn’t random, and that they are actually quite good. But I’m closed-minded so to me, they are random. So WOMP! Let me be petty. lol
Anywho, next up… the “Blame it on the Alcohol” performance. Jamie Foxx came out from behind a mask with his autotune REST to go! He came out extra hyped and before I knew it, I was crunk! Then out came the Ghost of Coon Present, T-Pain. He is just so unclean looking. him and Jamie started truly acting up. Jamie started doing the running man and T-Pain was on the other side of the stage doing the Matrix. Clearly, they said “EFF rehearsal. We shall wing this.” Then Doug E. Fresh came out and was beatboxing. And finally, Slash completed the hoe-slaying with his guitar. I was HELLA ENTERTAINED! I loved it!!! Was it F*ckery? YES! Did I love every minute? ABSOLUTELY!!!
And no. I will not comment on Jamie’s sister’s part in this performance. *walks away whistling*
Justin Bieber‘s adorabo face came on with some drunk chick they referred to as Kesha. O__o So… irrelevance is the new Black it seems. Womp. And no, I will not highlight and make Kesha’s name red. She ain’t got that privilege.
Next up, some country group named the WHO WHAT BLAH BLAH BAND came on stage. While I took this chance to go into the kitchen to get my Twitfam some food, I heard them singing “America, America?” Get THEE EFF off the stage, This aint 4th of July! Take that somewhere! And is that a banjo I hear? I felt disrespected that there was a banjo on the Grammy’s. I took personal affront to this and demanded an apology. RUDENESS!
Taylor Swift performed. I spent this time watching my nails grow. It was far more interesting. Stevie Nicks came and performed with her and even Stevie couldn’t make watching Taylor bearable. I had to get myself a butter knife from the kitchen so I could slit my wrist the WRONG way jus to watch myself bleed. iCan’t w/ Taylor.
Then came the highlight of the nite!!! Or so I thought. I did the *Bro Franklin* in anticipation, especially since Celine Dion was one of the performers. iLove that French Canadian! And JHud too??? iLive!!! Smokie Robinson, Usher and Carrie Underwood to round it up. Not a bad lineup. I donned my dorky 3D glasses from Target and sat up in anticipation. I was ready to be given life!! BRING ON THE KANG MIKO TRIBUTE!!!
Then they brought out Prince and Paris Jackson and they both spoke. My thug FELL TO THE FLOOR and rolled around for a little bit. Them kids are so BRAVE!!!! DAMMUT! Y’all better HONOR YO FATHA! YESSSS!!! They got off stage and I went “oooo what they gon do next?”
Mos Def came on stage looking like a bus conductor and slurring his words like he just bathed in a 40 ounce. Him and some dude presented an award that was won by “Run this town.” JayZ, Rihanna (and her ostrich gown) and Julez, Solange’s son, accepted it. Juelz pretty much slayed me when they asked him if he had anything to say and he went “No thanks.”
THIS is the point where I ended up in Twitter jail. If you don’t know, it’s what happens when you tweet so many times in one hour, and Twitter locks you down. You can’t tweet until some time. It’s Twitter’s way of saying “Go to your room. You’re on timeout.” But, I couldn’t let “the man” hold me down from tweeting. I had to tweet from my backup account @LockdownLuvvie for a WHOLE HOUR!
Anywho… next up came Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige. Their performance was DOPE! MURR JAY BLAHG showed us all that yes she’s hood and she hollers. But she does have a voice on her. Her and Andrea gave me FEVERRR all through the night!
So yall ‘memba how I said I was closed-minded, well Dave Matthews Band aint my cup of tea. I’m going to the kitchen. Yall want something?
Adam Sandler came on to present and I wondered where they found him and why he was presenting there. Maybe he just wanted to make sure we hadn’t forgotten about him. Then Ricky Martin came on to present an award. Stop the presses. RICKY MARTIN??? Did I die and wake up in 1997? Where’d they find him at? Maybe in J.Lo’s Pool shack. *shrugs*
Fortunately for him though, he presented a Grammy that “Halo” won and Bey came onstage in this outfit with floral superhigh shoulder pads. She almost had Ricky Martin Living La Vida Black Eye. Bey thanked her “husband” and I started cheesing like MY name was Hova.
LL Cool J came on and presented without any facial hair and made me uncomfortable. I’ont trust grown men, especially Black men, without any facial hair. Being nekkid all about the face is not the business, fellas. Get some whiskers or something. I think LL introduced Maxwell, who came on and sang “Pretty Wings.” He so fahn with his Harry Potter forehead scar. He could get it on Easter Sunday in the Deacon’s office. I ain’t Lying!
Last performance of the night was Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. Weezy came out with his locs all fresh. I was like “I SEE YOU, Wayne! You still look like a roach, but that’s neither here nor there.” Then Eminem’s geriatric self came on stage still looking like a little boy and KILT IT! Dude is a beast on the mic. STILL. Then Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. My only complaint about this performance was that half of it was muted. Them hating ass censors muted like 20 second chunks at a time. I thought I had wax buildup in my ears for some time there. CBS is more uptight than General Larry “Pants on the Ground” Platt.
Then they presented Album of the Year. Black eyed Peas, Queen Yawnce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were up for the award.
And the winner is…. *opens up envelope* *pause* Taylor Swift!
Me: WAIT WHAT???? TAYLOR SWIFT WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR????!?? Grammy, F YO JANSPORT, PERMANENT MARKER, 2-POCKET FOLDER… JUST F IT! F YO BACKPACK, ELMERS GLUE, TRAPPER KEEPER, FILLER PAPER, WIDE-RULED NOTEBOOK… Just F YO SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! You don pissed me off!!! I guess the smpathy points haven’t worn off. I just… LAWD…
Grammy’s you ARE the weakest link. GOODBYE!
Did i miss anything? Did y’all have a favorite moment? Who gave you the least life? Discuss
All pictures from NecoleBitchie.com.