Kindred: Tryna step my accessory game up since I’mo be rocking a TWA (teeny weeny afro) soon
Me: Earrings is the game that matters the most with a TWA
Kindred: oh yes I know. Earrings and eyeshadow
Me: Eff eyeshadow
Kindred: I don’t want anyone to be like “Oh sir, what a nice pendant that is”
Me: I rock TWA w/ no shadow. If people get used to you in makeup, they see you without it and go “DAYUM! You’re 2 different people.” Nawl man
Kindred: Exactly! I don’t wanna be the patron saint of high expectations. That’s why I stopped wearing makeup after my first 30 days here
Me: Shidd! I wish folks would start expecting me to be G’ed up. That’s why I put in no effort. Eye bags and all.
Kindred: Lol. People see your cheekbones and great skin first. Then your triflingness last.
Me: Yessss. Me with makeup on??? Too many hoes slayed. Too many!
Kindred: lol you lazy for the good of the country
Me: I’m a humanitarian, if u will. A ho-manitarian
Firstly, I’m stoopid.
But seriously, folks. I don’t wear makeup more than a couple of times a month, when I step out somewhere real important (like a rice buffet. Or my bi-weekly crepe date with myself. You know. The important places). For realsies. My makeup game is on slim. I got tons of eyeshadow but that’s about it. In fact, the mascara I have is probably from college. I don’t use it. It’s just there to remind me of what I’m lacking. O__o I used it last week sometime ago and my eyes watered for AT LEAST an hour after they dried on my lashes. Lesson learned: Don’t use mascara that’s 4 years old.
I’m the kind whose beauty regimen consists ENTIRELY of shower and lotion. I’m so low maintenance that the same soap I use for my body is the same I use for my face. Is that horrible? *hears chorus of “yesses* DON’T JUDGE ME!!! I was born with skin that doesn’t gibbadamb what I put on it so… Blame it/give thanks to my family. In fact, I’m afraid that the day I decide to get a face regimen, my skin would break out. This backwards reasoning was brought to you by “Faulty Logic Inc.”
But I do think I take my good skin and unhideous face for granted. Doesn’t matter how tired I am. Y’all know I barely sleep since I’m President of the “Doing Too Much Enterprises.” I wake up on most days with what I’m sure is dark circles under my eyes. I walk outside way often looking like a raccoon. Concealer? Powder? What’s that? I’d rather hit that snooze button two more times as a tradeoff to looking busted. No lie. I be walking outside on some days looking like Zombie the Flesh Eater when i could easily throw on some magical concealer. But I just don’t seem to be caring. However, this caught up to me the other day.
So the past coupla days, I’ve been on a mini media tour for The Red Pump Project. We’ve appeared all over the place (in Chicago, at least). We were asked to appear on NBC Chicago’s morning show. Well, the morning of, I realize that “Duh! I’m appearing on TV. I need makeup!” I go in my makeup bag and ALL I got is eyeshadow. It was 5:30am. I had 2 hours of sleep. THAT was a time when I needed a full face of paint.
Not ONE container of powder. Not a bit of foundation. I didn’t even have a cucumber to put on my eyes. All I had was eyeshadow. F My Life. This is a FAIL if I ever saw it.
I put on my eyeshadow and asked Karyn “Does my makeup look okay?” She’s so kind. She told me “yes.” Mmhmmm. She was looking like a Queen and here I go next to her, looking greasy I’m sure. LAWD… I may have learned my lesson.
So yesterday, I BBMed my girl B of Clumps of Mascara. This ensued:
Me: I’m at Walgreens drugstore and wanna buy powder and mascara. What should I get?
B: *rattles off list of possibles*
Me: I went on TV with no powder or foundation on! Shame.
B: I don’t wear foundation so if I ever have to do TV, I’m screwed. You fine, sis. You don’t need all that make up stuffs.
Me: I ain’t even got powder!!! I was like “Lawd… don’t let me look busted.”
B: Okay we all need a lil shadow.
Me: I got hella shadow. I wore some yesterday but that was about it.
B. People think I wear makeup everyday. Chile please… blush, mascara, liner, lips. DONE!
Me: I have to start doing something to my plain face sometimes
B: With those cheekbones, all you need is a little blush and you’re good.
Me: Afrobella gave me mac blush last week. I’m a dork. My sis used to work at a makeup counter at Neiman Marcus. I think she even gave me some Versace powder.
B: Foo-sachie! Do it big then Luv
Me: LMAO @ foo-sachie! i need to remember where I put it. O__O
Lawd. Who loses Versace powder??? I know that ish wasn’t cheap. I’m so damb basic and simple. I’m like a white tank top. You try to put embellishments on me and I still look simple. I need to upgrade my life and become a Hermes bag or somefin. I’mo go buy foundation or powder or something. And mascara that didn’t expire in 2005. And maybe use some of the eyeshadow I got. And that whole “blush” thing. I’mo do that too.
But like I said up top. If I look all cute all the time, folks will expect that of me and that’s too much pressha. Yeah. That makes much sense. In the meantime, y’all betta love me. Eye bags and all. Shoo…
P.S. I like that picture of me. Can someone slide it across Idris Elba’s desk or something? No??? SELFISH!