If I wasn’t the person that I am, you probably would have heard a national news story (with accompanying eyewitness YouTube vidjo because you know someone always catches it) about an “angry Black woman who put a beat down on a poor old man.” Yes, I’d be somewhere behind bars with Remy Ma and Da Brat right now. The news story would go: “Co-founder of The Red Pump Project was on TV one week for the good her organization has done. That has all come spiraling down, as she is currently in custody for… how can we say this… Giving an old man a Tugaloo, Mississippi ass whooping.”
So here’s what happened:
Yesterday was one of those days that just sucked. I was the opposite of King Midas. Everything I touched and did turned to ashes, not gold. Superwoman was tired. I just wanted to cuss and rock back and fo’th in a corner in peace. I made a costly mistake at work and kind of felt inadequate. Then Red Pump stuff was stressing me out. our show is in 9 days and pre-show jitters is settling in. I wanna make sure I’ve crossed all my t’s and dotted my i’s. All I wanted was some peace and quiet. The only time I’m ever by myself is on my commute to and from work.
Anywho… when I got on the bus, it wasn’t packed at all. But I sat up front (in the priority seats), like I do sometimes. I was so engrossed in my classic literature book Blackberry that I completely missed that the bus was filling up quickly. Turns out that there was an old man standing in front of me, but I didn’t see him though. Next thing I know, I hear a voice directed at me YELLING that I’m rude for not standing for old people. This guy had to be no less than 80 and was furious! Eyes bulging out. I’m sure his blood pressure was on 1000/400.
Of course this throws me off, but I’m like “He’s old. Let me just offer him this seat and go about my business.” so I say “Wanna seat?”
Him: “No! It’s too late!!! *keeps yelling*
Me: “So… Do you don’t want a seat?”
Him: *getting more and more livid and yelling some more* NO! blah blah blah gooblegook
Sidenote: My mama raised me well. as a Nigerian, our culture is very focused on respect of the elderly. I’m no disrespectful fool. Of course, I stand for old people on the bus.
At this point, he starts sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown and I tune him out. Until…
Him: “People just have no respect. You see all these older people on the bus and stay seated. You passive-aggressive bitch!”
HOLD YOUR GAHTDAMB HORSES!!! WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU TALMTO, YOU DUSTY DEGENERATE??? (Yes, I just explicitly cursed on my blog. Y’all know I don’t do that. THIS sitch calls for it.)
This bastard looks like Christ’s bully. Like his dandruff was the sand in the desert Moses walked through tryna get his people to the promised land!! Homeboy was Jesus’ social studies tutor. I bet his essence smells like Eau de BenGay. BITCH!!! There’s a reason you only got 2 teeth in your mouth. Aging gracefully clearly skipped a generation. Classless ass wonder. Guess I’ll be bitter as hell if I grew up to look like Robin Williams in bad makeup.
iSweafoLAWD if I had nothing to lose, I’da went ALL THE WAY IN!!! I just didn’t want to be responsible for some old fossil croaking after I cursed him and his ancestors out. BITCH you don’t know me from Adam, Eve, Deuteuronomy OR Meshack. Yes, you may be old enough to have written them but you just don’t KNOW!
Jesus held my mule and my tongue. I knew if I said something, I wouldn’t stop. So I did the next best thing. I stayed seated (petty, I know. Let me be) and stared him down. Not just glances. That piercing stare that he couldn’t even hold. I think I may have turned half his face to stone.
This geriatric coulda been mollywopped from here to his nursing home!!! iCan’t. I just CANNOT. Some old people really do abuse that whole “age” thing. UGH!
P.S. BASTID! CLASSLESS WONDER! NONENTITY! BELLIGERENT DUMMY
P.P.S. Yo MAMA!
* I’m appearing on Santita Jackson’s radio show on WVON (1690 AM in Chicago) this morning at 10:30 CST to talk about The Red Pump Project. Even if you’re not in Chicago, you can listen to it. It streams online at http://www.wvon.com. Tune in!
* Tonight, I’ll be on a BlogTalk Radio with some blogging superstars! It’s OneChele’s show, featuring Thembi, AverageBro, Slim Jackson and MEEEE!!! 8pm CST, 9pm EST. You won’t want to miss this! Just go HERE at that time! It shall be epic.