Dear Kelis, You’re Tryna Get How Much?
The letter below was originally posted August 24th, 2009. But wanted to repost because of the new developments.Nas now owes Kelis over $300,000. GAHTDAMB! If all she gon do with that money is continue to look like a cracked out Statue of Liberty, I disapprove! Messing with Kelis, Nas’ Rush Card don got deactivated. Po’ thang can’t e’en get a nice Coogi ‘fit for homecoming now.
I’mo kick off the week with a sternly-worded letter because I’m about 2 weeks overdue for one. This week’s recipient is Kelis “I Hate you so much right now” Jones. I’ve always thought she was Vice-President of the “Don’t Curl all the way over” Club. I jammed to “Milkshake” but I can’t say I’ve been a fan of hers. Neither did I dislike her. She was squarely in my “People I’m indifferent about” box. Until now…
So you and Nas are no longer together, and it’s clear it wasn’t amicable. But in the words of Saaphyri: you mad, huh? You’re requesting $95,000 a month from him for you and Knight to live off of, and I think you are OFFICIALLY doing too much. I’m all for alimony and all that good stuff, and I know you are more than his baby mama. You were his wife, married in holy matrimony and everything. BUT, you are being REAL extra.
Who do you think you are, Kelis? Ain’t like you found where Carmen Sandiego is OR spotted Waldo. Ain’t like you found Whoopi’s eyebrows, Stevie’s hairline or Sherri Shepherd’s hips! You aint reconstruct Drake’s knees! $95k! PSHT! You know how many NEW ACLs that is?? To top it off, you weren’t ‘bout that freedom like Harriet! You ain’t free millions in the Underground! Who you thank you is, demanding $95K? The nerve! Give Nas us free!
You are RUDE!
If I was the judge, I’d hold you in contempt of court for the foolery and greed. Just because y’all aren’t together doesn’t mean you have to fiscally rape the man. It’s not like you gon use the $95,000 for something decent anyway. All you gon’ do is buy a collection of tacky viscose & polyurethane leggings, bad hair dye and 1,000 Gordon Gartrell shirts. SAT the hell Down, Kelis!
You know you’ve lost it when:
- You’re demanding $95,000 when you know that’s all the money in Nas’ ING Orange Savings account
- You make Robin Givens look like she “Got Her Own”
- Heather Mills’ wants to slap you with her fake leg, saying in her English accent “Kelis, you’ve taken it TOO FAH!”
Shoot, Russell “Dragging lip” Simmons is only paying Kimora Lee $40k a month and they have TWO kids together. Plus, them kids got Asian (not Indian) in they family o_O. Plus they model and earn their keep. What has Knight done to earn his 95K? He can’t even defeat Voldemort or fight off dementors, and you’re axing (yes, axing) for almost $100K. #HeAin’tHarry.
When you asked for all that money, Nas shoulda hollered “$95,000 DEEZ!!!” and went “giggity giggity” *pelvic thrust*. I may help him start a movement with “$95K DEEZ” tshirts. Who’s joining me?
I ain’t never bought one of your albums but I know I’m not now. Only thang my $17 can do is buy four S-Curl kits for Knight. iCan’t. Kelis, you aint invent the elevator like Otis! You got some NERVE asking for $95000! You and your rainbow brite hairdo need a “Fool Saddown” gift basket. I may even throw in a “Get a job” Body butter because I’m giving like that.
Nas is gonna need more than one mic now. He may need a Chapter 11 bankruptcy lawyer. On behalf of the Alliance of Women with Sense (AWWS), I demand your Yaya sisterhood sweater (with the patch on the left breast) and pin back ASAP. We will send you the self-addressed envelope and everything!
P.S. I bet Nas is somewhere screaming “I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.”