Dear Kelis, You’re Tryna Get HOW MUCH?

[ 63 ] April 13, 2010 |

The letter below was originally posted August 24th, 2009. But wanted to repost because of the new developments.Nas now owes Kelis over $300,000. GAHTDAMB! If all she gon do with that money is continue to look like a cracked out Statue of Liberty, I disapprove! Messing with Kelis, Nas’ Rush Card don got deactivated. Po’ thang can’t e’en get a nice Coogi ‘fit for homecoming now.

Antywho, ENJOY!

————–

I’mo kick off the week with a sternly-worded letter because I’m about 2 weeks overdue for one. This week’s recipient is Kelis “I Hate you so much right now” Jones. I’ve always thought she was Vice-President of the “Don’t Curl all the way over” Club. I jammed to “Milkshake” but I can’t say I’ve been a fan of hers. Neither did I dislike her. She was squarely in my “People I’m indifferent about” box. Until now…

Dear Kelis,

So you and Nas are no longer together, and it’s clear it wasn’t amicable. But in the words of Saaphyri: you mad, huh? You’re requesting $95,000 a month from him for you and Knight to live off of, and I think you are OFFICIALLY doing too much. I’m all for alimony and all that good stuff, and I know you are more than his baby mama. You were his wife, married in holy matrimony and everything. BUT, you are being REAL extra.

Who do you think you are, Kelis? Ain’t like you found where Carmen Sandiego is OR spotted Waldo. Ain’t like you found Whoopi’s eyebrows, Stevie’s hairline or Sherri Shepherd’s hips! You aint reconstruct Drake’s knees! $95k! PSHT! You know how many NEW ACLs that is?? To top it off, you weren’t ‘bout that freedom like Harriet! You ain’t free millions in the Underground! Who you thank you is, demanding $95K? The nerve! Give Nas us free!

You are RUDE!

If I was the judge, I’d hold you in contempt of court for the foolery and greed. Just because y’all aren’t together doesn’t mean you have to fiscally rape the man. It’s not like you gon use the $95,000 for something decent anyway. All you gon’ do is buy a collection of tacky viscose & polyurethane leggings, bad hair dye and 1,000 Gordon Gartrell shirts. SAT the hell Down, Kelis!

 

You know you’ve lost it when:Kelis

  • You’re demanding $95,000 when you know that’s all the money in Nas’ ING Orange Savings account
  • You make Robin Givens look like she “Got Her Own”
  • Heather Mills’ wants to slap you with her fake leg, saying in her English accent “Kelis, you’ve taken it TOO FAH!”

Shoot, Russell “Dragging lip” Simmons is only paying Kimora Lee $40k a month and they have TWO kids together. Plus, them kids got Asian (not Indian) in they family o_O. Plus they model and earn their keep. What has Knight done to earn his 95K? He can’t even defeat Voldemort or fight off dementors, and you’re axing (yes, axing) for almost $100K. #HeAin’tHarry.

When you asked for all that money, Nas shoulda hollered “$95,000 DEEZ!!!” and went “giggity giggity” *pelvic thrust*. I may help him start a movement with “$95K DEEZ” tshirts. Who’s joining me?

I ain’t never bought one of your albums but I know I’m not now. Only thang my $17 can do is buy four S-Curl kits for Knight. iCan’t. Kelis, you aint invent the elevator like Otis! You got some NERVE asking for $95000! You and your rainbow brite hairdo need a “Fool Saddown” gift basket. I may even throw in a “Get a job” Body butter because I’m giving like that.

Nas is gonna need more than one mic now. He may need a Chapter 11 bankruptcy lawyer. On behalf of the Alliance of Women with Sense (AWWS), I demand your Yaya sisterhood sweater (with the patch on the left breast) and pin back ASAP. We will send you the self-addressed envelope and everything!

Kthxbai,

LuvBug

P.S. I bet Nas is somewhere screaming “I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.”

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Category: Famous folks, Letter

Comments (63)

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  1. K to the... says:

    *GASP* FIRST!?!?!? Oh thank you…thank you. First I'd like to thank GAWD who is the head of my life…the headlights in my Maxima…the dish detergent in my dishwater…the Alpha (1111119!) and the Omega (Roo!)

    Let me know when those "$95K DEEZ" shirts go on sale, son! I'd like one in black, blue and marijuana green.

  2. @Reads4Pleasure says:

    Please send $$ to replace the keyboard I just jacked up spitting Pepsi all over it while reading your post. Gracias and what not

  3. Tunde says:

    lol. i have to agree with you though. but don't let me say that too loud before someone comes in with the "maintaining standard of living" argument. smh. like what did she do to actually earn 95K/month. did she ghostwrite ether? did she produce illmatic? i just don't understand.

    seriously if i was nas i would fight for full custody then sue her for child support and alimony.

  4. Blackberry Molasses says:

    **placing advance order for my $95K DEEZ t-shirt**

    Kelis needs soooooo many more people for this. Like 13 more kids (that were all fathered by Nasir Jones). That's the ONLY way she can justify jackin' (yes JACKIN') Nas for his stash like that.
    You're giving women with legitimate claims to alimony and child support bad n (okay, I had to stop myself there….) But…. Kelis you are STILL OUTTA ORDER!

    Yes, y'all ain't together no more. Yes you were his wife. Yes, you had his child. But if *I* have to miss out on a Nas album because he couldn't afford studio time because of YOU???? Oh, we finsta FIGHT, wench. Meet me in the parking lot.

    **FUMING**

  5. amymay117 says:

    Luvvie needs to put up a disclaimer to put down all food, beverage and combustible materials before proceeding to read her blog.

  6. amymay117 says:

    Greed is ugly. God don't like ugly. Buy a clue, Kelis…. You need enough to support your child in a decent manner. This business you're on now… just hatefulness and spite. Hell is Hot, girl!

  7. Cheekie says:

    I'm indifferent by this Nas/Kelis 95K-worth spat, but I'm lean toward Nas' way if he made "$95K Deez" t-shirts. I'm always up for a silly and witty t-shirt. Yes, that breaks the tie for everything in my life. Every war: Whoever makes the best t-shirt wins.

    And you ain't RIGHT for "You ain't invent no elevator like Otis". AHAHAHAHA!

  8. Tea says:

    I was down with her getting the 30-40K, or the 40-50K. I didn't see what the big deal was, but the fact that she went back to court for 95,000 is a MESS. And I might cop one of those 95K Deez shirts. It may be strange because I don't have any of "deez," but I'd still rock it. LOL!

  9. RiPPa says:

    No you didn't say 1000 Gordon Gartrelle shirts? Damn, I thought the $44,000 was bad she was gettin. What, don't tell me this baby already got bills and shit in HIS name that needs to be paid off. And where is Nas supposed to get this money from. Doesn't she know that DMX would not be able to memorize his lines for Belly II?

  10. Informally Yours says:

    I told myself that I would NOT read your blog at lunch break after I had tears in my eyes, and spit on my screen the very 1st time. To add insult to injury my co-worker asked me, "was that a sneeze or a laugh." Thank you. I will spread the word about this….*break ova*

  11. Crazy Magnet says:

    Nas is a 40-something wrapper; how much longer does she think he'll have the income he currently has?

    What is Kellis' problem? Does she think she has no prospects for future employment?

    If her Milkshake really brings the boys to the yard, she should be able to earn a living.

  12. Luvvie says:

    LMAO!!! Not "the headlights in your Maxima". Dumb! And the "$95,000 DEEZ!" tshirts are officially on sale at http://luvvieig.spreadshirt.com. Cop one, Cop all!

  13. Luvvie says:

    LMAO!!! Not "the headlights in your Maxima". Dumb! And the "$95,000 DEEZ!" tshirts are officially on sale at http://luvvieig.spreadshirt.com. Cop one, Cop all!

  14. Luvvie says:

    LMAO!!! Not "the headlights in your Maxima". Dumb! And the "$95,000 DEEZ!" tshirts are officially on sale at http://luvvieig.spreadshirt.com. Cop one, Cop all!

  15. Luvvie says:

    LMAO!!! Not "the headlights in your Maxima". Dumb! And the "$95,000 DEEZ!" tshirts are officially on sale at http://luvvieig.spreadshirt.com. Cop one, Cop all!

  16. Luvvie says:

    Umm… there's an invisible disclaimer on my blog that says "Luvvie isn't responsible for any and all property damage that occurs from the reading of her blog." I have Blog-insurance w/ eGeico

  17. Luvvie says:

    Exactly! That fool knows she aint "live off" $95K a month before. She's takin this whole bitter divorcée thing too far.

  18. bogart4017 says:

    I am a fan of Kelis and i had to laugh my ass off. That was the funniest letter i have ever read. Girl, you're the tops

  19. Luvvie says:

    I know she's mad that Nas tossed her to the side and quit her but her way of payback is all wrong. Do something like make his steak extra hard so he'd chip a tooth. Wait, he already has a chipped tooth. Hmm… we can find other way.

    But taking all his money and having Nas be on the next VH1 reality TV show b/c he broker than Gary aint the way

  20. Luvvie says:

    God don't like ugly & Kelis is looking like Medusa right 'bout now.

  21. Luvvie says:

    T-shirt on deck! Getcho $95K Deez" tshirts today. lol Like Really.

  22. Luvvie says:

    LOL you don't need "deez" to rock the "Deez" shirts. She can $95,000 our metaphorical "deez" lol

  23. Luvvie says:

    YUP! You know Gordon Gartrell shirts cost $95 each. And I bet u Knight Jones got bad credit already. LOL

  24. maxfab says:

    OMG you are soooooo effing wrong.
    and soooooooooooooo effing funny!

  25. Luvvie says:

    Thank ya kindly *curtsies* :D

  26. Lite Bread says:

    Yer Mostest Highest Awesomelynessis,
    Ta think, I been raisin’ mine on my own nickel the whole time. Baby Momma split and I just fund the whole thing …
    I want somebody to sue too!

    And my “Vinallashake” makes all the girlie’s ….Run Like Hell

  27. eysqueen says:

    cheapah to keep her. Didn't Nas have a clue from Kelis's first album (which I loved, and I aint fraid to admit its still in my car) that she gets a bit angry and bitter during the breakup process? He didn't see this coming? Is ether stronger than a black woman scorned….the world may never know….

  28. Jay1 says:

    i'm still shocked to learn that nas can afford 95,000 a month.

    also, kelis is still sexy as hell to me, i was dying for that relationship to fail so i could make my move.

  29. @Miss_KToYou says:

    *DEAD* *DEAD* *DEAD*!!!!!
    The Saaphyri Comment Killed It……But When I Saw The Shirt!!……I Officially Passed Away…..Your Wrong! I Quit You Foreal Off This…..I'm Done

  30. FloJo says:

    And you know she gone tell all of yalls to mind your ever loving bidness. She doing it cause she can.

    That is all.

  31. Jaycee says:

    Wow! That was mean! Kelis is not going to get that amount but Lawyers always choose a huge number. Considering that NAS is the one that started divorce procedeings and lowballed Kelis from the start then let's just say ALL's Fair in LOVE and WAR!

  32. Cheekie says:

    *sees the edit*

    Did you SERIOUSLY just make the shirt?! Way to follow-through, Luvvie! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  33. NaturallyAlise says:

    "whoever makes the best t-shirt wins"

    that just gave me life… LIFE, you hear me?

  34. true2me says:

    Thats more money than debbie rowe got paid to give up them kids

  35. true2me says:

    Thats more money than Bill Gates pay his Assistant

  36. true2me says:

    oh and as usual..you keep me in stitches

  37. jemeni says:

    NO no nooo you did NOT bring in lord Voldemorte!!! LOL I love it!!
    kee kee kee

  38. overit says:

    LMAO @ "you mad, huh" i cannot handle any saphyri quotes, i absolutely cannot.

    *charm school flashbacks*

    First of DAMN all, as someone who spent half their adult life pining away for Nas, i second kelis being out of order and RUDE. who DOES she think she is? its crazy, i'm not gonna get on my soapbox about poor people around the world, but…well, just in case kelis is reading this: do you know how many people in this world live on less than $1 a day (without sanitation)?! 660 million, DUMMY! i hate you!

    aint no second of all, that's all i can manage now. i hate her!

    ps0 kudos on the voldermort reference, henceforth, SHE shall not be named!

  39. LoudPen says:

    I still can't believe that there are ppl. out there justifying this BS. Talking about Nas wasn't there during the pregnancy…I even read on one blog that he came drunk the day she gave birth. Hell yea, that Negro was drunk…55K a month?! Shoot, I woulda smoked some trees, crack, and whatever else cuz 55K a month will make you hallenciate.

    I liked Kelis, from afar, but, now I can't even do that.

  40. flamboyantchiq says:

    i dont have a problem with the amount.
    they have based it off of nas' income and assets
    and its only for a few years
    famous men want their wives to sit at home and not work and tour
    and raise the babies
    then when the marriage is over (usually their fault)
    they want to just pay child support
    sike
    and everybody mad at kelis for being bossy and handling her business
    should be mad a nas for not handling his

  41. PhlyyGirl says:

    I am sooooooooooooooooo Unbelievable and irrevocably, Jesus, Mary and John couldn't raise me *DEAD* @ this whole post.
    I luvved Kelis, fucked up hair colors and all until this mess started.
    But with that Voldemort comment? I think you have just earned all the love that I previously had for that off key singing wench.
    And I'ma let you know up front, we sign prenups round these parts!

  42. Luvvie says:

    LMAO her milkshake turned sour

  43. Luvvie says:

    LOL I does what I can when I can do it. And that is to roast. Often

  44. Luvvie says:

    *sigh* Folks are just WRONG. I'm sure u're a great dad to ur lil vanilla beans :-D

  45. Luvvie says:

    OK! I didnt think Nas had it like that $95K. Dang! He aint released a successful album since… a long time ago. Whats his other hustle?

  46. Luvvie says:

    I aint mean to kill ya dead. But any opp to quote Saaphyri comes up, I must take it. And you know u want a shirt

  47. Luvvie says:

    I guess

  48. Luvvie says:

    If a man wants a divorce, I aint know he had to be Adebisi'd in the meantime. We gon see how it plays out

  49. Luvvie says:

    YESSS!!! I's a woman of my word. Tshirts here! Getcho tshirts!!!

  50. Luvvie says:

    LMAO! See? Its all bout perspective!

  51. Luvvie says:

    Thats more money than Lil Wayne spends on valtrex in 2 years!

  52. Luvvie says:

    *curtsies*

  53. Luvvie says:

    LOL! I sho'll did. She must be working with or for the dark lord

  54. Luvvie says:

    LOL @ u not handling Saaphyri quotes. She's all poignant & sh*t.

    And ummm women in S.A. aint got no TVs and Kelis tryna get $95K a month. Ain't she RUDE?

  55. Luvvie says:

    LMAO! Nas was tryna get the smokes to take him far, far away. Hell, if saddled to pay 55K/ month, I'd find the nearest paint can and go to town!

  56. ebwriter says:

    You are too much! Too funny.

  57. Renee says:

    OMG you are so funny! And totally right on this one. Love the shirt!

  58. bogart4017 says:

    I don’t believe in alimony, but don’t mind child support—but this is ridick! Put it in the “child, please” column and keep on truckin’.
    That said, i still like Kelis. Her albums are entertaining (if not exactly ghetto classics) and they have a replayability. I was introduced to her back in 1999/2000 and thought she was a quite attractive women. I doubt that opinion will change.

  59. Kjen says:

    Celebrity divorces are freak curiosity of mine.I’m always curious to see if they really roll (financially) like they brag/photograph/or I assume them to be.

    As for asking too much? Nah. You go in asking for a ridikulos amount because you know the judge will cut back on what’s awarded. That are you’re just bitter and really want to stick it to your partner.

  60. HowlingBanshee says:

    Wooooo! I just found this blog today. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I couldn’t even finish reading this letter. I started literally howling and crying at “Gordon Gartrell suits.” My two year old is patting me on the back and saying “You awwight Mommy? Wassa manner?”
    And she is looking at the tears rolling down my face saying “You sad, Mommy?”
    Hooooo-weeeeeee. Thanks for all you do!

  61. BSonblast says:

    Gordon Gartrell…….. DEAD!!!!!

    I have been reading your blog for three days straight. I’m talkin’ bout 9-5 not even tryna do NO type of work ’round the clock cackles and tears.

    Thank you. NO…. no really. THANK YOU.

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