Dear Dan Gilbert, Did Lebron Forget to Cuddle?
So I didn’t give many dambs about Lebron James’ announcement and bazaar and carnival about where he was going. Wherever it was, Lebron was going to get mad loot I ain’t got. He’s going to be ok. He wasn’t giving us the cure to cancer or saying an NBA ball’s rubber would stop the oil spill so I was pretty indifferent. Then he announced he was going to Miami, and folks got their thongs in a bunch. Especially Dan Gilbert, one of the owners of the Cleveland Cavalier. His boyshorts are ALL in a know. Here’s the letter he penned to the Cleveland Fan. Read it and see why he deserves this week’s sternly-worded letter.
Dear Dan Gilbert,
Hey Dan, hey. So Lebron’s leaving Cleveland and you mad huh? You are UP and SET about it. To the point where you wrote a letter to Cavalier fans about it. You threw a legendary b*tchfit not seen in the NBA since Rodman days (Dennis was the hissy fit queen king. No, queen fits).
First of all, you typed up the letter in Comic Sans MS font. O__o Yes Dan. That just SCREAMS “take me seriously! I need my nap right now! I’m cranky!” A font with the word “comic” in it is not the one to use to verbally whip somebody. That font is about as serious as a pie in the face jokes. You coulda easily stuck to the standard Time New Roman that Microsoft Word suggests. Anyway…
Wow. Your mouth is in a straight line like a straight face smiley 
. Oh Dan. Don't be so butthurt.
So yes, Dan. Clearly, you’re all types of pissed that Lebron is leaving. Understandable, because he’s taking a bunch of dollars with him. But LAWD, Dan! Get some couth about you. You’re saltier than a bowl of ramen noodles. Chill out!
“You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.”
Umm… did Lebron James snitch on Cleveland in court? What “cowardly betrayal?” Maybe the man wants some more groupies sunlight in his life. Just MAYBE the man wanted access to Uncle Luke’s club whenever. You’ont know his logic and his life! Did Lebron sleep with everyone’s men in Cleveland at their bachelor party? Boy QWEET!
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”
Whoa who whoa. Turn down the volume, Dan. DAMB! All caps huh? You so tough, Danny. WHY are you hollering? Just WHY?!? And umm… I love how you just wrote a check I’m not sure your mouf can cash. I’unno too murch bout the current state of teams in the NBA but you may want to quit making such grandiose promises.
“The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. “
Did you just *Celie Curse* Lebron?!? LMAOOO! I bet that was typed with two fingers in the air. LAWD… someone don made you watch the Color Purple and now you’ont know how to act. You’re wishing that everything the man THINKS bout gon fail. You. ARE. PISSED.
Dan, please quit acting like Lebron used you for a one night stand and didn’t cuddle. Like y’all just had a great lovemaking session and Lebron put money on the night stand and walked away. The whole lover-scorned angle of that letter was wack. You are REALLY butthurt over this. Please grow some and move on from this. You’re making yourself look bad.
Only thing Lebron James (and any melanin-blessed person) is SUPPOSED to do is stay Black, pay taxes, and follow the drinking gourd to the Lord when our time comes. So please cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get the hell over it.
Kthxbai,
Category: Letter
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Lmao…I’m chuckling at the fact that you’re writing a letter to a guy who wrote a letter.
And it was a much-needed letter at that! Yours, I mean. I DIED when he gave the Celie two-finger curse. SOMEone has been watching BET on Sundays.
And no you didn’t give that man boyshorts. I’m through with you, Luvvie.
dan gilbert acts like he owns lebron’s life. lebron did more for cleveland than any other sports figure did in the past 30 years. gtfoh. i’m glad lebron left. dan talking about lebron quit in the playoffs last year. if that was the case then why did he offer him a max contract. had lebron chose cleveland i promise dan would still be his bff.
i want lebron to win a championship this year and during the post game press conference i want lebron to say. “i want to personally thank dan gilbert for this opportunity.”
YAAASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
AMEN! I live in Cleveland and trust me, the way Gilbert sounds in his letter is the way all of these fools here are acting towards my boy Le’bron. If I were him I’d leave this cold, negitive, hateful city too if I had the means to do so. When was the last time Cleveland won a championship in anything anyway? All these haters should be happy he stayed as long as he did in the first place becasue truth be told, he could have gone wherever he wanted a long time ago. STOP THE HATE AND LET THE MAN GET HIS RING!!!!!!
I blogged about that letter the other day. I feel you on the fact that Dan can use a sternly worded letter. But, I also think that he had a right to be upset. No, Lebron was not property, but the way he set up the whole thing was just…..wrong. I’m just saying.
Yes! Most people are not mad THAT he left, it is HOW he did it. Danny boy was livid but he did have a right to be. He found out on National tv (along w/ the rest of the country) that his star player was leaving. Ass-tastic much? Dan’s letter was HILARIOUS, but admittedly unprofessional.
Poor Danny should have run this letter by his sassy gay friend before sending it…look at your life Dan…look at your choices…Comic Sans indeed
Enough already. This is much ado about nothing. I’m finished!
Yes girl he Celie cursed his arse in comic sans. Oh somebody lawd give that man his blankie!
“Did you just *Celie Curse* Lebron?!? LMAOOO! I bet that was typed with two fingers in the air.”
*falls.out.chair* Done wit chu! ROFL.
Dan wanted him to stay home like a good little boy and loose in the name of loyalty. NOT. NBA is a business 1st. The business of winning. He could not do that in Clevland.
@LAUREN. I agree that he could have let the city of Clevland down easier. But he owed nothing to Dan Gilbert. If Dan had made the moves he needed to, LeBron would be in Clevland.
Not Miami.
While he sounded like a bitch and should have kept his mouth shut instead embarrassing us Northeast Ohioans, he was entitled to his little tirade. No matter what LBJ reasoning was he could have down this with more class. While I hope everything works out for LBJ (lie) and will continue to cheer for my Cavs (lie). I wish him well (lie). See I’m not bitter (lie).
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Omg, I want to give Danny a hug! lol He is HAWT! He is looking real unprofessional right now. Yeah Lebron dumped him and Cleveland in front of the world. I would have been mad too but as an owner of a team, you have to keep your emotions in check. Be mad but keep it moving and make your money. Just my humbled opinion. I love this letter Luvvie! You never let me down lady!
David Stern fined Dan Gilbert $100K for that letter. Basically, the NBA has SERIOUS control issues