Before I begin, let me say to the parents reading this blog that many kudos to you. You are awesome. And I’m sure your kids are EVERYTHING. Okay? And I’m in no way making some judgment on those who have kids. These are just my thoughts as a selfish twenty-something. No shade AT ALL. With that being said, let the good
shade times ROLL!
So I have a question. What is in the water nowadays?!? Everywhere I turn is a baby shower. I’ma stick to lemonade. No thank you. Folks are popping out chilrun like it’s nothing. I’m just saying. I love kids. Don’t get me wrong. They smell like baby powder, freshness and Heaven. There is nothing as comforting as “New Baby Smell.” It’s definitely way better than “New Car Smell.” It is the purest thing one can have to Heaven on Earth BUT…
Kids are EXPENSIVE. It’s a recession. Folks can barely keep jobs. Having children all willy nilly is just not financially sound. They want you to do stuff like ya know, FEED them and CLOTHE them. Like HUH? They actually NEED stuff? NAW SON! O__o
Shoo… besides. I got shoes to buy, hoes to slay and streets to run. Y’all know how much I love shoes. I love shoes so much that I have a blog dedicated to shoes (oh you ain’t know? Well now you know). Kids cut into your shoe budget and make too much noise. I mean… let’s talk bout it yall. All kids are good for is looking cute. Showing you all the love in the world. Melting your heart. Carrying on your family name. Accepting inheritance. Being such awesome little people who are delightful and adorable. Giving the greatest hugs and kisses. Holding our future in their hands. Keeping the human race un-extinct. Besides that, I’ont see how they’re useful. O___O
Anyway, methinks shoes are cooler than kids. Why?
* Shoes don’t cry - Yes, some of them make my feet weep but that’s nothing a foot soak and massage can’t cure.
* Shoes don’t have to be fed – Unless the occasional shoe spray counts as food.
* Shoes can run the streets with you – In fact, a prerequisite to running the streets well is a pair of fierce shoes. Kids gotta be in bed by 8pm. My shoes don’t come out the closet until 9pm. See where the dilemma lies?
* Shoes don’t make noise – They are quiet beings. Only noise they make is when the heel hits hardwood. And that’s a glorious noise.
* Shoes don’t demand attention – Well, the RIGHT shoes will demand others’ attention because they don’t have a choice but to look at your feet.
* Shoes don’t grow up to be angst-ridden and emo teenagers. - They won’t talk back to you or make you a grandparent before your time.
* Shoes don’t destroy things – Apart from bank account balances. Unlike kids. If you haven’t seen the site Shit My Kids Ruined, take a gander. If this isn’t visual evidence as to why shoes should be picked over kids, I’m not sure what is.
My kids are my shoes. I love them dearly. All they do is make me look fierce. And slay hoes in my honor.
Besides, you babysit newborns to toddlers and see if you won’t choose shoes over procreating. I’ve told my sister a coupla times that I was gonna put my niece up on Craigslist with an ad saying “Will deliver. Toys & clothes included. No cash needed. Just take her.” But everytime I threaten that, she goes and does something cute. Like singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” Or coming up to me and saying “HAPPY!!!” and cheesing like a cheshire cat. Gosh she’s so darn cute! She totally foils my plan to buy new shoes because I’ll end up on the Children’s Place website buying her stuff.
Scratch this whole post. Who am I kidding? I’d pick my Cupcake over my shoes anyday. UGH! She’s just so cute! It’s part of her plot to take over the world. Starting with my shoe closet. I just KNOWED it. Children are so adorabo just so we can’t resist them. Yes. THAT is the only reason they are that cute.
Give me a couple of more years of selfish indulgence and running the streets, then I may be ready for a Mini Luvvie. Until then, the kiddies around me (and my love for shoes) are my form of birth control. What’s yours?
*reads post* I’m about as shallow as a drool spot. LAWD.