Being A College Freshman: A Short Manual of Do’s and Don’ts
It’s about that time of year. The weather isn’t getting hotter. Everyone has had a full 3 months of frolicking, ratchetness and nekkidness. September is almost here, which means one thing: SCHOOL’S BACK IN! Now, for those who just graduated from high school, it means you’re probably about to be a college freshman! Doesn’t matter if you’re at University of Phoenix, Everest College or UTI.
Sidenote: Yes, there’s a place of higher learning called UTI: Universal Technical Institute. I don’t know about y’all but I’d rather not go to college at a place with the same acronym as a Love Pocket Problem. “What school do you go to?” “UTI!” “I didn’t mean what problem you last saw your gyno for. I MEAN… O___O.” See? AWKWARD! But higher learning is higher learning. UTI’s better than JAIL. Yes. John Andrews Industrial Local Inc. Yes I made that up. I don’t know where I was going with this. Moving on…
So I decided to write a mini guide for our newest class of college freshmen. To the Class of 2014 (which includes my cousin who just started at Ball State University. Shoutout to you, Wonu), you’re welcome!
Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Successful College Freshie
* Do believe that the freshman 15 is real. Actually, I’ve seen more Freshman 20 and 30 than anything else. People have been known to start school in August, a size 6. By May, they’re teetering on size 14, talmbout “I think my clothes shrunk.” Ain’t no jeans shrink THAT much. Even B.U.M. Equipment won’t lose all stretch like that. Your clothes didn’t shrink. Your appetite should have though. That pizza in the lunchroom was made with grease and cheese. In that order. One slice, and walk away.
* Don’t become a slore (slut + whore). Like seriously. Don’t sleep with any and everything that walks just because you’re out your parents’ guidance. And you’re around 39,000 like-minded people. Only 10% of who are hot. But because of close proximity, everyone looks cute. Just don’t do it. Apart from the obvious that you’re supposed to treat your body like a temple, not the Undergrad library or the club. AND the ridiculous EsTeeDee rates on campuses (it’s a bubble where everyone shares everything, including cooties).
You don’t want to be a slore because college can be HUGE but gossip makes it small. Everyone will find out about your business. You take ONE too many walks of shame and your sluttacious reputation will follow you for all four years. Even if you become a nun sophomore year. Everyone will still know you as “Nancy the Campus Tip Drill.” This is NOT a good way to start off your post-high school career.
Oh and that really cute frat boy upperclassman who told you that you were the cutest freshman? Odds are he’s told that to at least 50 others. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.
* Do go to class. Well, at least on test days and days they take attendance. Like for realsies. TAKE YOURSELF TO CLASS! Well, huge lectures can be skipped but discussions where they take attendance are pretty important? Yeah, I’ma need you to go to those. We need you to make it to SOPHOMORE year. You skip all your classes and the school will kick you out because as #28478, they don’t need YOUR $40,000 that bad. Besides, if you want to sleep in all year, save yourself $40K, stay home and be a hobo. I’m not saying don’t skip classes, because it WILL happen. You just have to know which ones to skip.
* Don’t spend your entire refund check at the mall. Everyone knows the refund check is like Christmas in September. It’s what happens when your financial aid award, grants, loans and scholarships adds up to more than your tuition. The school will send you a refund check of the difference. I’ve known people to get $3,000 refund checks. A SEMESTER! Add it up and you’re looking at $6,000 cold hard cash given to an 18-year old within 7 months of each other. This usually means DISASTER.
Refund check time is when you see folks on campus STUNTING their new riches, which they blew at the mall. Everyone has on the latest digs. Coogi, IceBerg, Gordon Gartrell. The likes! O___O Folks are excited because they gon slay everyone at homecoming. By end of October, they’re back to eating ramen noodles and drinking tap water. DO NOT SPEND YOUR WHOLE REFUND CHECK AT THE MALL! Save some. For all that is good and holy SAVE YOUR MONEY! Or be extra responsible and spend the refund check money on paying back your loans early.
* Don’t buy your textbooks at the campus bookstore. Rent from the library and keep checking it out. Or get it from half.com or bigwords.com. My first semester, I spent $600 on books because I got them from the campus bookstore. When book buyback came around, I only made $67. I was PISSED! I must have kicked every trashcan in my dorm and every one I passed on campus that day! Save yourself some money. Or if you want to be SUPER cheap, share a textbook with a friend.
* Don’t go to class rocking your Sunday best. Or Friday worst. This SCREAMS freshie because everyone else will be comfortable while you’re on the Quad in 6 inch heels and a body con dress. At noon. On a Wednesday. Well… unless you go to an HBCU. Then you can be G’ed up at all times. Or so I heard. You may actually wanna rack up on PJs and sweats. You’ll find yourself rocking them to class more often than you thought.
* Don’t sign up for that credit card for a free shirt that says “College” or some free pizza. Your credit score will thank you later. How many people are STILL paying for that foolish credit card they got and spent recklessly? At 3o. Your unpaid bills will follow you AFTER the four years. You can go buy that ugly tshirt for $15 on sale. SAVE YOURSELF and your credit score.
* Don’t get pregnant. College is a lot less fun with babies involved. They don’t let them into bars. And they will totally interrupt you as you study for finals.
* Don’t become an alcoholic. Alcohol will be everywhere. But do realize that you CAN have sober fun. Besides, you’re 18. You’re not supposed to be drinking anyway! But if you decide to, which I’m not condoning because I will not be an accessory to any crime. Luvvie ain’t tell you to drink so NO MA’AMs and SIRS. I’m just saying. In fact, just put it in your head that my next couple of lines are for SENIORS. Kapish? Kapish!
Learn to control your liquor and keep drunkenness indoors. Falling off the curb in the campus downtown will only get your bruises on your knees and bruised egos as people laugh at you. Oh and using alcohol as excuse for any sluttacious behavior (see above) will NOT keep you from being known as the campus slore. Govern yourself accordingly.
Sidenote: Shoutout to me for being one of the planners of the biggest Black barcrawl my campus had seen to date (at that point). It was the senior barcrawl, and it was so big that our college town was OUT of black tshirts since I ordered so many at once. Imagine 250 black people going from bar to bar in Campustown. WHILE rocking shirts that said “We’re sotally tober” on the back in glow in the dark letters. It. WAS. AWESOME!
* Do have a blast! College was AWESOME for me. Work hard so you can play harder. Failing is what happens when you play hard and work a little. Keep the balance and you will be fine. Realize that these next four years will be your most taken-care of. Revel in it. Enjoy it. When it’s over, you’re gonna be saying “Dang. I miss college” a lot. Don’t shame your parents or yourself. Get in and get out in 4 years. Engineers, 5. Everyone else? FOUR! That is all.
This was only a short manual but what did I miss? Any other tips our college freshies NEED to know?