Famous folksLetter

Dear Laurence Fishburne, You Has My Sympathies

As you’ve all heard by now, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana has decided to do porn. I could write her a sternly-worded letter but I’d be wasting my time. So I decided to write one to Laurence himself. Po’ dude.

Dear Laurence Fishburne,

Hey Larry hey. How are you doing? I’m sure you’ve been better. So as the whole world now knows, your daughter likes to squirt on command have lots of sex for money. As a father, one of your jobs is to keep your daughter off the pole and out “the flicks.” And this didn’t happen. And I’m not sure I blame you. Why? Because you seemed to be a stable and good father to her. She just went wayward and I can’t imagine how you feel.

Brian Pumper and Montana Fishburne

We ain't e'en gon talk about the fool she's chosen to affiliate herself with. What I heard was *whispers scandalous gossip here* *walks away whistling* But you ain't heard that from me.

First of all, the interview she did in Subway (O___o) where she said she is now in the adult entertainment industry came out on YouTube on your 49th birthday. If that isn’t a proverbial kick in the nuts, I’m not sure what is. “Happy birthday, Dad! My gift to you and the world is Pr0n!” I’m sure your birthday cake tasted less sweet on that day. Sheesh!

Word on the street is that you told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” My first reaction to that was to say “TREATED!!!” And you’re correct. I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.” Your name comes with a certain level of respect. For Montana to INSIST on letting herself be known as a Fishburne is just another slap. She couldn’t have been like Montana Mayhem or something? Lawd knows that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!

Oh wait. Where was I? Ah yes.

She’s decided to use your last name, thinking it’s her badge of honor when all it’s brought you is embarrassment. And she is slightly shocked by it.

Montana and Laurence Fishburne

Looking just like themselves! #AllLaurenceFaceEverything

One of the worst things about all of this? Montana looks like you with a wig on. She has your EXACT face. Like copy and paste. Given, even if she hadn’t used your last name, we would have figured it out when we were watching the movie and the voice of Morpheus kept slapping us in the face mysteriously. Sorry but there’s something that is disturbing about Montana looking so much like you. I never wanted to imagine you in a thong, Laurence. Now I do. And I’m traumatized.

Apparently, you finally decided to speak to Montana. And told her that “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” Larry, I can’t say I blame you. It’s gotta be tough. Lord knows if I told my Nigerian family that I was going to be slanging my love pocket professionally, I’d be stripped of my name and told that I’ve shamed the ancestors. All you said was you weren’t going to talk to her. That’s fair.

Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now. It’s a slap in the face to you as a parent. And a MAJOR embarrassment as a respected thespian.

Like Celie, Mr. Fishburne, you has my sympathies.

Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles),







What would y’all do if your child went into pr0n?

68 Comments

  1. August 18, 2010 at 8:54 am — Reply

    Cowboy Curtis needs to lasso smack her ass…then again she might like that & then go on Access Hollywood telling everyone how her father lasso smacks her ass. It’ll probably end up being the theme in her next movie. Damn Larry…my heart goes out to you bruh!

    • August 18, 2010 at 2:46 pm — Reply

      Yeah, I do feel bad for Laurence. This is just so embarrassing.

  2. August 18, 2010 at 9:04 am — Reply

    Lawd, I think I died at the bouncing on the knees part..LMAO..then again the thought is probably killing him softly..:-\

    • August 18, 2010 at 2:47 pm — Reply

      *pours our licka for Larry*

  3. August 18, 2010 at 10:23 am — Reply

    Copy and frigging paste, for real. I can’t get over it. And apparently LF isn’t a fan of Chris Rock and missed the keeping your daughter off the pole bit. I’m already focused on that advice even though my girls are only 2 & 4.

    • August 18, 2010 at 2:48 pm — Reply

      I think Larry was probably an upstanding father but Montana is one of those prodigal daughters. And yes, it’s never too early to teach the kids to stay off the pole.

  4. Kay
    August 18, 2010 at 12:26 pm — Reply

    Luvbug, I hate you so much, that I love you for this!!! *puts up my hex fingers* Chippy D, I hope you get squirted in the eye with rotted jizz!!!

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm — Reply

      By “hate you so much” you must mean “Love you for everything.” Why thank you. You’re so kind.

      And the visual of rotted jizz just messed up my day. Thanks for nothing.

  5. Kay
    August 18, 2010 at 12:27 pm — Reply

    OH, and I’m a 1st time poster…I usually just read and lurk….

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm — Reply

      And don’t make it be ur last time. Ya heard?

      • Kay
        August 18, 2010 at 3:15 pm — Reply

        Fa sho!

        • August 18, 2010 at 3:48 pm — Reply

          First time “post”er. In a blog about a first time pr0n star. *giggles*

          • August 18, 2010 at 9:24 pm

            LMAO!!! u dumb.

  6. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Luvvie F. Baby, itsthelaurenshow, Ms. Caramel Queen , krysilove, krysilove and others. krysilove said: RT @luvvieig: New AweLuv post: Dear Laurence Fishburne, You Has My Sympathies http://bit.ly/cug57K [...]

  7. August 18, 2010 at 12:52 pm — Reply

    Yours…in Woo Woo Woo?

    Luvvie, I can’t stand you.

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:03 pm — Reply

      You LOVE me! *hugsies*

  8. June
    August 18, 2010 at 1:06 pm — Reply

    Hahahahaha *doubledover* hahaha whoooo. Why don’t these folks just call you for advice….before they end up _________!

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:28 pm — Reply

      Right! They need to have me as their life coach. They can pay me in fierce shoes and rice.

  9. August 18, 2010 at 1:38 pm — Reply

    “Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles)”

    You just kilt me D-E-D (as my mother would say)

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:03 pm — Reply

      LOL! I ain’t mean to kill u D-E-D, Max! I’m just saying lol

  10. August 18, 2010 at 1:59 pm — Reply

    “that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!” <<<*DEAD*

    "Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now."

    OMFG I am crying over here!!! MUERTA MUERTA MUERTA!!!

    I can't breathe!!!!!!!!!!

    Listen Lil Luvvie, I am going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard!

    iQuit you for the upteenth time… I can't take it. I am going to have to get on some kind of real exercise regimen just so I can read your posts!

    smh.. ok as I parent my heart goes out to Sir Laurence and I also would like to extend my #footintheass to get that girl straight. Lawd knows it ain't easy (I have an 18 yr old). But this is ratchedness to a new level!

    Do you see Copola's daughter swinging on poles with pasties at Hustler?! Hell nah that broad is writin', producin', directin', makin' wine and doin' pops proud!

    And Montana claims she got this idea from Kim Kardashian?? 1st off Kim ain't doin' no pr0n for fees she does it for her boyfriends and once when she was like 17 she did some nude pics and they got stolen and happen to get leaked out. But she has gotten her shit together and is making bank … well I am not sure what her title is or should be but for the sake of this post basically she gets paid for nothing.

    And until this whole mess came out I didn't even know about Laurence's private life…. I try not to be all in the know of celebrity folk as I have a full life and don't appreciate the media lurkin' in folks backyards, diggin' in their trash and snappin' pics while they do everyday mundane things like shopping and putting gas in their car (like really this is news?)

    By the way that Thumper cat should be afraid of the Might Morpheus coming for that ass! -__^

    hold up his name is Thumper?? WTF is this some kind of ode to Disney?? The pr0n version?? Oh nevah mind it is Pumper that is even worse!!

    I need to lay down this is too much!!

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:27 pm — Reply

      HILAR!!! You and this tome of yours. I love it. And dontchu get no heart attack. I can’t pay no insurance to folks for reading my eCrib. All you’d get is my shoe collection and some newsboy hats.

  11. Daria
    August 18, 2010 at 2:22 pm — Reply

    So sick of the whole “keep your daughter off the pole” thing. Why don’t we try to make it a priority to keep our sons out of the morgue and out of f*cking prison? How about some progressiveness instead of the same old tired misogyny us black people always spew? Like, really. I’d rather have my daughter alive and stripping than a dead/locked up son.

    • August 18, 2010 at 2:39 pm — Reply

      o__O

    • August 18, 2010 at 3:26 pm — Reply

      Umm… you talking about all types of OTHER issues. Lawd. How do you go from me talking about the NARROW issue of a celeb’s daughter in porn to black men’s incarceration rates? This is not the post to even go there. I’m sure other folks are talking about it though. Like the Huffington Post. Or CNN. Or anywhere but here.

    • Kay
      August 18, 2010 at 3:33 pm — Reply

      Daria sweetie, this is a humor blog…serious issues are found on theroot.com….i’m just saying…

    • August 18, 2010 at 4:07 pm — Reply

      I think you miss the point like Alicia Keys missed her period….

      • August 18, 2010 at 4:33 pm — Reply

        “I think you miss the point like Alicia Keys missed her period….”

        Put a sanctified flower patterned sheet cause I’m done.

      • August 18, 2010 at 4:36 pm — Reply

        Here lies Luvvie… so young. So promising. She requested that you all rock dereon onesies w/ matching slingbacks and church hats to her funegro. *deaD*

  12. bogart4017
    August 18, 2010 at 2:43 pm — Reply

    If you havent seen excerpt from the film please don’t. I made that mistake and now my retinas are scorched!

    • August 18, 2010 at 2:46 pm — Reply

      I haven’t seen it but I’ve been told. I’m in no rush to see it either.

      • August 18, 2010 at 2:54 pm — Reply

        You don’t want to see the cigarette burns or whatever the heck was upon her arse!

        • Kay
          August 18, 2010 at 3:16 pm — Reply

          I’ve seen it and she is only getting paid for her last name…her skills are lacking…

          • August 18, 2010 at 4:30 pm

            That video is trrble. The only good that could come of it is that shines the light of Proactiv for arses.

          • August 18, 2010 at 9:20 pm

            LMAOOO!!! I’ont know if Proactive can help. I’ve seen the music vid she did w/ Brian Pumper. Yeah… concealer could have helped her out lots.

          • August 18, 2010 at 9:25 pm

            Welp…

        • August 18, 2010 at 9:26 pm — Reply

          I seent them in the music vid she did w/ Brian Pumper. That chile lacks self-awareness.

  13. Notdamama
    August 18, 2010 at 2:48 pm — Reply

    If my son came home and said, “Mama, I want to be a porn star.”

    After he got up from the floor and dusted the debris from the broken crucifix that I bashed him over the head with and dried the Holy Water off of himself.

    We would sit and talk about the obvious drug use that he was engaging in and the fact that as we were speaking I was hosting an intervention for him and he had a choice:

    1. Live right and have his family an active part of his life.

    or

    2. Live stank and have his family love and pray for him from afar, because there is no way we could support that decision.

    Now, son, choose the red or blue pill… lol!

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:25 pm — Reply

      ROTFLMAO!!! He better choose the right pill. In this context though, I don’t think you want him to choose any blue pill. No ma’am.

  14. August 18, 2010 at 3:53 pm — Reply

    True talk – I went to middle school whose dream was to be a porn star and teen mom.

    I give props to Larry for attempting to buy all of the DVDs, but Vivid leaked clips to spite his effort. But he’s not hiding in shame, just found out he’ll be presenting at the Emmy’s

    I don’t know if you read Chippy’s follow-up interviews, but she said that she doesn’t want to be like Kim K. She just wants to do porn, not act. 0______________________O

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:22 pm — Reply

      Gurl… she’s just… iCan’t. Montana makes me tah’d. She’s so pretty too. She ain’t have to go this way. Her daddy us OTHELLO, for Christ’s sake.

  15. HighQuality08
    August 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm — Reply

    Luvvie…

    iCant with you. And by iCant I mean iWont. And by iWont I mean iRefuse. And by iRefuse I mean I’ll be back tomorrow for more laughs.

    :)

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:21 pm — Reply

      LOVE THIS!

    • Capricorn
      August 19, 2010 at 4:20 pm — Reply

      HighQuality08, kindly remove yourself from my head.

      Luvvie is like a drug, you wanna say no, you KNOW you should say No, but you end up doing it anyway.

      *shakes fist at Luvvie*

    • August 19, 2010 at 7:23 pm — Reply

      *My name is Sabrina and I approve this message…

  16. Stephanie
    August 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm — Reply

    Luvvie, you had me sitting at my desk literally LOL, having people ask me what I am reading! Despite the sadness of that poor child not knowing what the hell she getting her self into, this has got to be the best sympathy letter I have read!

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:21 pm — Reply

      LOLL don’t get fired! You better cackle in silence. But *curtsies* at this being the best sympathy letter you’ve read. I be trying sometimes.

  17. August 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm — Reply

    What would I do to my kid in this situation……..bust her head wide open twice.LF should have told her you want to be nasty use ur Momma maiden name! This letter was 2 much iCant iWont return to sender lol

    • Notdamama
      August 18, 2010 at 5:41 pm — Reply

      Would the last name have really mattered…? They are damn near twins? Just asking?

      • August 18, 2010 at 9:19 pm — Reply

        I said in my letter that even if she hadn’t have used her last name, we would have known. BUT the fact that she’s using her last name says a lot. She’s making it known whose daughter she is.

  18. Cheekie
    August 18, 2010 at 6:38 pm — Reply

    WHY Subway, tho? Like, I’m sure they’re embarrassed enough about Jared. Dayum. Also, it’s too easy since it’s the home of the five dollar footlong. Gah.

    • August 18, 2010 at 9:18 pm — Reply

      RIGHT! As if it wasn’t already bad what she was talmbout. Then she does it in Subway. Gal BYE.

  19. August 19, 2010 at 8:28 am — Reply

    I can’t get past the phrase “squirt on command” ha ha ha ha ha

    • August 20, 2010 at 1:39 am — Reply

      I bet neither could Laurence. *wall slide*

  20. numbah 5
    August 19, 2010 at 8:33 am — Reply

    “I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.”

    I HAD to de-lurk to comment on this alone!

    straight murked!

    Love ya!
    numbah 5

    • August 20, 2010 at 1:40 am — Reply

      YAYYYY!!! I love when people de-lurk! Stay! *grabs on to ur ankles*

  21. August 19, 2010 at 3:15 pm — Reply

    You know what? They was watching this at the barbershop and I was a little offended. Her ass looked like one of the floor tiles and visual was making me mad

    Luv, you ain’t shit and you know this.

    • August 20, 2010 at 1:44 am — Reply

      They watched it at your BARBERSHOP??? LAWDDDD!!! And iQuit u for this: “Her ass looked like one of the floor tiles.” BYE REGGIE!

  22. designdiva
    August 19, 2010 at 4:30 pm — Reply

    she needs a sassy gay friend! “look at your life! look at your choices!”

  23. superwoman
    August 20, 2010 at 1:10 pm — Reply

    posts like these is why i vote for your blog everytime!!! i am FINISHED here, FINISHED!!!

    montana is a foolish, foolish girl. her poor family! the disgrace! and she HAS disgraced her ancestors – iyo! they are rolling in their graves as we speak…. i made the mistake of watching the so-called music video…what happened to that child’s bum?????? WHAT HAPPENED THERE????

    whooooo, such a stress, such a stress – and i don’t even know her! poor larry! he must be proper-proper FRA-STRA-TED!!!!

    • August 22, 2010 at 7:53 pm — Reply

      Thanks Superwoman! And yes, Montana don shamed ALL her ancestors.

  24. Nicole
    August 24, 2010 at 10:33 am — Reply

    TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!

    • August 24, 2010 at 2:26 pm — Reply

      A MESS is what it is. Chile…

  25. Heaven
    August 24, 2010 at 12:06 pm — Reply

    *sigh* So I left the country on vacation and come back to catch up on Luvvie, only to be SLAYED from laughter! iDied so many times reading this post! I haven’t seen the vidjo, but with all these references to asses looking like floor tiles, I’ll pass! I hate when I have to quit lurking to tell Luvvie that she slayed me once again! LOL!

  26. [...] I had not written a sternly-worded letter in far too long. In fact, the last one I wrote was to Laurence Fishburne about his wayward daughter, Tana. 2 months ago. FAR TOO LONG! Today’s recipient is someone I was (and still am) cheering [...]

  27. Leo the Yardie Chick
    July 25, 2011 at 12:17 am — Reply

    I actually read a comment somewhere, where someone suggested that we’ll change our tune about Montana once she has a ‘respected career’.

    O_O

    Now, I don’t know how it goes anywhere else in the world, but even the famous porn stars get little mainstream respect regardless of if/when/how long ago they quit the business. Worse yet, she’s a black porn star – the odds are even less in her favour, even without d*ckriding her family name.

    I’d like to think that person was on some chronic.

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