Dear Laurence Fishburne, You Has My Sympathies

[ 68 ] August 18, 2010 |

As you’ve all heard by now, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana has decided to do porn. I could write her a sternly-worded letter but I’d be wasting my time. So I decided to write one to Laurence himself. Po’ dude.

Dear Laurence Fishburne,

Hey Larry hey. How are you doing? I’m sure you’ve been better. So as the whole world now knows, your daughter likes to squirt on command have lots of sex for money. As a father, one of your jobs is to keep your daughter off the pole and out “the flicks.” And this didn’t happen. And I’m not sure I blame you. Why? Because you seemed to be a stable and good father to her. She just went wayward and I can’t imagine how you feel.

Brian Pumper and Montana Fishburne

We ain't e'en gon talk about the fool she's chosen to affiliate herself with. What I heard was *whispers scandalous gossip here* *walks away whistling* But you ain't heard that from me.

First of all, the interview she did in Subway (O___o) where she said she is now in the adult entertainment industry came out on YouTube on your 49th birthday. If that isn’t a proverbial kick in the nuts, I’m not sure what is. “Happy birthday, Dad! My gift to you and the world is Pr0n!” I’m sure your birthday cake tasted less sweet on that day. Sheesh!

Word on the street is that you told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” My first reaction to that was to say “TREATED!!!” And you’re correct. I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.” Your name comes with a certain level of respect. For Montana to INSIST on letting herself be known as a Fishburne is just another slap. She couldn’t have been like Montana Mayhem or something? Lawd knows that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!

Oh wait. Where was I? Ah yes.

She’s decided to use your last name, thinking it’s her badge of honor when all it’s brought you is embarrassment. And she is slightly shocked by it.

Montana and Laurence Fishburne

Looking just like themselves! #AllLaurenceFaceEverything

One of the worst things about all of this? Montana looks like you with a wig on. She has your EXACT face. Like copy and paste. Given, even if she hadn’t used your last name, we would have figured it out when we were watching the movie and the voice of Morpheus kept slapping us in the face mysteriously. Sorry but there’s something that is disturbing about Montana looking so much like you. I never wanted to imagine you in a thong, Laurence. Now I do. And I’m traumatized.

Apparently, you finally decided to speak to Montana. And told her that “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” Larry, I can’t say I blame you. It’s gotta be tough. Lord knows if I told my Nigerian family that I was going to be slanging my love pocket professionally, I’d be stripped of my name and told that I’ve shamed the ancestors. All you said was you weren’t going to talk to her. That’s fair.

Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now. It’s a slap in the face to you as a parent. And a MAJOR embarrassment as a respected thespian.

Like Celie, Mr. Fishburne, you has my sympathies.

Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles),







What would y’all do if your child went into pr0n?

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Category: Famous folks, Letter

Comments (68)

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  1. Alovelydai says:

    Cowboy Curtis needs to lasso smack her ass…then again she might like that & then go on Access Hollywood telling everyone how her father lasso smacks her ass. It’ll probably end up being the theme in her next movie. Damn Larry…my heart goes out to you bruh!

  2. fabdogooder says:

    Lawd, I think I died at the bouncing on the knees part..LMAO..then again the thought is probably killing him softly..:-\

  3. Mama Mary says:

    Copy and frigging paste, for real. I can’t get over it. And apparently LF isn’t a fan of Chris Rock and missed the keeping your daughter off the pole bit. I’m already focused on that advice even though my girls are only 2 & 4.

    • Luvvie says:

      I think Larry was probably an upstanding father but Montana is one of those prodigal daughters. And yes, it’s never too early to teach the kids to stay off the pole.

  4. Kay says:

    Luvbug, I hate you so much, that I love you for this!!! *puts up my hex fingers* Chippy D, I hope you get squirted in the eye with rotted jizz!!!

    • Luvvie says:

      By “hate you so much” you must mean “Love you for everything.” Why thank you. You’re so kind.

      And the visual of rotted jizz just messed up my day. Thanks for nothing.

  5. Kay says:

    OH, and I’m a 1st time poster…I usually just read and lurk….

  6. Alicia says:

    Yours…in Woo Woo Woo?

    Luvvie, I can’t stand you.

  7. June says:

    Hahahahaha *doubledover* hahaha whoooo. Why don’t these folks just call you for advice….before they end up _________!

  8. max says:

    “Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles)”

    You just kilt me D-E-D (as my mother would say)

  9. DivaKattGurl says:

    “that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!” <<<*DEAD*

    "Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now."

    OMFG I am crying over here!!! MUERTA MUERTA MUERTA!!!

    I can't breathe!!!!!!!!!!

    Listen Lil Luvvie, I am going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard!

    iQuit you for the upteenth time… I can't take it. I am going to have to get on some kind of real exercise regimen just so I can read your posts!

    smh.. ok as I parent my heart goes out to Sir Laurence and I also would like to extend my #footintheass to get that girl straight. Lawd knows it ain't easy (I have an 18 yr old). But this is ratchedness to a new level!

    Do you see Copola's daughter swinging on poles with pasties at Hustler?! Hell nah that broad is writin', producin', directin', makin' wine and doin' pops proud!

    And Montana claims she got this idea from Kim Kardashian?? 1st off Kim ain't doin' no pr0n for fees she does it for her boyfriends and once when she was like 17 she did some nude pics and they got stolen and happen to get leaked out. But she has gotten her shit together and is making bank … well I am not sure what her title is or should be but for the sake of this post basically she gets paid for nothing.

    And until this whole mess came out I didn't even know about Laurence's private life…. I try not to be all in the know of celebrity folk as I have a full life and don't appreciate the media lurkin' in folks backyards, diggin' in their trash and snappin' pics while they do everyday mundane things like shopping and putting gas in their car (like really this is news?)

    By the way that Thumper cat should be afraid of the Might Morpheus coming for that ass! -__^

    hold up his name is Thumper?? WTF is this some kind of ode to Disney?? The pr0n version?? Oh nevah mind it is Pumper that is even worse!!

    I need to lay down this is too much!!

    • Luvvie says:

      HILAR!!! You and this tome of yours. I love it. And dontchu get no heart attack. I can’t pay no insurance to folks for reading my eCrib. All you’d get is my shoe collection and some newsboy hats.

  10. Daria says:

    So sick of the whole “keep your daughter off the pole” thing. Why don’t we try to make it a priority to keep our sons out of the morgue and out of f*cking prison? How about some progressiveness instead of the same old tired misogyny us black people always spew? Like, really. I’d rather have my daughter alive and stripping than a dead/locked up son.

  11. bogart4017 says:

    If you havent seen excerpt from the film please don’t. I made that mistake and now my retinas are scorched!

  12. Notdamama says:

    If my son came home and said, “Mama, I want to be a porn star.”

    After he got up from the floor and dusted the debris from the broken crucifix that I bashed him over the head with and dried the Holy Water off of himself.

    We would sit and talk about the obvious drug use that he was engaging in and the fact that as we were speaking I was hosting an intervention for him and he had a choice:

    1. Live right and have his family an active part of his life.

    or

    2. Live stank and have his family love and pray for him from afar, because there is no way we could support that decision.

    Now, son, choose the red or blue pill… lol!

  13. True talk – I went to middle school whose dream was to be a porn star and teen mom.

    I give props to Larry for attempting to buy all of the DVDs, but Vivid leaked clips to spite his effort. But he’s not hiding in shame, just found out he’ll be presenting at the Emmy’s

    I don’t know if you read Chippy’s follow-up interviews, but she said that she doesn’t want to be like Kim K. She just wants to do porn, not act. 0______________________O

    • Luvvie says:

      Gurl… she’s just… iCan’t. Montana makes me tah’d. She’s so pretty too. She ain’t have to go this way. Her daddy us OTHELLO, for Christ’s sake.

  14. HighQuality08 says:

    Luvvie…

    iCant with you. And by iCant I mean iWont. And by iWont I mean iRefuse. And by iRefuse I mean I’ll be back tomorrow for more laughs.

    :)

  15. Stephanie says:

    Luvvie, you had me sitting at my desk literally LOL, having people ask me what I am reading! Despite the sadness of that poor child not knowing what the hell she getting her self into, this has got to be the best sympathy letter I have read!

    • Luvvie says:

      LOLL don’t get fired! You better cackle in silence. But *curtsies* at this being the best sympathy letter you’ve read. I be trying sometimes.

  16. Nikki says:

    What would I do to my kid in this situation……..bust her head wide open twice.LF should have told her you want to be nasty use ur Momma maiden name! This letter was 2 much iCant iWont return to sender lol

    • Notdamama says:

      Would the last name have really mattered…? They are damn near twins? Just asking?

      • Luvvie says:

        I said in my letter that even if she hadn’t have used her last name, we would have known. BUT the fact that she’s using her last name says a lot. She’s making it known whose daughter she is.

  17. Cheekie says:

    WHY Subway, tho? Like, I’m sure they’re embarrassed enough about Jared. Dayum. Also, it’s too easy since it’s the home of the five dollar footlong. Gah.

  18. citizen ojo says:

    I can’t get past the phrase “squirt on command” ha ha ha ha ha

  19. numbah 5 says:

    “I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.”

    I HAD to de-lurk to comment on this alone!

    straight murked!

    Love ya!
    numbah 5

  20. You know what? They was watching this at the barbershop and I was a little offended. Her ass looked like one of the floor tiles and visual was making me mad

    Luv, you ain’t shit and you know this.

  21. designdiva says:

    she needs a sassy gay friend! “look at your life! look at your choices!”

  22. superwoman says:

    posts like these is why i vote for your blog everytime!!! i am FINISHED here, FINISHED!!!

    montana is a foolish, foolish girl. her poor family! the disgrace! and she HAS disgraced her ancestors – iyo! they are rolling in their graves as we speak…. i made the mistake of watching the so-called music video…what happened to that child’s bum?????? WHAT HAPPENED THERE????

    whooooo, such a stress, such a stress – and i don’t even know her! poor larry! he must be proper-proper FRA-STRA-TED!!!!

  23. Nicole says:

    TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!

  24. Heaven says:

    *sigh* So I left the country on vacation and come back to catch up on Luvvie, only to be SLAYED from laughter! iDied so many times reading this post! I haven’t seen the vidjo, but with all these references to asses looking like floor tiles, I’ll pass! I hate when I have to quit lurking to tell Luvvie that she slayed me once again! LOL!

  25. Leo the Yardie Chick says:

    I actually read a comment somewhere, where someone suggested that we’ll change our tune about Montana once she has a ‘respected career’.

    O_O

    Now, I don’t know how it goes anywhere else in the world, but even the famous porn stars get little mainstream respect regardless of if/when/how long ago they quit the business. Worse yet, she’s a black porn star – the odds are even less in her favour, even without d*ckriding her family name.

    I’d like to think that person was on some chronic.

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