Dear Laurence Fishburne, You Has My Sympathies
As you’ve all heard by now, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana has decided to do porn. I could write her a sternly-worded letter but I’d be wasting my time. So I decided to write one to Laurence himself. Po’ dude.
Dear Laurence Fishburne,
Hey Larry hey. How are you doing? I’m sure you’ve been better. So as the whole world now knows, your daughter likes to
squirt on command have lots of sex for money. As a father, one of your jobs is to keep your daughter off the pole and out “the flicks.” And this didn’t happen. And I’m not sure I blame you. Why? Because you seemed to be a stable and good father to her. She just went wayward and I can’t imagine how you feel.
First of all, the interview she did in Subway (O___o) where she said she is now in the adult entertainment industry came out on YouTube on your 49th birthday. If that isn’t a proverbial kick in the nuts, I’m not sure what is. “Happy birthday, Dad! My gift to you and the world is Pr0n!” I’m sure your birthday cake tasted less sweet on that day. Sheesh!
Word on the street is that you told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” My first reaction to that was to say “TREATED!!!” And you’re correct. I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.” Your name comes with a certain level of respect. For Montana to INSIST on letting herself be known as a Fishburne is just another slap. She couldn’t have been like Montana Mayhem or something? Lawd knows that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!
Oh wait. Where was I? Ah yes.
She’s decided to use your last name, thinking it’s her badge of honor when all it’s brought you is embarrassment. And she is slightly shocked by it.
One of the worst things about all of this? Montana looks like you with a wig on. She has your EXACT face. Like copy and paste. Given, even if she hadn’t used your last name, we would have figured it out when we were watching the movie and the voice of Morpheus kept slapping us in the face mysteriously. Sorry but there’s something that is disturbing about Montana looking so much like you. I never wanted to imagine you in a thong, Laurence. Now I do. And I’m traumatized.
Apparently, you finally decided to speak to Montana. And told her that “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” Larry, I can’t say I blame you. It’s gotta be tough. Lord knows if I told my Nigerian family that I was going to be slanging my love pocket professionally, I’d be stripped of my name and told that I’ve shamed the ancestors. All you said was you weren’t going to talk to her. That’s fair.
Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now. It’s a slap in the face to you as a parent. And a MAJOR embarrassment as a respected thespian.
Like Celie, Mr. Fishburne, you has my sympathies.
Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles),
What would y’all do if your child went into pr0n?