5 Ways Guys Club Wrong
So Labor Day just passed, which not only signifies that
it is Cuddle Buddy season the weather is actively getting cooler, but it is the time when my homebody-ness becomes full-fledge. All the kicking it I do from May to August is about to wind down a little bit. Clubbing or going to lounges will not happen often. Folks will have to start giving me good reasons to come out.
However, my Summer went out with a bang this past weekend. A group of friends of mine threw a joint birthday party at a loft downtown. When I tell y’all folks kicked it? THEY KICKED IT! People with 401(k)s and children were doing face down, ass up. It was hilarious! Ratchetness ruled everything about that party. Good times were had by all. But what happens at parties that are packed with people and EVERYONE is dancing like they’re getting paid in singles? It. GETS. HOT. It was so hot that I stood in one spot and barely moved, but was still sweating like T.I. in a car full of… Oh. No? Fine.
Anywho, being in the club reminded of ways people club wrong. By people, I mean fellas. The women were pretty much in check. Everyone came ready to juke! Allow me to pick on the fellas in this post. Why? Because I feel like it.
How does one club wrong, you say? Well, there are many ways. Apparently, fellas need a rulebook on clubbing. I’m not here to write such a manual but I will give you a tip sheet.
5 Ways Fellas Club Wrong
Wear sweaters and other equally hot pieces of clothing
I’ve went clubbing and seen a guy in an outfit that was 3 layers. This already sounds like A MESS. But add to that, the fact that it was in July. Summertime. SIR! Why do you have on a button up shirt, sweater vest and a BLAZER?!? Where are you going? Are you trying to wear ALL the clothes in your closet at once? Like on that ep of “Friends” where Joey put on all of Chandler’s clothes. I was just so curious that I walked up to him (true story), tapped him on the shoulder and asked
“Question. Are you hot?”
Him: “No it actually keeps me cool.”
Me: O___O *walks away*
He a GAHTDAMB lie! I had on a sleeveless dress and I was steaming. This party I went to on Saturday had NO shortage of dudes that were dressed for the wrong season and occasion. Some dude next to me was rocking a leather jacket. A LEATHER JACKET??? It was 5 degrees hotter than hell in that party and you have on leather??? The cow whose hide they used for that jacket is somewhere like “Who turned the heat up?” And the countless amount of dudes that had on cardigans in that piece made no sense. I need them all to go saddown. Looking at them made me sweat even more. Just disrespectful.
Wear sunglasses in the club
It’s midnight. The sun bid us all adieu 5 hours before. It’s super dark in the club. And you have on sunglasses. Please go SADDOWN! I can barely see in the place and you have on shades so I know your eyesight is on legally blind mode. You don’t look cool either. You look like a douchebag. Take the glasses off so you won’t need your boys to tell you that the girl you’re dancing with looks like 50 Cent ’bout the face.
Wear bluetooth headsets
The music is at 200 decibels. It’s so loud that your eardrums will vibrate for 30 minutes AFTER you leave the club. So praytell, who is calling you that necessitates walking around the club with your bluetooth headset on? Once again, you don’t look cool buddy. You look like you’re ultra-geeked about decade old technology. And like a douchebag. That flashing blue light is like the symbol for ultimate douchebaggery. Next to super gelled Jersey Shore hair and orange spray tans.
Have horrid breaths and whisper in women’s ears
When dudes drink all this alcohol (especially beer), after some time, their breaths can start smelling like feet and despair. Odds are they’re also drunk at this point. That is the WRONG time to make that move on the girl you’ve been eyeing all night. I understand that alcohol can be liquid courage but still. No parts of impressing a girl comes with making her eyelashes curl. If the girl you’re talking to keeps wincing, just bow out gracefully and go away.
Don’t take no for an answer
Guy: *comes behind me and starts dry humping*
Me: *looks back* *side-eye* *moves forward away from him*
Guy: You don’t want to dance?
Me: No thanks. I’m good.
Guy: Why don’t you want to dance?
Me: “It’s too hot in here right now so I’m cooling off.
Guy: Well can we talk?
Me: No I’m good.
Guy: You must have a boyfriend or husband.
Me: *smiles* *looks away with total disinterest*
Guy: Well can I have your number? We can just be friends?
Me: No I’m good. I don’t give out my number.
Guy: Why not?
Me: *mean mugging at this point* >:-| I just don’t. Have a nice night. O__O
Guy: Why are you acting like this?
Me: *throws self off club podium*
DUDES! Know when to say WHEN! That is all. And yes, this actually happened to me. Multiple times. And they’re usually Nigerian men, who seem to think “No” means “keep trying.” GERROUT MY FACE! Ijot!
What needs to be included in this list? Which one is your biggest pet peeve? Fellas, have you been guilty of any of these? It’s ok. Admit it.