I Hated the VMAs (and Taylor Swift)
I want to go to MTV offices and kick every trashcan in the building for that awful ass awards show they put on last night. AWFUL I SAY.
Why was the preshow such a mixture of yawn, boring and dry? MTV could have kept that wack hour to themselves. The entire time, I was hoping it’d get better. Coupla things:
* WHO VOTED for Suchin Pak to wear that awful dress she had on? I question ALL your tastes. It came like 5 inches below the knee and had the nerve to be shapeless to boot. And I think SuChin rocked some slingbacks with it. She looks like she was s’posed to be baking the sweet potato pie for the Church Harvest, not being at VMAs. I’ve seen Nuns looking segzier. I’m a LOVER and STAN of H&M clothes. My closet is packed with their stuff. But that dress??? NO MA’AM!
* Why did Sean Kingston rock a white tee and white denim jacket? I’m surprised they didn’t confuse him for the white carpet and try to lay him down.
* Did Snookie fall asleep in the tanning booth? She TANNED her dermis and epidermis to an inch of its life and looked like a faded red crayon. Know when to say WHEN! Damb. Snooki looked like she must have taken some vacay time from her job at the Chocolate Factory. That was nice of Willy Wonka to let her off for the night. #OompaLoompa
* Why were Justin Bieber’s pants so tight? If his balls had dropped, we’d be able to see them. Also, why does he remind me so much of Ellen? They look alike, don’t they?
Sidenote: I just found out that there’s a blog called “Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.” I cried REAL tears from laughing so hard at this site. The innawebs STAYS winning.
* Why the hell is Nicki Minaj RELEVANT AND REVERED BY PEOPLE?!? That performance was AWFUL! She wore some kind of lycra superhero bodysuit and a hot pink wig. And then jerked around the stage, because I surely won’t count what she did as dancing. Where was Sandman Sam to pull her off the stage with a cane? I think some record executive is playing a joke on all of us. And named her Nicki Minaj to prove that any belligerent dummy with a gimmick can become famous. ANYBODY.
* Why was Will.I.Am in blackface? I want to do awful things to him (awful as in violent). I REALLY wished he’d go away. Just go the HELL AWAY! He joined Nicki during her performance and added his own version of HORRID to it. This Ol’ Sambo looking ass dude. Looking like a licorice twizzler. That performance made me wanna throw myself off the nearest 1st floor balcony.That clusterf*ck or a performance started my cussing tourette’s for the night.
* Why did the VMAs preshow have me so cranky. I just wanted to chase lil kids off my lawn now and hug my seven cats after that.
I’ma make this quick because yeah. Wackness abounded.
* Why did Chelsea Handler suck such Rawse balls?!? I wasn’t a Chelsea Handler fan before and tonight didn’t change that. There are few things less awkward than unfunny award show openings. Chelsea Handler made me laugh 0 times with her monologue. And the fact that she referred to artists who wear onesies as “Leotarded?” made me just blank stare. I could right a better joke while MOURNING. (-__-) Then she called Kanye West the “Big Black Elephant in the Room.” O____O Gurl BYE! GO AWAY!
* Why did I not gibbadamb bout so many of them to the point where I forgot most? They were random and ranged from the cast of Jackass (who I give NO dambs about) to the cast of GLEE (who I love with everything). Jared Leto was one of them presenters and dude was about as articulate as an ESL student trying to recite Shakespeare sonnets. He doesn’t read often I see. Trey Songz had on a schmedium jacket. Ne-Yo’s lipgloss wasn’t popping like usual (maybe they ran out his shade). Justin Timberlake came onstage to remind us he still matters (even though he’s playing games and hasn’t dropped an album since K-
Fed was skinny). Cher is 5 days older than Christ & she’s still rocking see-thru onesies better than most ppl. I also wonder if this is her 56th face.
And they had Nicki Minaj present. I was already miffed from the preshow foolishness, then this. Nicki’s confused persona ass changed accents with every other sentence she spoke. iSweafoLAWD she’s so annoying, she’d give tylenol a headache. (-__-) Nicki Minaj talks and an angel throws herself off a cloud in Heaven. iHATEHER so GAHTDAMB murch!!! SO GAHTDAMB MURCH!!!! UGH!
Oh wait… I DO remember this complete dumb sh*t. When they introduced Kim Kardashian, they referred to her as a fashion icon. O__________o <— long side-eye. Shut the F*CK UP, MTV! You bastids are gon QWEET using the word “icon” for every Tom, Dick and ass implant u see! I take personal affront that they called Kim K anything but a glorified bustdown. An icon??? Methinks not. Kim’s love of Harve Leger bandage dresses to accentuate her assets does not a fashion icon make. Nor does having a boring sex tape as your claim to fame. Doing THE MOST, MTV. THE MOST!
The Award Winners
* Why can I sum this up on one sentence? Lady Gaga won most and Justin Bieber won one. That is all.
Speaking of which, it was the Lady Gaga show. She changed about 50-eleben times, with each outfit being more outrageous than the last. But here’s what I realized. Lady Gaga’s voice is RIDICULOUSLY good and she’s REALLY pretty. At one point, Gaga had on a dress that looked like it was made of bacon. I just… whatever girl. With all these foolish get-ups, of course I didn’t notice the talent. I already lack attention span as it is. For this to be the first time I’ve noticed these is just pitiful. Her over-the-top DOING THE MOST schtick really relegates her talent to the backburner. For me to be like “Oh Gaga’s actually cute” over a year after first seeing her is just a mess.
* Eminem still looks like an emo teenager but his flow’s still so tight. He opened up the show and Rihanna joined him during the performance to sing. I will give her credit tonight for not sounding like a cat sliding down a chalkboard. She ain’t no vocalist but she also didn’t make me want to give myself a papercut. But that red wig of hers? I just can’t process it.
* Usher was on some techno crap that was just a lot of lights around the stage. If I wanted to go to a rave, I’da gon in high school. All he needed was a seedy venue and some “mystery mix” X pills for a true rave. Besides, at prom, some of the Filipino kids brought glowsticks and danced. They did techno better than Usher did.
* Justin Bieber performed and some people went nuts outside for him. He’s adorabo. I noticed that Usher taught him some of the dances from “Burn.” That’s nice. Teaching the kids. He drummed to. *read that* I just can’t get myself to by hyped bout Bieber. He aight.
* Some chick performed and yodeled. Listen. I ain’t like it when Jewel and her complicated teeth did it. I sure don’t love it when this chick did either. So… womp.
* Ciara performed shortly with N.E.R.D. on some stage that wasn’t the main one. and proceeded to thrust her pelvis into our collective faces. Onliest person she needs to do that to is her janky stylist. Blah. And her performance got cut off after like minute for something more important. Like a commercial I don’t remember. Bye Ci-Ci.
* Why did Taylor Swift get my blood pressure SKY HIGH with her “pity me” performance? To her, I offer her a letter.
Dear Taylor Swift,
Gurl you’re actually playing the clip of Kanye interrupting you from last year before your performance?!? OH! This song is dedicated to that incident? GURL GO AWAY. Thank him for putting you on the map in a major way. Yes, you may have been known by some before last year, but that incident catapulted you into stratosphere. But I had sympathy when it happened last year. Kanye’s a douchebag (something we all know) but A YEAR HAS PASSED, Taylor! Cry you a river, build a bridge and GET THE F*CK OVER IT!
I really wished someone would have come on that stage and dropkicked the mic away from Taylor. Damsel in Distress ass. WE KNOW! STFU and GO AWAY! iblame Kanye. If his raggedy ass woulda known how to act last year, Taylor Swift may be working at the Piggly Wiggly under Amil by now. And the song was talking bout someone stealing her innocence. Did Kanye introduce her to porn? Did he take her to a sex store? DID HE RAPE HER?!? No he did not. SAT THE HELL DOWN, Taylor! Joey vs. Dawson dramatic “I don’t wanna wait” ass. That chile is now on my “BISH PLEASE” list! She’s trying it. I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME!
ANYWAY… moving on
* Oh yes. Mary J. Blige, Drake and
Switch Swizz Beats performed. Mary did her patented bop and SANG her heart out. AND her suit was SSHHHAAAPPP!! I love me some MJB so I have nothing bad to say (apart from that hairhat but it’s aight). She went up there and gave the people EMOTION! Oh and Drake was decent. He musta gotten some botox though because his forehead didn’t look like it was melting. #Lumiere #OhYouFancyHuh
* Why is Pink’s emo stepsister fighting the air? Oh she’s not related to Pink? And her name is Robyn? Aight then.
* Linkin Park, huh? Well I’ont gibbadamb bout em. I’m 1 of those Black folks whose music taste isn’t that versatile. Most rock music gives me a headache. Gimme Soul mostly, or some rap or some pop. I don’t headbang.
* Why was Kanye West in Eddie Murphy’s suit from “Raw?” It’s aight though. I was excited to see him. His performance was decent as he gave a “toast to the assholes.” But I won’t lie. That autotune KILLED it (in a bad way) for me. I couldn’t even concentrate on the lyrics because of that awful sound. So I spent most of the performance like O___O.
At this point, I was truly ready for the show to end. Y’all dont understand. I really wanna go to MTV offices and flip all types of tables. This show suckedkick EVERY trashcan they have in the building for this subpar ass awards.
Moral of the story: I HATED THE VMAs!!!
P.S. If this post sucked, blame it on the fact that writing it felt like pulling teeth. That show was THAT much a bore. But check out other blogs that may have done it justice: ConcreteLoop, MissJia, Necole Bitchie, Crunk & Disorderly.