I Hated the VMAs (and Taylor Swift)

[ 37 ] September 13, 2010 |

I want to go to MTV offices and kick every trashcan in the building for that awful ass awards show they put on last night. AWFUL I SAY.

The PreShow

Why was the preshow such a mixture of yawn, boring and dry? MTV could have kept that wack hour to themselves. The entire time, I was hoping it’d get better. Coupla things:

* WHO VOTED for Suchin Pak to wear that awful dress she had on? I question ALL your tastes. It came like 5 inches below the knee and had the nerve to be shapeless to boot. And I think SuChin rocked some slingbacks with it. She looks like she was s’posed to be baking the sweet potato pie for the Church Harvest, not being at VMAs. I’ve seen Nuns looking segzier. I’m a LOVER and STAN of H&M clothes. My closet is packed with their stuff. But that dress??? NO MA’AM!

Other wackness:
* Why did Sean Kingston rock a white tee and white denim jacket? I’m surprised they didn’t confuse him for the white carpet and try to lay him down.

* Did Snookie fall asleep in the tanning booth? She TANNED her dermis and epidermis to an inch of its life and looked like a faded red crayon. Know when to say WHEN! Damb. Snooki looked like she must have taken some vacay time from her job at the Chocolate Factory. That was nice of Willy Wonka to let her off for the night. #OompaLoompa

* Why were Justin Bieber’s pants so tight? If his balls had dropped, we’d be able to see them. Also, why does he remind me so much of Ellen? They look alike, don’t they?

Sidenote: I just found out that there’s a blog called “Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.” I cried REAL tears from laughing so hard at this site. The innawebs STAYS winning.

* Why the hell is Nicki Minaj RELEVANT AND REVERED BY PEOPLE?!? That performance was AWFUL! She wore some kind of lycra superhero bodysuit and a hot pink wig. And then jerked around the stage, because I surely won’t count what she did as dancing. Where was Sandman Sam to pull her off the stage with a cane? I think some record executive is playing a joke on all of us. And named her Nicki Minaj to prove that any belligerent dummy with a gimmick can become famous. ANYBODY.

Will.I.Am and Nicki Minaj at MTV VMAs

These belligerent dummies here... I wish they'd both fall into the Bermuda Triangle and go away. WOMP! (Stole pic from today's VerySmartBrothas.com post)

* Why was Will.I.Am in blackface? I want to do awful things to him (awful as in violent). I REALLY wished he’d go away. Just go the HELL AWAY! He joined Nicki during her performance and added his own version of HORRID to it. This Ol’ Sambo looking ass dude. Looking like a licorice twizzler. That performance made me wanna throw myself off the nearest 1st floor balcony.That clusterf*ck or a performance started my cussing tourette’s for the night.

Tweet of the Night

* Why did the VMAs preshow have me so cranky. I just wanted to chase lil kids off my lawn now and hug my seven cats after that.

The SHOW

I’ma make this quick because yeah. Wackness abounded.

The Host

* Why did Chelsea Handler suck such Rawse balls?!? I wasn’t a Chelsea Handler fan before and tonight didn’t change that. There are few things less awkward than unfunny award show openings. Chelsea Handler made me laugh 0 times with her monologue. And the fact that she referred to artists who wear onesies as “Leotarded?” made me just blank stare. I could right a better joke while MOURNING. (-__-) Then she called Kanye West the “Big Black Elephant in the Room.” O____O Gurl BYE! GO AWAY!

The Presenters

* Why did I not gibbadamb bout so many of them to the point where I forgot most? They were random and ranged from the cast of Jackass (who I give NO dambs about) to the cast of GLEE (who I love with everything). Jared Leto was one of them presenters and dude was about as articulate as an ESL student trying to recite Shakespeare sonnets. He doesn’t read often I see. Trey Songz had on a schmedium jacket. Ne-Yo’s lipgloss wasn’t popping like usual (maybe they ran out his shade). Justin Timberlake came onstage to remind us he still matters (even though he’s playing games and hasn’t dropped an album since K-

This picture is off the charts on the "Doing the most" scale. Gaga & Cher on the same stage. I wanna throw holy water on both of them. (Pic from NecoleBitchie.com)

Fed was skinny). Cher is 5 days older than Christ & she’s still rocking see-thru onesies better than most ppl. I also wonder if this is her 56th face.

And they had Nicki Minaj present. I was already miffed from the preshow foolishness, then this. Nicki’s confused persona ass changed accents with every other sentence she spoke. iSweafoLAWD she’s so annoying, she’d give tylenol a headache. (-__-) Nicki Minaj talks and an angel throws herself off a cloud in Heaven. iHATEHER so GAHTDAMB murch!!! SO GAHTDAMB MURCH!!!! UGH!

Oh wait… I DO remember this complete dumb sh*t. When they introduced Kim Kardashian, they referred to her as a fashion icon. O__________o <— long side-eye. Shut the F*CK UP, MTV! You bastids are gon QWEET using the word “icon” for every Tom, Dick and ass implant u see! I take personal affront that they called Kim K anything but a glorified bustdown. An icon??? Methinks not. Kim’s love of Harve Leger bandage dresses to accentuate her assets does not a fashion icon make. Nor does having a boring sex tape as your claim to fame. Doing THE MOST, MTV. THE MOST!

The Award Winners

* Why can I sum this up on one sentence? Lady Gaga won most and Justin Bieber won one. That is all.

Speaking of which, it was the Lady Gaga show. She changed about 50-eleben times, with each outfit being more outrageous than the last. But here’s what I realized. Lady Gaga’s voice is RIDICULOUSLY good and she’s REALLY pretty. At one point, Gaga had on a dress that looked like it was made of bacon. I just… whatever girl. With all these foolish get-ups, of course I didn’t notice the talent. I already lack attention span as it is. For this to be the first time I’ve noticed these is just pitiful. Her over-the-top DOING THE MOST schtick really relegates her talent to the backburner. For me to be like “Oh Gaga’s actually cute” over a year after first seeing her is just a mess.

The Performances

Pic from NecoleBitchie.com

* Eminem still looks like an emo teenager but his flow’s still so tight. He opened up the show and Rihanna joined him during the performance to sing. I will give her credit tonight for not sounding like a cat sliding down a chalkboard. She ain’t no vocalist but she also didn’t make me want to give myself a papercut. But that red wig of hers? I just can’t process it.

* Usher was on some techno crap that was just a lot of lights around the stage. If I wanted to go to a rave, I’da gon in high school. All he needed was a seedy venue and some “mystery mix” X pills for a true rave. Besides, at prom, some of the Filipino kids brought glowsticks and danced. They did techno better than Usher did.

* Justin Bieber performed and some people went nuts outside for him. He’s adorabo. I noticed that Usher taught him some of the dances from “Burn.” That’s nice. Teaching the kids. He drummed to. *read that* I just can’t get myself to by hyped bout Bieber. He aight.

* Some chick performed and yodeled. Listen. I ain’t like it when Jewel and her complicated teeth did it. I sure don’t love it when this chick did either. So… womp.

* Ciara performed shortly with N.E.R.D. on some stage that wasn’t the main one. and proceeded to thrust her pelvis into our collective faces. Onliest person she needs to do that to is her janky stylist. Blah. And her performance got cut off after like minute for something more important. Like a commercial I don’t remember. Bye Ci-Ci.

* Why did Taylor Swift get my blood pressure SKY HIGH with her “pity me” performance? To her, I offer her a letter.

Dear Taylor Swift,

Gurl you’re actually playing the clip of Kanye interrupting you from last year before your performance?!? OH! This song is dedicated to that incident? GURL GO AWAY. Thank him for putting you on the map in a major way. Yes, you may have been known by some before last year, but that incident catapulted you into stratosphere. But I had sympathy when it happened last year. Kanye’s a douchebag (something we all know) but A YEAR HAS PASSED, Taylor! Cry you a river, build a bridge and GET THE F*CK OVER IT!

Sincerely,

LuvvBug

I know she's already sitting but I want her to stand up just so I can tell her to SADDOWN again. Ugh. (Pic from NecoleBitchie.com)

I really wished someone would have come on that stage and dropkicked the mic away from Taylor. Damsel in Distress ass. WE KNOW! STFU and GO AWAY! iblame Kanye. If his raggedy ass woulda known how to act last year, Taylor Swift may be working at the Piggly Wiggly under Amil by now. And the song was talking bout someone stealing her innocence. Did Kanye introduce her to porn? Did he take her to a sex store? DID HE RAPE HER?!? No he did not. SAT THE HELL DOWN, Taylor! Joey vs. Dawson dramatic “I don’t wanna wait” ass. That chile is now on my “BISH PLEASE” list! She’s trying it. I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME!

ANYWAY… moving on

* Oh yes. Mary J. Blige, Drake and Switch Swizz Beats performed. Mary did her patented bop and SANG her heart out. AND her suit was SSHHHAAAPPP!! I love me some MJB so I have nothing bad to say (apart from that hairhat but it’s aight). She went up there and gave the people EMOTION! Oh and Drake was decent. He musta gotten some botox though because his forehead didn’t look like it was melting. #Lumiere #OhYouFancyHuh

* Why is Pink’s emo stepsister fighting the air? Oh she’s not related to Pink? And her name is Robyn? Aight then.

* Linkin Park, huh? Well I’ont gibbadamb bout em. I’m 1 of those Black folks whose music taste isn’t that versatile. Most rock music gives me a headache. Gimme Soul mostly, or some rap or some pop. I don’t headbang.

* Why was Kanye West in Eddie Murphy’s suit from “Raw?” It’s aight though. I was excited to see him. His performance was decent as he gave a “toast to the assholes.” But I won’t lie. That autotune KILLED it (in a bad way) for me. I couldn’t even concentrate on the lyrics because of that awful sound. So I spent most of the performance like O___O.

At this point, I was truly ready for the show to end. Y’all dont understand. I really wanna go to MTV offices and flip all types of tables. This show suckedkick EVERY trashcan they have in the building for this subpar ass awards.

Moral of the story: I HATED THE VMAs!!!

P.S. If this post sucked, blame it on the fact that writing it felt like pulling teeth. That show was THAT much a bore. But check out other blogs that may have done it justice: ConcreteLoop, MissJia, Necole Bitchie, Crunk & Disorderly.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Category: Awards

Comments (37)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Kay says:

    Thanks for the recap…I haven’t watched the VMA’s since Menudo was on stage with all the original members…..

  2. Crissle says:

    I agree. Thoroughly awful show.

  3. max says:

    Have you ever laughed so hard at something that you got scared that something permanently shifted in your brain and you would never, ever, EVER be able to stop laughing?
    That’s how hard I’m laughing at this.

  4. Brownngirl says:

    “SAT THE HELL DOWN, Taylor! Joey vs. Dawson dramatic “I don’t wanna wait” ass.”

    This line right here? ^^^ Has me ON.THE.FLOOR. LMAO!!! *DEAD* *Is Resuscitated* *Dies again*

    I didn’t see the show, but thanks for the recap.

  5. likeramona says:

    thanks for the recap cause i just couldn’t after that monstrosity of a performance that the purple power ranger & baby seal put on during the pre-show

  6. Cheekie says:

    The VMAs made me want to kick a ferret in mourning.

    The tweets were great as usual, but there was even something missing with those. Oh right, good material. Like, this could’ve been a huge clusterf*ckery of foolery with Kanye coming back, but everything was too…safe. Meh.

    I did laugh when Chelsea said something about Justin Bieber’s mama and they cut to Jane Lynch. They probably weren’t e’en tryin to make a joke, but I cackled so dayum hard.

  7. Chase says:

    Do I dare say the BET Awards were waaaay better?!? Something in orbit ain’t right…:-/

  8. Kimistry101 says:

    The show was indeed horrible, but I don’t understand the disdain for Taylor Swift. I can understand people not caring for her type of music or her voice, But she has never said anything negative about Kanye or the incident. The last thing I heard her say when asked by a reporter was, ” I don’t know him and I don’t want to start anything” I thought that was a mature and graceful comment considering he was rude as hell to her. And he seems to recognize that even if no one else does. And then last night she was even more graceful with the song which she wrote about the incident. Even you read the lyrics to the song she basically telling him it’s cool, don’t worry about. It’s a sweet song. Not vicious or negative in any manner. So again why are you mad at her she didn’t milk this thing, wasn’t opportunistic in anyway. Maybe I missed something. I’m glad she responded with grace and kept her character throughout the whole situation

    • DivaKattGurl says:

      I could care less either way… but the fact that they are still talking about it (she wrote a song about it) (he wrote a song for her) (which she should take and use)is probably why… graceful and mature would have been something like moving on… past is the past.. he apologized she accepted …water under the bridge as they say…

  9. Ladycakes says:

    I could’ve given five cats and seven dogs LSD and gotten a better show and Taylor she just needs to go hide underneath Sway’s hat ugh! It may be me but didn’t see look a little bit like Johnny Kemp last night?

  10. DivaKattGurl says:

    I haven’t seen it… MTV hasn’t had a good award show …since …well… they stopped doing music… *shrugs*

    They get cornier every year and I just don’t have the attention span they need to keep watching them… if people continue to give them life they will never go away…. did I say boycott? o______O

  11. Kimistry101 says:

    @DivaKattGurl

    Why do people feel they can tell another person how to react to something that has happened to them? Never quite understand that or how people can praise ignorance.. either way, Taylor moved on the night it happened having never said anything about it. The Media and Kanye kept at it. She remained silent. She had moved on but in case you don’t follow Kanye on Twitter He kept bringing it back up.He tweeted forever about it. I’m a Taylor Swift fan and she writes her own songs. So she writes about things that affected her deeply. did you hear the song THE LYRICS?. She is actually comforting Kanye. The song is an olive branch and she is not the one who should be offering up anything, he his. I applaud her grace and character…more should have it.

    • Shoni says:

      She would have made a better statement had she continued to keep quiet, or maybe just written him a letter. This has nothing to do with “praising ignorance.” It’s about moving on. And, honestly, if this incident has “affected her deeply,” I want her life. As has been pointed out, this incident is what made her famous. How many people knew who she was when she won the award, just before Kanye pulled his stunt? To most of us, she was just some little, blonde, cookie cutter country singer.

  12. Lite Bread says:

    “Stan’s” in da house.
    Stop talkin’ ’bout Taylor ya all … Hear?!

  13. Aisha says:

    “Joey vs. Dawson dramatic “I don’t wanna wait” ass.”

    THISSS!!! Is why we are besties in my head! *dies* *casket made out of Lady Gaga’s meat dress* *alive again* *only to die again by Taylor’s innocence*

    This was the worst award show EVER! I need them to NOT do this again! EVER again! They can just stop!

  14. Lady T says:

    dead @ “Cher is 5 days older than Christ & she’s still rocking see-thru onesies better than most ppl. I also wonder if this is her 56th face.” You killed me TWICE with that line!

    I refused to watch the VMA’s anymore, but I woke up this morning looking forward to your recap. You NEVER disapoint!

  15. Chase says:

    The only thing that was great about the show was the stage. The stage was FIYAH!!! Everything else… Blah. Even Kanye’s performance wasn’t all that great to me w/ that dang on autotune. Ugh

  16. Brandi says:

    Ne-Yo’s lipgloss wasn’t popping like usual (maybe they ran out his shade)

    ^This line right here had me in tears!!

    I haven’t fully watched ANY award show since ’03. They are all too long, boring and the same people win every year! Womp….Womp….Womp!

  17. bogart4017 says:

    That ccrack about Drakes forehead was the living end.

  18. Lexxaye says:

    “Cher is 5 days older than Christ & she’s still rocking see-thru onesies better than most ppl. I also wonder if this is her 56th face.”

    *collapses on floor* *drags self back up* *collapses again*

    ROFFLLL!! That caught me AWLL the way off guard. I actually didn’t see the awards the first night they aired, but by the way my timeline was blowing up about the fckery, U had to at least witness it it…..So, about those Bears. :| No need to even speak on how YAWNtastic the awards were.

    Really good re-cap tho, Luvvie dear!

  19. Ahs says:

    Brosephine. Did you say, “Jewel and her complicated teeth?”

    I am THROUGH with you Luvvie! Lmao so wrong

Leave a Reply